DH wants shotgun on weekends...

[Meepspeeps]

Hi everyone, I'm new to Mumsnet. My DH works from home and I'm currently a SAHM to two boys at almost 3 year old and a 10 month old. My DH likes to have the odd weekend to stay over at his parents alone or to see friends in London. I look after the kids alone which I am happy to do. I see friends when I can too, but my social life is less than his. He has no upcoming plans so I asked if he would mind if I see my mum next Saturday or Sunday for a few hours child free to do some Xmas shopping and lunch. Usually when I see her it's with the kids and we don't get a chance to chat properly! She is 76 so and my dad has passed away so I want to have time with her when I can. DH had a moan at me that he wants the next two weekends 'kept free' in case he chooses to go out! And he he works all week why should he then have to do childcare at the weekends. I did say I can move my plans if he gets an offer to go out as I know those opportunities don't always come up. I feel he was unreasonable to speak to me like that. Any thoughts? I feel like a prisoner being told I can't go out if I want too. If he has no plans why can't I make any?

When my brother and I were little back in the very early 70s, my Dad worked FT and mum was a SAHM. My mum went out Saturday morning and came home in the evening pretty much every weekend while my Dad looked after us. We all spent Sundays together. Because he didn't see us much all week, he wanted time with us at the weekends and knew my mum needed time away from us having spent every hour with us Monday to Friday. To me, that's what being a Dad and husband should be, and is a long answer to what I think you should be expecting from your H.

'I work all week too. Childcare is work. Why do you think you should get weekends off but not me? Are you a sexist?'

'I'm going to my parents next weekend, for the whole weekend. Your turn to watch the kids. Unless you want to pay the going rate for childcare'.

He’s unbelievably selfish.. doesn’t seem interested in being a partner or a father. He’s taking advantage of OPs amicableness. Definitely toxic and a big question mark over the survival of this marriage.

OP needs to start preparing, and getting financially independent is step 1.

CHILDCARE!?!! Does he mean being a father to his own kids? I'd lose my shit.

I would advise you to start a secret savings account now. Your DH attitude to you is disgraceful. One day in the future you will come to hate him if his manner does not change. If you have money behind you ,you will feel more confident to leave him.

Don't ask him next time, tell him! He's very unreasonable to expect you to look after the children all weekend while he does what he wants and not return the favour when you need a break 😡 he should want to spend time with his children at the weekend and not see it as a chore. I would be making sure that you get your fair share of free time from now on!

YANBU

Where does the shotgun come in? I'm confused.

You work all week, you do childcare!

Why should you do childcare all week and need to do childcare all weekend?

Tell him he is in a family. He is a Dad and a husband and that means more than being a source of cash.

He is unbelievably selfish.

I would so this

You do childcare all week, so why should you have to do it on the weekends? DH is entitled and selfish. Plenty of parents both work full time and still have to care for their kids on the weekend and in the evenings, he's lucky you cover so much for him.

My 1st marriage ended because of this kind of thing- always going to football matches or out with mates having a drink - yet if I wanted to do anything I had to kind of 'book' weeks in advance-

"Riding shotgun" comes from the Wild West era when the person sitting next to the stagecoach driver would carry a shotgun.

This evolved to people "calling shotgun" to claim the front passenger seat in a car.

Apparently some people are now using the phrase to indicate that they have got first refusal on something valuable e.g. free time at weekends. Bit stupid if you ask me, but nobody did and language evolves blah blah

And what you do all week isn’t work?
he doesn’t value you or the fact you you look after the children all week and then at weekends too!!
stop asking permission to visit your mum, stop asking him to have HIS children for a few hours…. TELL HIM you are visiting your mum and he needs to keep from 12-4 (or whatever) free as he will be having hee kids! Also tell him to take kids with him when he visits his mum at weekends… tell him you also need some you time…
sorry @Meepspeeps hes a selfish prick

I think it’s like a ‘hall pass’.

Freedom basically.

@Meepspeeps are you ok?
Did you speak to your DH?