Experience/thoughts wanted. Partner of 15 years slapped me out of nowhere

[Pickingausernameistricky]

Hi all.
My Partner of 15 years slapped me this week, we weren’t arguing just things a little tense and I made a sarcastic noise and he slapped me around the side of my face.
He left the room and when he came back was absolutely distraught, apologetic and upset at himself. He had never ever hit me before or made me feel worried or scared and I’ve known him for 25 years.
Has anyone in a very long term relationship ever experienced this as a one off?
Any tips on working through it?

It’s absolutely not ok and he is willing to do anything to reflect on and ensure he doesn’t behave this way again. We’ve talked through possible triggers, stressors and our own communication and how we can improve this but ultimately he hit me… and I’m not sure how to move on myself. I love him so much and our relationship aside from occasional disagreements is a wonderful one.

That's the point that pister (abd I) are making. That this loving 15 year relationship is not secure or loving enough to have produced a child. What doesn’t add up is the OP’s trust in this man as her “partner “ when financially he treats her as a friend with benefits.

It's never just once. Now he has done it and essentially gotten away with it (you haven't left him, hit him back etc no real consequence) he will do it again and he will escalate.

I've known a few violent people who have hit their spouse and its always the same story, never done it before, promise it will never happen again, were really distraught over it. There's always an excuse, always an apology, always a repeat. It has never been just once.

I’ve never told anyone in real life about this but my husband hit me five years into our relationship and about a month after we got married. We were both shocked. It was really out of character and we never really discussed it beyond the apology because I knew he’d never do it again.

And 16 years on, he hasn’t.

People can just make a mistake. It is possible that this is an isolated incident.

Only you can work out if it is or it isn’t, not an Internet full of strangers.

My late husband, a wise and lovely man, used to say that as soon as a man hits a woman the relationship is a write off. Because you will never again feel secure to express anger or frustration in case it happens again. The balance, the physical trust is gone.

Not married, not on mortgage.

She's entitled to CMS and nothing else.

This is why marriage is essential before children are born. Women get so much legal protection from it.

It’s never a one off, and it always escalates.

After 15 years, a sorry doesn't do it, but I would not leave either based solely on that incident. But are you not getting along a lot of the time? I would be very clear that he's on his very last chance, but if it's demonstrative of the whole thing crumbling and other issues with the relationship, I would walk away.

it is your decision op
dont stay is the preferred advice

Leave him, otherwise he will do it again.

There is no excuse for slapping you but it seems worse as it wasn't even much of an argument so hardly him being so enraged as to lose control.

I would be more concerned about him slapping you like this as it indicates a strong undercurrent of negative feelings towards you such as contempt, disrespect, resentment and ultimately not loving, cherishing or caring about you.

I would never get over this and would dump immediately.

Exit stage left.

Seriously, please heed the warnings you have had on here.

Please plan your exit, safely. It will happen again, no matter what sad face he gives you now, please.

Oh right.
I mean yes , it’s not a good situation.

Can you explain what actually happened OP? What was the conversation before this happened. You mentioned tense?

Are you are SAHM?

15 years, a child, living in his house and no marriage? Another one 🥲

Very good points.

I'd never feel safe with a man who did that. He's capable of physical harm. What if you upset him again? What if your little girl cries too much one day, and he snaps?

Besides, he's not great. You've been living in that house on his mercy.

I tell you what I'd do. I'd give him an ultimatum. He either marries you or you leave. How he responds is your answer to whether he is financially abusing you. And right now, tomorrow, he gets you put on the deeds of the house whilst you are waiting for the wedding. No excuses.

@Pickingausernameistricky

Honestly love, these things don't 'come out of nowhere'. When the dust settles it always transpires that there has been 'something' that preceded it or 'something' that's prevented it from happening before

In my situation, when I took a hard look at my marriage I saw that I walked on eggshells around exH to avoid his outbursts.It was so second nature that I didn't think about it and didn't notice doing it. But subconsciously, I 'sniffed the air' for his mood the moment he walked in a room. And all was rosy until I said or did the 'wrong thing' so I watched my words and my 'actions', again subconsciously. It was like, IDK, you don't think "Don't touch the hot stove", yet you don't. So, my advice is to find a quiet spot and give your relationship a think. Be brutally honest with yourself. What was true for me may or may not be true for you. But it's worth doing the 'process of elimination' that quiet reflection may bring.

And this is NO excuse, because there aren't any, but could your 'sarcastic noise' be something that happens a little too often or is upsetting to him? Has he ever said anything to indicate that he doesn't appreciate it? Again, there is no excuse for hitting and this is not 'victim blaming'. But we need to be aware of our own actions. But if he hasn't used his words to tell you he doesn't like it, that is his own fault and, again, no excuse.

And sure, he's apologetic. They generally are. Most abusers realize when they've gone too far and do what's needed to keep you there. New 'victims' are hard to find and hard to train.

A PP mentioned upthread that once it starts, it never stops. I agree for the most part. It will be up to you as to whether or not you figure out a root cause and whether or not it can be dealt with through therapy or counseling.

If you believe you are "entitled to nothing" I wonder if you might also be a victim of financial abuse as well as physical abuse.

Why hasn't he made sure you are secure financially?

He's not wonderful if he'd let you and your child walk away with nothing after he hit you.

You are trying so hard to find a good enough excuse so you can forgive and forget and life goes back to before the slap. You won’t ever feel at ease when any disagreements arise and you will be careful not to sarcastically snort or do anything to push him over the edge. You will worry about your child answering him back when they get older and tbh this will erode your peace of mind.

Out of character behaviour or change in personality could suggest a health condition.

Book a GP appointment, have his urine tested to rule out infection and also blood tests and memory tests for dementia.

Once this has all been ruled out, then you've got to face the fact he's abusive and you need to leave.

I also forgave a slap and then a shove a year later then three years after that he attempted to strangle me on holiday with a flimsy wall separating us from our respective kids. Please, please do know that without a shadow of doubt it (and worse) can and most likely will happen again.

Really important questions.
a yes to any is a 🚩

It's pretty obvious you're leaning towards forgiving him OP. You'll not be the first or last.

However, it's obvious he has a bit of contempt for you and it's hard to come back from that. You need a foot out of the door now, you need a plan. You need a escape fund and know what your rights are. Keep to hand all the import shit you will need if you leave in a hurry. If you don't ever need it then grand. But you'll feel happier it's there

Will he not want contact, including overnights?

If he goes to court he will get it. Family court isn’t interested in historic DA against the mother.