My husband has left me I'm devastated

[Lemonsandlemonade]

My husband of ten years and in a relationship with for 20 years has decided tonight that he is no longer in love with me and wants to leave me.

All he can say is that he no longer wants to be with me but loves me. He swears and I believe that there is nobody else.

I have no idea of next steps. We have a mortgage.

we have a beautiful three year old together and now I have to tell him that daddy and mummy no longer are together.

my world is broken.

I agree that there needn't be another woman. It was worth raising so it's not such a shock to the OP if it does come to pass, but enough people have said it for it not needing to be pushed any more. However this: "How would you like it if people said that every time a woman ended a relationship it must be because there’s another man?" is missing the point, as women often leave without having another man, so it's irrelevant and disingenuous to do the tiresome m/f flip here.

I'm guessing that the other-woman narrative is some sort of projection from people who sadly have been through that situation themselves, but it's really not very helpful (or sympathetic) to advise someone on the assumption that what happened to you must be happening to them, especially when they're telling us that it's not, and they're better placed to know.

Obviously it isn't always true - I know one couple I genuinely think are truly in love and he's a really good guy. But generally, I've also noticed that couples who got together young seem much more likely to separate. The man (usually) seems to have a midlife crisis and panic about not having "experienced enough", or whatever. Couples who got together young also don't necessarily have as much in common when they're fully developed adults. They haven't made a conscious decision to choose each other, as fully formed adults, in the same way people who got together older have.

Of course it's not always true and sometimes the reverse holds - people also get together in their 30s because they realise the clock's ticking and make a compromise. But I do generally agree with you.

Ok girl.
Buckle up and stop the tears.
None of us ever look at anyone crying and want them.
So instead grow angry and strong.
Find a treat to do with your son.
Even if it is just a happy Christmas movie.
You need to show this selfish man that your ok. That you can go forward.
Tell him to not forget to Christmas show for his gifts, as he wants to separate.
Make sure your self gift, so your child see Santa came for you.
None off you to his dad.

I've not gone to work - H reply the quicker you get back to a normal routine the better for you.
He said it's all a done deal now and we need to move forward

I'm so sorry, that awful for you to hear. He has lost all empathy towards you. You will be in shock and very sensible that you didn't go to work.

You mention an age gap? How old are you and H?

What a heartless thing to do OP. My thoughts changed on always assuming there was another woman when this happened to someone I know. Her husband left suddenly with no warning apart from unusual moods. He swore there was no other woman involved. There wasn't,it was a man. He had been struggling with his sexuality for a long time & finally had to leave & live a different life. As I always say nothing could be further from the truth but it's worth adding to the mix when trying to work out where it went wrong.

She got through it & is happily married again. It will feel like nothing will ever be the same again. It will & given time your life will be better.

Well men often leave without there being another woman 🤷‍♀️
People leave relationships for all sorts of reasons - who’d have thought

It sounds like your H has had this in mind for some time and so is naturally much further down the road than you are. Whereas you've been hit with this emotional truck out of nowhere.

It may be helpful to explain to him that while he's obviously had time to mull this over you haven't, you are blindsided and it will take time to process. He shouldn't expect you to be moving on and feeling normal within hours.

From your posts however you seem most upset about the impact on your son, rather than losing your partner and the impact on you.

Was he a good husband?

I am really sorry he has thrown this on you.The sudden announcement with no ‘I think we are struggling how can we fix this?’ Conversation suggests, to me, there is someone else. This could be someone real or an online stranger.

There is a book called The Eight Stages of a Midlife Crisis. It’s got a lot of religious references but if you are not religious ignore those and read the rest. In my opinion she describes it well. It’s boringly predictable. She also explains their behaviour to the point of the ILYBINILWY statement. Then they expect you to do you as normal , despite them dropping a bomb in your life. If there is another person a midlife crisis is no excuse in my opinion. But you need to understand it’s nothing to do with you. Your self esteem must stay intact. You are very important and he may rewrite history attacking you and your memories. That book explains what he is likely to be doing.

He wants to keep things as they are. Yet not be with you. This shows his selfish thinking. He no doubt expects you to be happy for him too! Cook, clean, take care of child. While he goes about his new fancy free life. When you assert boundaries you may find he will get angry and call you controlling. Ask him ‘so we are divorcing, how will this work? Child, homes etc as we will not be living together’. Really watch and note what he says and how he acts. Don’t argue but try and watch him.

So he’s away this weekend and back on Monday? How convenient. I’d be checking the bank statements. Check his phone if you can. People here disagree but I imagine his phone (or a second phone if he’s sneaky) will hold clues and you deserve your truth.

If it doesn’t make sense it’s because part of the story is missing. It’s usually a human shaped part.

For you I recommend ‘love yourself like your life depends on it’ by Ravikant - do the exercises for you and your child. You will come out of this and you will be stronger. You can’t see this now. But you will.

He is being very cruel. He’s probably been planning this for a while so in his mind he has already moved on, whereas he is expecting you to do the same when you’ve only just been dropped this bombshell.
Anyone who can trust you like this and expect you to get over it the next day isn’t worth your tears OP. You have a beautiful son and you and you are going to be ok. Think of how much you have to look forward to with your little boy xx

Not sure it's often. I don't think I've ever actually seen that happen IRL. He doesn't always end up in a relationship with the woman, but seeing someone new has always been the motivation in my experience, even when the charade that it wasn't about that was kept up for several years. The truth always eventually came out.

There is someone else; you will find out in a few months. Take care of yourself. Men don’t normally leave their families unless there is someone else already

I'm so sorry to hear this. Whether there's another woman or not he's dropped this on you and he wants things to move forward so let him.

He can move out and you can get legal advice. He doesn't get to dictate how life is now. You have agency.

It's sickening and odd.
If I had a "crisis" as a PP suggested and wanted to leave, then it would definitely be to live on my own.
I'm naive as far as this thing with men goes, why do they almost always leave for someone else waiting?
If it wasn't disgusting and infuriating enough, do they need another person to just take care of them?
I never thought about this much, didn't need to.
🤢😡

Not always, my ex said the same thing, there wasn't another women etc and I didn't actually believe that especially because of what you read on MN. There wasn't another woman and 4 years later there still isn't and he is still on his own and unhappy. I on the other hand have met the best man in the world.

That's shockingly cold. I'm so sorry you're going through this OP.

Emergency GP appointment to get on antidepressants if you have no support network. You need to distance yourself from this to be able to see the full picture clearly

If he really does feel that way he’s doing you a favour even if it don’t feel that way right now. You and your little one have a wonderful life ahead of you xx

I’m on this road at the moment- told by dh after a particularly bad holiday in July he doesn’t see a future with me. Mn is great for practical but as far as emotional I’ve cried daily up until recently, invested in Nars (amazing concealer) and use cerave eye cream, lie to my kids about allergies to explain. We’ve talked on and off and I’ll be honest I think it’s depression and ml crisis as much as anything- he seems lost but also I don’t think he does feel what he felt for me and it took a while for me to get that but whatever happens don’t talk to him when you’re emotionally in a hole and desperate. You both need to figure this out. Because sadly not being together might be better for you too but you won’t see that yet. Friends, rom com, bawling crying, reading, getting back to the old me with music and film is helping at the mo. Gigantic hugs op xxxx

Agree. Several posters, including myself, have pointed this out upthread, but still it continues.

Can we not just stop the whataboutery and projecting and stick to what’s in front of us ? Having your husband leave you for another woman is entirely different to having them leave because they just don’t love you any more. The gut reaction is different - at least if another woman was involved there would be something tangible to blame. OP hasn’t got that. She’s facing the knowledge that the man she loves, no longer loves her and no longer wants their relationship. That’s enough to be going on with, and any meaningful advice should concentrate on that.

I’m so sorry OP 🩷 My feckless ex DH also swore up and down there was no one else, and while technically he was telling the truth at the time in terms of anything having actually happened, the concept of someone else definitely was there, which transformed into the reality of someone else within six months (a colleague, of course).
I wish you an incredibly happy future without him. I am nearly nine years down the line now and life is transformed, for the better. You will be ok, I promise

This happened to me 15 years ago and it was an earthquake. So much I could say but just now, three things. 1) Your mum will want to be there for you even if she is struggling with things herself. This is a time to lean in to all the support you can find - don't be afraid to tell her. 2) You have had an almighty shock and physically and mentally will need support. Be as kind to yourself as you can and don't be afraid to call the Samaritans day or night (seriously, I did and they helped so much). 3) This is a dark place but there will be light at the other end. He may reconsider but even talking about being 'not in love' when you're the dad of a small child is pretty crappy and selfish. 4) Sorry, but there is very little chance that someone else is not involved. Doing such a massive thing as ending a marriage with a small child in it is very rare otherwise. 5) Considering all of this, and this is one of the things I wish I'd done, solicitors offer free 30-minute trial consultations. Taking advantage of this may sound premature, but it will help you feel you have control, when it feels like he has taken it away. Just don't tell him what you're doing.

Anti- depressants won’t help her see the full picture. She’s not depressed, this is a Iife event. Why would she medicate it ?

"What H wants to happen is he lives here in spare room I live separately from him but everything is normal for DS."

And does he mean for you to cook and clean for him while he's in the spare room?

OP can’t force him to move out of the marital home. She may well have to compromise while they sort things legally.