How do I deal with this?

[Hiseyesareorangehistongueisblack]

Long time member. Haven’t posted in a while. Need some perspective and will try and keep it brief.

We have an up and down relationship, we have small children. We have an ok sex life although like most couples, we’ve had dry spells and periods when poorly kids / work / stress has been a priority and we’ve had to get through it but on the whole we have sex regularly (including twice this week - context)

DH clearly has an issue with boundaries in all forms (his mother for one) but we’ve repeatedly had an issue with him waking me up in the night for sex when he’s sleeping - trying to pull my PJs / underwear off which has caused a lot of resentment on my part as I do not sleep well (shift work, small kids and a touch of insomnia so sleep is precious!) so his advances are not received well and a lot of the time he can’t remember he’s done it. I’ve set a firm don’t wake me up unless the house is on fire rule. Any way… the other night he was in the shower, I asked if I could jump in quickly with him because he showers for ages and I just wanted a wash and go go to bed. This is not uncommon. In the shower I said I wasn’t interested in sex that night. PJs on, into bed. In bed he then proceeds to pull my PJS off me, again I say I’m not interested, no. He cuddles for a bit then tries again, I give same response, then he did pull my PJ bottoms off. I just laid there. He went down on me - I literally just laid there. Wasn’t nice at all, I was just bemused. Eventually when he tried to enter me I physically held my legs so he couldn’t - he persisted for a while until I lost my shit and punched him in the chest - I said no. I’m not interested I don’t want this. He rolled off and I was so pissed off I went and spent a couple of hours on the sofa until one of the children woke me and then I dealt with that and went to bed.

it’s made me feel shit. I very clearly said no. I said yesterday are we going to talk about it, he said yes, he felt rejected …. I pointed out I had clearly said no 5/6 times and that him pulling my clothes off me and doing what he wanted made me feel disgusting. I said nothing and has said nothing about it since.

today I’m just angry. This isn’t the first time. I just wanted a cuddle and to feel safe.

Nobody wants to break up, OP. But we have to.
My children were in their teens; not a great time.
No regrets.

And you should take the advice you would yourself give your daughter. Why would you not want to do that for yourself?. You have hit him when he has tried to sexually assault you in self defense. No-one would criticise you for doing that.

It will not be "easier" for you to remain with him and if you really do not want this for the rest of your life then you and he will need to be apart.

OP first time posting but wanted to say how sorry I am that this is happening to you. I think you are really strong to keep holding everything together with the kids with this going on in the background. You deserve better - deserve to fall asleep in your bed without worrying what will happen or being assaulted and deserve to be with someone who respects that your body is your body.

Please do try to talk to someone you know or to one of the organisations people have linked to about this and think about how you can get out of the situation and be safe.

It is not your fault he is doing this- from what you’ve said about your sex life it sounds like you are thinking if you had sex with him more often etc that might stop it, but it’s completely possible he gets off on you being asleep etc as he’s more in control or something else. Try not to blame yourself or feel guilty for the effects his actions have. You might be thinking that the effects on the kids of telling someone or leaving or taking other steps to protect yourself will be dreadful and will be your fault. But, staying and not saying anything might have risks too. Either way, you deserve to be safe and you are not responsible for his behaviour. He is saying he feels rejected as though that is something that you shouldn’t do, but the fact is that if you don’t want sex and say no you are rejecting him and that’s completely ok to do.

Anyway, take care of yourself and am really sorry you are in this situation and for writing an essay!

So it sounds as if you’re saying that sometimes he does this while sleeping but sometimes he is awake and alert. Some people have successfully got off rape charges by using a defence that they’re somnambulist and initiate sex unconsciously. Is your partner doing this, or pretending to? if so maybe he is storing up a “defence” against you pressing charges.

in no world is his behaviour acceptable. As you have had the conversation 10+ times with no improvement, are you looking for advice as to what to do next, or do you just need to be heard?

I just wanted a cuddle and to feel safe.
I’m so sorry. Nobody should feel unsafe in their relationship.

“In the shower I said I wasn’t interested in sex that night. PJs on, into bed. In bed he then proceeds to pull my PJS off me, again I say I’m not interested, no. He cuddles for a bit then tries again, I give same response, then he did pull my PJ bottoms off. I just laid there. He went down on me - I literally just laid there. Wasn’t nice at all, I was just bemused. Eventually when he tried to enter me I physically held my legs so he couldn’t - he persisted for a while until I lost my shit and punched him in the chest - I said no.”

This is not a sleep disorder though, is it?

No he definitely was not asleep on this occasion.

Do you know what the best outcome for you would be? Do you think he’ll stop this behaviour if you get through to him in the right way?

Do you want advice to leave him? To sleep separately (with a lock on your door!?)?

It’s a horrible situation for you, and I can see it slowly eroding everything else about the relationship as it undermines your trust and love.

I don’t know. I suppose I posted for some perspective as the waking up has happened so so much for years I’m now used to it. He knows it gives me the absolute rage. Funny enough it’s not happened since I absolutely lost it at him so maybe it’s not as unconscious as I had thought.

i don’t want to leave. For lots of reasons, I can’t, childcare / small children / family life etc is all so finely balanced that leaving or kicking him out would render me unemployed.

I think I need to get through weekend and sit him down. Although I’m Not sure how much more frankly I can make the conversation

Ultimately he needs to take your autonomy seriously and it doesn’t sound at the moment as if he does. Could he get some sort of therapy? Would it help, or does he have problematic core beliefs around consent?

Revoke all access. He should now sleep on the sofa.

Oh, OP. I’m so sorry this is happening to you.

My ex husband did something similar to me once. Just once. It was so confusing, as I thought he was a good guy who wouldn’t hurt me. I squashed it down until after we split up ( for other reasons). That feeling was just there, festering, making me feel awful from the inside out.
He is repeatedly assaulting you, and pretending it’s ok. That’s a 24 hour / 360 degree commitment on his part to eroding you so he can dominate. This is not just a bedroom issue- this is him showing you that he does not respect you.

Re talking to him- why?

This behaviour is a symptom. You can’t make someone understand that they shouldn’t rape by having a reasonable conversation.

However, I do understand that it isn’t always possible to separate right away.
Do you have a spare room you can move into? Or could children share ( even if it means they have the bigger room)?
And just start researching / figuring out how you will cope. Sometimes it’s hard to know HOW things will work out, but somehow they do.

Your need to be right is distracting from an otherwise important thread. It is clear that sometimes he is asleep and sometimes he isn’t. There are two issues at play here. Dealing with both of them is helpful.

Have you looked at what help might be available as a sole parent if your incomeis low? He'd also be expected to pay child maintenance.

I think this has become normalised to you, but it seems to me he's escalating if anything, and that if he hasn't raped you already (which I wouldn't be surprised if there were incidents you've experienced that perhaps you haven't named as that but could be described that way), you are seriously at risk of him doing so.

I know ending it is difficult, but he's not a good man.

Massively mismatched? Bizarre turn of phrase. Who would be a good match for a man who doesn't take no for an answer, proceeds to sexually assualt his partner and then attempts to maniplulate said parter into believing they are in fact the victim? That's some profile. I doubt it is what the OP signed up for.

You know why your sister would go mad OP because you can see how it looks written down. That is how it is, no matter what he says. The question is now you've written it down, can you go back to how things were before?

There's lots of LTB advice, as I'd expect - and you said, if it was your daughter, that's what you'd say yourself.
But at the end of the day there are 3 possible outcomes:
Carry on as you are
LTB
Stay - but he's got to change
So if we ignore the first -
The second you don't want because childcare / work etc could be crippling - although if that is the only reason for staying together, then I'd have to say 'leave!' Things will be different, but you'll find a way
The last way is difficult to control - You've taken the first step by actually stopping him instead of grudgingly consenting, but maybe he needs to stay in a hotel for a couple of days to think seriously and realise that things can't go on as they are, and for you to stay together is going to need committed long term change from him.

Talking to him again is futile. He knows he has you between a rock and a hard place, so there's no incentive to stop assaulting you.

You have talked, you have raged, you have hit him and he continues, over a period of years (so long time) to assault you.

You've exhausted fright and fight, and the only thing left is flight. He will continue to assault you and he will eventually rape you, because the more he does it and you stay, the more his entitlement increases.

My darling, I am sorry you're in the horrible situation but there's only one of several ways this goes - he dies and you're free, he continues in this vain or you leave and set yourself free.

Refer him to the cup of tea video - https://www.google.com/search?q=tea+and+consent&rlz=1C1ONGR_en-GBGB980GB980&oq=tea+and+consent&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUyCQgAEEUYORiABDIHCAEQABiABDIHCAIQABiABDIHCAMQABiABDIHCAQQABiABDIHCAUQABiABDIHCAYQABiABDIHCAcQABiABDINCAgQABiGAxiABBiKBTINCAkQABiGAxiABBiKBdIBCTM5NTdqMWoxNagCCLACAQ&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8#fpstate=ive&vld=cid:7f1af38b,vid:pZwvrxVavnQ,st:0

i don’t want to leave. For lots of reasons, I can’t, childcare / small children / family life etc is all so finely balanced that leaving or kicking him out would render me unemployed.
what would happen to this should you become widowed? what would happen to these issues should he decide to leave you?
would you feel better if he initiated the separation? realizing that if he chooses the timing you might loose out financially more so than if you choose the timing?

counseling with an abuser is not recommended.

I feel so sad that any woman would stay with a man to maintain a family life, coupled with a DH who was sexually abusing her. Because that’s what it is.
The OP deserves better. To be safe and cherished and loved in her own home.
This man hasn’t got memory problems he’s a monster.

You said he has done this in the past whilst he was asleep, I don’t believe he was asleep as he feels entitled to use your body when he gets the urge whilst awake!

I don’t care about being right. I care that you are trying to mitigate the extended sexual assault suffered by the OP as a sleep disorder.
She is asleep. He is an abusive sexual predator. She is awake. He is still an abusive sexual predator.

It’s not a disorder. It’s the choice he is making.

I’m doing no such thing. I said it was sexual assault very clearly when I posted in reply to the OP.

IF some of the assault happen while her husband is asleep, that is a sleep disorder which needs fixing. I also said that there are the two issues at play and both need addressing in my response to you.

You are so fixated on being right you aren’t even reading properly.

OP you could tell him that you are leaving unless he goes to a sex therapist with you and is honest about what he’s been doing. There’s a chance he can be helped to understand that this is assault and behave differently. It’s a long shot but not impossible that you can rebuild your relationship . Otherwise you’ll have to leave surely- you can’t live with an abuser.

Ok. I’ll say it slowly:

The OP does not suggest HE is asleep. At all.

You seem fixated on it being a sleep disorder.