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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

my dp has told me he hates me for getting pregnant and having our dd

250 replies

veryunhappychappy · 27/04/2008 20:58

I am devastated.

Everything is crumbling around me and I do not know what to do. dd is 5 months old today and since she was 4 weeks old he has been viciously nasty to me, very critical, scathing comments every time i speak/ do anything. he is unwelcoming to my friends and family and pretty controlling at times. i feel totally paralysed by him and it's at the point where i do nothing but try and stay out of his way when he is at home.

i found out about a month ago he has a codeine addiction, on top of a problem with cannabis -which i knew about, but have always been supportive of his efforts to stop, and have always remained hopeful that he would. all my hope is going. not just for that but for absolutely everything. he spends hundreds of ££'s a month on his addictions (this has become very obvious since i went on maternity leave and am unable to plug financial gaps).

i feel i am treading a very fine line at the moment and am not sure if all this is making me depressed.

i am so sad for dd. she is a lovely, bright baby and he is so detached from everything that he shows very little interest in her - not because he isn't interested, but because he is absolutely full of self loathing and anger.

He has stopped eating and has lost lots of weight. he won't eat anything i make because my food is 'shite'. he had developed control issues to the point of neurosis which means he wants to do everything himself, meaning he spends even less time with dd. at a rough estimate i would say he takes sole responsibility of her for less than 30 mins each day.

He ignored my 30th birthday in favour of buying and smoking cannabis -and completely ignored valentines day too. since then i have not kept quiet to keep the peace but have been responding to his criticisms and actually wrote him a long letter outlining my fears (that his behaving this way is making me depressed and is putting everything at serious risk). He broke down and confessed to the codeine addiction and is now getting drug counselling.

i don't want to sound like a complete wet rag, but he is not a wicked person. i know this behaviour stems from him being deeply unhappy and confused about his parents messy separation when he was a child (he has a deep mistrust of women and i have put myself right in his firing line for becoming a 'mother' i think). i am finding it harder and harder to see him. i miss him so much. it is like he is just slipping away right in front of my eyes and there is nothing i can do. he won't let me help.

Today he told me he hates me for getting pregnant and trapping him. i have devastated his life by doing it. dd was not planned and he says he has no trust for me as a result. He is lived that we didn't discuss an abortion (at the time I said it was something i could not do).

Please help, I do not know what to do.

Sorry, long. (am a namechanger btw)

OP posts:

slim22 · 27/04/2008 22:24

See HE said it. "you are being controlling"
Of course, you are the one shoving the drugs into him.......

ItsGrimUpNorth · 27/04/2008 22:25

He's messed up. You can't work out what's going on in his head. I wouldn't bother trying because it'll change all the time to suit him. You're not controlling. You're just trying to cope with being a new mum and living with a completely unsupportive and yes, abusive partner.

cadelaide · 27/04/2008 22:25

"I want to help him so much".

VUC, it's very unlikely that you can. He has to help himself. I've been in a similar situation (xp suffers from a mental illness) and I found it incredibly hard to leave. It was a very long, drawn out separation, but i have no doubt it was the right thing to do.

The way I saw it, in the end, was either we both go down or he goes down alone. How harsh that sounds! But I knew I wasn't someone that could spend my life as a carer, and you have your child to think of too.

It was my GP that helped in the end. He said, quite simply, " Why do you think you're responsiblefor his happiness?".

Good Luck VUC.

Original poster

veryunhappychappy · 27/04/2008 22:25

i do have a fantastic family and some dear friends. i have only talked to one friend about it, but not in entirety. she's very good and not judgmental which is helpful.

we have worked so hard to get our new house and set everything up before dd arrived. it is crucifying me to watch everything go wrong.

OP posts:

SmugColditz · 27/04/2008 22:25

You have not failed.

You have been failed.

He has been using you. He has been using your strength as a prop.

Do you want it to get to the point that he screams at your daughter that he wishes you had had an abortion?

Do you want to be posting here in 20 years time, about a daughter who hates you for not leaving when you could have salvaged her relationship with him?

You cannot make him be the man you want and need, all you can do is save yourself.

You are not responsible for his actions. He treats you badly because he hasn't yet found a reason not to. If you don't give him a reason not to treat you badly, he will never ever stop.

I know you don't want to be the dreaded Single Mother. But what kind of life are you living now?

He could be helped, if he wanted to be helped. He could move in with his family and get all the help he needs.

Instead he is CHOOSING to stay and abuse the mother of his baby.

He is CHOOSING to treat you like this. Just because it isn't a rational choice doesn't mean you have to sit and take it. By all means feel sorry for him but please stop enabling him to behave this way.

TheHedgeWitch · 27/04/2008 22:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

snowleopard · 27/04/2008 22:26

And it's not your job to work out what's in his head. What's in there is a mess that only a professional therapist can untangle. As for telling you you're controlling - someone in this state will blame you in any way they can. Think about all the abusive things he's said to you. I think we can agree that in general, he talks shite.

"You're controlling" simply means "I am sensing that you are on the verge of deciding not to keep enabling me and it scares the shit out of me".

slim22 · 27/04/2008 22:26

Listen, it is "just" cannabis and codeine so he is far from beyond help. Please please please get it now and save your family.

splishsplosh · 27/04/2008 22:34

He says you're controlling... abusive people twist things round and make out it's all your fault, you are responsible for everything that's gone wrong, and you are the problem. In the end you start to doubt yourself.

Be strong. Take control of your future, don't let it be determined by his issues

Original poster

veryunhappychappy · 27/04/2008 22:35

he said today that he was sure i would have been telling my family all about it and i said no - i had kept a happy face on through all these months of his bullying, and he was horrified that i called him a bully. he has actually looked dreadful today. chalk white.

i don't think he has realised the full extent of his behaviour at times.

OP posts:

Original poster

veryunhappychappy · 27/04/2008 22:36

i can't stop crying. he loves dd so much -he takes her out to listen to the birds every night before bed. her face lights up when she sees him.

OP posts:

lilyloo · 27/04/2008 22:39

and at the moment he isn't capable of maintaining that type of loving relationship with her so never let her know anything other than that. Get some space between you before their relationship becomes like yours.

SmugColditz · 27/04/2008 22:40

And he can still hold her while she listens to birds, without shouting at you that he wishes you had had an abortion and that you have devastated his life.

Ohhh I am going to dig up some of my old threads for you.

LyraSilvertongue · 27/04/2008 22:40

You say he loves dd but you also said he shows little interest in her, and wanted an abortion. That can't be good for her.

splishsplosh · 27/04/2008 22:41

But if you stay, and his behaviour continues, and begins to make you feel more and more unhappy / stressed etc... it will affect your dd, and she may not always be so delighted to see him.

You're more likely to preserve their relationship by leaving and him having access

Original poster

veryunhappychappy · 27/04/2008 22:46

i keep thinking there must be some other option i can use that will help things, rather than splitting us all up.

OP posts:

MilkMonitor · 27/04/2008 22:49

Nope. There isn't another way.

Stay with him then. It won't get any better though.

snowleopard · 27/04/2008 22:50

If you keep enabling this -
a) It won't get better, and it will almost certainly get a lot worse.
b) You will probably split up eventually, but only when it's gone too far to ever be fixed.

If you take a firm stance now, he may be able to get the help he actually really needs - professional help - and take responsibility for this and become the father and partner he needs to be, one day. (Though it can take time.)

Original poster

veryunhappychappy · 27/04/2008 22:57

I want to support him to go through this counselling, and i'm relieved he has sought it at last. i knew this would mean bracing myself as i am closest in his line of fire.

am i being completely naive to think/hope that the further he goes in these sessions means the more clearly he will be able to see everything?

i'm not convinced that my just walking out on him at this point is going to help matters. i really don't want to completely destroy him. i desperately want to support him and be there for him - for all of our sakes.

OP posts:

LyraSilvertongue · 27/04/2008 23:00

Has he started the counselling yet?
I don't understand why you're so loyal to him when he's evil to you. Could it be that he's started to destroy your self-esteem too.

splishsplosh · 27/04/2008 23:04

You aren't responsible for him, but you are responsible for yourself and dd. Do you want to try and look after him at the expense of you and dd?

You can still be supportive without living with him. It's great he's seeking help, but it's not a magic instant solution.

snowleopard · 27/04/2008 23:06

Please think about getting that book I suggested VUC. You will see that you can be supportive without being on hand to be abused. And you can be far, far more help by putting yourself (and DD) first than you can any other way.

wrinklytum · 27/04/2008 23:07

Sometimes it takes getting to the lowest point for people to turn their life around.It might totally make him take stock of his life and start to wise up if you did leave.

SmugColditz · 27/04/2008 23:09

here

Original poster

veryunhappychappy · 27/04/2008 23:09

yes, he has been to two meetings so far. i think it has been quite cathartic for him.

i'm loyal to him because i love him dearly - he is not well and i don't want to abandon him without making every effort in my power to help him get better.

we discussed separating today very seriously. i don't think either of us really wants that though.

he said he can't trust me because he thinks i got pregnant deliberately.

i forgot to take my pill when we went away for 4 days last year and that's when we conceived dd so it is my fault, but i am so angry with him for trying to punish me for it continuously. she is the most beautiful, wonderful baby.

i have confirmed all his stereotypes of using, deceitful women and i think he is very hurt by that. On top of the drugs it's a really horrible combination.

OP posts:

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