DH wants shotgun on weekends...

[Meepspeeps]

Hi everyone, I'm new to Mumsnet. My DH works from home and I'm currently a SAHM to two boys at almost 3 year old and a 10 month old. My DH likes to have the odd weekend to stay over at his parents alone or to see friends in London. I look after the kids alone which I am happy to do. I see friends when I can too, but my social life is less than his. He has no upcoming plans so I asked if he would mind if I see my mum next Saturday or Sunday for a few hours child free to do some Xmas shopping and lunch. Usually when I see her it's with the kids and we don't get a chance to chat properly! She is 76 so and my dad has passed away so I want to have time with her when I can. DH had a moan at me that he wants the next two weekends 'kept free' in case he chooses to go out! And he he works all week why should he then have to do childcare at the weekends. I did say I can move my plans if he gets an offer to go out as I know those opportunities don't always come up. I feel he was unreasonable to speak to me like that. Any thoughts? I feel like a prisoner being told I can't go out if I want too. If he has no plans why can't I make any?

You've made a really bad choice or husband and father here. Please wake up and realise this isn't normal but becoming the norm with so many posts on mumsnet like this it feels like we're going back in time to the 50's. So tell him no and if he won't share his children and time the leave. You're basically a single mum anyway so if you live apart you'll get to listen to his stupidness alot less and then when the kids have their wkd and one night a week after school with him if he can be bothered you'll get your time to yourself and if he won't have the kids alone whether he is with you or not put everything you've got into making sure those kids know how much you love them and then one day their dickhead of a sperm donor will realise his me time won't love him back or look after him or visit him in his old age. Sorry for the loss of your dad. If you might struggle alone maybe have mum live with you if not find a way to go it alone, there is always a way. Don't be a doormat anymore . Life is to short believe me.

Oh my god!

What an arse!

You're not his servant on duty 24/7 while he works office hours and then leaves you and the children to it!

You need to pull him up sharply and tell him your marriage isn't sustainable if he doesn't get his head out of his arse and do his share at home, which includes giving you much needed breaks.

@Meepspeeps how do you know he is even going to his parents??? would his parents not ever expect to see you and the kids with him??

He's being completely unreasonable! Stand your ground OP. He's showing a lack of respect for your role as a SAHM. With two little ones you deserve a break just as much as he does.

He is a knob. Let this thread build and then show him what people are saying.

Plan your weekend with your mum and get it on the calendar. (We have a rule in our house, if it is on the calendar it is booked and the other one has to work around it)

If the adult child gets asked to play by his friends, he needs to make arrangements for the real children.

Why can’t he take the DC to his parents? Surely the grandparents want to see them or let alone him spend time with his own children?

This is very unreasonable and selfish of him. Does he actually spend much time with his own kids?

@youonlyliveonce99 why did you quote the whole OP?

Wtf have I just read??
Yet another selfish entitled prick, I'm bored of them.
He doesn't have plans so no, he doesn't get to say no to your request. Make arrangements with your Mum and tell him you do have plans and no you won't be moving them if his fucking lordship decides he actually wants to do something. Fuck him.

Gosh OP stand up for yourself, don't back down like that, you're letting him run rings around you, stop and say no and stop giving him full weekends unless you get them too

Ask why you aren't as entitled to child free time as you, ask him if he finds working or looking after the DC easiest?

So don’t ask if he’d mind, tell him that’s what’s happening

I did say I can move my plans if he gets an offer to go out

i want to be polite about this so kindly, wtf?

Sorry I’ve not read full thread so this might have been said already. if he thinks looking after two kids is so easy and not work at all what’s his problem with doing it at the weekend it’ll be easy for him too!

I would tell him to grow the fuck up. Regular weekends away ?

What a selfish shit. So he thinks you’re not entitled to any child free time?

And he he works all week why should he then have to do childcare at the weekends.

What a wanker. He wanted children, did he think they'd look after themselves?

Of course he's unreasonable. You should have equal time off at weekends and in the evenings during the week.

How is the rest of the relationship?

I think you need to address his misconception of what you do all week.
You need to consider that staying at home looking after the kids as a full time job.

If you went out to work and put your kids in with a childminder - the childminder would be doing a job, so your job is no different - in fact you are probably working longer hours as guessing your husband doesn't help out in the evening and I bet you don't get a lunchtime hour off!

As you both work 'full time' during the week you are both entitled to some 'time off'.
I'm assuming your kids are pre school age.

Mon-Fri you both work: I suspect you might actually work longer hours than he does if you cover nights/early morning waking and bedtimes too.

Saturday and Sunday: There are two long full days of work(childcare) that need to be done, and these reasonably should be shared between the two of you, as both of you are the parents.
A fair split is that he does half of the hours and you do the other half, every single weekend. As you'll probably want some family time all together then at least one of you might actually end up spending more than one day with the children (so that you two parents can overlap a bit), but there is no reason why either of you should be doing less than one full day (wake-up to bedtime) of childcare unless there is a one-off two-day event which the other has generously agreed to cover the second day for as a favour.

Childcare?
It's called parenting.

Some men don't seem to want to be fathers. They'll provide the sperm then leave everything to their wives.

He's a selfish wanker and I can't believe you put up with this shit. Time to shake things up a bit OP. You both get equal childcare time at the weekends from now on.
He cancan't actually learn to parent both his children on his own!

This too!
Do not offer to change your plans - bloody ridiculous. Honestly I'm actually raging for you.

Nope. You're busy all week with your own commitments and requested first. He gets plenty of chances to go out, just not these particular times. If he wants to go out on the day he can organise a babysitter himself. You are not a babysitter or a babysitter booking service.

OP you are definitely not being unreasonable.

But please can you explain the meaning of shotgun in this context? I can't see what it would be a typo for?

What a terrible husband and father he is. Total shitbag. He obviously thinks all household stuff inc his own kids is fuck all to do with him. Living the single life at weekends off with his mates.

Two good things you could do for yourself, is get a job so you’re not relying on him. Dump him. Please do the first even if you don’t do the second. You’re currently in a vulnerable position if this relationship doesn’t work out. The longer you’re not working the harder it will be to get a job.