My only child hates her life

[Itsallmessedup]

I am really struggling with how much I've messed up as a mother. My fourteen year old is an only child and I am a single parent. I work two jobs and am struggling with anxiety and probably depression too, which I try to get on with as well as I can and be positive, keep a nice house and do fun things.

But I find it so hard when my daughter tells me every week how much I've failed. That we are not a real family just the two of us and how lonely she is. That she wishes she was born in to a different family. And I understand her.

I left her abusive father because I wanted to protect her and give her a safe loving home but of course it's hard and I have to work a lot in order to give her what her friends have - activities, a decent place to live, clothes etc. I never wanted her to feel she missed out.

I always hoped to meet someone new and have more children but it never happened. I've tried to make peace with that even though it is a big sorrow for me. I hide how upset it makes me when she brings this up again and again, asking why I did this to her and why she doesn't get to have siblings and a whole family like every one else.

My biggest dream in life was to be a good mother and I've failed at that. I always thought we'd be ok just the two us. When she was younger I felt like we had quite a good little life had fun together and now she just seems to hate me and tells me she hates her life. I know that she is a child/teenager and her feelings are totally valid, I try to listen without judgement and console her, I want her to be able to talk to me about her feelings. But when you are already feeling so down, it's just hard having everything that you are trying to stay positive about thrown back at you, all your worst thoughts about yourself confirmed.

How do other struggling/depressed parents cope with having teenagers who say hurtful things? Will my daughter ever get over being an only child to a single parent and be ok in the future? Please be kind, I'm really struggling. I love my daughter very much, I have only ever wanted the best for her.

You'd show her this thread? You sound like an abusive nightmare.

The OP has an unhappy lonely teenager. You'd show her messages from a bunch of vicious harpies calling her a twat,a little madam, and worse?

Every last one of you in this thread is assuming she just an out of order horrendous teen, not one of you as considered for a minute that she .might actually have something to be unhappy about. You are all terrible parents.
Unlike the OP, who is not.

I agree with PP’s that 13-15 is a very difficult phase. I was horrible at that age and so were my two. Be reassured that it gets better, mine are completely different at 19 and 16.

Sometimes being aware of other people’s genuinely dire situations helps to give us some perspective. Perhaps turn on the news tonight and talk about what’s happening in the world- I’m reading about the latest attacks on Ukraine and it really puts everything on perspective.

I agree with this. She’s old enough to understand that you are working very hard to provide for her and that her words are upsetting you. There’s a balance between being emotionally supportive and taking that level of moaning the whole time.

I only skimmed so didnt read anyone calling her a twat 😳

🤣🤣 I'm far from an abusive parent I'm an excellent advocate for my children and their needs thanks 😅... my dd is autistic and I spend a lot of time understanding and deciphering her thoughts and feelings and translating her way of thinking for NT people. And I'd still be really annoyed if she started saying I'd failed her for the things OPs daughter is saying

From what the OP has said, the dd doesnt have anything to complain about? She says her mum failed her by not having more children ect and blames her mum for her being lonely? How unkind of her.

If the OP had come on here saying shed had more kids and a new partner I bet lots of posters would be saying her DD was behaving that way because the OP had a new partner /family and the DD was feeling left out.

Shes a hormonal teenager being nasty and unkind and she does need telling shes rude

She does have things to be unhappy about, but some of the things seem misplaced and certainly misdirected, and she needs a gentle steer not to be taking it out on her mum this way.

I don't think missing out on siblings is a terrible thing, as an only child myself.
That her dad was abusive and they had to leave was a terrible thing that he did to her, not her mum.

I think maybe she needs some support and to refocus on the positives in her life and on building friendships etc. And I think OP needs some support too as she sounds very down.

OP, if it's any comfort, I was the only child of a single parent, and I've nothing but admiration for her as an adult.

I agree that you've done a great job OP and need to find a way to protect yourself from internalising your daughter's feelings about being in a small family while continuing to understand and support her. Lots of pp have given good advice on both.

A slightly different thought that I had - and I appreciate this could sound a bit simplistic - is whether getting a pet might help her feel better? A 'proper' pet like a dog or cat (vs. a gerbil or whatever) would give her something/someone more to love, would provide more companionship and affection, and could make your little family feel a bit bigger. I recall as a sulky teen that I always felt my cat understood me when no one else did!

I don't mean to trivialise the bigger things you've raised and that are already being discussed on the thread, but thought I'd throw it in as another idea that might appeal to you.

Exactly.
If my generation tried this at our proper failures of "parents", we would likely be removed from our homes.

Op she is 14
and if it was not this - it would be something else.

It sounds like you have done a wonderful job with her, and one day it will be much easier. 💐

I agree @Artistbythewater My two have complained because they don’t have any cousins (our siblings are childfree) and they’re the only young people at family gatherings. Not much we can do about that!

Teenagers will find something to complain about!

I'll admit I only read the original post but I sorta get where she's coming from in a small way.

I'm 49 this year and I'm jealous slightly of my work colleagues. One is a twin and has a brother. One has 4 sisters and 2 brothers. One has 2 brothers. Most of these siblings have their own families and those families have children.

I am auntie to no one. I have no nieces or nephews. I have a selfish younger brother who has no family of his own. I choose not to speak to him. He doesn't even text me or my daughter or my hubby or his OWN mother Happy Birthday, etc.

It makes quite sad hearing about their families at Christmas especially.

But doesn't that just illustrate there's no telling whether having a sibling or siblings will actually create the idealised big family situation? You have a brother who you're estranged from.

Lots of people don't get along with their siblings and it's far from idyllic.

You've got to make the best of what you've got, not repine over what you don't have and that might not even have turned out the way you imagine.

She's 14 tell her if she's not got nothing nice to say then don't say anything and then walk away from her.

She sounds ungrateful and entitled. We all are what we are, and she should be grateful for all that she does have. I get she can't put in the words exactly what it is she dies want that you haven't provided. Ask her.

Why doesn't she be more proactive. There's nothing stopping her getting a job soon and having her own money. I did babysitting and waitressing at 14. She can work hard, get top A'levels, go to a top uni, and earn a packet. All the local schools here offer support to all students to get Oxbridge, any RG uni they want.

Agree with this. You sound like a brilliant mum who did exactly the right thing for her child. You have not failed at all. Fourteen can be a horrid age though and I bet when she's older, particularly when she's left home, she'll appreciate all you have done for her. My own kids realised I wasn't that bad once they'd left for university

OP,
Your DD14 being miserable and hating her life is not all about you as a mother. It’s not a judgement of you either. The only way you are failing is by linking her happiness to your worth as a mother. This puts unbelievable pressure on teenagers when mothers see their child’s misery only as a reflection of their mothering and not as something the child is struggling against independently.

De-couple it. Reset your thinking.

You suffer from depression and anxiety. Studies have shown much of this is due genetics. Similar to how alcoholism/addiction has a large genetic predisposition.
As you know, life can be enviable and people can still get so depressed and anxious they become suicudal/agoraphobic. Your DD’s life sounds pretty good to me in terms of a loving and secure home.

Yes, most 14yr olds moan and lash out and generally grump around. I trust you in that she is a bit grumpier and angrier than the average teen. Although other parents rarely admit the full extent of their frustration over teen behaviours to other parents. (Unless it is an anonymous forum like this).

But you need to consider, does your DD have depression and anxiety too? Instead of consoling and invalidating her feelings as a defensive response, consider listening and validating her feelings and advising her on how to cope with them as you suffer from depression and anxiety too. The feelings happen even if they seem illogical and irrational. Instead of questioning the reality of her home/school life, perhaps view her as a younger you struggling with the same mental health challenges. I’d would also talk to pastoral care at school, take her to the GP or book a private counsellor.

I have 3 children and they constantly go on about how they wish they were only children, hate that they have siblings..
You can never win.
Sounds like she is being a blamer... blaming others (you) for her perceived life let downs.
Be proud of yourself and what you have achieved and how you have protected her leaving a DV relationship. And maybe look at some volunteering opportunities to take your daughter too.and she may realise her life isn't that bad.

It's not just about another parent or siblings though. I don't hear any mention of grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, family friends etc... a teenager who has nobody but her mother, who works two jobs so us not around much, is going to be very lonely.

This. Are there any other relatives in the picture, OP? It's not your fault and you've done and are doing your absolute best, but it does sound a little bit lonely tbh.

I would ask her why she is feeling lonely atm and discuss whether there is anything you can do to help improve the situation for her. Is she getting on with her friends? In the absence of wider family relationships, her peer relationships are presumably more important for her.

Most of us crave meaningful human connections with others who care about us. Family is one of the ways in which those connections are provided. And it is ready-made, to an extent, unlike connections with friends and acquaintances which are more conditional and where you have to put the effort in.

It's difficult for you, because your family is what it is. You can't simply conjure up 6 siblings and a host of aunts, uncles and cousins out of the woodwork if they're not there already. And they'd probably bring a host of their own problems with them, even if you could, but of course your DD won't appreciate that. She'll just see other friends going home to a house with lights on full of people while she presumably comes home by herself quite often. And that's fine - lots of kids do - but if she's feeling vulnerable it might be a sore point for her just now.

Do you have any close friends who could take an interest in her and maybe take her out shopping or for a meal? One of my friends who was an only had several unofficial 'godparents' who were close friends of her mother (also a single mother) who the mother had asked if they could be in her DC's life as it was only her, and that seemed to work quite well - my friend still sees them regularly in adulthood.

Just a little story that shows that what teenagers say should not always be taken too seriously. My friend had an only daughter and was a single parent. The daughter nagged and nagged for a sibling, said her life was rubbish, wanted to be like other families blah blah blah. So. mum (now in her late 40s) adopted a baby boy. Teenager took absolutely no interest in him and is now in her twenties living her own life and mum is stuck doing the school run with a 9 year old with many years of hard parenting ahead. She doesn't admit it but l know she regrets listening to her daughter.

Coming at this from a different angle, is she more fearful about not having any family other than you? Is there extended family in the picture or is it just the two of you?

In any case this doesn't make you a failure, you can't choose your family. At 14 the grass is always greener and they don't appreciate how much effort goes into adulthood until they are adults themselves. I agree with PP, there's a balance between not taking any abusive behaviour from her but not being completely dismissive of how she feels either.

Teenagers can be arseholes

I have a 17 year old that bitched and moaned and cried that she is hungry and we never feed her properly and she’s sick of it last week. ( I too questioned my parenting- who wouldn’t when a child’s crying they are hungry?)

the story behind this ? She gets £10 per week for her college dinner money (only three days) there is also plenty of pack lunch bits in the house if she wants to supplement it . However, she blew the £10 on the first day in McDonald’s , and I wouldn’t give her anymore . ( she could take sandwiches, fruit , crisps ect)

it was a long fucking week let me tell you .

her parting shot was - I will never be this cruel to my kids , I’m going to make a parenting guide for you so you can see everything you do wrong

I’ll be sure to share the book when it’s completed. I’m sure it will be enlightening!

they are master manipulators- my advice would be to talk to a friend that can help you make light of it , she will move on to her next drama shortly.

I would listen to her when she says she is lonely but interrupt if she starts to criticise you, Tell her very clearly that not all bigger families are perfect and cosy and that she is way better off in a small family unit than she would have been if you had stayed with a man who would have subjected you both to horrific abuse.

Suggest she starts counting her blessings: a hard working mum who loves her, a welcoming home. But also ask her in a friendly way what sort of realistic changes the two of you could make. Would she like to invite friends to sleep over more often at weekends, so she has company? Or for pizza and film nights? Could you invite other single parent friends over for Sunday lunches - or meet up with them for lunch in a cafe together and then hang out together, so she gets a feel of an extended family?

All too true 🙁 It's another example of how we're never happy with what we have or don't have.

My 13 year old told me last week l am a bad mum because l wouldn't pick her up from a sleepover - would have taken me longer to drive there than o
It took her to walk home which is less than a quarter of a mile plus her friend who loves 3 doors away had also gone on the sleepover and was walkong home with her.
Teenagers are very woe is me op and ypur daughter is lucky to have you xx

No-one employs 14 year olds anymore. Not even to babysit.
Even at 16 it's tricky to get employment. 18 is the new starter age for most jobs.

Crazy if you ask me. Me and all my friends had part time jobs from 14. It made us who we are.

Aww so tough - also a single parent to an only child who has at times mentioned wanting siblings and parents in same house. I do think there is something in gently pointing out you have been over this and you understand she would have preferred that but the current situation is the one you have and you need to look for the positives or at least not go over and over negatives. Is she happy in other areas of her life? Friends? Interests? Maybe they are the things to focus on. She is getting older now and I think making it clear going round and round isn’t helping either of you is ok

in terms of you depression is so tough, are you getting treatment? Do you get breaks from being a parent to do something you enjoy? That might help you and DD.

You don’t sound like a failure to me, more like a caring parent doing their best. Chin up!!