My husband has left me I'm devastated

[Lemonsandlemonade]

My husband of ten years and in a relationship with for 20 years has decided tonight that he is no longer in love with me and wants to leave me.

All he can say is that he no longer wants to be with me but loves me. He swears and I believe that there is nobody else.

I have no idea of next steps. We have a mortgage.

we have a beautiful three year old together and now I have to tell him that daddy and mummy no longer are together.

my world is broken.

The OP has clearly asked that you stop mentioning another woman, so why do you have to continue being so pedantic. Why not just shut up, keep your thoughts to yourself and say something helpful.
Talk about sticking the knife in … so many posters are doing just that, stop being so nasty!

Everyone banging on about there has to be another women. Leave it. There might be but there might not be. If you want to support the OP rather than just enjoy the perceived drama, then accept that she said there isn't and leave it there.

I left my marriage. I left for me, not another man. Is that allowed? Is that believable? Do you believe me?

Just back the fuck off otherwise we can all assume you're here for the drama and not to support @Lemonsandlemonade .

You are lovable.

But he isn't loving.

His behaviour here is really callous and cold.

You need to start building your network of friends and family. Sounds like you've prioritised him.

And in time you need to get angry. Because he's treating you appallingly and with no regard to your history and marriage vows or respect for your wishes.

His phrase "it's a done deal" sends shivers.

Appreciate that everybody is pointing to another women but I e only just noticed that DH is not the biological father of the child in the IVF process.

Surely it's possible that this is the reason and jealousy has got to him?

He wants her to act normally and to get over it quickly so he doesn't have to feel guilty

Yes. In his head, he's got to the point of telling her. I expect he thought that would be very difficult.

Now he's done it, and given her the terrible news, he doesn't want to have to see her devastation.

He's become very cold.

Oh OP, I'm sending you so much love. There's lots of comments about your DH, but right now, you need to focus on you, which I know will seem impossible when your heart hurts in the way it does.

Break things down into 5 minutes and get through the day in tiny chunks.
You've told your mum now, is there anyone else you can tell to get support?
Make sure you're eating something, even if it's just a bowl of soup, so you have the energy to care for your little one.
Make sure you're drinking so you stay hydrated.
Stay warm - have a warm bath, sit under a blanket or watch TV in bed. Shock can make you feel all over the place.

Try and treat yourself the way you'd look after your little boy if he were ill, and use here to talk if it will help. We're strangers but we're cheering you on and many of us have been through similar. You're not alone.

I am going to leave this thread now as it's gotten very confusing and hurts my head .

It sounds incredibly hard for you OP. For your benefit, I hope your anger starts to grow; I hope you find your indignance at his actions and that it gives you strength.

Hard to see it clearly when you are reeling from the pain, but this man is being very cruel and unfair to you. And in doing so, he is being cruel and unfair to your son.

No doubt he's spun himself a full story in his head about his righteouness in this - but his actions betray his true nature as selfish and mean. Not for ending a marriage but for his expectations/demands of you in the aftermath.

It is cruel for both parties to lives in the same house in the weeks following a split. If he has parents he can go to, it's best he go there and give you the space you need.

It is cruel to tell you to get back to a normal routine, so soon after he broke this devastating news.

It is cruel for him not to spend the time and care talking to you and helping you understand and come to terms with what he is saying.

You’ve had a bombshell. Understandably you don’t want to deal with another bombshell that the possibility of another woman represents - but remember if people tell you this, they are trying to prepare you that there may very well be another bombshell to follow, and if you are prepared then it’s far less of a bombshell and you’re better equipped to cope with it.

It’s actually part of the same grenade being lobbed into your marriage, not a different one, unfortunately. So it is wise to be prepared. It’s not unkind and twisting the knife to point it out, it’s people who’ve either been there before you or witnessed it who are preparing the road ahead.

DH’s best friend said he was out of love with his wife and that there was no one else involved. He said this to her and to DH. I didn’t buy it, not for one single nanosecond. ‘Cherchez la femme’, I said, and the two people who knew him best didn’t think it was possible. ‘Nope, cherchez la femme.’

He was married to someone else within a year.

It was The Script. I wouldn’t have said it was possible either, but once I heard, I just knew.

Take care of yourself OP.
Best wishes to you.

OP, I am sorry but there is most likely an affair happening or about to happen.
Be firmly in the knowledge though that you are worth more than this man will ever be. He has shown you how callous and cruel he can be.
You and your child will and can survive without him.
Much love to you.
I have been through something scarily similar.

Oh, you have to have legal advice, or you will be taken to the cleaners. If you don't want to get a lawyer, you can try this: https://amicable.io/about-amicable

But you need advice because you have a son, and you need to be sure to get some child support. Think about it, your husband wants to stay in the house and you live separate lives? Why? Perhaps so he can continue seeing someone else and get his legal advice sorted out. Look at this website and see if you recognise yourself: www.chumplady.com/

I'd also take the day off, and as other posters have said, see a GP...they'll help you through the rough times so you can keep your health. And talk to your mum. You can be a comfort to each other. Good luck, and I am surely sorry for what happened.

100% this. It prepares you for the worst case scenario. Things may end up amicable etc but it's really worth preparing everything in case they don't.

The children will be fine if the adults continue to love them and talk to them and (the really hard bit) try to stay neutral when you're talking about each other. My advice would be to be honest with your kids when you are ready to (in age appropriate terms) so they understand what's happening. Don't allow them to be used as weapons (I'm not saying you would do this). I've seen kids come through divorces fine and secure in their relationship with at least one parent where they have been honest and let them talk through their feelings. And I've seen some really emotionally damaged kids where the adults didn't tell them what was going on and kept them in the dark. They made up scenarios in their heads and blamed themselves which caused no end of problems for them as they got older.

For now you need to look after yourself. Try to eat, if you can't invest in something like Huel to keep the calories going in - not eating is a common reaction but it makes you feel even worse (if that even seems possible). Talk to someone in real life if you can - something like the Samaritans as suggested if there is nobody you know that you feel you can confide in for now.

Sorry OP. I think it’s naive to think he hasn’t found someone else. Men don’t just leave their family because they feel a bit flat. They leave to pursue another relationship.

I hope you don't leave this thread OP.
There is a lot of support to be had from women here.
Surround yourself with people who love and care for you, family friends, colleagues.
Tell them what's going on. There is no need to be embarrassed.
You have done nothing wrong. Make sure you are eating healthy and get some exercise.

Your next steps are important and, as difficult as it may be you will need to sit down and discuss finances, childcare, savings, pension, where you will both live etc with your H.

You WILL get through this, you WILL come out stronger, this is his loss, not yours.

Seconding needing legal advice. Borrow money if you need to and pay it back when the finances have been settled. You will not be able to navigate the legal (and particularly financial) issues without a solicitor no matter how amicable it it - I have been through this. My solicitor was able to refer me to a financial mediation service which was free.

You're aiming hate at the wrong person

How about the one who's dumped this on you just before Christmas?

What exactly are his plans?

If you come back to this thread OP, just wanted to comment that the most useful thing I was told (by my counsellor) was not to rush processing this and figuring out the next steps. I was in a panic and thinking of selling my house and what would happen down the line. Get support (gingerbread the single parent organisation, samaritans, gp, employee helpline from work/union) and do some things on your own (exercise class, or whatever you like) to get space outside of the house/family unit).

“What H wants to happen is he lives here in spare room I live separately from him but everything is normal for DS.”

I did split from my partner (he said similar things to yours, also definitely no other woman) and we did live together but in separate spaces. It was hard, but i got used to it and down the line things may change but it will be gradual.

This is a good response.

Focus on you and your son OP.

None of us (while trying to be helpful) have a clue what is going on in his head.

If you have anyone you know you can talk to, or even the Samaritans, that would be ideal.

Take care of yourself.

Most of us would be horrified if we were told the person we were with at 16 would be our life partner. Very few people are the same person they were at that age and that can cause rifts in a relationship. I have known many childhood sweethearts type relationships to falter and often it is in your late 30s when you realise that you don’t want this for the rest of your life.
I think he’s been callous but once you have fallen out of love with someone it’s hard to change your mind and get that feeling back. He’s probably been unhappy for a long time and has thought it over a lot and doesn’t want to stay married. It’s always harsh on the person who is left. Of course it is. But there’s no way around it. Somehow he had to tell her. What if he said he wasn’t happy, went to counselling and then still said he wanted out? Then people would be angry with him for stringing her along. I’ve had relationships where I just didn’t want to do it anymore - I was deeply unhappy. I didn’t want to “try” or give it another go because I knew I’d never be happy with them.
After all we often tell people on here that you can end a relationship for whatever reason at any time.

Men seem to have the ability to simply, switch off, slice through all the bonds and skip away leaving devastation.

True colours often don't show until pregnancy or early childhood.

It's possible that he can't accept that after all those years of being the centre of your universe, another (male) person has come along and displaced him for your attention.

And unlike you, he additionally has no visceral connection with your son.

You MUST get legal advice. Do not let him tell you what's going to happen, what you're going to do, what the arrangements are, what rights you have. Do not let him tell you 'no need for a solicitor we can arrange it all ourselves.'

You and your child have RIGHTS.

Find a solicitor who will give a free consultation to orientate you.

And any subsequent fees must come from your joint finances.

Remember you co own everything.

Channel your shock and grief to anger and resolve and get a full understanding of the financial situation and assets. His bank statements etc too.

Because he has been thinking about this for a long time and has already been making his plans, leaving you behind and in the dark. Catch up. Overtake him.

I would also warn you to be prepared for someone else on the scene very quickly, despite assurances or appearances.

Tell your line manager. You may need compassionate leave, and might even be able to access legal advice through any employee assistance programme you may have.

All the best to you and your child.

This was me 5 years ago op. Together 20 years, married 10 with a 4 year old.

pleased to report we are all fine and happy and thriving!

Ex didn’t have another woman despite the fanatics on here claiming he did. In fact we’re both still happily single.

Ops husband also isn’t ‘horrible’ for leaving. Everyone is entitled to leave a relationship. Let’s just hope he behaves respectfully and kindly. That you both do.

have a look at sites like Frolo for emotional support for single mums. Many many have been where you are and you will be fine. Promise

You really do need a good lawyer @Lemonsandlemonade

Don't let your husband shaft you by telling you that you can sort out the finances between you.

Don't say anything definitive to your child about Mummy and Daddy. They are too young to understand and it is too early days.

Whatever his reasons, you have to be practical at this point - and you also need to get angry with him for doing this to you and your child. It's a huge help!

Find the best lawyer you can and also put together as much information about finances, pensions etc as possible. Does the amount he earns match what's been moved from the family account recently? He's had time to prepare before dumping this on you, so he may have been siphoning off a personal stash of savings. You need to protect yourself and your child's future, so make sure you know what you're entitled to, your red lines, and what you are prepared to bargain with. By all means enter into a dialogue with him, but the minute you smell a rat about him ripping you off, hand it over to the lawyers. It will be hard, but you can do it.