My only child hates her life

[Itsallmessedup]

I am really struggling with how much I've messed up as a mother. My fourteen year old is an only child and I am a single parent. I work two jobs and am struggling with anxiety and probably depression too, which I try to get on with as well as I can and be positive, keep a nice house and do fun things.

But I find it so hard when my daughter tells me every week how much I've failed. That we are not a real family just the two of us and how lonely she is. That she wishes she was born in to a different family. And I understand her.

I left her abusive father because I wanted to protect her and give her a safe loving home but of course it's hard and I have to work a lot in order to give her what her friends have - activities, a decent place to live, clothes etc. I never wanted her to feel she missed out.

I always hoped to meet someone new and have more children but it never happened. I've tried to make peace with that even though it is a big sorrow for me. I hide how upset it makes me when she brings this up again and again, asking why I did this to her and why she doesn't get to have siblings and a whole family like every one else.

My biggest dream in life was to be a good mother and I've failed at that. I always thought we'd be ok just the two us. When she was younger I felt like we had quite a good little life had fun together and now she just seems to hate me and tells me she hates her life. I know that she is a child/teenager and her feelings are totally valid, I try to listen without judgement and console her, I want her to be able to talk to me about her feelings. But when you are already feeling so down, it's just hard having everything that you are trying to stay positive about thrown back at you, all your worst thoughts about yourself confirmed.

How do other struggling/depressed parents cope with having teenagers who say hurtful things? Will my daughter ever get over being an only child to a single parent and be ok in the future? Please be kind, I'm really struggling. I love my daughter very much, I have only ever wanted the best for her.

Agree with PPs that 14 is one of the worst ages - I was often very ungrateful/rude to my mum at age 14/15. And did not get on with my sibling at all.

My friend's 14 year old recently told her she had ruined her life - her crime? She had put bread back in the cupboard that the daughter had apparently left out as she was just about to have a sandwich 😂. Honestly, do not judge yourself through the eyes of a 14 year old.

Every teen wants what they don't have.

I used to beg my mother to leave my dad. He wasn't a horrible person but my parents got married very young and grew into such different people that there was constant clashes and no one got along.

There is no guarantee that she would be happier inside a family. She is definitely happier than she'd be still stuck with her abusive father then.

She sounds like a typical teen...if she had a sibling she would probably moan about how much she hates him or her etc etc......I would point out everything that she does have. No-one's life is perfect even if it looks that way.

14 is peak arsehole age. She’d still be moaning if her dad was living at hime and she had a couple of siblings.

Its hard but don’t take it personally and also don’t let her get away with being rude and unkind. It’s one thing to want to offload about her feelings but no need to be so bloody horrible to you.

Fuck me, now she's an arsehole? You're all.exteremly quick to write off any issue a teenager has, and are frankly bitchy as hell about it.
This is why your teens hate you 🤷‍♀️

You have not failed at all.

She sounds like an ungrateful little madam

Next time she goes on about this you need to have the strength to tell her to shush and that you won’t tolerate her negativity and rudeness.

You are in charge here, don’t stay quiet and act sad.

I agree with this and I think you need to stop empowering her to be so free and easy with her opinions.

I was in the exact same position as your daughter growing up. Sure I felt lonely sometimes, wished I had siblings occasionally and it would have been nice to have had mum and dad together.

But, I would never have behaved the way your daughter is. The current notion that kids can feel and say whatever they like really isn't helpful imo.

14 is vile.

I was the only child of a single mum. She did a great job but I remember struggling emotionally in my mid teens and a lot of that was centred around my family situation. I was jealous of friends with dads (which was pretty much everyone I knew), I was jealous of my friends with siblings, I was jealous of those with bigger houses and fancier holidays. All my friends seemed better off than me in every way possible, I felt like I’d drawn the short straw. I hadn’t of course, but 14 year olds are self absorbed and don’t always appreciate the positives.

What I will say, is that to miss out not only a father but siblings aswell is significant and shouldn’t just be brushed off. That’s not to say that anyone is to blame or that you can’t have a stable happy life without them but to this day (especially now my mum has died), my lack of family relationships outside the household I have created for myself, leaves me a bit sad when I think about it.

So my advice, don’t let her abuse you but don’t be completely dismissive of her feelings.

I left her abusive father because I wanted to protect her and give her a safe loving home but of course it's hard and I have to work a lot in order to give her what her friends have - activities, a decent place to live, clothes etc. I never wanted her to feel she missed out.

Does she know all that, if not tell her and hopefully she’ll change her attitude. If she does know all that and still says the things she does either ask her if she would like to live with her abusive father and if not shut up being an entitled brat and change her attitude

Honestly you need to tell her to grow up and fuck off (obviously in child-appropriate language). She’s saying she’d rather you had stayed with a violent partner? She’s pissy you aren’t as rich as her friends’ parents? Who the fuck does she think she is? Ungrateful little madam.

14 being a tricky age or not, there is no way the ungrateful little bugger would be talking to me like that.

She wants to act like that? Then she'd be told a few hard bloody facts that she could have a think about.

I think there are a lot of posters here who are posting defensively as they feel personally judged by your daughter's unhappiness & behaviour. They are the ones who need to get a grip and stop acting like teenagers themselves, and use a bit of that adult empathy they wish your daughter had.

A child's feelings may be hurtful, but it doesn't mean they are wrong. Some things are inconvenient to hear, but they are true and justified nevertheless. I think you've done the right thing so far by not acting in anger. I actually think it could make her even worse and more miserable and shut down.

What's she's going through is a type of grief. The same same grief you might have have gone through when you realised you weren't going to have more children, except she's going through it with a teenager's brain and life experience. However, her feelings are still perfectly valid. Even though I think she will always be sad about certain things, I think you will probably see a change start to happen in her behaviour when she gets to her early 20s. It's a long time to hang in there and be patient, so I sympathise.

Bringing it up on a weekly basis is a lot, so not wonder you feel ground down. I wonder if it's made worse by something else in her life she's unhappy about, and she's latching onto this issue more for some reason.

However, she's not an ungrateful madam not an arsehole for wanting an intact stable family, a mother & father who love each other and siblings, ffs. It's basic. @Quitelikeit It doesn't mean she would have preferred life with an abusive father either @DoAWheelie and it's emotionally manipulative and unfair to present a child with that type of dichotomy. Yes, that is what she was face with in real life, but she isn't wrong for longing for how her life could have been otherwise.

But I find it so hard when my daughter tells me every week how much I've failed. That we are not a real family just the two of us and how lonely she is. That she wishes she was born in to a different family. And I understand her.

I think you need to challenge her a bit here and that your own depression is making you take on board too much of what she is saying. Do please go and see your gp and get some help not to be so down on yourself.

You haven't failed. (Your ex OTOH failed as a husband and father because he was abusive.)
Families come in all shapes and sizes and two of you is a family. Little but still good as per Lilo & Stitch. 😀
If she's lonely she needs to focus on friendships - there's no telling that if she had had siblings they would have got on, and anyway, that's not the hand she was dealt.

Maybe she needs it explained to her that if what you're saying is quite cruel and hurtful to the person hearing it and there's nothing they can do to change it, it's better left in your head or spoken about to a counsellor or friend.

She's still learning empathy, so I think you need to let her know her words hurt and aren't fair.

Having said all the above it's hard for her that she had an abusive father. Did she see or experience the abuse and has she been without a dad for a while? That's not your fault of course, you've done the absolute best you could in the situation. Could you offer her counselling re her father, but also emphasise that you wanted to protect her from abuse and you are doing the best you can and struggling with the criticism. It might be good for her to have someone outside the family to talk to about her dad. My dcs' dad died and youngest got to meet with a TA at school to chat once a fortnight.

Wow. Your daughter sounds horrible. I'm sure you've done your best for her.

Ah this scares me as a newly single parent to a 7 month old baby! In my mind, I'm focused on her and only her at the moment with the likelihood of not getting into another relationship or having any more kids.

Your post is worrying but as many people have said, teenage years are tough so I'm hoping she'll pass through this stage and it'll be easier for you mentally!

You're a role model for women like me who have decided to put their children first and been brave enough to leave abusive men. Sending love x

Your daughter needs to hear a few home truths and stop whining. She is rude and insensitive. She needs to learn what side her bread is buttered on.,

You did what you had to do to keep you both safe. You are a great mother for this.
You had one child but would have liked more - however, you focused on your daughter and worked hard to give her a good life - you are a great mother for this.

Don't hide it if she says things that are upsetting to you. Show those tears - she needs to know she is causing you distress. Explain to her how upset you were to not have more children. How hard it has been as a single parent.

I am a single parent to an only child who is also 14. They wouldn't dream of speaking in this way. His father was an alcoholic and then died. I didn't have more kids. I work full time. Life has been hard but we are close and my son appreciates his life. He knows there are children having limbs blown off, being neglected and beaten, living in bedsits, not being read books, not eating properly, and going to bed hungry every night etc etc etc.

Your daughter needs to get in the real world and get her head out of princess land.

Big hug you wonderful mum

Now go give her a good talking too!

She is 14, at some point during the teenager period everyone is a self centre, miserable, nothing is my fault/responsibility brat.
"I didn't ask to be born" is one of my favourites. She is a teen, the fact she can articulate childish sentences doesn't make those sentences less childish.
You are doing great.
Don't take her moaning as a real criticism. You have done very well.

I don't agree with this at all.

I know plenty of teenagers who reached adulthood without being selfish little shits, plenty.

It's just an excuse.

Sometimes children need telling that they’re being unreasonable. 14 is prime age for thinking the world revolves around you. They need to know there is so much they don’t know.

Hopefully she’ll appreciate what you went through when she’s an adult. It’s a long game.

This. Who does she think she is telling you you've failed by providing her with a nice home, nice things and nice activities, working 2 jobs to support you both?

I'd be absolutely raging at the ungratefullness of it!

Is she dirty? Unfed? Does she not get affection?

Stop feeling bad for somthing you havnt done and start getting her told. What a rude girl she is

edited to add

I'm actually so cross on your behalf!

I left my abusive ex 7 years ago and I've raised my babies by myself since they were 8 months old and 2.6 years old. Never had another relationship as I've been frightened of more abuse. I would of also loved another child

If mine were as rude and hurtful as your DD at 14 I'd come down on them like a ton of bricks.

She clearly has no idea how hard things have actually been for you, showing again that you HAVNT failed her.

I'd actually show her this thread

OP it's possible that if you had a new partner and more children she would be complaining about step dad and having to share with half siblings and would be saying that you ruined her life too.

At 14 she should be able to have some friends and activities to keep her occupied, does she have any?

You say you want to be there to listen to her feelings but she's not sharing with you her feelings is she? She's doing much more then that by blaming you and saying that she hates you. Would you allow her to talk like that to her teacher, friend, grandmother? You really need to set some boundaries there and explain to her that sharing her thoughts and complaints doesn't need to involve attacking other people.
If you want to be a good mother then you should be more focused on raising her well rather then worrying about not magically providing her with dad and siblings.

She's 14 yesr old. Of course she's not aware how hard it is it be single parent why would she? It's OP's job to set boundaries and explain to her she can't tall to her mother like that and that it's unacceptable.

Once, when my DD was around the age of 5, I asked her to do something and she responded with "well what do you do for me?"

I immediately listed, quite firmly everything that gets done for her from keeping her clothed, fed, housed, and safe to all the privileges she experiences with her friends, rides places, toys etc. And I finished it by saying, all of which can stop if you don't appreciate it and if you think it's ok to talk to me like that. She then apologized and has never spoken to me like that again.

At 14 your DD is perfectly capable of understanding and being told that her words are hurtful and teach her what the problem is with the whole 'the grass is greener' mentality. She has a loving mom who is doing her best to provide for her and keep her safe. I would point out to her that there are so many other children/teenagers living in households where they are being abused, or whose parents fight all the time, or they live in homeless shelters, or who have entirely lost their parents and live in foster care etc. There are blessings in her life that she needs to learn to recognize and appreciate and not always focus on elements that she doesn't have. Everyone has a different situation (including bad things underneath a perfect appearance), and she needs to focus on the positives in hers or she's going to be miserable all her life.

I wouldn't validate her complaining, set her straight. She needs to learn.

Tey not to let it get you down...I'm sure you are doing a great job as evident by the fact you already removed yourself and her from an abusibe situation. I think she just needs a dose of reality/context.