My husband has left me I'm devastated

[Lemonsandlemonade]

My husband of ten years and in a relationship with for 20 years has decided tonight that he is no longer in love with me and wants to leave me.

All he can say is that he no longer wants to be with me but loves me. He swears and I believe that there is nobody else.

I have no idea of next steps. We have a mortgage.

we have a beautiful three year old together and now I have to tell him that daddy and mummy no longer are together.

my world is broken.

There’s also a checklist on the Runaway Husbands website:

Hallmarks of Wife Abandonment Syndrome

Do you suspect that you’re a victim of Wife Abandonment Syndrome? Here are the ten defining characteristics that will let you know if you are. You don’t need to check off all ten to fit the definition.

1.Prior to the separation, the husband had seemed to be an attentive, emotionally engaged spouse, looked upon by his wife as honest and trustworthy.

2.The husband had never said that he was unhappy in the marriage or thinking of leaving, and the wife believed herself to be in a secure relationship.

3.The husband typically blurts out the news that the marriage is over "out-of-the-blue" in the middle of a mundane domestic conversation.

4.Reasons given for his decision are nonsensical, exaggerated, trivial or fraudulent.

5.By the time the husband reveals his intentions to his wife, the end of the marriage is already a fait accompli and he often moves out quickly.

6.The husband’s behavior changes radically, so much so that it seems to his wife that he has become a cruel and vindictive stranger.

7.The husband shows no remorse; rather, he blames his wife and may describe himself as the victim.

8.In almost all cases, the husband had been having an affair.

9.The husband makes no attempt to help his wife, either financially or emotionally, as if all positive regard for her has been completely extinguished.

10.Systematically devaluing the marriage, the husband denies what he had previously described as positive aspects of the couple's joint history.

But realistically, if he’s truthful about just not loving her any more, what else could he do ?

Really @Rosscameasdoody
You don’t think he could tried to communicate with the OO months, years ago before it all became too much?
You don’t think he could have proposed to try counselling?
Are you maybe thinking that, in a marriage, you have an on agd off switch for love. And once it’s switched off then that’s it?

Come on.
Anyone in such a long relationship should start with talking with their partner and raise the issues they have. They should talk about how they feel.
Thats SOME of the things he cpuld have done befire dropping a bombshell. That’s some of the stuff he could have done if he had cared a minimum for the OP and for the marriage.
And at a minimum, it wouldn't have been the bombshell itvwas.

His heartlessness does point to there being an OW, unless there have been other issues in your marriage before now that would explain him being so cold and cruel to you after dropping this bombshell.

Instead of asking him to leave immediately, which you seem reluctant to do, could you go and stay with any friends/family for a few days to get your head in order? I think being in the family home is going to be incredibly difficult for the next few days and you deserve some space to process this.

You are not ready to see lawyers etc. you have literally just found out. Your thinking will be clouded. Your brain is fuddled. You just need to take your time and absorb what is going on right now. You're not ready to make big plans. Focus on just getting through your day to day whatever that involves and yes take time off from work. I'm not saying you do nothing though. He needs to move out somewhere to give you some space. He doesn't get to drop a bombshell and stay. You will be in the biggest panic of your life currently. I'm sorry. I know how awful it is. Oh if you do have joint savings etc get the bank to freeze them. They are well versed in these situations. Protect yourself.

Precisely.

So basically she should wait for him to realise his mistake and welcome him back with open arms to enjoy his home comforts again ? You’re seriously advising someone whose marriage has just been blown apart to act like a doormat, and everything will work out fine as she lives the rest of her life with a man she knows doesn’t love her, and who is only there because he doesn’t like the harsh alternative ? This has to be a wind up, surely ?

And again oP, I totally agree with this.

It’s on him. Tell him to move out.

STOP TELLING OP THERE IS ANOTHER WOMAN.

@Lemonsandlemonade You are in absolute shock. This is completely normal. He is able to say things like "the quicker you get back to normal the better" because he has been ruminating on this for a long time. He has time to process and grieve the relationship. His realisation that your relationship is dead and grief was like someone who went through a very prolonged illness and now he's at a place of acceptance. For you it's more like a sudden heart attack. Of course you are in completely different places in terms of your ability to "move on".

Children are so resilient and will absolutely take their cues from you. If they see mummy and daddy are ok, they will be ok. This means that it's really important to look after yourself. Talk to someone in real life. Give yourself a couple of days then start planning your new future. You are young enough to have a three year old child. That means you have a vast and potentially wonderful future ahead of you.

Don't look at this as a failure on your part. You have been able to maintain a relationship for twenty years through ups and downs and heartache. You have learned and grown and developed. You're not the same woman as that little 16 year old girl and he's not the same man. But you have grown up together and changed and that's ok. You are lovable - your child adores you, your mum loves you, your dad loved you and your husband loved you. He just doesn't love you the way you need to be loved now and actually by moving out of the way he is creating space at some point in the future for you to be loved and adored by the right person.

You will get through this. For the sake of your son, don't rush, be kind to each other and be kind to yourself.

Not a comfort, but it may stop you wasting your time wondering what you could have done to save your marriage or feeling that maybe it's your fault.

How many of you have sons?
How many of you have adult sons?
If your son said he was very unhappy in his marriage what would you advise?
Would you give different advice to a daughter?
Look, I don't know anything more about this marriage than anyone else. Yes the OP is in absolute turmoil and distress. But why does every thread have to end with the man being a complete bastard?
And how many times do you tell the woman to leave if she is unhappy?

He said it's all a done deal now and we need to move forward.

Erm…he told you only last night? What a bizarre (and callous) thing to say.

He wants you to sit down and shut up and dance to his tune. Don’t. Tell him he needs to pack a bag and get out to give you time to think about what YOU want.

He does not get to call the shots here. You’re devastated atm but you’ll find your anger. H needs to leave and start experiencing the freedom he so desperately wants.

And do not - DO NOT do anything domestic for him. He does his own washing, cooking etc until he’s moved out.

And what good are all those things now ? Hindsight is 20/20. Right from the start this thread hasn’t been about the actual issue - so much projection and speculation about ‘the other woman’ when the issue according to OP is that he simply doesn’t love her any more. If that’s true no amount of counselling is going to change it, and banging on and on incessantly about other women is massively unhelpful when the emotions OP will be feeling are in response to being told he doesn’t love her. No ifs, no buts, no other woman to blame and hate, just ‘l simply don’t love you’. And there has been scant advice as to how to handle that.

OP says their marriage had its ups and downs, so clearly something hasn’t been right - why weren’t they talking then ? And no, l don’t think love has an on off switch, don’t be so patronising. What’s happened has happened and I’m one of the few posters taking OP at her word - she knows her husband better than randoms on the internet. He’s told her the truth about his feelings for her. He doesn’t want to live a lie. Fine. Neither should she.

Why do all relationships need to end in anger. Why can't there be an attempt at empathy and understanding. Yes he's accepted the marriage is over and yes he is being unreasonable in expecting OP to be able to move on - but that is more likely down to him being unable to cope with his own feelings of guilt than him trying to exert a controlling influence. I have ended relationships in the past and yes I wanted the other person to get over and be friends because watching their devastation and pain hurt me and I couldn't cope with the fact my actions had caused it. I knew separating was the right thing to do because I didn't love them the way they deserved and I didn't want to be there anymore, but I still cared about them.

Op and her husband have been together since they children. They have never split up with anyone on a serious level until now. They are going to make mistakes and say the wrong thing and not know what to do or feel. But they have a child together and a real shot at making this an amicable and healthy split. They have a real shot at getting this right from the start. It's not helpful at this stage - when there is no real wrong-doing- to tell Op she should be angry and conflictual.

I'm so sorry - the shock is awful and traumatising.

First and foremost look after yourself, try and eat something, self care is massively important. Take some time off work - your GP will be able to sign you off if need be, and I found mine to be a huge support.

Then think, what do you want the future to look like, without him. Not what he wants to do, but what YOU want. It's time to put your and your sons needs first, and you OH should not be dictating how or when you recover from this.

It does get easier, and you will come out the other side. It'll be different, but that doesn't need to mean worse.

This. If a man was posting as OP has, he’d be told his wife has a right to leave if she’s unhappy, and probably that he’s the sole reason she isn’t. But I’d bet the farm he wouldn’t be told repeatedly that there’s inevitably another man involved.

A voice of reason in the abyss.

Women don't always leave for another man/woman whereas statistically men do. But not always so OP could be right?

She can tell him, but he doesn’t have to agree. She may have to compromise until they sort things out.

Well said @PureBoggin 👍

I’m sorry OP. Whether there is another woman or not, him suddenly pulling the rug out from under you and trying to make you carry the burden by just shutting up and getting on with life - vs being naturally upset and forcing him to confront the reality of the pain he’s just caused - is cowardly on his part.

There were many other ways he could have chosen to do this, including talking about how he was feeling and looking at counselling etc, particularly as you have a child together.

You are lovable, don’t let this make you think otherwise.

There will be another woman without a doubt !

Naively at 1am I posted this

You will find endless support (and advice) on here.

@Lemonsandlemonade , to be honest having seen the turn this thread has taken I'm really not sure that Mumsnet is the best place to be right now.

I know you said you were short of real-life support, especially since the loss of your father. I'm hoping that you've spoken to your mother. Sitting down in the real world with someone who knows you, knows your husband, cares about you and your son and can read the signals would be by far the best thing right now.

Well I think OP has every right to be angry: they have been in a relationship for 20 years and yet her DH didn't talk to her about how he was feeling. Didn't raise any issues with her. Just internalised it and dropped the bombshell on her that he is no longer " in love " with her. And then expects her to get on with life as normal. That is on a different level from " saying the wrong thing". What couples are " in love" after 20 years? Usually love has morphed into a different type of love after that length of time.

Not only has OP every right to be angry her anger will protect her. Because what are the alternatives: Either to fall apart or for her to internalise her hurt and try and act normally and suffer the consequences later to her mental health.

Anger is a great motivator and OP needs motivation to secure the best future she can for herself and her son.

IT DOES NOT MATTER IF THERE IS ANOTHER WOMAN OR NOT
THAT IS IRRELEVANT

OP - don't waste time thinking about if there is OW
Don't go snooping for evidence. It doesn't matter because it won't change anything.

Put a steel cage around your heart for now, and get hard-headed.
You can cry all you like later. But you have to take action now, while he if off-guard.

At the moment he is ten steps ahead of you emotionally. You need to get ahead practically.
Don't let him know you are getting ahead.

This man is not your friend. You cannot trust him. You definitely cannot trust him to be "fair" in the divorce. Sadly, many men try to hide money and assets, to cheat their wives and children.

Go and look for the following, and make copies or take photos.

His payslips, and P60's, or if he is self employed his business accounts.
His bank statements including any savings accounts
His pension documents
Evidence of the cost of any big assets, such as purchase price of cars, watches, equipment for sports or hobbies.
Proof of the money you put in for a deposit on the house, and have put in to any expensive improvements to the house, such as extensions.
Proof of how much you have been paying for the mortgage and household costs.
Obvs this will depend on how your finances are set up, e.g. whether the mortgage comes out of a joint current account.

That is all you have to do for now.
Then you can wait, and see what he does next.

Not on MN. It’s always another woman apparently. Which is why there’s very little advice forthcoming about how to handle the devastation of the man you love telling you it’s over because he just doesn’t love you any more. The whataboutery is much easier - tell OP there’s always another woman so she can distract and stress herself with that until she has a breakdown because she hasn’t dealt with what’s actually in front of her. Oh and MN know him better than she does - never clapped eyes on him but can confidently pronounce her delusional if she thinks he’s not cheating. According to one poster he’s probably gay. Batshit