my dp has told me he hates me for getting pregnant and having our dd

[veryunhappychappy]

I am devastated.

Everything is crumbling around me and I do not know what to do. dd is 5 months old today and since she was 4 weeks old he has been viciously nasty to me, very critical, scathing comments every time i speak/ do anything. he is unwelcoming to my friends and family and pretty controlling at times. i feel totally paralysed by him and it's at the point where i do nothing but try and stay out of his way when he is at home.

i found out about a month ago he has a codeine addiction, on top of a problem with cannabis -which i knew about, but have always been supportive of his efforts to stop, and have always remained hopeful that he would. all my hope is going. not just for that but for absolutely everything. he spends hundreds of ££'s a month on his addictions (this has become very obvious since i went on maternity leave and am unable to plug financial gaps).

i feel i am treading a very fine line at the moment and am not sure if all this is making me depressed.

i am so sad for dd. she is a lovely, bright baby and he is so detached from everything that he shows very little interest in her - not because he isn't interested, but because he is absolutely full of self loathing and anger.

He has stopped eating and has lost lots of weight. he won't eat anything i make because my food is 'shite'. he had developed control issues to the point of neurosis which means he wants to do everything himself, meaning he spends even less time with dd. at a rough estimate i would say he takes sole responsibility of her for less than 30 mins each day.

He ignored my 30th birthday in favour of buying and smoking cannabis -and completely ignored valentines day too. since then i have not kept quiet to keep the peace but have been responding to his criticisms and actually wrote him a long letter outlining my fears (that his behaving this way is making me depressed and is putting everything at serious risk). He broke down and confessed to the codeine addiction and is now getting drug counselling.

i don't want to sound like a complete wet rag, but he is not a wicked person. i know this behaviour stems from him being deeply unhappy and confused about his parents messy separation when he was a child (he has a deep mistrust of women and i have put myself right in his firing line for becoming a 'mother' i think). i am finding it harder and harder to see him. i miss him so much. it is like he is just slipping away right in front of my eyes and there is nothing i can do. he won't let me help.

Today he told me he hates me for getting pregnant and trapping him. i have devastated his life by doing it. dd was not planned and he says he has no trust for me as a result. He is lived that we didn't discuss an abortion (at the time I said it was something i could not do).

Please help, I do not know what to do.

Sorry, long. (am a namechanger btw)

speak to these fantastically non judgemental people

Have you got somewhere to go ?

Does he even contemplate the possibility that he's a drug addict and needs rehab?

Are you and him lucid about the fact that he is not thinking straight, not acting straight (even when sober) because his habit is clouding his judgement? He's in full escapism mode.

Do you both realise this is not going to sort itself out?

Sorry to be so blunt be he knows what his problem is, you seem very level headed and conscious of the underlying issues, yet you are both just sinking deeper.

Sorry to be so blunt but he needs rehab, you and your DD need nurturing. Go to your mother's and make him clean up. You are not responsible in any way for his problems/insecurities/paranoia. His drug habit is.

Him? Him? What about your daughter? What about you? Please start putting yourself and your child first. He has learn to do the same or lose you. He sounds narcissistic.

No-one's looking after him? How old is your husband? Five? Nobody needs to look after him, he's doing plenty of that himself.

he loves dd, i am not worried about that - i am just scared for his relationship with her.

i don't want her to see us like this. i am so tired and stressed i have been biting back for the last couple of months which hasn't helped.

he is ill. he went to the doctor but the doc was not helpful. i'm going to suggest he goes again.

he doesn't have any friends. his family are supporting him and i suggested he go and stay with them today.for the reasons you have given snowleapord.

christ. it is such a mess. i am completely devastated. i can't forget some of the things he has said to me.

veryunhappy guessing this is very hard for you as i am sure all our concerns are what you know deep down !

i actually feel completely physically and mentally exhausted by it all. i am trying to keep us all together but i can't do it alone.

I like colditz's idea of a time limit - give him a fortnight to either get some proper help or leave. For the sake of dd it would be best if you could keep some kind of relationship with him, even if you don't live together, but you can only do that if he sorts himself out. And fast. You've already taken enough crap from him. Don't take any more.

whilst you are together his relationship with her isn't good. If you have some time apart and he seeks help and things improve then dd won't need to know. If you stay things could get worse and he may do things he regrets. What help are 'you' getting ?

Agree you should not leave your daughter alone with him.

And also don't let it fester until he becomes openly violent. Sorry to say, but it's often just the next step in the sort of egomania.

We obviously don't have the full picture. He might be a lovely man and you sound like you love him dearly. But he is not himself.
It's hard enough for most of us dealing with deep rooted parental insecurities like his without adding a big layer of paranoia to it with the drugs.

There is no way around it. you have got to walk out and make him grow up.

Yes you need help too. Having a serious break from him will help (though I know it's a loss for you, the stress is very hard to bear). Could you also arrange to see a counsellor, as well as leaning on your own family - and/or see the GP about whether you might be depressed too (it wouldn't be surprising).

Meanwhile this is a great book:
How You Can Survive When They're Depressed

I agree you sound as if you have the measure of him, and you sound strong and sensible. This is just wearing you down and you need to know how to let him go and deal with this himself.

You should not be expected to do this alone. You say his parents are supportive.

Any way you can sit with them and come with a plan. Stand united and force his hand?

"i am trying to keep us all together "

But why? It's not benefitting anyone. Not him, and certainly not you or your DD. It's not your mission to save this man but you are a mum and you have to protect your daughter.

Stop thinking about HIM and think about your daughter and yourself.

Can you see the tshirt I am wearing? It says across it 'been there and done that' and stupidly still am.

Get your stuff, get your DD, find somewhere to go and run like the damn wind. Never look back and never regret doing it.

You cant parent him or change the way he was parented - it is done. No amount of love and affection from you will ever change him.

slim, yes, i'm lucid about the fact that everything will be all twisted up in his head. his mother talks to him a lot but she doesn't really discuss with me out of loyalty to him- i have had a couple of conversations with her but not what you would call 'open'. i think this is part of the larger problem.

his father's family are very supportive.

i have tried to force a change. he is not himself. he will be hating himself for this.

i know i sound like some sort of idiot but i don't want to leave him. he is not in a good place. he has been to the doctors and has got counselling - he managed to jump a long waiting list by phoning and phoning so i know he wants to get better.

That doesn't mean you can help. In fact, you can help by walking away and saying you won't be treated like this. Really.

But that is not as important as the fact that you cannot let yourself and DD be treated like this because it is extremely damaging.

i can't do that shabster - he's dd's daddy and i can't just disappear and cut him out of her life. they love each other -it's plain to see. it's me he 'hates'.

i know there's a reasonable probability that we will end up seperating but i don't want to do that to him or to her.

You are looking after him. You are staying in the relationship & desperately trying to help him...

...& he won't change so long as you do.

Sorry, but I've also 'been there done that'

You have to take your dd & leave. Or, better, make him leave. If PIL are supportive, can they take him in for a bit? It's possible that losing you & dd will make him address his addictions.

It's a bleak message but I don't think there's any way of softening it: by staying with him you're enabling him.

But he is an adult your dd is a child and has no choice, leaving may be the best thing you can do for all of you. I know it's not what you want to hear !

snowleapord - i am trying to make a stand. i'm trying to be kind to him too though. i am very worried about his state of mind atm, and although i hate what he is doing, i still miss him and what we had before this got out of control.

i have said i can't live like this any more. i spent a couple of nights at my parents this week and just getting away from it all for a couple of days was like some sort of epiphany.

"he will be hating himself for this."

Actually I expect he is thoroughly enjoying being the centre of your attention again, having you running aroung worrying about HIM and trying to sort out HIS problems while he abuses you and your daughter.

Youknow, you have a choice, Your daughter doesn't.

Is this what you want for her when she grows up? A relationship which is spent pandering to and mollycoddling an abusive man?

Have only read the OP - you need to get out nothappychappy. Its one thing taking this yourself. But you can't let your beautiful daughter grow up thinking this is normal, acceptable behaviour. You do seem to have alot of compassion for him, but don't let that confuse you about the life that you and your daughter deserve.

Regarding you getting pregnant and ruining his life - then he should have kept it in his trousers! You didn't magic the baby up from thin air.

He needs to grow up and get some help. Yes, you can support him. but letting him treat you in this way is not the kind of support that he needs. It is toxic - I think you know that. Can you go and stay with your mum or a friend or someone while you sort out a permanent move??

P.S. I have a friend who a very similar thing happened to - it was not drugs but mental health related. She left him in the end, and the main driver was her son. He was being ignored, and she could not bear to allow him to see her being treated like that, in the fear that he would grow up believing it is acceptable. It was a hard move, but definatly the right one.

Good luck - you can do this for yourself and your beautiful baby.

He needs to understand that he cannot be around his DD when he is showing abusive, destructive behaviour - even if it is aimed at you and not her, it is damaging her. Unless he matters to you more than she does, which I doubt, you take her away. You can consider him being a father to her when he can act like one.

It is painful to tear yourself away, I know that. But it has to be done.

Ok.

Stay with him then.

Reinforce his idea that you are a worthless piece of flotsam who deserves nothing more than to be verbally assaulted. Let him dish the abuse. Sit and take it.

Then, when your daughter brings home a man who is controlling, vicious, spiteful and verbally abusive, at least you'll know why she won't leave him. It will be because that is what a marriage is, to her.

Yes, I am being very harsh. But I speak as someone who strongly suspects that I seek out men that control me and hit me because that's what my dad did.

And just because he loves her, doesn't mean he won't tear a strip off her as soon as she can talk. Do you want her to make sure she gets a damn good look at Daddy;s face before she tells him what she's done at school, just to make sure she doesn't get the dressing down he feels she deserves?

He loves you too. He loves you both. men who abuse are often very loving people ... they bloody need to be, or they'd be left immediately.