My only child hates her life

[Itsallmessedup]

I am really struggling with how much I've messed up as a mother. My fourteen year old is an only child and I am a single parent. I work two jobs and am struggling with anxiety and probably depression too, which I try to get on with as well as I can and be positive, keep a nice house and do fun things.

But I find it so hard when my daughter tells me every week how much I've failed. That we are not a real family just the two of us and how lonely she is. That she wishes she was born in to a different family. And I understand her.

I left her abusive father because I wanted to protect her and give her a safe loving home but of course it's hard and I have to work a lot in order to give her what her friends have - activities, a decent place to live, clothes etc. I never wanted her to feel she missed out.

I always hoped to meet someone new and have more children but it never happened. I've tried to make peace with that even though it is a big sorrow for me. I hide how upset it makes me when she brings this up again and again, asking why I did this to her and why she doesn't get to have siblings and a whole family like every one else.

My biggest dream in life was to be a good mother and I've failed at that. I always thought we'd be ok just the two us. When she was younger I felt like we had quite a good little life had fun together and now she just seems to hate me and tells me she hates her life. I know that she is a child/teenager and her feelings are totally valid, I try to listen without judgement and console her, I want her to be able to talk to me about her feelings. But when you are already feeling so down, it's just hard having everything that you are trying to stay positive about thrown back at you, all your worst thoughts about yourself confirmed.

How do other struggling/depressed parents cope with having teenagers who say hurtful things? Will my daughter ever get over being an only child to a single parent and be ok in the future? Please be kind, I'm really struggling. I love my daughter very much, I have only ever wanted the best for her.

What is it she is struggling with? I bought my daughter up alone, I did make the effort with friends so we went on lots of holidays with either just the two of us or with groups.

Mixture of camping, holiday camps and overseas (overseas just us two) my daughter said she had the best of both worlds.

Its hard to see the Christmas adverts of large families pulling crackers, around the tree etc, it is def worse this time of year.

You are not the worse mother, she will appreciate it in time, tricky age just now.

You haven't failed at all. You're just going through a bad patch.

Is it possible to work a bit less? You'll be able to give her less stuff, but more of you. Have you asked her, other than a larger family, what she thinks would improve her life?

I'm a single parent to a teenage girl and the demands are so different to when she was younger. Now I find she needs more emotional than physical support, so I need to be available for her to talk about all sorts on the drive home after school or (quite frequently) when it's bedtime 🤷🏾‍♀️.

I hope you're getting some help with your mental health as well. You need to be well for yourself and for her. You can't pour from an empty cup. Do you have any support from friends or extended family?

There is no way I would listen to this self indulgent bleating from a child. How dare she. Shes rude and unkind and you’re not doing her any favours allowing her to act like this. Tell her to pack it in and stop playing the victim. There are hundreds of thousands of single parents as she well knows.

You must not let her talk to you like this. There doesn’t seem to be any consequences for this behaviour. Her attitude is appalling and I don’t know why you are pretending it doesn’t hurt you when it does. Being supportive does not mean allowing a child to run you down regular.

It's hard but do not judge your worth as a parent through your 14 year olds eyes.
You have raised her on your own. You have protected her from a life luckily she never saw. She has a roof over her head and food on the table.
She has the rest of her life to get all the stuff she thinks she wants and needs.
One day she will have a better context to view her childhood. 14 isn't it

I left her abusive father because I wanted to protect her and give her a safe loving home but of course it's hard and I have to work a lot in order to give her what her friends have - activities, a decent place to live, clothes etc. I never wanted her to feel she missed out.

You should be very proud of yourself for protecting your daughter and working hard so she doesn't want for anything. I think it's time to explain this to her and say you are doing your best and don't want to keep being criticised all the time. I wish my dad had protected me from my abusive mother!
Stop feeling guilty and being down on yourself and start feeling proud of yourself and knowing your worth. No one's stopping your dd having her own big family in future

She is a 14 year old - moaning is their job!

LooK, it’s just awful being fourteen. Probably worse these days with so much more imagery coming from social media showing a perfect glittering life with ideal relationships. Lots of the “happy big families” will be beset by the sort of issues aired on here all the time - grandparents or parents favouring one child, siblings constantly arguing and breaking each other’s stuff, family members trying to dominate, being horribly bigoted, etc etc etc.

I think it’s a hard time because of the feeling of not fitting anywhere- school friendships are often outgrown at this age, and a fourteen year old may lack opportunities to meet others and engage in meaningful activities- are there any activities, hobbies, sports, or similar she could be encouraged to get involved with?

For me at a similar age, joining YCND was a life saver - it helped me to do something about an issue I wanted to protest about, and I met people I never would have otherwise. It broadened my world.

Have a proper conversation with her, what are her priorities?
Does she want the things her friends do or would she rather more time with you?
Do you have any activity you enjoy doing together? -DD and I enjoy going to the theatre and a meal out together which can be as cheap or expensive as you make it.
Is she left at home alone alot?

You are the parent here, and like most parents you have and will continue to do your best for your child.
And I would ask you to think about the words PARENT and CHILD.
You need to establish boundaries.. do not accept the judgement of a 14 year old who has no life experience, who relies on you for every mouthful of food, every stitch on her back and the roof over her head.
No child of mine would ever say these things to me because I am their Mother and they are my Children and they know better!
Make it clear that once she is supporting herself financially, and lives independently she can have an opinion.
That time is way down the line.
Fourteen year olds can be little know-it-alls... enlighten her.

You sound like a great Mum, she just needs some gentle discipline.

@Itsallmessedup teenagers are notoriously self-centred and will feel life is unfair no matter the circumstances. I would tell her the truth, that you made choices to keep her safe, that you are sad you never got to have more children and haven’t got a partner, that you work hard to give her a good life and it hurts you that she is so unkind to you. Life doesn’t always pan out how we hoped but she is very lucky to have a mum who loves her, a home and a stable life, that’s worth so much.

ask her what she expects to happen as a result of her whining? You can’t go back in time, you can’t suddenly produce siblings so what is she actually asking for? She needs a reality check and to learn to be grateful for what she has in life, otherwise she will grow up being dissatisfied with everything as life rarely goes to plan.

Let her know that you love her, that she is secure but her attitude will not be tolerated as it’s extremely unfair to you and is no doubt making your anxiety worse.

Teenage girls can be awful. I was awful to my mum.

She is old enough for a few home truths.

Have you tried sitting down with her, quietly when she's not in a hormonal rage, and saying this bit out loud?

An alternative is to ask a trusted friend to do it.

"I left her abusive father because I wanted to protect her and give her a safe loving home but of course it's hard and I have to work a lot in order to give her what her friends have - activities, a decent place to live, clothes etc. I never wanted her to feel she missed out.

I always hoped to meet someone new and have more children but it never happened. I've tried to make peace with that even though it is a big sorrow for me. I hide how upset it makes me when she brings this up again and again, asking why I did this to her and why she doesn't get to have siblings and a whole family like every one else."

And yes: please absorb this message. She doesn't know what she's talking about, she's a child. She will probably actively apologise for this when she's in her 30s

Oh god i had a horribly annoying sibling and didn't see eye to eye with my dad - I'm sure you really couldn't win on this one! What she's dreaming of isn't realistic - not for the vast majority of people anyway. There's every chance she would have fought like cat and dog with her sibling and would have considered her dad too mean and controlling for not letting her do whatever she liked!

You need to not take this personally. She's at a difficult age when everything feels wrong. Think of some annoying kid that would drive her mad and remind her that it's perfectly possible she'd have had a sibling like them.

I desperately wanted the sibling of my dreams, even with a sibling - the real life one was very far away from what i wanted! Give her as much time and love as you can as that is probably what she is actually craving.

She’s 14. I remember 14, it was a horrible age to be. Many 14 year olds hate their life, or think they do. Even the ones with literally everything they could possibly want. The ones with siblings hate their siblings at least half the time. Lots of friendship dramas and discomfort around that age too.

It’s hormones. It’s like having permanent PMT at that age.

I’m not saying don’t listen to her or dismiss her concerns. But take them with a pinch of salt. And do NOT blame yourself. You’ve done brilliantly.

Second this. 14 yr olds always hate you. They come around.

Isn't it normal for teenagers to be insensitive, ungrateful bellends?

You did the right thing by leaving an abusive partner. That is in no way failing.

My 14 year old just shouted at me that I'm useless because I didn't get out the kitchen at the exact moment she wanted me to.
I gave her a sharp telling off but that won't stop her being a little cow again.
She is lovely at other points but jesus if I didn't tell her firmly to not be so rude, (or actually more effectively just roll my eyes and ignore her) I would feel like the worst parent.
Luckily she's number four and I have been there with the other three already and they are now pretty much out the other side and generally speaking loving, kind souls.

It's no reflection on you as a mother. We have a standard 2.4 style family and apparently I'm a shit parent as well
But don't tolerate it and don't bow down to it.
Just ignore an eye roll to yourself. It will pass!

Awww OP

I am an Only .
It manifests in various ways, the wish for a sibling, and sadly your DDs has manifested in anger and/or depression.
With Me, looking back, I used to visit friends houses for weekends or overnights and I think it was because they all had siblings. Perhaps I was seeking out something ? Who knows.
I was happy in our little unit of 3 but do, to this day, wonder how my life would have been had I a sibling or two.

Mum lost two babies and then had a hysterectomy at 34 so that was that.

Sit and talk to Her and explain how YOU feel also . I do hope you work things out.

She sounds like she’s being a bit of a twat to you tbh. Finding the biggest stick and hitting you with it multiple times is not ok.

14 years old is not a great age tbh I remember being miserable.

You've done an amazing job so don't put yourself down.

At 14 she is old enough to be arranging things with friends to keep herself occupied socially, she is moaning about not having siblings but a lot of teenagers with siblings don't get on or spend much time with them having fun. At 14 I'd see friends a lot.

What does she do on the weekends? I feel she's imagining this big happy family that in reality doesn't really exist, even when there are two parents and siblings.

You have worked your arse off to provide everything for her, and I think you wouldn't be unreasonable to remind her of that when she's making these cruel comments.

It's not just about another parent or siblings though. I don't hear any mention of grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, family friends etc... a teenager who has nobody but her mother, who works two jobs so us not around much, is going to be very lonely.

You can't just ignore or dismiss that and blithely say teenagers moan, tell her to shut up. Calling her a twat and a spoiled beat is appalling.

She's a teenager and teenagers can be arseholes and say hurtful things. A child tends to know their parent's weak points and insecurities too, so she knows which words to say to hurt you. Try not to take it personally and see her as a young person with a brain that is still making connections and that, in time, hopefully she will come out of the other end of this phase as a fully formed human being who is kinder.

It doesn't help that you're already feeling vulnerable and down, but I would just tell her that you are doing and have always done your best to give her a safe home and nice things, that one day you hope she understands and recognises that, and in the meantime you'd appreciate it if she kept a civil tongue in her head. I would tell her that her words hurt you and aren't kind. It's really important to teach DC self-awareness, for them to understand that words can really hurt and that before saying something mean it's a good idea to try to and think how those words will be received and what life is like for the other person.

Aw OP Im really sorry that's really tough I think in time with age your daughter will see how much you have sacrificed for her working 2 jobs is no joke and trying to raise a child . I'm an only child to a single mother and it's only now I have had my own DD that I fully realise how hard it must of been in her .