How do I deal with this?

[Hiseyesareorangehistongueisblack]

Long time member. Haven’t posted in a while. Need some perspective and will try and keep it brief.

We have an up and down relationship, we have small children. We have an ok sex life although like most couples, we’ve had dry spells and periods when poorly kids / work / stress has been a priority and we’ve had to get through it but on the whole we have sex regularly (including twice this week - context)

DH clearly has an issue with boundaries in all forms (his mother for one) but we’ve repeatedly had an issue with him waking me up in the night for sex when he’s sleeping - trying to pull my PJs / underwear off which has caused a lot of resentment on my part as I do not sleep well (shift work, small kids and a touch of insomnia so sleep is precious!) so his advances are not received well and a lot of the time he can’t remember he’s done it. I’ve set a firm don’t wake me up unless the house is on fire rule. Any way… the other night he was in the shower, I asked if I could jump in quickly with him because he showers for ages and I just wanted a wash and go go to bed. This is not uncommon. In the shower I said I wasn’t interested in sex that night. PJs on, into bed. In bed he then proceeds to pull my PJS off me, again I say I’m not interested, no. He cuddles for a bit then tries again, I give same response, then he did pull my PJ bottoms off. I just laid there. He went down on me - I literally just laid there. Wasn’t nice at all, I was just bemused. Eventually when he tried to enter me I physically held my legs so he couldn’t - he persisted for a while until I lost my shit and punched him in the chest - I said no. I’m not interested I don’t want this. He rolled off and I was so pissed off I went and spent a couple of hours on the sofa until one of the children woke me and then I dealt with that and went to bed.

it’s made me feel shit. I very clearly said no. I said yesterday are we going to talk about it, he said yes, he felt rejected …. I pointed out I had clearly said no 5/6 times and that him pulling my clothes off me and doing what he wanted made me feel disgusting. I said nothing and has said nothing about it since.

today I’m just angry. This isn’t the first time. I just wanted a cuddle and to feel safe.

I reported a sexual assault three weeks ago - in my professional capacity, on behalf of someone else.

It was touching over clothes. The police got in touch with the victim and their parents to discuss next steps.

if nothing else, if you wanted to do that, it would show your husband how serious it is.

You could try telling him very honestly what his actions make you think about him and his character. I wouldn't bother telling him how it makes you feel, as 1) he has shown that does not care about your feelings and 2) it can be dismissed as a difference of opinion or perception.

The trouble with counselling is that it is all about how something makes you feel. "I feel x when you do y"

That is not going to work with something as serious as persistent sexual assault.

Your husband is a bad person with a weak character and is a danger to women. - That is going to cut through to him a lot more that "when x happens I feel y"

Hiseyesareorangehistongueisblack

re your comment

"Going to the police is absolutely futile. They’re over stretched and nothing will change from doing this".

Is this a response rooted in a fear in that going to the police would make this all seem very real to you then?.

I think they will take this very seriously.

Abuse too is not a relationship issue; its about power and control. You are being sexually assaulted repeatedly by him.

Have you now considered divorcing him?.

Starting to give you the ick about this is an awful low standard, ITS SEXUAL ASSAULT- be mad, kick him out, go to the police - they will care
You do not deserve to feel unsafe in your home, the fact that you won't tell your sister is because you know that it is wrong
Be kind to yourself and leave him x

So sorry your husband has made you feel violated but i have heard of this... www.sleepstation.org.uk/articles/sleep-disorders/sexsomnia/
If your husband does have this disorder though, why would he remember feeling 'rejected' is he actually asleep and just saying he doesn't remember??🤷‍♀️

I don't think that's helpful @porkchop100, there is a history of repeated sexual assaults not just when 'asleep'.

Sexsomnia, whether it is a genuine condition, why it only affects men and whether a partner would sleep in a bed with someone affected, or even want to stay with them are discussion points, but not really relevant to the OP.

He hasn’t “made her feel” violated. He has violated her by sexually assaulting her.

oh here we go typical MN... instead of ppl being able to give a different perspective / POV you start moaning at me ..... just ignore if you don't agree instead of diverting the thread to "me being wrong now" we are all humans with different ideas to bring to the table... i do not condone OP's husbands behaviour but letting her know her husband may have a disorder (above link) that needs addressing... OP is probably capable of knowing whether this behaviour is going to end her relationship go forwards

I do not believe for one moment that all the other times he pulled your PJ'S off in the night he was asleep and didn't remember - he's lying. He's an entitled sex pest and believes as your his wife you should put out on demand.
I don't know how you get past something like that. I'd never want him near me. I'd tell him in no uncertain terms that what he's been doing is illegal, and file for divorce. He's grim.

OP, the police should take this seriously. If you divorce and there’s a dispute over custody of your children, something like this would very much count against him, meaning he’d be less likely to gain 50% custody if he requested it (though I know the system is far from perfect). The fact that this has happened multiple times is absolutely shocking to read, but it sounds like you may have been desensitised/gaslit into not seeing it as abuse. As others have said, you need to start calling it what it actually is: sexual assault. I’m so sorry, I know it isn’t an easy thing to come to terms with but please know you’re far from alone in this - as I said upthread it is sadly all too common.

What the fuck do I do then?

we have a full on weekend of plans. I’m currently acting like everything is fine as I have done before.

Re the police - unless I was to want to press charges against him, which I don’t - there’s no point going.

if I did want to push it. What would it achieve?

I have hit him in the face in the night when he’s woken me over and over again. I don’t like that side of how I behave

What do you think you have to do, OP?

You shouldn’t feel disgusting. He should be bloody ashamed of himself though. This is sexual assault.

It would be assault if a random bloke in the pub did this to you. It is still assault when it’s your husband doing it in your home.

Draw string pj's. Double knot.. But ask him if he grasps he is a sex pest? . And people DO get prosecuted for that. Ime it will progress to you just accepting your 'fate' and just willing him to hurry up......
Ltb and don't look back...

In order that you and your children feel safe you need to ask him to leave asap.
He sounds vile to say the least and you have been assaulted sexually.

As far as the Police are concerned they are duty bound over stretched or not to investigate or the very least be made aware of the situation should anything occur. Which I sincerely hope does does not.

I wish you all the very best in a difficult situation

@Hiseyesareorangehistongueisblack if a man is repeatedly trying to race you, it is OK to punch him in the face, don't let stop you from making a report.

Do you want this for the rest of your life? It won’t get better!
What would you tell your daughter if she was in a similar relationship?

Your sister would be angry because her BIL is raping her sister regularly.
What would you say if your sister came to you with this?
Even waking someone regularly in the middle of the night like this, preventing them from sleep, is abusive.
He is not considering you and your feelings at all.
Please take this seriously OP. It is not going to get any better it’s just going to escalate.

No I don’t.
I also don’t want to co parent with an ex partner and split my home etc up

if it was my daughter. Id tell him to LTB