My only child hates her life

[Itsallmessedup]

I am really struggling with how much I've messed up as a mother. My fourteen year old is an only child and I am a single parent. I work two jobs and am struggling with anxiety and probably depression too, which I try to get on with as well as I can and be positive, keep a nice house and do fun things.

But I find it so hard when my daughter tells me every week how much I've failed. That we are not a real family just the two of us and how lonely she is. That she wishes she was born in to a different family. And I understand her.

I left her abusive father because I wanted to protect her and give her a safe loving home but of course it's hard and I have to work a lot in order to give her what her friends have - activities, a decent place to live, clothes etc. I never wanted her to feel she missed out.

I always hoped to meet someone new and have more children but it never happened. I've tried to make peace with that even though it is a big sorrow for me. I hide how upset it makes me when she brings this up again and again, asking why I did this to her and why she doesn't get to have siblings and a whole family like every one else.

My biggest dream in life was to be a good mother and I've failed at that. I always thought we'd be ok just the two us. When she was younger I felt like we had quite a good little life had fun together and now she just seems to hate me and tells me she hates her life. I know that she is a child/teenager and her feelings are totally valid, I try to listen without judgement and console her, I want her to be able to talk to me about her feelings. But when you are already feeling so down, it's just hard having everything that you are trying to stay positive about thrown back at you, all your worst thoughts about yourself confirmed.

How do other struggling/depressed parents cope with having teenagers who say hurtful things? Will my daughter ever get over being an only child to a single parent and be ok in the future? Please be kind, I'm really struggling. I love my daughter very much, I have only ever wanted the best for her.

This is a good point. Our amazing dog had helped our family of 2 feel a bit bigger. And given me son another being to love/ play with

I disagree with this "children should never feel upset about not having siblings because they might not have got on with a sibling" argument. Yes, the relationship might not have worked out, but it would have been a relationship and another person around the house, and of course only children who would like a sibling aren't going to assume that their sibling relationship would be toxic - they're going to look at the sibling relationships that worked out.

It's a bit condescending to then say to them "well actually, you shouldn't wish for something that you don't have but others have, because you would probably have drawn the short straw and ended up with the horrid brother or sister."

They might justifiably think - "Well, look at my friend Amy. She's one of four and has an older brother who looks out for her and her younger sisters are so cute. Why wouldn't it have been like that for me?"

Equally, I know lots of children who are unhappy with having to share their parents' attention with siblings and might wish they'd been the only one, and that viewpoint is valid too.

It's a personality thing. Some children will thrive with the additional human connections that siblings bring, and others would suffer from the chaos and noisiness and lack of attention. But of course we often don't know at the outset what sort of children we'll have, and often family size is dictated by circumstances or finances rather than necessarily choice (though of course choosing only to have one child is so perfectly normal nowadays that I'm amazed many people think it's odd - it's actually the most common family size).

That is not to say that the OP's DD should be berating her mother for matters largely outside her control (that's obnoxious behaviour, but maybe quite typical for ungrateful teens), but it does sound like the present set-up doesn't offer enough in terms of meaningful human connections to the DD. And maybe that's something the OP could look at. We are all different and some of us require more human interaction than others.

I think a lot of the posts aren't fair to your dd tbh.

As an only child raised by a single mother I can kind of relate. My mum unconsciously shared 'adult struggles' or I sensed she was struggling and it was a lot to deal with as a teenager as I had no one to vent to. You might not think you're doing it but the little things add up.

it's also scary knowing you're an only child in a single parent household at times.

How she went about it was wrong but she's trying to communicate something deeper and you should listen and address it.

Are there any 14-year-olds who don't whinge?

It's not about saying she can't have feelings about it or wonder about the what ifs, but it's about realism and acceptance. She doesn't have siblings (and even if OP had another child now, the age-gap would be huge). The fantasy of siblings likely wouldn't be borne out by the reality. What actual good does it do her to indulge those feelings at any length?

My dad died when I was very little, the fantasy of life had he not died, wasn't very helpful. And wasn't based on the realities of who he was.

What you can't have you can't have and it's not good for you to wallow in it (or use it as a stick to beat your mum with).

She's 14. She's allowed to express that she's unhappy with her life without putting a brave face on it for her parent, although I agree the criticism is out of line.

I would certainly be more robust in my responses and much less sympathetic to the extent that her grievances are tailored around material things - "we're not as rich as other people", "I don't get as much pocket money", "I don't have as much stuff". I think the time-honoured adult response is generally in order for that sort of complaint - "If you work hard at school, then when you're older you can get a good job and buy as much stuff as you want".

But the loneliness/family aspect? I have more sympathy there. We all want to feel part of a wider group/community, and family is one, though not the only, aspect of this. It's also an aspect where children/teens are quite powerless - they can't build social networks for their parents but rely on the social networks their parents build. Maybe the OP can constructively work with her DD on some aspects of this? Developing friendship, volunteering, making connections with neighbours. These are all things we'd suggest to an adult feeling alone and disconnected, but a 14yo might need some help with them.

Wow, reading this post I saw so much of myself in it. I think the only way to deal with it is to go out of your way to talk to her and spend time with her.

You're doing a great job, OP, and one day (when she's not 14) your daughter will see this and feel terrible fo her behaviour.

I think most 14 year old feel hard done by in one way or another.

While being 14 sucks in general, there's no way you need to sit and accept the crap she's flinging your way. It obviously doesn't work taking it. A few home truths about her attitude sounds long overdue tbh.

I know that she is a child/teenager and her feelings are totally valid

Well, all feelings are valid. Including yours.

OP, I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. What support do you have in place for yourself?

You have escaped dv. That is no small thing, it's a fucking huge achievement and you should be very proud. You've cared for and brought up your DD, you work hard and you deserve to be happy.

Next, while all feelings are valid and need to be heard/expressed/acknowledged, the stories that are behind those feelings may not be true.

I've messed up as a mother.
I've failed.
we are not a real family
My biggest dream in life was to be a good mother and I've failed at that.
she just seems to hate me and tells me she hates her life.

All of these beliefs sound really hurtful and upsetting. Are they true? Are you sure they are true? Because they don't seem to match up what you're saying about all of the things that you've done so far, which would suggest you are an admirable, loving, and excellent mother, even if you are having a tough time right now.

I highly recommend this book:

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/46674.Feeling_Good

Which is great on learning how to challenge common depressive thought patterns.

And last to your daughter ... it sounds like she is hurt and angry. Lots of big feelings. Lashing out. Yes, some of that is teenagerhood. And some of it may need to be heard and perhaps it might help to see if she needs some counselling/therapy, too? What about family therapy? It sounds like you both could use some extra support, even if you are close, sometimes we need some external input to help take the pressure off. Then you can start to heal your relationship.

The stories your DD is telling herself and you are also worth questioning, examining and testing for truth. As a PP said upthread, listening can also include asking questions (gently), encouraging insight, and coaching to help with skills where a child may need a bit of extra support.

For example - is it true that 'everyone else' is a big happy family? Really?

Active listening is a fantastic skill to learn. It sounds like you're doing well listening, but here is an article that may be useful:

https://www.peacefulparenthappykids.com/read/brilliant-listener

It's going to be okay, OP. You're doing a great job. You'll get there.

As I opened this thread I reckoned your DD was going to be 14! I have a 13yo who is very capable of talking like this. When she does I always emphasise that as a minimum she needs to be polite and respect those who look after her. If she has anything else to say she can do so politely.

As as single parent I totally agree with this.

Agree with this. Does she know about her Dad being abusive? Maybe time she learned some truths.

It's also quite possible OP's DD has stuff to work through about the abusive relationship and/or its aftermath. It may be that a therapist or counsellor, someone with a bit of distance, may be better able to help than OP.

'All feelings are valid' seems to have come to mean all feelings must be indulged. And imo this is often a mistake. Your DD has the life she has. Objectively it is not a bad life. Her needs are met, and then some. She is loved and secure. OK, so she'd like another parent and siblings, but, life very rarely gives us everything we want and for our own peace of mind, there comes a point where we have to accept that and focus on what we do have. Because all the complaining and lashing out isn't going to change anything. Your daughter is at an age where she needs to start to learn this and shift her focus to making the best of the life she has. In your shoes I'd stop with endless empathy (which to an extent affirms she is 'right' to complain) and be more brisk, matter of fact and solutions focused. She's lonely she says. So what are the options to minimise this? Can you team up with friends? Do something different at the big family times like Christmas? Does she have suggestions for how the two of you could enjoy your time more? And do keep perspective. Most teens go through a stage of thinking their home lives are the worst possible and their parents have got it all wrong. It's a development stage.

Agree, it's also possible she saw some of what her mum went through/supported her and feels alone

She could be saying those things for various reasons. It's clear something is on her mind, but I think it needs careful listening to get to the bottom of it. We all say hurtful things in anger sometimes - especially children. Doesn't mean they're true.

You sound like an amazing mother, and even if she doesn’t appreciate it now, there will come a time where she sees the value of everything you’ve done for her. Teenagers can be horrible.

Teenagers are just hormonal wrecks. They don't understand adult life and that we are humans too. They don't know that we have endured alot including bad relationships and money worries to get by. I honestly think you need to just be proud of yourself. Let her talk to you but teach her to be respectful and appreciate the love you have given her for 14 years. Remind her that you have feelings too and you'd like her to care about you equally.

Don't doubt yourself. Life is brutal and we don't all get the marriage and happy family. She will only learn through her own experiences but right now she thinks she knows it all

This

I think ops dd is behaving very badly

I have been on the other end as the child of a single mum. You have not failed as a mother, this is just a teenage phase that will come to pass once she goes to uni. Tell her what you have posted here so she knows how difficult it has been for you. She has no life experience yet, so she probably would have no idea how much you have sacrificed unless you explain it in a very clear manner. Remember that we often blame our trouble on the person closest to us, so the fact that she lashes out on you now means that she loves you, even though she doesn't understand it.

OP, I completely understand what you're going through - I have a 14 year old boy and he has recently morphed from a lovely child to a pretty mean, aggro, annoying and demanding individual. I hardly recognise him, and he appears to suddenly hate me and his father. It's awful 😫😢 But I seem to remember being exactly the same at this age. It's rite of passage. We need to get our heads down and get through this - they will come out of the other side and be nice again. They will! So don't be blaming yourself and your lifestyle - they will have been like this no matter what you will have provided, no matter what big fancy house you'd have provided them (I lived in a big fancy house thanks to my parents - still didn't care and was a compete BRAT at aged 14). They are like this no matter what you have been perceived to have given them. And there are very few teenagers that are suffering from the lack of phones / WiFi / Netflix etc. they're all very dramatic these days compared to the utter lack of any of this in our day!! (1990s) They're all very lucky and don't realise it xx

@GoodLaudanum
Here in Surrey many 14 year olds babysit. Sainsbury employs 16 year olds.

Her complaints are about things you cannot change. It sounds like she’s found a stick to beat you with. If her biggest complaint is about her non existent siblings that would suggest she’s not got a bad deal.

It’s time for a talk. You need to make it absolutely clear to her you will not tolerate the disrespect and judgement from her. Then never indulge that subject ever again. Shut it down, leave the room if you have to. That doesn’t mean you can’t support her with her feelings, but giving her endless sympathy while she wallows in what could have been is serving no purpose. She doesn’t have siblings, she’s not going to get siblings and that’s that. Subject closed.

You have not failed at all op. Like many other women I stayed far too long. I would much rather have a teenager complain about her single mum than complain that I didn’t leave when I should have.

Talk to a professional counsellor
You have not failed
She is being a teenager
If she is overly anxious try get her seen by counsellor too