How do I deal with this?

[Hiseyesareorangehistongueisblack]

Long time member. Haven’t posted in a while. Need some perspective and will try and keep it brief.

We have an up and down relationship, we have small children. We have an ok sex life although like most couples, we’ve had dry spells and periods when poorly kids / work / stress has been a priority and we’ve had to get through it but on the whole we have sex regularly (including twice this week - context)

DH clearly has an issue with boundaries in all forms (his mother for one) but we’ve repeatedly had an issue with him waking me up in the night for sex when he’s sleeping - trying to pull my PJs / underwear off which has caused a lot of resentment on my part as I do not sleep well (shift work, small kids and a touch of insomnia so sleep is precious!) so his advances are not received well and a lot of the time he can’t remember he’s done it. I’ve set a firm don’t wake me up unless the house is on fire rule. Any way… the other night he was in the shower, I asked if I could jump in quickly with him because he showers for ages and I just wanted a wash and go go to bed. This is not uncommon. In the shower I said I wasn’t interested in sex that night. PJs on, into bed. In bed he then proceeds to pull my PJS off me, again I say I’m not interested, no. He cuddles for a bit then tries again, I give same response, then he did pull my PJ bottoms off. I just laid there. He went down on me - I literally just laid there. Wasn’t nice at all, I was just bemused. Eventually when he tried to enter me I physically held my legs so he couldn’t - he persisted for a while until I lost my shit and punched him in the chest - I said no. I’m not interested I don’t want this. He rolled off and I was so pissed off I went and spent a couple of hours on the sofa until one of the children woke me and then I dealt with that and went to bed.

it’s made me feel shit. I very clearly said no. I said yesterday are we going to talk about it, he said yes, he felt rejected …. I pointed out I had clearly said no 5/6 times and that him pulling my clothes off me and doing what he wanted made me feel disgusting. I said nothing and has said nothing about it since.

today I’m just angry. This isn’t the first time. I just wanted a cuddle and to feel safe.

If they're that mixed then why does almost everyone except you on this thread seem perfectly capable of recognising this as a clear sexual assault?

You believing the message she's giving is mixed is very much a you problem, not a her one.

Have you been on the sauce tonight?

Well surely they would speak to your husband about the fact that he is assaulting you? Then he would at least know that you are serious, and he would hopefully not do it again?

Whether you want to stay with someone who assaults you is a whole different matter, but it doesn't sound like you're ready to leave, so in the meantime getting the police to have a chat might help.
Although... I'm not in the UK, and where I am the police can decide if they want to press charges or not, regardless of what you want. Not sure if it's the same where you are.

I’ve told my sister. She’s raging and coming to see me today.

Well done OP
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My exh was very similar. Being raped every night was my normal. It has affected my ability to have a normal sex life over 25 years later.. Don't let that be you op.

I wouldn't bother telling him how it makes you feel, as 1) he has shown that does not care about your feelings and 2) it can be dismissed as a difference of opinion or perception.

I do not agree with this advice at all

I would bother to tell him how it makes you feel @Hiseyesareorangehistongueisblack in fact you need to be a broken record about it, verbalise it at the time, and every time he does anything that you don't want. Don't fall silent for goodness sake, in the belief that it's futile, he won't listen, he doesn't care, etc.

He must know, he must get to care. That's where you need to take this.

if he doesn't mend his ways, and pronto, then no point issuing an ultimatum, get yourself and your DC to safety. This man is a rapist, he doesn't know the meaning of boundaries and he doesn't respect your views.

Wow.

He doesn't take no for an answer.

That is assault.

I don't blame you for not wanting to go near him.

Glad to read that your sister is visiting you today. Abuse like you're describing thrives on secrecy; time to bust this wide open.

OP has told him repeatedly daisychain and he has continued unsurprisingly because he thinks he has ownership over her. This is about power and control and he wants absolute here. He already knows and he does not give a monkeys about her.

Fab update @Hiseyesareorangehistongueisblack. So pleased to hear you’ve got a raging sister in your corner!!!

You tell the police and you insist he is charged. You give your evidence. He is convicted.

Meanwhile you ask him to leave the house and ask the police for a non- molestation order and you ask him to be charged and file for divorce.

Do it for the children.

Well done OP!

Well done for telling your sister.
You are living with a man who regularly rapes and sexually assaults you.
Hevis utter scum.
You poor poor woman.