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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH wants shotgun on weekends...

116 replies

Meepspeeps · 16/11/2024 10:16

Hi everyone, I'm new to Mumsnet. My DH works from home and I'm currently a SAHM to two boys at almost 3 year old and a 10 month old. My DH likes to have the odd weekend to stay over at his parents alone or to see friends in London. I look after the kids alone which I am happy to do. I see friends when I can too, but my social life is less than his. He has no upcoming plans so I asked if he would mind if I see my mum next Saturday or Sunday for a few hours child free to do some Xmas shopping and lunch. Usually when I see her it's with the kids and we don't get a chance to chat properly! She is 76 so and my dad has passed away so I want to have time with her when I can. DH had a moan at me that he wants the next two weekends 'kept free' in case he chooses to go out! And he he works all week why should he then have to do childcare at the weekends. I did say I can move my plans if he gets an offer to go out as I know those opportunities don't always come up. I feel he was unreasonable to speak to me like that. Any thoughts? I feel like a prisoner being told I can't go out if I want too. If he has no plans why can't I make any?

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 16/11/2024 10:18

Of course you should make plans, you’re entitled to as many child free hours as him.
If he’s like this in general, I think you should be thinking about work and how you can be financially independent.

PullTheBricksDown · 16/11/2024 10:22

So he gets whole weekends to go away but is moaning about you going out for one day, not overnight? Nope, that's unfair. And no he doesn't get to keep you on standby just in case. That means his job is 5 days a week, but yours as SAHP is 7 days. You deserve down time too.

FluffMagnet · 16/11/2024 10:27

You work all week too...

Edenmum2 · 16/11/2024 10:29

Does he do meals, bedtimes, bath, night feeds?

SallyWD · 16/11/2024 10:30

He's being extremely unreasonable. Yes he works but you have a baby and toddler which is exhausting and relentless! You need a break too! He's basically saying his work and his free time is more important than yours.
I was a SAHM for 7 years and DH and I always ensured that the other one had a break.

Necky1 · 16/11/2024 10:33

Bloody hell.
This is completely unreasonable and actually really shit.

How have you gotten into such a toxic dynamic?
You need to return to work asap as he is behaving like a single man and you are the 24 hour nanny.

I wouldn't trust a man who behaves like that as far as I could throw him.

PenGold · 16/11/2024 10:34

Just go and leave him to it. He’ll respect you far more than if you bend yourself into all sorts of shapes trying to work around him.

I take it he’ll be doing all of the Christmas shopping for his family and 50% of the shopping for your own children?

UpTheMagicChristmasTree · 16/11/2024 10:36

Are you his paid nanny and home help or his wife? He isn't treating you fairly at all, you are being completely reasonable.

Questionary · 16/11/2024 10:37

This is not a healthy relationship and he is not a father

Het a job and get financial independence quickly as this one doesn’t bode well for the future

RabbitsEatPancakes · 16/11/2024 10:41

Does he actually like his children or you?

Why wouldn't he want to hang out with them?

And if childcare is such hard work he doesn't want to do it for a day then he needs to acknowledge the person doing it full time needs a rest.

What a twat.

Ellie1015 · 16/11/2024 10:46

Yanbu. He gets full weekends at his parents yet grudges you a few hours?

They are his kids parenting should be 50/50 at the weekends.

ReleaseTheHoneyBadgers · 16/11/2024 10:47

Errr - WHAT YOU DO ALL WEEK IS WORK.

You tell him no, you've made a plan and he will have to parent his kids for the time you tell him.

And don't feel you have to move it/rush. Be clear that if you are made to feel that way he can f**k right off with his next request about 'solo time'.

He's being a megatwonk.

youonlyliveonce99 · 16/11/2024 10:47

Meepspeeps · 16/11/2024 10:16

Hi everyone, I'm new to Mumsnet. My DH works from home and I'm currently a SAHM to two boys at almost 3 year old and a 10 month old. My DH likes to have the odd weekend to stay over at his parents alone or to see friends in London. I look after the kids alone which I am happy to do. I see friends when I can too, but my social life is less than his. He has no upcoming plans so I asked if he would mind if I see my mum next Saturday or Sunday for a few hours child free to do some Xmas shopping and lunch. Usually when I see her it's with the kids and we don't get a chance to chat properly! She is 76 so and my dad has passed away so I want to have time with her when I can. DH had a moan at me that he wants the next two weekends 'kept free' in case he chooses to go out! And he he works all week why should he then have to do childcare at the weekends. I did say I can move my plans if he gets an offer to go out as I know those opportunities don't always come up. I feel he was unreasonable to speak to me like that. Any thoughts? I feel like a prisoner being told I can't go out if I want too. If he has no plans why can't I make any?

Oh wow selfish comes to mind OP.

How is that even fair? Blokes an asshole, I would be telling him that too.

NoSquirrels · 16/11/2024 10:50

He sounds like a twat.

And you shouldn’t ditch plans with your widowed 78-year-old mum because he wants to act like a single bloke with no responsibilities. Your poor mum!

Lemonade2011 · 16/11/2024 10:51

So when he gets his weekends to himself when do you get yours? Does he not think you ever need some time to yourself? Does he actually parent at all? Surely he would enjoy a few hours alone with his own children?? Weird man. Sounds somewhat self involved and childish, does he need someone to tell him he’s a husband and father not a free single man who can swan off when the fancy takes him? Think I’d be having a word or looking for work op

user1471538283 · 16/11/2024 10:51

Childcare? It's parenting and he should want to spend time and look after his DC. So you are not working looking after his DC? I worked all week and was with my DS most weekends as I rarely went out.

He will be another one moaning he has no relationship with his older children because he didn't build one when they were small.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 16/11/2024 10:55

He’s a twat. They’re his children too and he should be pitching in at weekends. Weekend do not belong to him to keep free if he possibly might want to do something. You’re entitled to some child free time as well. Prick.

queenmeadhbh · 16/11/2024 10:57

Ask him why he believes he deserves more child-free time when not working than you do?

Dery · 16/11/2024 10:57

“And he he works all week why should he then have to do childcare at the weekends.”

This really got my goat. And you’re working, too. You’re just not being paid.

The answer to the above question is: because he’s got children. It’s not childcare. It’s called parenting. What does he think families with two working parents do at the weekend - just go out and leave the kids to it? No - when working parents aren’t doing their paid job, they are actively parenting particularly when the children are small. At least, proper parents are.

His attitude stinks and he needs a serious re-education, fast.

Delorian · 16/11/2024 10:59

I would print off this thread and walk out for the day.

Kool4katz · 16/11/2024 11:00

Sounds like you’ve given him an inch and he’s now taking the piss. He’s acting like he’s a p/t dad and can dip in and out of parenting knowing full well you’ll always be there 24/7.

Time to get tough and set new ground rules.

Stop being too accommodating and tell him you’re going out next weekend, Saturday and Sunday and he needs to plan what he’s going to do with the children to ensure they have a great time with him. Don’t back down or compromise and let him know this is the new normal going forward.

When he eventually understands that he’s a full time daddy too, then you can begin to share weekends off more fairly.

researchers3 · 16/11/2024 11:01

Wow. He is incredibly unreasonable op and it worries me that you need to ask.

Go and be with your mum and have a lovely day together.

And maybe after Xmas think about your long term future. This is far from an equal relationship and not what you'd expect or hope for in 2024.

Floralnomad · 16/11/2024 11:02

You need to nip the attitude of ‘I work all week , you don’t’ in the bud now . A frank and open conversation is needed along the lines of being a SAHP to 2 under 4 s is work and he has to do his share at weekends . With his attitude it may actually be better for you to put the kids into childcare ASAP and go back to work .

NicoleSkidman · 16/11/2024 11:07

So he thinks you don’t work? Have you considered divorce?

ohtowinthelottery · 16/11/2024 11:07

Your DH is totally unreasonable. When I was a SAHM/carer to 2 disabled DCs and DH was working full time, we were both able to have free time at weekends or in the evenings if we wanted whilst the 'not going out ' parent took over.
If events clashed it was a case of which one was on the calendar first! (Obviously if it was work related for DH that took precedent).
Your DH does not value what you do nor does he seem to value spending time with his children.
Things will only get worse if you don't address this now.