Experience/thoughts wanted. Partner of 15 years slapped me out of nowhere

[Pickingausernameistricky]

Hi all.
My Partner of 15 years slapped me this week, we weren’t arguing just things a little tense and I made a sarcastic noise and he slapped me around the side of my face.
He left the room and when he came back was absolutely distraught, apologetic and upset at himself. He had never ever hit me before or made me feel worried or scared and I’ve known him for 25 years.
Has anyone in a very long term relationship ever experienced this as a one off?
Any tips on working through it?

It’s absolutely not ok and he is willing to do anything to reflect on and ensure he doesn’t behave this way again. We’ve talked through possible triggers, stressors and our own communication and how we can improve this but ultimately he hit me… and I’m not sure how to move on myself. I love him so much and our relationship aside from occasional disagreements is a wonderful one.

I cannot tell you enough to leave him. It almost always starts with "just a slap." Others have warned you about this too. He may seem sorry but he'll be noting what he can get away with and it WILL escalate. I also implore you to have a really good think. This didn't just come out of nowhere, and I'd bet my hat there's some coercive/ controlling behaviour also going on. You may not be fully aware of it right now, but I'm sure you're walking on eggshells, putting his needs above yours.
DV typically starts when you have a child, please look it up - womens aid is a great website to use. So you may want to minimise based on your length of time together but he wouldn't have done that if it was easy for you to leave, he will know your child is the biggest reason you'll put up with it - I know it was my biggest reason, and before that I would have straight up walked out of there.

At the very least, he needs to address why he did this, and seek help for his anger issues. He does, not you. Do not enable any of his "recovery". And how hard he works at this would be the guidance for my stay/leave quandary.

This

Also as the mother of his child if anything happens to him your fucked as his next of kin is his child but surely that would be in trust till they reach a certain age. You would be a single parent needing to find a roof over your heads and would feel angry he never gave you a thought for the future.

First physical assault in pregnancy.
Never fully trusted him again, even though it was sixteen years until the next assault.
That led to arrest and separation.
Looking back, the period before and after were full of signs and incidents-but I had got used to them. I didn't accept that gaslighting, screaming, following me around and preventing me leaving the room etc. were coercive control.
They were also unlike the sustained physical abuse of my childhood-I thought I was in control.
But the theme running through my life, I realise now, is keeping things secret, and wanting a home.
So much so that despite escaping, I have agreed to consider moving back, because I pity him -even though he refuses counselling or mediation and will not agree to dividing the house into two separate dwellings. Trying to sort this all out in my mind has been a terrible eye opener into just how badly damaged I am.
Reading this thread (my choice, I know) has resulted in the same terrible feelings of suffocation and panic I had when we were living together. If the man you love and trust can make you live in fear, he has freely chosen to do this to you, it is not accidental.

Unfortunately, it exceptionally unlikely it will be a one off. No matter how sorry he is - you are either the type to hit a woman or you are not. It maybe a long time before he does it again - but he will do it again. You may choose not to leave until the second time in which case you will have wasted part of your life with him. Whatever, his stressors are/were he crossed a line.

Most posters and the OP are focusing on the man, what might have caused it and will he do it again. Really interesting perspective from the pp that said he didn't do it again but that she'd lost respect for him. He did this, the question is what you do because even if it doesn't happen again, it will have changed you and the way you see him.

My dad hit my mother, only twice according to him. If it's true, that's all that was needed to keep her, and me in line. How will things be when your child is an argumentative teenager? Let's say things went back to being lovely, every time (she?) is cheeky, rude, disobedient, will you be worried? If he can't take it from you, he won't take it from a child. It's not simply a question of will he, won't he do it again, it's about you OP and whether you can move past it and whether you should move past it. It will never go away.

DP and I have never married, she moved into my home, I've always earned vastly more than her over the 20 years we've been together as she did the bulk of the childcare, which has affected her career.

Our house is 50/50, all our bank and savings accounts are joint. If we split, she'd get half.

Good men don't organise their finances to try and trap their partners in the relationship. Good man ensure their partners stay by not slapping them.

Which forum is he posting on for advice on how to not hit women and save your relationship? Or is the onus all on you to sort this? You have a child that deserves consideration here.

This is a really good point.

I have a 14 year old dd. As 14 year old dds go she is actually pretty good. She works hard at school and trains a lot for her sport. But she is unbelievably annoying at times! If he can’t cope with a sarcastic noise without hitting, he would not be able to cope with my (technically well behaved) teenage daughter!

I’m really sorry this has happened to you OP, but as someone who has gone through DV, you need to leave and take your daughter. It always starts with a slap. Next time will be a punch he will cry, beg and make all kinds of promises but honestly you will never ever feel safe in this relationship ever again. Please leave for yourself and your daughter.

Good men don't organise their finances to try and trap their partners in the relationship. Good man ensure their partners stay by not slapping them

Actually @VimesandhisCardboardBoots good men marry women prior to pregnancy, or at least as soon as a pregnancy is confirmed.

That is the only way that women and children are legally protected in the event of a relationship split.

@BlackFridayBlues
please don’t feel sorry for your ex and go back, no matter how much he begs to wear you down or promises the earth your life will be worse. The future is yours to move forward not back to DV

Honestly, I would have him arrested, spend the night in the cells and then have him sign up for a perpetrator course. He crossed the line and he needs to know that this shit will never be tolerated. Different situation but another family member hit me when i was an adult. I has him arrested and didn't drop the charges for 6 months. We reconciled and he has never so much as raised his voice to me again in twenty years. It saved our relationship as he knew I wasn't about to tolerate that shit.

After an engagement to a highly abusive man that DP felt trapped in, DP didn't want to ever be in that situation again when she met me, so said no the three times I proposed.

I admittedly didn't propose before DD was born, but given we didn't know we were having her until DP went into labour 10 months into our relationship, I didn't have an awful lot of time.

why have you done this to yourself ?

why are you living in someone else's house ?

and no home of your own

for 15 years

and then you bring a child in to it

if he really wants to make amends, he marries you. 3 weeks notice to the Registry office - you do not need a wedding to get married, just a ceremony !

then next time he hits you, and he will - you just don't know when ! so walking on eggshells for the rest of your life, then you divorce him after getting all your ducks in a row...

Bit like a dog that wouldn't bite, intil it does. So sorry op x

Have you paid into the house at all in any way? And if not, did you save what you would have been paying so you have a decent amount saved? Nope! So you have been disadvantaged Bupa this arrangement, to his benefit, leaving you vulnerable.

Did you have to pay for your own maternity leave? Split costs evenly or you pay for all child related costs? It would be interesting to see how balanced your relationship is financially,