My husband has left me I'm devastated

[Lemonsandlemonade]

My husband of ten years and in a relationship with for 20 years has decided tonight that he is no longer in love with me and wants to leave me.

All he can say is that he no longer wants to be with me but loves me. He swears and I believe that there is nobody else.

I have no idea of next steps. We have a mortgage.

we have a beautiful three year old together and now I have to tell him that daddy and mummy no longer are together.

my world is broken.

When people are cruel to other people, nothing better ever follows for them. Take comfort in that. I have seen too many cruel acts in my life which have turned into a miserable end story for the perpetrator. i.e. they discover that the freedom they wanted is a cold and friendless place to be and realise, only too late what a terrible mistake they have made. Be strong. Move forward into your new life.

That was a very wise answer.
And tbh this is the sort of arrangement simeine who wants his cake and eat it would say.
Because what he says is: I want my normal life, you cooking, cleaning etc…as usual whilsy I have my freedom. Freedom to go in and out as I please. Freedom to see someone if I want to etc….

I'm not very good at the advice thing but please don't hate yourself, I've really found this sad that you say you hate yourself.

I've not been on MN very long but I know that you will get so much help, advice and support from here

Big hugs to you x

I'm not depressed I feel numb extremely low due to circumstances. My life has been completely and utterly blindsided. I hate myself because how can I be lovable.

I know I have a lovely DS am lucky in that regard but I have no strength.

I accidentally text my DM so she knows now.

I’m afraid this is likely op. Even if he isn’t currently acting on it, I suspect there is someone in his sights as there usually is for them to get the impetus to break, especially when there are children involved. Otherwise the tendency is to hope it improves. So do prepare yourself for that.

Ultimately if he wants to go, he wants to go and isn’t worth fighting for. Talking about “being in love” when you are a married father is a bit pathetic. Other emotions ought to kick in - such as loyalty, responsibility etc. But that’s him, not you. Give your baby a hug and I hope and trust happier times lie ahead for you both. Xx

Best of luck OP. FWIW, I believe you when you say that there's no one else involved. I am not sure why everyone on here is so sure of it.

@Rosscameasdoody Because clearly from her posts she isn't coping with it and have no support network. At least, it will stop the downward spiralling and give time to process. I disagree that it won't allow to see the full picture

H reply the quicker you get back to a normal routine the better for you.

im sorry @Lemonsandlemonade
He is so heartless and there is little compassion in his answer.
He might also struggle to see the real impact on his decision on you - not that it will change his mind! But it’s much easier when you dint have to face the consequences of your decision. And living your life as normal = all is ok and it wasn’t such a big deal.

He seems to forget he had plenty of time to get used to the idea of separating whereas it’s a shock to you. It’s pretty normal you need time to get your head aroubd it. It’s probably going to take you quite a bit of time too.

Soon you’ll find your anger and will feel stronger for that.
You’ve had a massive shock so for now while your son is at nursery have a cry and a rant at the walls if you feel like it.
You will be strong enough to make a future for yourself and your son, and it’ll be a good future. Your son is young enough to adapt and will take his lead from you. You have your son’s interest at the centre of your life, where it should be — sadly your husband doesn’t.
Your husband is weak, he should have worked through all his questions and answers around your son’s conception long ago. Counselling might help now but you may find he’s not open to that.
For now look after you, cry when you need to then mentally put your husband in a box and drop kick him away while you concentrate on the two people who matter.

Numbness is really normal OP.

This is on him. You are of course lovable.

Do people think it’s some sort of comfort to think your spouse is cheating on you or something?

I'm so sorry.

I'd honestly let him do all the 'sorting' and telling child and dealing with mortgages and proposals for childcare and absolutely everything else!

"Your husband is no longer your best friend or on your side. He does not have you or your son's best interests at heart - or he wouldn't be doing this. Of course he's trotting out that old chestnut about loving you which is quickly followed by saying he is not "in love" with you. You'll notice his first impulse was not to talk to you about the problem or suggest counselling before he blew up your marriage."

This paragraph by @Pinkpurpletulips sums it up in a nutshell.

Sorry, but a decent man, who claims to love you, but isn't "in love" with you, who also has a small child with you, should be putting aside his feelings and at least attempting to communicate through this. He hasn't done that. Also, his first impulse is to drop a bombshell and flounce off. No talking or communicating in any way.

Of course he says there's not another woman. I wouldn't take that as gospel OP. Yes, perhaps there isn't immediately a warm bed waiting for him, but I'd bet good money that there's another woman, probably younger and childless, whose been paying him some attention and/or flirting, and he's got, at the absolute minimum, a crush.

I'm so sorry all this is happening right now.

He needs a good reality check I'd say. He may not be happy right now, but there's a good chance if he was living in his own place with all the mortgage/bills coming out and just has his own company most of the time, it may not seem like quite a good idea. Remember, whilst he's still living with you, he still has all his comforts around him. Its not a true representation of him being by himself.

Take all he's saying with a pinch of salt, let him stay at his mums, let her drive him mad, let him miss you and little boy.

Just relax, odds are he just needs a little bit of space to realise what he'd miss.

I've been there, it did the world of good and changed everything for the better. Wishing for the same for you xx

I hate myself because how can I be lovable.

Another option is that he is a twat.
One that saw problems in a 20 years relationship but couldn’t be arsed to raise the issues, to discuss how he felt before it was all too late. One that didn’t think maybe couple counselling could help.

You dont leave a 20 year partnership just like that. It took time for things to get to that stage. Not just the last few weeks when he was grumpy (at that stage he probably had taken his decision but didn’t have the courage to tell you).

But he didn’t lift a finger to try and make it better.

Nothing to do with you there. You can’t solve problems you dont know exist.

I really hope your first sentence turns to reality for these people.

Great story Pombear. I think that the fact that OP's DH is not planning to move out, also points to there possibly being no OW involved.

OP, I am so sorry this has happened and I hope you can very soon take charge, as you intend to do, and show this loser the door.

I don’t understand the eye roll. Are only women allowed to have a crisis ? Are you not aware of the high suicide rates among men ? There’s at least one other poster saying she’s in the same situation after her long term partner developed serious mental health issues.

OP’s husband has dropped a bomb. Callously and intentionally. But realistically, if he’s truthful about just not loving her any more, what else could he do ? He doesn’t want to live a lie, and what kind of a life would OP have if he did ? But at some point in the near future he has to move out. Short term I think OP has to make a compromise in their living arrangements while they sort themselves legally. But this crap about not separating for the good of the child is exactly that - crap. He’s thinking of his own comforts and his finances, not his child. So OP needs to drop a bomb of her own. ‘I want a divorce and we’ll go our separate ways - ASAP’. Dropped just as callously and intentionally as his own bombshell.

He’s the one who blew it up, but regardless of the truth of his feelings and the validity of his reasons for doing so, he doesn’t get to call the shots about what happens next. There are two other people involved and it’s not all about him.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I know the 'there's another woman' stuff must feel like a pile on but I think people are trying to prepare you. And another woman can just mean head turning rather than a full blown affair but in more cases than not, there is an idea of a life with someone else even if they haven't done anything yet (sorry).

I would recommend reading The Script. Not as some kind of gotcha he must be doing the dirty but to give you an understanding of where men go when it reaches this stage.

Dealing with the icy cold demeanor and the rewriting of your shared history, especially as it covers the whole of your adult life, is going to be tough.

Having a bit of insight into this pattern of behaviour might help you get through it, although it won't feel that way now.

Similarly the advice about photographing paper work, pensions documents, bank statements etc is good. You won't want to feel he'll turn but he's not in your corner any more, hard as that is to hear.

There is a window of guilt in which most men are more amenable before the shutters come down and getting things done in this period is useful. The money in the joint account can be used for your legal advice - and you need it. Can't afford it it's an option.

Look at online benefit calculators like Turn to Us. The process can be started even if he's not moved out.

Most importantly, remember you count too. He can end the relationship but he doesn't get the unilateral say in how he does that. Once you are past the initial shock you need to have a think about what you want to happen (I realise it's not want but how do you need to move forward)?

Hi OP. Order a copy of this book.

Runaway Husbands: The Abandoned Wife's Guide to Recovery and Renewal
by Vikki Stark

Here is an excerpt from the website:

Is This Your Story?
You believed yourself to be in a happy, secure marriage. Then one day, out-of-the-blue, your husband turned to you and said, “I can’t do this anymore” and just like that, your marriage was over.

From that moment on, your life became unrecognizable as you struggled to understand what happened.

I'm here to tell you that you're not alone and you're not crazy - you're a victim of Wife Abandonment Syndrome.

Wife Abandonment Syndrome is when a husband leaves his wife out-of-the-blue without ever having told her that he was unhappy in the marriage.

Following his sudden departure, he replaces the caring he'd typically shown her with anger and aggression. He often moves directly in with a girlfriend, leaving his bewildered wife totally devastated.

Although recovery is a struggle, many women find that it forces them to reinvent themselves in positive and exciting new ways.

This. It’s gaslighting.

I'm sorry op but I'd put money on there being another woman. You said you know when he's lying but how long has been lying to you about not being in love with you?

Oh OP. This is heartbreaking. Dont turn on yourself here, he’s the one being a giant turd. Very shoddy behaviour to take you by Suprise like this.
You need to turn your anger into action rather than self loathing. Go cold on him. Find your strength. Seek legal advice as you are going to need it here. Keep conversation with him to a minimum but make it clear he isn’t going to be staying in your spare room as a long term solution getting the “best of both worlds”. Be business like and stop doing anything domestic for him. Let him face the consequences and know he isn’t going to get to call all the shots here. The house will need to be sold if he wants to split up (assuming you own) and you will need to buy separate places and share custody of your child. He doesn’t get to carry on living with you like a footloose and fancy free teenager.

No. But time and again I’ve seen this. The affair gets hidden at first so the breakdown isn’t blamed on that.

Also sometimes when people are talking like OP and saying they hate themselves or are “ unlovable” it actually CAN help to realise it was a head-turn more than a flat out rejection. The concealing of the affair can be more about protecting the guilty parties and leaves the person cheated on feeling perplexed.

However, reading through other replies, I can see she definitely has been alerted to the possibility - and it may NOT be the case.

Op it may be he is working through complicated issues relating to your DS and the biological connection. The wanting to live separately but together does point to some complicated feelings on his part.

Whatever it is, it isn’t that you are unlovable. Even he has said that.

And as for not feeling strong, no one would in this situation at this juncture. Strength will come later.

I've just read your thread and just wanted to say how sorry I am. The most horrible thing is him telling you to move forward within hours of telling you. Terrible.

I wouldn't let him stay in the house, it won't help you in any way.