How do I deal with this?

[Hiseyesareorangehistongueisblack]

Long time member. Haven’t posted in a while. Need some perspective and will try and keep it brief.

We have an up and down relationship, we have small children. We have an ok sex life although like most couples, we’ve had dry spells and periods when poorly kids / work / stress has been a priority and we’ve had to get through it but on the whole we have sex regularly (including twice this week - context)

DH clearly has an issue with boundaries in all forms (his mother for one) but we’ve repeatedly had an issue with him waking me up in the night for sex when he’s sleeping - trying to pull my PJs / underwear off which has caused a lot of resentment on my part as I do not sleep well (shift work, small kids and a touch of insomnia so sleep is precious!) so his advances are not received well and a lot of the time he can’t remember he’s done it. I’ve set a firm don’t wake me up unless the house is on fire rule. Any way… the other night he was in the shower, I asked if I could jump in quickly with him because he showers for ages and I just wanted a wash and go go to bed. This is not uncommon. In the shower I said I wasn’t interested in sex that night. PJs on, into bed. In bed he then proceeds to pull my PJS off me, again I say I’m not interested, no. He cuddles for a bit then tries again, I give same response, then he did pull my PJ bottoms off. I just laid there. He went down on me - I literally just laid there. Wasn’t nice at all, I was just bemused. Eventually when he tried to enter me I physically held my legs so he couldn’t - he persisted for a while until I lost my shit and punched him in the chest - I said no. I’m not interested I don’t want this. He rolled off and I was so pissed off I went and spent a couple of hours on the sofa until one of the children woke me and then I dealt with that and went to bed.

it’s made me feel shit. I very clearly said no. I said yesterday are we going to talk about it, he said yes, he felt rejected …. I pointed out I had clearly said no 5/6 times and that him pulling my clothes off me and doing what he wanted made me feel disgusting. I said nothing and has said nothing about it since.

today I’m just angry. This isn’t the first time. I just wanted a cuddle and to feel safe.

It's really not a good idea to go to counselling with an abusive person. They tend to manipulate it and weaponise it.

“we’ve repeatedly had an issue with him waking me up in the night for sex when he’s sleeping”

…when he’s sleeping.

Opening post, second paragraph.

You’re welcome

You said you don’t like that side of yourself that has to hit him to get him off you, your actions are done in self defence and you have nothing to feel ashamed for!

Oh lovely, I’ve only skimmed your updates but I can imagine what other posters are (rightly) saying.

You deserve better than this, I hope you know you do. There’s no rush to decide what to do but you absolutely are worth more.

I would sit him down and say that you’re not going to tolerate him sexually assaulting you anymore, that you’ve been lulled into thinking this wasn’t assault due his claims of being asleep etc but that now you see it for what it is. You’ll have your own room (even if your DCs have to share a room or you convert a dining rooom etc) as you deserve to be able to sleep in peace in your own home. You will have a lock on your bedroom door and he will not be permitted to come into your room. Ever.

If you want to try and salvage a relationship (I wouldn’t, like most other people on here, but you are understandably reluctant to uproot your life by leaving him) then he’ll need to address his behaviour for what it is, at the very least sexual assault and quite likely rape at this point. If he doesn’t take full responsibility for what he’s been doing to you over the years you will report him to the police. And you want the content of this conversation noted so that he can’t claim you didn’t tell him exactly what his behaviour is, or that you were ok with it. The only reason you’re staying at all is for your children (again, I wouldn’t stay with a rapist for stability and financial security, but you do you.)

And then, if something huge doesn’t change you make plans to leave. This is not an ok way for anyone to live, but I know you can’t face leaving him yet. One day you will, but for now just be safe, reclaim your sleep, your body and your self respect so that he realises his behaviour is repugnant.

From the OP: …his advances are not received well and a lot of the time he can’t remember he’s done it. Perhaps he is lying about not remembering, but if he isn’t this would point to a disorder.

He remembers

StormingNorman · Today 13:50

You shouldn’t feel disgusting. He should be bloody ashamed of himself though. This is sexual assault.
It would be assault if a random bloke in the pub did this to you. It is still assault when it’s your husband doing it in your home.

^ That’s my post to the OP. I’ve followed up to say there are two issues at play (assault while sleeping and assault while awake) and both need to be dealt with. Not fixating on a sleep disorder at all.

You can apologise whenever you’re ready. And please stop derailing the thread. OP needs support not to be wading through this shit.

I'm in no way blaming you Op, not at all, but the behaving next day as if all was normal is not in your best interests, he wants that because then he can pretend to you, and himself, that he's done nothing wrong. If you really don't feel able to leave, then as pp have said have your own bedroom and don't feel bad about locking him out, no doubt he'll try to make you feel guilty but he has absolutely bought this on himself. I'd be happier if you'd leave but that's not my call, that's up to you

I haven't read all the replies. But what do you want to get out of vocalising this to people on here? From what you have said I think you know what you need to do. As others have pointed out, what would you tell your children? A split home doesn't mean a bad one. Your children will probably be grateful in years to come ever they were ever to hear the reasons why. I don't think you should stay, but if you decide to, you need separate bedrooms. He is clearly manipulating the situation & I'm sorry you're having to deal with it, but it certainly isn't normal or part of a healthy relationship I'm afraid.

If I die the mortgage is paid off and I’ll get a huge life insurance pay out so I’ll not need to stress about work for a moment 😂😂

What @SnowflakeSmasher86 says, in front of a lawyer. Signed and witnessed.

Sorry OP

What happens when you clearly inform him that he has assaulted you? (and btw, you don't 'press charges'. The police investigate and if there's evidence of a crime they refer to the CPS)

You cannot stay with him, Is there another room one of you can move to while you sort things to leave/split?

You need to have a frank conversation with your husband. You need to be blunt - your behaviour is sexual assault. No, means no regardless of the fact I am your wife. You do not have the right to decide what happens to my body and when. This stops now.

@Sassybooklover I’ve said this and he says sorry but that feels empty

His apologies are meaningless gestures. He knows full well what he is doing to you here and he does not care for you at all. All he wants is getting his own needs met.

You would advise your daughter to leave such a relationship and sadly you cannot take your own advice to her.

OMG op. This is truly awful to read. You are so used to this behaviour, the way you are under-reacting is scary (I appreciate you have told him you are angry, but you have told him numerous times. Nothing changes). If you take no action, nothing will change, and this man is an Abuser op. You are married to a man who Sexually Abuses you. You are asking how to deal with this, but don’t actually want to take any of the advice you are getting. Get The Hell Out of there, for your kids as well as yourself.

No no no. This is not the ops fault at all. You are Victim blaming here. She told him NO. FFS.

They’re pretty fucking clear to most of us, actually.

If you want to stay with him but don't want to be sexually assaulted or deal with attempted rape constantly then I guess you need to have a separate bedroom where you can lock the door to sleep in at night.

Not sure that's going to fix the actual problem because I assume he'll just assault you in the other times you are together not just in the bedroom, but you aren't giving us much room to help if you are determined to stay with him.

I think there are times where it's better not to quote people's horrible nonsense.

Fair point, but it’s also important to call it out.