My husband has left me I'm devastated

[Lemonsandlemonade]

My husband of ten years and in a relationship with for 20 years has decided tonight that he is no longer in love with me and wants to leave me.

All he can say is that he no longer wants to be with me but loves me. He swears and I believe that there is nobody else.

I have no idea of next steps. We have a mortgage.

we have a beautiful three year old together and now I have to tell him that daddy and mummy no longer are together.

my world is broken.

I agree with you, but it should be noted that she said their marriage has had it’s problems, and without knowing the specifics it’s hard to know what has been voiced and what hasn’t.

This is good advice!

Get everything in place. You may never need it but if you do it's better to be prepared.

Then don't do anything - let him deal with all the practicalities. If he wants to leave/divorce/etc then just let him get on with the organisation of that.

Can we stop this? It’s likely there is another women BUT it’s not always the case. There’s no need to convince the OP of this when non of us no and it doesn’t need to keep being repeated.

It is possible to fall out of love with someone and leave.

I’m sorry OP, I can’t imagine how you are feeling

If your son or daughter said they were unhappy (unless in an abusive relationship) would you not suggest they try counselling first before breaking up a family and 20 year relationship? Suggest communicating whatever the issue is?

Would you advise your son or daughter to tell their spouse to basically 'get on with it' the day after dropping a bombshell?

I'd be pretty disgusted with my adult child if they showed so little empathy and expected their spouse still to live with them just to make their own lives easier after blindsiding their partner.

Note also he has told their DS he is staying at his DMs until Monday with no mention of him doing any childcare. Presumably the OP will have to be doing all the parenting while dealing with this massive shock. So no, none of these things I would advise my children.

My DH left me when my dd was about 2.5 like your DH things with his mood had been off for a while but his work was busy, her behaviour wasn’t the best, we were stuck in a tiny flat trying to move house.Our dd was ivf too - puts so much strain on any relationship. Like you I just knew there wasn’t another woman, everyone on here said there was. I get that this is often the case but not always. I am not religious although brought up in the Catholic Church. One of the first things I did was go see the priest and I swear he made me feel a million times better. It was not my fault, my child and I would both be fine. I grew strong - you will too. You will have bad or sad moments but you will find a strength you never expected and pull through for the sake of your son.

In the end it turned out my DH was having a breakdown. I got really concerned at one point and called my sil (which speaks volumes). We were separated for 8 months all in. We have been back together for over 5 years and never actually been happier. Take some time, breathe and think. If this is genuinely out of character, you are 100% sure there is no ow could he be going through some mental health struggles. Not being the ‘biological’ dad may have a lot to do with that which is so sad as he sounds like he has a lovely relationship with ds.

OP has said repeatedly she’s sure there is no other woman. The fact that he’s suggested they stay together for their child bears this out to some extent. And if there really isn’t another woman OP would be focused on the wrong thing instead of processing what’s in front of her, which is a totally different set of emotions than the response to being cheated on. Encouraging her to look for something that probably isn’t there, instead of the reality really isn’t helpful.

Read this post op, and forget about the pontificating about how marriages should end, whether people should or shouldn’t warn you he might have a gf, and know that, whatever is going on with him, you have had a vicious blindside which will naturally take time to gather your strength from.

You are strong, you are lovable, and you will move through this whatever the current unknowables are.

Anger is one of the natural emotions that all people going through grief will inevitably experience. But it is the least helpful and the one most likely to cause longer term harm to the future of their co-parenting relationship and ultimately to their child. Op will feel all of the feeling on her own. She doesn't need encouragement to "find her anger" if that is not how she is currently or naturally feeling.

You said

Because what are the alternatives: Either to fall apart or for her to internalise her hurt and try and act normally and suffer the consequences later to her mental health.

The alternative is to look at the situation from all angles. To examine her and her partner's feelings with empathy and understanding. To move away from the toxicity of blame and retribution. If she feels she is getting stuck in any of her feelings to seek help from a professional to move through them and not allow them to affect her relationships. It is not an either/or situation. The OP can absolutely feel hurt, sadness, even anger but they DONT have to drive her actions.

The most mentally unhealthy people I know are those who have let anger and blame drive their relationships with people and who lives in conflict every day. There is lots and lots of research that shows that children can thrive in separated households but only where there is no conflict.

I am so sorry OP. I have read the whole thread and, although I have no additional advice to offer, just wanted to post and send you some strength vibes. 🌸

Well done op for shifting into ‘take charge mode’. I think sitting in bed crying at this very early stage is part of the process and perfectly OK. Cry and cleanse him out of your system.

Your next steps are preparing how to inform those very close to you. Start looking for a counsellor that is affordable. Seek legal advice from a pro bono or women’s legal service. Join an online community or a Facebook group to ask anonymous questions - one for women in your situation - they will offer lots of good practical advice. Find a good podcast on separating and the emotional aspect. Cry in the shower and when your child is at school but do try to keep yourself busy and getting on with things and in a routine at other times. Keep walking and exercising and eating well - do not get swept up in this crisis.
Try to out funds in your bank account with only your name and access where you can - perhaps worth a trip to the bank.

Going forward please remember that anyone who could leave you alone with a 3 year old without properly working on the relationship or giving proper closure or addressing issues, is not someone you can trust. He’s made a decision to not be in your team and so from
now on put a wall up, don’t ‘telegraph your punches’ and start getting your “war chest” together.

True. Could be undiagnosed post natal depression or mental health form 3 years of parenting, life changes and sleep deprivation. Mental health issues in Dad’s often go overlooked.

Of course I would suggest they tried to talk it over
Of course I would want them to communicate whatever the issue is.
On the one hand, however, there are posters saying he should leave now. And when he does he's a swine because he's not doing childcare. If he stayed to do just that, he's a swine for staying. Takes the kid to nursery, he's a swine. Packs his bags and goes, he's a swine.
If he had said 6 weeks, 6 months ago that it wasn't working and the OP had posted then, it would be..
Get your ducks in a row.
Get all the financials.
See a solicitor.
Wait for the script.
Don't wait for him,call all the shots.
Get him out of the house.
Much like the advice now.
Sometimes relationship end.
Only the people involved really know why.

How can a counsellor restore feelings that have gone ? DH has communicated his feelings and his issues. Assuming he’s being truthful, he probably thinks the best advice for OP is to ‘get on with it’ because he knows the marriage is at an end. He’s probably feeling guilty that his actions have caused so much distress so he’s gone to DM’s so he doesn’t have to see it. Not the best way to deal with the situation but hindsight is 20/20.

This.

What a dick he is.

He's had weeks or even months where he has had chance to slowly emotionally distance himself from you, he then completely blindsides you - and then expects you to be instantly over it just because he is.

You need time to process this. Don't feel you have to do anything just because he thinks you should be. You don't have to work to his time scales and you don't have to have him in the spare room making out there's something wrong with you when your whole world's just been turned upside down.

What an asshole.

I am so so sorry, OP. This happened to me in the spring of this year. The shock and grief were a physical pain like a rock in my chest. He told me that he saw me as a platonic roommate but no more. I’m sorry to say that he also swore there was no-one else but this was a lie. He was infatuated with someone at work and they are now together.

It will get easier. Cry and scream but also look after yourself. Make yourself eat; you will need your strength. Lean on your support networks in real life. You will be astonished at the love and support that others will show you and it will be your lifeline.

They can't, but when he first started feeling unhappy that's when he should have done it. And counselling isn't just helpful for working out issues, it's helpful for the separation. It would have been much better for the OP had she not just been hit with that shock out the blue, he could have given their 20 year relationship enough respect to do that.

He may be feeling guilty (although he did initially want to stay in the same house so not sure on that one), either way I do agree with you that he doesn't want to have to deal with the upset he's caused!

Are you always this much of an apologist for shitty men? Telling someone to 'get over it' when you've just out of the blue ended your 20 year relationship with them shows zero empathy and is nothing but a dick move.

If you look upthread your words have been repeated many times. Sadly there are those who can’t bear to think that someone can simply fall out of love and end the relationship without another go to partner. They would rather send OP down the other woman rabbit hole than offer advice on dealing with the devastation of the man she loves admitting he no longer loves her.

Yes you're going to be sad, yes this is going to be hard.
But if he doesn't love you then it's best he go. If you don't think you can live with him as he suggests then make that clear and stick to it, there's no point him trying to persuade you it will be okay if he stays because that's not going to work for your mental health.

Your son will be okay as long as you act with dignity and are fair to each other.
You can prove how strong you are and how you can put him first by working with your husband to get through this break up amicably.
You can pick yourself up and your life will be okay, you need to believe that. What is the point in being with someone who doesn't love you?

Don't hate yourself, it's got nothing to do with you, it's all to do with him.

I am so sorry to read this but you have to reframe everything.

You are not broken. Being married doesn't make you whole. You have nothing to hate yourself for.

Whether he has someone else or not is irrelevant now. He doesn't want a relationship with you so take him at his word.

Get all financial paperwork in place. Speak to a solicitor about a divorce. He will have to finance his child. You need to file for divorce and tick the financial order needed box. You can do that on your own, costs just under £600.

You don't have to do anything I've just said today of course, but you do need to accept it is over. Of course, being a man there is a chance that when he sees you saying okay, getting on with your life and he gets the divorce notification, he might suddenly change his mind. Up to you if you let him stay but I'd make him pay to protect yourself for when he does it again.

There is no pretending that divorce is not bloody awful. You'll find out stuff about him you never believed but you'll also discover you are much much stronger than you would ever have guessed.

You are a mum and that gives you strength. Use it.

I tried this. It was absolutely savage.

I still don't know if my exH had another woman at the time, but he went to the counselling to try and make me realise it was over and to be able to tell me how awful I was in a "safe space", whereas I went to try and save our marriage. It damaged me almost beyond repair.

I don't recommend going unless the both of you are truly committed to trying your best to salvage your relationship.

Esp with the more complicated background of DS being donor sperm on top of the ivf, sleep deprivation etc.

A lot of men feel “ left out” when the mum is deeply “ in the trenches” of childcare and I can see how this could add a layer to that.

Just be as kind to yourself and as strong as you can op. Things will come clear.

This is very cold. I’m glad you’re not at work. Treat yourself as if ill- heartbreak has physiological effects, so be as nice to yourself as you can.

Practical advice here about financial paperwork and legal advice is good, but take some time to move through all the feelings- it’ll be horrible but you can’t get past them without going through them. Then you’ll be a bit better placed to start dealing with that stuff.

And your son can be fine- co-parenting is perfectly doable. Wishing you all the best.

Read my other posts. I’m not an apologist for anything. He’s a man. He probably thinks he’s being practical by telling her they need to move forward, because he’s had time to process it before he’s dropped the bomb. Then he’s scarpered to mummy so he doesn’t have to witness the fallout. OP doesn’t need his empathy. She needs to act before he gets cosy with his separate lives from the same home proposition.