How do I deal with this?

[Hiseyesareorangehistongueisblack]

Long time member. Haven’t posted in a while. Need some perspective and will try and keep it brief.

We have an up and down relationship, we have small children. We have an ok sex life although like most couples, we’ve had dry spells and periods when poorly kids / work / stress has been a priority and we’ve had to get through it but on the whole we have sex regularly (including twice this week - context)

DH clearly has an issue with boundaries in all forms (his mother for one) but we’ve repeatedly had an issue with him waking me up in the night for sex when he’s sleeping - trying to pull my PJs / underwear off which has caused a lot of resentment on my part as I do not sleep well (shift work, small kids and a touch of insomnia so sleep is precious!) so his advances are not received well and a lot of the time he can’t remember he’s done it. I’ve set a firm don’t wake me up unless the house is on fire rule. Any way… the other night he was in the shower, I asked if I could jump in quickly with him because he showers for ages and I just wanted a wash and go go to bed. This is not uncommon. In the shower I said I wasn’t interested in sex that night. PJs on, into bed. In bed he then proceeds to pull my PJS off me, again I say I’m not interested, no. He cuddles for a bit then tries again, I give same response, then he did pull my PJ bottoms off. I just laid there. He went down on me - I literally just laid there. Wasn’t nice at all, I was just bemused. Eventually when he tried to enter me I physically held my legs so he couldn’t - he persisted for a while until I lost my shit and punched him in the chest - I said no. I’m not interested I don’t want this. He rolled off and I was so pissed off I went and spent a couple of hours on the sofa until one of the children woke me and then I dealt with that and went to bed.

it’s made me feel shit. I very clearly said no. I said yesterday are we going to talk about it, he said yes, he felt rejected …. I pointed out I had clearly said no 5/6 times and that him pulling my clothes off me and doing what he wanted made me feel disgusting. I said nothing and has said nothing about it since.

today I’m just angry. This isn’t the first time. I just wanted a cuddle and to feel safe.

I’m so sorry OP but this sounds like an assault. I really hope someone comes along with some more practical advice but I think after this the trust is gone and I’m not sure you can forgive this. Sending you best wishes. X

That’s sexual assault. I’m sorry your husband doesn’t care about consent and did this.

What do you want to do next? Do you have a good friend/sibling you could tell?

OP this is awful, alongside sexual assault it’s sexual coercion, he’s sulking and being angry in order to get you to just “go along with it”

I’m sorry this is happening, I really hope you realise how fucked up this is

I agree with the previous responses. You should feel safe with your partner. This is not what a healthy relationship looks like. I would be sleeping apart, not having sex, even in the unlikely event that you feel like it, and making plans to split. It is assault. Just because he his your husband it doesn't mean he has a right to your body. As a one off it would be appalling, but clearly he has form for this.

He said he felt rejected?!? How does he think you felt after he sexually assaulted you!

Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean he can treat you like this. No means no, regardless if you're married.

Thats obviously out of order! Indeed sexual assault.

I've been in a position where my partner had no interest on sex for months and months. I was frustrated. I spoke to him. He just wasn't wanting it due to his mental health. So I accepted. I did feel unwanted and rejected. If I'm honest i didn't feel as close to him after a few months. If I'm even more honest I bought toys and learned to enjoy sex without him.

It's never OK to force someone's clothing down. Or start licking their privates when they have said no!

I think you should leave him. You are never going to have a normal relationship with someone who is a persistent sex offender.

The number of men that think they are entitled to sexually assault, rape and coerce their romantic partner is staggering.

Get far away from him.

I should have added, no this isn’t the first time he’s done stuff like this I just can’t remember the details. The waking me up in the night became such an issue I was feeling so resentful I then didn’t want to go near him.

I don’t have any one I can confide in, my sister would go nuts and I don’t feel comfortable talking about sex with her any way. on the outside everything looks like domestic bliss 🙄

Waking you up is very weird. Its like he has a lack of control.
So he basically forces it onto you?

I mean this in a genuine way. Do you ever want or initiate sex? Not that he's ever excused! But are you both massively mismatched.
After my kids were born I didn't want my partner near me. I didnt feel sexy or passionate around him. We split up. He gave me the ick and I couldn't go near him now. How awful I know. But the thought of kissing him makes me cringe. I gave no idea how it happened beyond he lived like a pig! Was very slow in all tasks from shitting to showering. Never got jobs done. Never did man jobs. Never bought himself clothes. Hea not had a coat for 2 years because he doesn't know how to sort getting one!!!

This helpline may be useful:
https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/want-to-talk/

You could also report the sexual assault online with 101:
https://www.police.uk/pu/contact-us/

Part of the form you fill in gives details of a different support agency.

I'm wondering if you feel as though you want to leave?

@Floflo2 Don't be an apologist for a sex offender, it's not a good look.

OP has already said that they have sex twice a week, so fuck off with your 'mismatched' BS. @Hiseyesareorangehistongueisblack , I would not want to have sex at all with someone that persistently sexually assaulted me.

This is 'bad enough' to leave him for.

OP there is no excuse for this this. lt is sexual assault.This last incident was when he was fully aware and you had clearly said no sex as you were exhausted. He totally ignored you and then forced himself on you. If you have no one to confide in please phone Womens Aid for advice and support.

Rude I've never ever said I'm on his side. I've actually told her I felt the same and didn't want to be near my ex anymore. I have said he shows a lack of control and there's no excuse for him.

So fuck off yourself!

Sorry for telling you to F off @Floflo2 , you're right hat was really rude and unnecessary. I stand by the rest of the message though. Mismatch is nonsense, we're talking about repeated sexual assault.

Your sister would go nuts for good reason OP.

He’s woken up this morning like all is fine and I’m raging now.

Sadly I think this sort of thing is more common than many people realise. It is assault, OP, and I genuinely think you should make plans to leave this man. Definitely speak to women’s aid as soon as you can. I’m really you’ve been treated like this 💐

Yes he's an arsehole I was just trying to let her express how she's feeling in general!

he felt rejected …. I pointed out I had clearly said no 5/6 times and that him pulling my clothes off me and doing what he wanted made me feel disgusting
i think you need to start calling it what it is. He is repeatedly sexually assaulting you. Call it what it is every single time. Or leave him.

It isnt a lack of control. It is him wanting total control over when he has sex.

@mumsnet might be worth adding a TW to this title

He wants to forget all about it until the next time he sexually assaults you. Then he will be all huffy that there is a person with independent motivations and wishes attached to to your body.

Do you feel able to say something like, I want you to know that I am never having sex with you again...or I will report you to the police if you ever remove my pyjamas when I'm asleep or sexually assault me again in any way...@Hiseyesareorangehistongueisblack

Consider whether you want to make a report to the police. Whatever happens, you need your bodily autonomy back and he needs to understand that, even if he never appreciates what an abusive shit he is.

I have said I am not happy about Thursday night. He says he understands. But we’ve had this conversation 10 times before. FFS.

there’s other issues that we have and we’ve been to counselling in the past but this is giving me the ick.

I think you need to split up with him. He seems intent on sex whether you want it or not and has already crossed boundaries many times. He will rape you if he hasn't already.

Going to the police is absolutely futile. They’re over stretched and nothing will change from doing this.