My husband has left me I'm devastated

[Lemonsandlemonade]

My husband of ten years and in a relationship with for 20 years has decided tonight that he is no longer in love with me and wants to leave me.

All he can say is that he no longer wants to be with me but loves me. He swears and I believe that there is nobody else.

I have no idea of next steps. We have a mortgage.

we have a beautiful three year old together and now I have to tell him that daddy and mummy no longer are together.

my world is broken.

Agree completely with this.

There may be another woman as so many insist, but his desire to keep living together, albeit in separate rooms, suggests there isn't. Contrary to what many on here believe, it is far from true that there is always another woman waiting in the wings.

He may have unrealistic expectations of marriage. Being "in love" in the way you are at the start of a relationship generally only lasts a few years, but you can love each other your whole lives.

He may be depressed. People who are depressed sometimes make life-changing decisions such as leaving their partner, believing that doing so will make them happy again. It generally only works for a short time, if at all.

He may have other mental issues that are leading to this.

Or there may be one of many other reasons.

From some of these, there may be a way back if both parties are willing to work on it, as was the case for @fearfulworrier. From some, there is no way back.

At this stage, you have to assume there is no way back and prepare for the future on that basis. Keep it as amicable as possible for the sake of your son, but be ready for the fact your husband may turn nasty. And remember, this is not your fault.

@Lemonsandlemonade how are you doing?

I've not gone to work - H reply the quicker you get back to a normal routine the better for you.

He said it's all a done deal now and we need to move forward.

I'm so sorry. The trouble is, he's had ages to think this through in his head. You're (in his mind) holding him back.

He wants you to feel emotionally exactly what he's feeling, because it's easier for him.

Be ready for the cruel stranger to take the place of your loving husband.

You won't recognise the man he's suddenly become.

How did you accidentally text your mum and say he's wanting to leave?

Excellent response that you can't live together separately. Stupid idiot needs a reality check.

As for being worried your son might want to know his biology in the future, surely he thought of that beforehand and how does leaving his mum help that? Maybe he's gearing up to walk away from his son too.

We had IVF too. I have known several marriages to break up because of the awful all-encompassing strain of it. I wish we had never done it.

It does terrible things to your self esteem and that can have a toxic knock on effect on your relationship.

You have your lovely son though.

And yes, he has had ages to think about it so in his head it's a done deal. Men are utterly stupid in that regard - they can't understand why exactly the same can't be true of the poor wife they have just dropped the bombshell on.

I know it doesn’t seem possible now , but if he’s behaviour has been off for a long time the fact that that will have on your three year-old in their later life is huge. I stupidly stayed with my partner and it completely screwed up my child. The atmosphere in the house was awful I didn’t realise how bad it was till I finally kicked him out..
and yes of course looking back the changie in his behaviour was when he started to see another woman. I’ll be looking on his phone if I were you get your financial ducks in a row check your bank account be wise good luck okay you’ll be alright in the end better off with just you and your child not a miserable man that doesn’t want to be with you and you and better a happy life apart it takes time but it will come

OP be prepared for the abandonment of your son, too.

Mine swore that the DC were his world, but he quickly forgot about them.

Please take care of yourself OP. The shock (and it must be a massive shock) will subside and you will be able to think more clearly soon.
Like quite a few other posters, I think the key issue here may be his infertility. He may have a degree of depression around this and at using a sperm donor, despite likely saying different and reassuring you. He may feel conflicting things about having a child that may be causing him a lot of issues but he has kept buttoned up about it.
But your main focus should of course be on yourself and your son. You are much stronger than you think you are.

The reasons for counselling for the OP would likely look very different from his though. She said the marriage had had its ups and downs so she would be looking to save the relationship, while he would likely be using it to facilitate it as a way out. I suppose hindsight is 20/20 but all in all this has been one of the most backward looking threads l’ve seen.

Jesus OP , stop hating yourself.

He is the one who have behaved despicably. Saying, ' I no longer want to be in a relationship, but I'm just going to carry on living with you, thanks' is appalling. If he no longer wants to be with you, he needs to follow through and find somewhere else to live.

It is possible to do a DIY divorce without much cost OP, but you would need to make sure that you were not ripped off in it - caution - I know three women who have done this and all got much less than they would of going through the courts.

You are not responsible for any of this OP.

You do need to take responsibility to come out of this as best you can for yourself and your son.

I wasn't one of the people who previously stated there must be another woman, I was just answering your question. I really don't think people are saying it to be malicious, they are trying to give the OP a heads up on something that is likely playing a part in what is going on since she already feels blindsided.

Personally, I would agree with them. She is getting 'the scrpit'.

The truth is, OP cannot be certain there isn't another woman or man as she's already confirmed that he isn't a prisoner and actually leaves the house regularly.

He did not suggest they 'stay together for their child'. He made two suggestions, one had him in the spare room (not sure how long he wanted that to last) and I believe the other was to go stay with his mum? (I may have misread that part, apologies if so). Both of those situations would give him the privacy required to continue pursuing a situation that was still in early days territory.
His comment towards her about the sooner she gets back to acting normal the sooner she will feel better about it all is shockingly cold for the length of their relationship, the fact he appears to have no emotional upset himself about the end of the marriage is itself a reason to think he is either being comforted elsewhere or at the very least distracted by something he finds more exciting or interesting.
All of this after he hasn't actually given the OP (as far as we know) a single solid reason that he is ending the marriage, he has given no clue as to what is preventing him from being happy in his current situation and appears to have walked away from the marriage without a backwards glance, not even a suggestion of therapy?

I don't think the OP should waste much time trying to confirm it, but I do think she should accept the possibility that this is the reason instead of blindly believing his words and wondering if there is something wrong with her and she's unlovable or didn't do everything she could to make her family work.

I think at the end of it all, the emotions are still the same, the person she has loved and trusted for a long time is choosing of his own free will to break that bond and seperate the family for his own benefit.

I agree with you in the longer term her DH and OP need to work together amicably for the sake of co-parenting their child.

But in the immediate situation I think that OP has every right to be angry and that anger would be cathartic for her.

However. Nobody has the right to tell OP how she should be feeling.

I would hope that whatever she is feeling she isn't using her DH's bombshell to feel bad about herself. Because whatever the cause of her DH's breaking up the marriage in this abrupt way he is totally in the wrong for not talking to her prior to telling her the marriage is over. For not giving them chance to discuss and possibly work through issues.

Oh FFS!! Read the OP and updates - and maybe the rest of the thread. Do you really think it’s useful to send OP down that rabbit hole instead of dealing with the reality right in front of her ?

Thanks for this. I have never seen it put like this before and it makes so much sense. It describes my exH absolutely perfectly.

However, I mean this kindly, there is ALWAYS another woman. Men don't just leave.

I'm glad people are saying that this just isn't true.

I didn't say he was a swine for taking his child to nursery. And he can still look after his child while at the grandparents.

OP said she wouldn't be able to cope with him staying there whilethey aren't in a couple. That doesn't change he still a Dad, lots of separated parents already do that.

And I disagree people would be telling her to get her 'ducks in a row'if he told her he was unhappy 6 months ago but wanted to try see if they could have resolved things, I certainly wouldn't have said to LTB. It may not have worked, but it would show respect for their family life and a willingness to work through their issues as a couple.

Now it's too late because he decided to live a lie and not involve his wife in his feelings or plans.

God, i feel for you. Completely devastating when it happened to me. He swore blind that there was noone else. Obviously turned out there was, but tbh, it isn't the point really.
He will probably rewrite history to some extent.
Its not fair and it's awful, but there's nothing you could have done. I hope you have some support in real life. Xx

OP please take care of yourself and do not blame yourself.

However, as many have already said, please be aware your DH is no longer on your team and he has been thinking about this a long time.

In my small circle of friends I have known men who leave who:
-plan by hiding money
-even after moving out have the router details and read wife's emails (including to solicitors)
-almost all try to blame if on the wife
-one claimed to have mental health problems so wife ran herself ragged trying to help him (yes it was another woman)
-try to make the wife leave the shared home

Your DH may do none of those things but they are all really common, it is always better to act now to protect your future and that of your child.

His comment towards her about the sooner she gets back to acting normal the sooner she will feel better about it all is shockingly cold for the length of their relationship, the fact he appears to have no emotional upset himself about the end of the marriage is itself a reason to think he is either being comforted elsewhere or at the very least distracted by something he finds more exciting or interesting.

This is simplistic IMO. He wants her to act normal and to get over it quickly so he doesn't have to feel guilty.

I am so sorry, guessing you are feeling shocked, numb and blindsided. Sadly I think there will be another woman, this tends to be what gives them the impetus to leave. They may be miserable or discontented a relationship but only go when there is someone to go to and it all feels shiny and new, away from the daily drudgery of ordinary life. But my theories are not helping you. All I can say is this will be awful, but you will survive and get through it and come out the other side.

Op I don’t mean to pile on…but…if he loves you (but isn’t in love with you) and he loves the child - then there isn’t a good enough reason for him to leave. Which is why people are suggesting he’s had his head turned.

Oh. we believe that the OP believes this. Who we don´t believe is the OP´s husband. He would be unusual. Very.

It’s such early days OP and it’s only natural that you’re feeling devastated. Please ignore the posts about another woman, there are so many women on here who apparently think they know everything, and think that they have the right to say it, even though you’ve asked them not to.
You do need support, and thankfully you will get a lot of sensible help on here, do you have a friend or relative that you can turn to, it would help you so much to have someone to lean on.

But you don’t know him to believe him? This is such such weird behaviour. People are so desperate for all men to be pigs because it happened to them and it simply isn’t always the case. A majority yes but not all.

The OP is obviously aware it’s a possibility, just leave it at that

Also you sound so patronising towards the OP. Oh poor old naive OP, it’s really bloody mean.