My husband has left me I'm devastated

[Lemonsandlemonade]

My husband of ten years and in a relationship with for 20 years has decided tonight that he is no longer in love with me and wants to leave me.

All he can say is that he no longer wants to be with me but loves me. He swears and I believe that there is nobody else.

I have no idea of next steps. We have a mortgage.

we have a beautiful three year old together and now I have to tell him that daddy and mummy no longer are together.

my world is broken.

@Lemonsandlemonade

You don't know at this juncture what a suitable firm would charge and what arrangements would be made for the payment of any fees incurred.

At the end of the day, you do own a house.

I would get in touch with a suitable firm tomorrow.

The awful truth is that your husband probably already has.

https://solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

I don't like these kind of posts where it basically suggests that the man will get fed up, he will get lonely, he won't want to live full time with his affair partner etc etc.... he is doomed to misery blah blah ....Someone else posted to stop crying as who wants to come back to a crying mess of a woman 😳
Come on ladies - who wants to be with a man who sees you as a last resort/ well it's better than going to the laundrette ???

It is because of the way he has done it. There is no respect in how this was done and that is the least the OP deserves.

@Rosscameasdoody

"
Believe this. Just because you happen to know someone to whom it happened, doesn’t mean it happens in every case. Do you believe women who leave their husbands always have another man ? Where is the data to base this on ?"

Women have affairs for very different reasons than men. They also leave marriages for very different reasons. The sexes are very different in these respects.

I think it's the callous, cold way he has behaved which has got everyone's Spidey senses tingling. It ties in to the usual well known and oft-quoted "script".

But let's hope the OP is right, she's got enough heartbreak to contend with as it is.

I have known many cases of men leaving relationships without having someone else lined up. As a previous poster points out, it isn't the most common reason for men leaving, let alone being true in every case, despite the fact that so many on Mumsnet seem to think it is. Sadly, you and those like you who insist there must be another man have driven OP away.

OP stated she thought he was depressed or anxious. Who's to say this man is not having MH issues and needs space and time away to think and reflect, and that's its just all coming out in a very defensive way.
It's merely another perspective, and that's all we are sharing from the information that has been told to us.

Excerpt from a recent study, freely available on Google. ‘And what we know is that men rarely leave their wives for the woman with whom they are cheating. The most recent statistics show that only 3 to 5% of married men who have affairs go on to divorce their wife and marry their mistress, and the current divorce rate for second marriages is thought to be around 60%’.

Tbh, in this case, I think getting together when they were very young, coupled with the stress of trying to conceive and then the stress of parenting a young child are far more likely to be the cause.

It’s clear you’ve never been cheated on, especially with your mantra of ‘op knows her dh’. She really, really doesn’t. There’s so many of us on here who would have never believed our own DHs would have an affair. Previously happy, kind and men with integrity have strayed and have changed beyond recognition. Usually if men fall out of love with their wives, there’s been a lead up to it - miserable marriages for a long time, and it doesn’t come as a shock because there have been lots of problems leading up to the announcement. Men who suddenly announce they’ve fallen out of love, and rewrite history of what the marriage has been like, very often it’s due to there being another woman on the scene. It’s not cruel to point out to OP that him having an affair is a possibility. It’s just providing her with all possible scenarios.

My husband left 5 years ago as he fell out of love. Wasn’t cheating. Still single

Oh you poor love. Im so sorry what a heartless comment on his part.

This is the exception, not the rule. The rule is there is always another woman involved in some way or another.

• check WhatsApp/texts
• Check archived messages on WhatsApp
• check Instagram/Facebook search history
• check Instagram/Facebook messages
• check call log
• check emails
• check work chat log

No you’ve quoted the STATS incorrectly.

It is 3-5% of married men WHO LEAVE THEIR relationships post affair marry or commit to the OW long term. This is NOT a statistic for the number of men who leave initially for the OW. Anecdotally I can’t think of a man leaving where there wasn’t someone else waiting, I realise that’s not everyone else’s lived experience. These affair relationships break down for a number of reasons. Mostly because they’re both cheats and can’t trust each other. I’ve also known many to leave and return to their families.

As for ‘reasons’ for leaving it still does not mean that there wasn’t a woman waiting regardless of the excuses given in a survey.

The stat around success of the marriage IF they make it is right.

True.
And men pod along in miserable marriages for years.
Then ...have their head turned .. think I could be happy with someone else (instead of putting the work into their marriage) and so the script begins.
Usually funds rhe grass isn't greener and wants to come home.
All that pain for nothing, if only they'd communicated better and put the work in at home.
And my friends dh didn't go out / see anybody- but he did have a lunch break and the internet......

@Lemonsandlemonade I will keep this short in case you are no longer reading.
This is very unfair on you as your H has probably mentally prepared for dropping this bombshell on you. It’s a shame he didn’t stay for the weekend to allow you to talk to him and get some comfort from this. I am very sorry about your dad, this is a very hard thing. I think you should maybe call the Samaritans and I think most solicitors give you a free half hour consultation.
if you do come back to the thread, I will look up a few places where you can get free legal advice. My Dd is studying law at uni and alot of these students give up their time helping families fill up forms ect ( people that cannot afford legal advice) so I will ask her x

Just says so much about the types of men they are married to or surround themselves with. There’s also usually OnlyFans or AdultWork payments found on their bank statements too.

Fantastic thing for law students to do. I used this service:

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk

You bastard. What did you do? /Mumsnet

I haven’t rewritten anything, that wording is exactly how it appears on the website. And in this case most posters have overlooked the IVF - far more likely to be a contributing factor to the way he feels.

Yep. It’s a brave man who will post on this thread !!

Blimey- not every man who leaves his wife has someone else in mind to go to. I think you lot must be projecting.

He absolutely has.

His wife may not know it. He may not know it. The other woman may not know it. But Mumsnet knows it.

You’re wrong I’m afraid. Men don’t just leave their wives and children without having another woman lined up. But OP will see.

Also sorry but there is a difference between abject misery and being a bit fed up. Kids never come out of divorce unscathed. Selfish beyond belief to leave because you ‘fell out of love’. Grow up and honor your commitments.

"Also sorry but there is a difference between abject misery and being a bit fed up. Kids never come out of divorce unscathed. Selfish beyond belief to leave because you ‘fell out of love’. Grow up and honor your commitments"

^THIS^^