My husband has left me I'm devastated

[Lemonsandlemonade]

My husband of ten years and in a relationship with for 20 years has decided tonight that he is no longer in love with me and wants to leave me.

All he can say is that he no longer wants to be with me but loves me. He swears and I believe that there is nobody else.

I have no idea of next steps. We have a mortgage.

we have a beautiful three year old together and now I have to tell him that daddy and mummy no longer are together.

my world is broken.

And what difference will it make ? OP has been told by the man she loves, that he no longer loves her. Throughout this thread posters have been obsessed with the fact that there is another woman, despite the OP repeatedly saying she’s sure there isn’t. It’s as though people are determined to add another layer of stress to what’s already happening. Whatever the reason, she has to come to terms with the situation. Another woman is just something to blame and hate. The outcome is the same. Why go down that rabbit hole ?

@Rosscameasdoody
I think you are fighting a losing battle.

I don't know why posters still seem to think they are helping her by repeatedly telling her there is another woman.

It's really not what OP needs to hear right now and I think it's a great shame she has felt the need to leave the thread.

He’s certainly been planning it for long enough to get accustomed to it enough not to realise the bombshell it will be for OP. That’s why he’s disappeared to mummy’s for the weekend - so he doesn’t have to see the fallout.

He didn’t say he felt a bit flat, he said he doesn’t love her any more. Women leave for the same reasons, but the difference is that when they post on MN they get support, not harangued about ‘the other man’.

A friend had her husband leave her earlier this year. He too swore, up and down, that there was no one else. and she believed him. Well, its 5 months later and hes already living with her (she found out he was dating this young girl about a month after he left her).

There is someone else. Believe that!

A quick google shows that the number one reason men leave their wives is not for an affair partner - only three to five percent of men leave their wives to be with their affair partners, and the divorce rate for that second time around is 60%. The number one reason men leave their wives is because the wife has been diagnosed with a terminal or debilitating disease. 20%, as against 3% of wives leaving their husbands for the same reason.

@Katbum what a load of rubbish! Men leave their wives for all the same reasons women leave their husbands. One of those reasons is that their head has been turned. But the crux of every single reason is that he just doesn't love her enough to stay.

That's ok. We don't own people. The days of living in abject misery and dragging your kids into conflict and hell because everyone is forcing themselves to stay together are gone. No one should stay in a relationship or marriage when they aren't happy. Ultimately it would been worse for OP if he plodded along pretending. I've been both the "leaver" and the "left". When someone doesn't love you anymore, you know. You feel it. You see it. You drive yourself mad trying to be the best version of yourself. When they stay with you purely out of duty, it is death by a thousand cuts.

Stop demonising him. It's not going to help anyone.

Believe this. Just because you happen to know someone to whom it happened, doesn’t mean it happens in every case. Do you believe women who leave their husbands always have another man ? Where is the data to base this on ?

I knew it was a common reason...I didn't realise it was the most common reason!!!

Quite an eye opener I thought.

I don’t think from the updates, that OP has any intention of doing the ‘pick me’ dance or of trying to win him back. It could very well be the case that her DH is being truthful when he says he just doesn’t love her any more, and he’s not prepared to live a lie. It’s hard to accept is that there is no other woman to blame and hate, and to distract from that devastation, and trying to push the concept that no man ever leaves unless he has somewhere else to go is damaging when she’s already trying to get to grips with the fact that the man she loves doesn’t love her. There is nowhere to go from that, and no way back, and trying to convince her that there’s another woman could easily plant the seed of the ‘pick me’ dance where it never existed before. She has enough to handle.

This book really helped me in the sudden break up of my marriage OP. Stay strong. 💐

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Its-Called-Breakup-Because-Broken-ebook/dp/B002RI9J5A/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?adgrpid=161141512773&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.E9PFycWngkJGXWQgAzUdyMC5yzg89QhO4w_Q1bR2pAIOjB0iLWLh8UZ-oOX0YKHoEFL52cyEwREOKOJ9k0JD2mZF4gZyDoExLkkcxayKE79UIfK9wr6PU0KOH1VFuYAVIgR6ZO4q1DXqAfSkuQe2EyzQEIq-LAVnlP0R_rumKBbooLMSnhjReSP1aPJrovpkoYO6NMORaTt50cMGygnHSw.77AkbGMvTAZbxZNGZYXlaoag2Nh4kt7fy3uemUjLIkk&dib_tag=se&gad_source=1&hvadid=697054390069&hvdev=m&hvexpln=70&hvlocphy=9216627&hvnetw=g&hvocijid=1622971829157811958--&hvqmt=e&hvrand=1622971829157811958&hvtargid=kwd-377970275423&hydadcr=13688_2323620&keywords=a+breakup+because+its+broken&nsdOptOutParam=true&qid=1732214411&sr=8-1

He's definitely got someone else. You need to see a solicitor asap.

Oh I haven’t RTFT.

i guess if lots of us are saying it then then a collective knowledge of likely it is.

No. It’s only representative of the cross section of women posting here.

And round we go again.

@Rosscameasdoody I'm in my 60s. I've never known a man leave a relationship without having someone else lined up.

I am so very sorry this has happened to you. I know you don’t feel like it but you must get your ducks in a row before he returns. Copies of all things dealing with money, bank, pensions, mortgage and bills and have them put in a safe place, maybe at your DM. This must be done for you and your son’s future.
Copy all text messages. Phone round and see what local solicitors seem friendly towards you. Confide in a friend who will give you support.
Look after yourself and don’t forget to eat as you have to be strong for your DS.

OP has left the thread because of the incessant ‘he’s got someone else’. She knows her husband better than randoms on the internet and believes him. Right or wrong, she posted from the point of view of being told that the man she loves no longer loves her. No other woman, no previous suspicious behaviour or expenditure. Just ‘I don’t love you and I don’t want to be with you any more’. None of the advice was based on the devastation those words can cause, or the very different emotional response to realising he would rather be alone than continue the marriage. If it had been, she might still be here, benefiting from that advice. But no, the mantra is because he’s a man, he must be cheating.

@Rosscameasdoody OP is being hugely naive if she doesn't consider the possibility. People are merely proposing the most likely probability as to what has happened. Like I say, I've seen dozens of relationships where the man left, and not a single one did not have someone else.

I hope OP is ok and not left the thread. IMO men are too lazy to leave a relationship unless they have someone else lined up.

The OP has said she’s left the thread. I don’t blame her.

Sounds like the script my ex gave me. He didn't love me anymore, swore there was no-one else. I found out about the other women 6 months later when 1 of them decided to text me, was a massive shock. The thing is my ex couldn't lie he was terrible at it and I could call him out on it all the time but for some reason I believed the no other woman thing.

All I can say is that although it feels terrible now, it really does get better. I'm 100x happier now. Sending lots of love x

The reason he left does matter. He’ll lie. He’ll turn nasty if it doesn’t work out the way he’s planned.
the posters are just trying to prepare the op for the worst case scenario of this situation,
that he has someone else.

Even if he did just fall out of love there’s no way a decent dad/person would leave their wife and children weeks before Christmas. It’s the most exciting part of the year.
he’s feeling pushed to leave.

When a person usually falls out of love with you They are falling in love with someone else don’t trust him I promise you he isn’t telling the whole truth