Experience/thoughts wanted. Partner of 15 years slapped me out of nowhere

[Pickingausernameistricky]

Hi all.
My Partner of 15 years slapped me this week, we weren’t arguing just things a little tense and I made a sarcastic noise and he slapped me around the side of my face.
He left the room and when he came back was absolutely distraught, apologetic and upset at himself. He had never ever hit me before or made me feel worried or scared and I’ve known him for 25 years.
Has anyone in a very long term relationship ever experienced this as a one off?
Any tips on working through it?

It’s absolutely not ok and he is willing to do anything to reflect on and ensure he doesn’t behave this way again. We’ve talked through possible triggers, stressors and our own communication and how we can improve this but ultimately he hit me… and I’m not sure how to move on myself. I love him so much and our relationship aside from occasional disagreements is a wonderful one.

What has he said about why he did it and the thought process that preceded it?

How old is he? Is he willing to seek medical advice to see if there's a cognitive issue?

I'm sorry that this has happened to you @Pickingausernameistricky

I'm struggling to believe that your relationship has always been as rosy as you're depicting it, though.

Have there really been no incidents? No punching walls? No shouting in your face? Have you never toned down what you were doing or saying, because you felt that things might escalate?

’the man might need help.’

He can get help as a single man and not be a risk to the OP’s safety. If he’s genuinely remorseful wouldn’t her safety be his first concern?

That would be it for me. Not just because it is almost guaranteed he would do it again, but because he would never be the same person to me.

I abhor violence in all its forms. That said, I might forgive a few harsh words spoken in haste. But any form of physical violence and I'd be out of there immediately.

She won't leave. She 'loves' him too much.

Ah. Because if he isn't, it's understandable that he hit the OP?

WTF.

No nothing, honestly I have nothing to hide here or pretend things have been super.
they have been - we’re great together and arguments are infrequent and never violent or aggressive from either of us.
We talk through them and move on.

I didn’t mention we have a child together. They’re a toddler. They were not in the house and I’ve never been concerned for their safety and we have talked about my concerns about this since the incident of me being assaulted.

That’s ok, i understand it all sounds too good to be true previously, but it’s honestly been wonderful. We’ve been so happy, there are however other stressors which may have led to a build up of emotions (external factors) and I am going to talk with him later about any possible build up of things he hasn’t opened up to me about.

What are his concerns? I mean if I had suddenly slapped my partner and the mother of my toddler child out of the blue I would be worried I had lost my fucking mind and would be rushing to the GP to check my testosterone levels, look for a brain tumor, and writing out a contract to go to individual therapy to learn to control impulsive and violent tendencies.

Anything less: flowers, apologies, tears, is just the apology/honeymoon phase of the abuse cycle. You are in it now whether you accept that fact or not on an emotional or intellectual level. If he can’t make restitution and get a grip on how devastating it is he will repeat it eventually, even if the violence seemingly lies dormant for a while.

Bollocks.
Don't have this 💩 in your life, nevermind how many years.

I am so sorry to hear this. Did you leave?

I am, I’m heartbroken. Confused.
No he owns the house and I’m entitled to nothing, but I’d be ok.
people manage on nothing and start again.
I will take my daughter so that will be awful and why I’m desperate to make it work as aside from this our family has been so lovely.

It's just not a reaction someone will have unless they've done it before or are inclined to do it again. Most people would simply barely even know how to slap someone. You need to be really angry and close to fury. If you were having a blazing row and maybe you'd slapped him first, that's still bad but not like just out of the blue just for huffing or sighing. It's a really bad red flag. I'm sorry but I'd be saying sayonara.

Honestly, if it's once in 15 years and he is distraught and it's totally out of character I will go against the grain and say he's probably not going to do it again.

I was recently reading a book on relationships where the therapist who wrote it made a really good point in saying one incident like this does not have to be the end if it is isolated and out of character. Her belief was that anyone, male or female, should be 'allowed' one serious slip of this kind in a relationship, but only the one and only after quite some time together. Obviously, if the incident happens very early on, that's time to get out ASAP, but 15 years is another matter.

It does bother me slightly when everyone insists on second-guessing a poster who describes a single, isolated, utterly out of character incident in a long relationship, for which their partner is immediately ashamed, and tells her 'he'll do it again' and 'leave the bastard' even though she is telling everyone everything else is good and she knows it is utterly without precedent.

I slapped DH once and honestly I'm not sure why I reacted so violently - he was winding me up mildly about something and I just snapped. It has only happened once in 20+ years together and I apologised immediately. @BobbyBiscuits - I'd never done it before and had no idea I was going to do it until it happened

As others have said - worth asking if he has any idea what was going on with him that he snapped like that on this occasion?

If you had a child with him but are “entitled to nothing” then this was not a good relationship even if it seemed like it. He did not take thought for your financial security and future when he should have.

I’m sorry OP, I would have to leave because I’d never truly feel safe again.

I agree with everything others have said:

• How can you trust he won’t do that again - you can’t
• How can you trust him again?
• This cannot be undone
• This is now acceptable in your relationship- being stressed is no excuse for violence

I am sorry but I would leave and I did, first slap/ punch was 4 and a half years in. It didn’t stop there!

He has crossed a huge line here. Please think long and hard about your decision if you choose to stay.

If he did this to a random person in the street he’d be prosecuted
if he did it at work he’d be sacked
he shouldn’t do it to you without consequence
I would without doubt end it.

Agreed, it is not on. Ever. So sorry this has happened to you.

Has anything medically been diagnosed lately with him? How old are you both? Thinking along the lines of things that make personality changes to the brain...

• I'm aware this is a 'zebra in the room' take on what has happened.

What would be the recriminations if he "snapped" and did this to a colleague/Boss/mother/father/Nursery assistant/other Driver/shop assistant/his tiny child?

You are just as important. 💐

I have experience of this and would say more if the App ever allowed me to name Change successfully 🤨

What advice would you give your daughter if her DH assaults her in the future?

Presumably she's his daughter as well so why have you not been added to be joint owner of the house?

So sorry, Op, this must have been a tremendous shock for you.
You also sound very wise and you are absolutely right, people can and do start again from absolute scratch.
I would definitely have a plan B in your back pocket and be willing to implement it. If you need to leave quickly for personal safety, contact Womens Aid.
Your husband will or should know physical attack is a deal breaker.