My husband has left me I'm devastated

[Lemonsandlemonade]

My husband of ten years and in a relationship with for 20 years has decided tonight that he is no longer in love with me and wants to leave me.

All he can say is that he no longer wants to be with me but loves me. He swears and I believe that there is nobody else.

I have no idea of next steps. We have a mortgage.

we have a beautiful three year old together and now I have to tell him that daddy and mummy no longer are together.

my world is broken.

So sorry for you, hope everything works out soon. I agree with plenty of others when they seek legal advice. Would couple counselling be possible or even separate counselling - it sounds like he’d benefit if agreeable.
Good luck, be brave, be strong, your son needs you to be. Eventually things will get better.

Even though you don’t think there’s another woman please please please prepare yourself that it’s really possible there is.

Good luck to you OP. It must be devastating.

Be angry and while you’re at it, do some snooping for the reason. There will be someone that he’s either having an affair with or he is wanting to have one with.

Seriously what difference does it make if there’s someone he’s thinking of having a relationship with? Maybe that’s what made him realise the marriage was over. Don’t we also always say that it’s so cowardly to have an affair - if someone meets someone else they should end the marriage first. It makes not an iota of difference legally if there is another woman. It’s no longer even a ground for divorce - no solicitor will be interested so why even suggest that the OP tortures herself with snooping.

Im not sure why people would find it easier knowing there is another woman. I’d probably find it worse personally. Maybe it’s so that the anger can be directed at her which is quite sexist.

What difference does it make if there's another woman? The outcome is the same. And equally devastating for OP.

Hi OP. Only read your posts so some of this may have been said before. He may or may not have another woman. Contrary to what you’ll read there isn’t always someone else. However, as someone who’s been there, done that and got the T-shirt, it sounds very likely that even if there isn’t anyone specific yet, he is starting to look elsewhere for the ‘greener grass’. For my husband it started online so no difference in time out of house etc. Although he was suddenly ‘working’ much longer hours. What rings alarm bells for me is the timing. Who decides to call a day on their marriage a month before Christmas when they have a three year old? This is the part that makes me feel there may well be someone in the background.
Either way you will find out soon enough. What you should do is focus on you and your needs. Large and small. From a long bath soak to making sure your finances are set up to suit you.
the only advice I’d give you is to not make any major decisions for at least 6 months. Someone gave me that advice and it was invaluable as I was all set to put the house on the market the next day.
You will be fine. You will become stronger. Whatever happens. Script or no script. And none of us know. Just take one hour at a time. Take care of yourself x

I’m sorry the thread has been derailed quite a lot. Take yourself away for a while and concentrate on yourself and your lovely son. You can always come back in days/weeks in the future if you feel more ready to come back and ask for advice. I hope people will be more helpful then, rather than telling you 500 times that there must be an OW 🙈 Sending you a big hug x

This is a wise decision, I think, @Lemonsandlemonade . Sorry (and honestly surprised) that the thread took the turn it did. Please look after yourself and your son.

OP, the most glorious years of parenting are round the corner.
You can do this, in fact, I imagine you will absolutely relish it.
No more moody, snappy partner who, it turns out, would leave you both rather than suggest counselling, or making efforts to save your relationship.
It's hard now but it will be better. So, so, much better.
Give yourself lots of space to breathe and gather yourself.
Don't enter into any debate with him.
Let his midlife crisis/affair/crush burn out, it is not your problem and never will be.
Do not hate yourself or even entertain that idea. Love yourself as much as you can and dive right in to a secure, peaceful life for yourself and your son.

What an awful bombshell he has dropped on you. It’s going to be difficult but don’t let him dictate the terms of the separation. You are allowed to grieve even if it is all done and dusted for him.

Wonderful, kind, caring advice, thank you for sharing

Not always the case. People can have a normal break up

Do all the posters who put all their energy into persuading OP there was another woman feel better now she has left the thread?

What she needed was a emotional solidarity and support and a bit of practical advice on how to take care of her and her kid's interests in the divorce. Which is not what she got.

This is what exactly has happened to me but my wife has left ! I feel your pain !

Years?? Jesus, that's awful. Did they stay together?

Why, oh why, can't people just honour their wedding vows?? It's really not hard. At least, it wasn't for me. My ex-H wasn't able to.

I've not gone to work - H reply the quicker you get back to a normal routine the better for you.

what a d*ck! He’s had weeks of not months to process and make a plan but you just have to get on with it as if your life want turned upside down???

The fact he has told her to get over it suggests he’s been checked out for some time.

OP, you're in deep shock. Focus on trying to keep liquids down, hot sweet tea is good for shock and try to eat something even if a few mouthfuls. Your body will be flooded with adrenaline and in a few days that will crash spectacularly. There's nothing more important now than physically making sure you're OK and tell him to fuck off if he questions what's wrong with you.

There is no rush here, the future can be sorted out when you're in a physical and mental state to deal with it. This isn't all on his terms. I wish you well

Right now the reason doesn't matter

It's the practical 'what next' that does.

I started writing to you at 1.30 when a visitor called unexpectedly. You had just said you told him you couldn't bear to be in the same home.....

Well done. Your instincts are good. How dare he prolong your pain. He has caused this. You must take on none of the shame, please. From now, do not trust him. There is a cold, hard man that looks like your DH sleeping on your sofa, but now you are on different teams. Quietly find out as much as you can. about finances, photograph bank and pension statements etc Say you don't know, you'll have to think about it if he tries to press you into a financial decision.

He will have planned this for ages. Maybe he got a "choose me by Christmas "ultimatum. It happens. Maybe parenting was just too dull for him. Your son's life is not ruined and you will smile again, I promise.
Get a sick note for stress, pretend you're going to work if he insists on staying use that time to research, plan, cry, drink tea and Avoid alcohol! He's allowed to stay if it's his home too. But tell him that you want this as smooth and calm as possible for DC so please give you space.
Most importantly
You cannot afford NOT to get legal advice. It will save you thousands more than it ever cost you and comes out of the marital pot of assets which includes savings debts, pensions, property. He will want money for a fun life, you will need money for your son and also to acknowledge the many years it will be until you could nurture your career. The courts know this. The hit we women take to our pension for working less demanding, flexible jobs and fewer hours.
You may, at 36, be the first of your peers to divorce, yet 1 in 2 marriages fail.
This is not your fault, and you can get through this xxx

Agree. Myself and a few other posters tried to get it stopped but on and on it went and now OP has gone. Advice on how to handle another woman is not helpful when what’s right in front of you now, this minute, is that the man you love has told you he doesn’t love you.

So sorry to hear this @Lemonsandlemonade . Please work on hating him rather than hating yourself.

💐

The last thing OP needs to be focusing on is evidence of another woman. She’s already said dozens of times that she believes him when he says there isn’t. Do you know him better than she does ? It’s not good enough to keep suggesting this just because he’s a man. Plenty of women leave. They don’t get harangued as to whether there’s another man just because they’re a woman. Rather than disappearing down a pointless rabbit hole, she’s better focusing on the next step and how to best look after her own needs and that of her son.

Sorry OP, I would bet my house there’s another woman. Mine also swore no-one else,and I would never have believed, ever, that he would lie to me, or he was the sort of man who would do this. He played along with his story about falling out of love, and then after a period of time he introduced the ‘new’ woman in his life. Only she wasn’t new at all, but had been there for the 12 months before he left. Take care of yourself and be strong. See a solicitor and don’t fall for his BS.

But many of us have been at the other end of ‘the script’ which is being played out in all its glory here. Most of us believed our DH. We would never have thought our DHs were capable of it. Until they were. OP needs to be very aware that it’s a strong possibility, or it will weaken her position if she thinks she can win him back, and instead of getting legal advice, lets him walk all over her while she does the ‘pick me’ dance.