DH wants shotgun on weekends...

[Meepspeeps]

Hi everyone, I'm new to Mumsnet. My DH works from home and I'm currently a SAHM to two boys at almost 3 year old and a 10 month old. My DH likes to have the odd weekend to stay over at his parents alone or to see friends in London. I look after the kids alone which I am happy to do. I see friends when I can too, but my social life is less than his. He has no upcoming plans so I asked if he would mind if I see my mum next Saturday or Sunday for a few hours child free to do some Xmas shopping and lunch. Usually when I see her it's with the kids and we don't get a chance to chat properly! She is 76 so and my dad has passed away so I want to have time with her when I can. DH had a moan at me that he wants the next two weekends 'kept free' in case he chooses to go out! And he he works all week why should he then have to do childcare at the weekends. I did say I can move my plans if he gets an offer to go out as I know those opportunities don't always come up. I feel he was unreasonable to speak to me like that. Any thoughts? I feel like a prisoner being told I can't go out if I want too. If he has no plans why can't I make any?

You work at doing childcare all week. When's your time off?

Forgive me if I've misunderstood

He wants YOU to not make plans, in case HE wants to make plans?

Yeah

No. Not in a fucking million years. He's selfish and self-absorbed

Make your plans and tell him what you're doing, at the last minute though

Arsehole.

Why is a Shotgun in the title? Freudian slip maybe....

Blimey! I thought you meant a real shotgun a first. Look, give him what he asks for and ensure that you get exactly equal compensation in return. Like for like or no deal.

When he says that looking after kids all week is a piece of piss and not like proper work, just agree with him that it's easy-peasy... and then say "Great. So minding them for a couple of hours while I go out will be a doddle for you then".

So basically his mum is more important than yours

What’s with the shotgun title, I don’t get it.

Just insist that this is what is happening and tell him to stop being so selfish.

OP his plans are not more important than your plans.

Ask him how he feels about making EOW a formality as part of the divorce settlement?

In your shoes, I’d definitely get back to work, gaining my independence whilst he picks up his share of the slack at home.

The problem with this is that the OP will end up working FT and doing all the childcare and nursery pick ups and drop offs as well as all the housework and life admin she did when she was a SAHM.

And he will just carry on as before.

I'd continue being an SAHM personally.

Calling Shotgun is a way of bagsying/claiming rights to a limited commodity.

eg: Two siblings approaching the family car, the first one to shout "shotgun!" gets to sit in the front passenger seat.

So, nothing to with an argument over who is going to use the family firearm at the weekend?

I’m disappointed. It would have made a change from the usual petty squabbles.

Get a calendar and work out how many weekends he has had off this year. Show it to him. Tell him from now on, every time he does it, you do it. Then stick to this on principle. He is being very selfish.

why should he then have to do childcare at the weekends

Because he chose to have two children...?

It's American, it means first refusal. First person to say Shotgun gets the front seat in the car for example. It's not a UK phrase but you hear it on American TV programmes sometimes.

I don't have to read the answers to know that they will all say Yanbu.

Because how could they not be?

How could you possibly be asking if it's fair to have a few hours off when your husband has loads.

Why do you not both think it should be 50/50 of the spare time available?

The fact that you're asking this can only point to an extremely unhealthy misogynistic belittling relationship.

OF COURSE you are allowed a few hours off. Your free time should be split 50/50.

He can't have it both ways. It's either so easy that you don't need a break from it, and thus easy for him to manage. Or it's so hard that he can't do it alone, and thus something you definitely need a break from as you do it all week.

Why doesn't he take the children to visit his parents while you spend time with your mum?

They are their grandchildren after all

Ok maybe not for a weekend cos their house might not have space but for the day - why not?

Also, I think he is probably going to come up with something that he "must" do alone when you have planned your shopping trip

Another thing, once he had had the children for a few hours alone he will respect how hard you work in the home iyswim

Another arsehole that thinks you're sat at home eating bonbons all day while he "works". I bet he never does waking nights and gets all the lay ins as well. You need child free time. Time when your not having to meet someone elses needs and care for other people. Unfortunately, your husband doesn't recognise or respect what you do. He needs to parent his kids to appreciate the actual work involved. I think you need a regular weekly day out.

Please tell us it hasn't been three years since you last had some child free time op?

Think I'd just organise some childcare for them and go out. He can then be free to do what he wants to do also. Don't think it would be an argument that either of you would win. Maybe once you tell him what you're planning and the cost he might have different ideas. He sounds very self absorbed/ important. Or the other tactic is just to walk out and leave the kids for the day with him, no warning.

Your H does not ‘have your back’ and has sexist attitudes: as such it isn’t sensible to continue to SAH, too much risk.

If he thinks it'd be hard work doing child care at the weekend then by his own admission and logic you also work hard during the week and need a break: I would say - Saturdays you alternate a day off and Sundays have a family day

Oh shit. He’s abusive and controlling.

The ONLY time I’d ever think he wasn’t being unreasonable would be if there was potentially a plan coming up that was necessary for work really. Like neither of us currently have plans next weekend but we’re having to keep it free because my husband has a client who may need a meeting next weekend so I totally understand that, it’s essential for his job and I completely respect that. But if he was telling me I couldn’t make plans incase he decided he wanted to go out with his friends, nope