my dp has told me he hates me for getting pregnant and having our dd

[veryunhappychappy]

I am devastated.

Everything is crumbling around me and I do not know what to do. dd is 5 months old today and since she was 4 weeks old he has been viciously nasty to me, very critical, scathing comments every time i speak/ do anything. he is unwelcoming to my friends and family and pretty controlling at times. i feel totally paralysed by him and it's at the point where i do nothing but try and stay out of his way when he is at home.

i found out about a month ago he has a codeine addiction, on top of a problem with cannabis -which i knew about, but have always been supportive of his efforts to stop, and have always remained hopeful that he would. all my hope is going. not just for that but for absolutely everything. he spends hundreds of ££'s a month on his addictions (this has become very obvious since i went on maternity leave and am unable to plug financial gaps).

i feel i am treading a very fine line at the moment and am not sure if all this is making me depressed.

i am so sad for dd. she is a lovely, bright baby and he is so detached from everything that he shows very little interest in her - not because he isn't interested, but because he is absolutely full of self loathing and anger.

He has stopped eating and has lost lots of weight. he won't eat anything i make because my food is 'shite'. he had developed control issues to the point of neurosis which means he wants to do everything himself, meaning he spends even less time with dd. at a rough estimate i would say he takes sole responsibility of her for less than 30 mins each day.

He ignored my 30th birthday in favour of buying and smoking cannabis -and completely ignored valentines day too. since then i have not kept quiet to keep the peace but have been responding to his criticisms and actually wrote him a long letter outlining my fears (that his behaving this way is making me depressed and is putting everything at serious risk). He broke down and confessed to the codeine addiction and is now getting drug counselling.

i don't want to sound like a complete wet rag, but he is not a wicked person. i know this behaviour stems from him being deeply unhappy and confused about his parents messy separation when he was a child (he has a deep mistrust of women and i have put myself right in his firing line for becoming a 'mother' i think). i am finding it harder and harder to see him. i miss him so much. it is like he is just slipping away right in front of my eyes and there is nothing i can do. he won't let me help.

Today he told me he hates me for getting pregnant and trapping him. i have devastated his life by doing it. dd was not planned and he says he has no trust for me as a result. He is lived that we didn't discuss an abortion (at the time I said it was something i could not do).

Please help, I do not know what to do.

Sorry, long. (am a namechanger btw)

Has he had any help from your local drug team ? GP's struggle to treat codeine addiction - but a drug service should be able to prescribe an opiate substitute like subutex, which he could pick up daily from a pharmacy and reduce gradually ( It also blocks the effect of ilicit opiates - making it unworthwhile taking them.).

I have been where you are. I have been abusied , lied to, had our family finances decimated by drug addictions, I have watched my children be abused emotionally by their paranoid abusiv efather

and I wondered where the man I married had gone.

I have 3 children.

In the end I left. I had too.

and you know what. he did go on a huge drug binge and behave disgustinglly and then he hit rock bottom. and he slowly slowly turned it round.

he is at home again now. and much much better, he is calm and loving to the children. Its not easy but we have a chance now. I could not do that for him. he had to do it for and by himself.

feel free to cat me. I wont judge, I know how hard it is, but( and I havnt even read her posts) Attila is right.

good luck

lst

ps you will find support on the addicts thread if you need it x

'he said he didn't hate me this morning -he said he loved me

'he doesn't treat dd badly at all - only me'

veryunhappy we can't make the decision for you but those two sentences there must make you think. DDis his daughter and you are greatful he doesn't treat her badly , for now, and that it's only you

I think you have been doing this for so long you can't see how damaging his behaviour really is, if you really loved him and dd you would leave for both theirs and your sake. Things cannot begin to improve until you do.

i ope you told him that he didn't wrap his dick properly

dickhead

You poor love.
He sounds very troubled.
No advice really, just hope that everything gets better soon

custy it was my fault. i didn't pack my pill when we went away for four days last year and stupidly thought it would be okay.

i can't be punished forever for it though.

i do love both him and dd - very much. i nearly walked away from it all yesterday. he is not wicked - he is very very unwell. the things he is saying and doing are irrational and aren't reflective of what's underneath all of this. he's a kind and loving person but i am losing my focus on that. i know it must seem like a cut and dry decision that i have to make to many of you but i need to stay and try before i leave. if i get to that stage we are completely over.

lst - thanks for your post. i have read your thread a couple of times before but it has been hard to read everyone posting things that i honestly could have written when i was still trying to maintain the fiction of coping with it all. i don't have CAT i'm afraid otherwise i would write to you.

i don't really know what i want from this. i know i am being weak/ a doormat / blind etc etc etc etc.....i'm not guilty of not thinking of dd though. she is the reason i can't live with it anymore and am pushing to change things. i don't believe there is only one way to do that (ie leave) and am trying hard to deal with this by helping him get over this.

"i didn't pack my pill when we went away for four days last year"

I assume he was aware of this, yet STILL decided to have sex with you and take that risk? Now YOU have to take all the pain & hate from him because he couldn't keep it in his trousers/use a condom for 4 days!?

Regardless of that tho, it takes 2 to make a baby & if he was that adamant that he didn't want children, he should have been more active in preventing it!

Leave him. Whether all this hideous behaviour is because of his drug addiction or because he is a very nasty, immature person - only time will tell. In the meantime - get the hell out. This isn't good for you or your child, and will only get worse.

i think you have made your choice that you aren't going to leave then vhc.
But what can you do differently to 'help him get over this'. from what it sounds you have been doing this already ? No ?
Why do you think it would be completely over if you left ? Could you not just go and stay with someone for a short period of time to give him the opportunity to work things out. You could still go round, take dd, and help him this way ? Then when things begin to improve you could return but this time with ground rules.

Oh for goodness sake.
Did he know you forgot your pill? If so, he's as responsible as you are.
He's abusing you. He may not be directly abusing DD yet, but by having the attitude that she was a mistake, a trap, and unwanted, she will learn that and internalise it.
It doesn't matter how much you love the 'real him' (which is probably a fiction, the real him is more likely somewhere between the 'lovely' man you remember and the horror he is now) you are hurting your daughter, yourself and him, in that order of priority.
Nobody is suggesting you cut all ties, stop contact or turn your back on the relationship forever. however, as long as you let this continue and refuse to leave you perpetuate the cycle of damage and abuse.
You can't fix him. You can love him, and love him from somewhere else. Take DD and stay elsewhere. Talk to him. Talk and talk, and don't go back until some progress is being made. As others have said he will probably get worse before he gets better and don't take that as a sign you need to go back to him. He has to work this out for himself, with your love and support if you want to give it, but from outside of this situation.
Good luck.

no he didn't - it is my fault. i take responsibility for that.

You need to leave TEMPORARILY no one is saying the relationship will never be a good valid one but atm he is abusing you and by doing that is mistreating your daughter too.I know she is young but the atmosphere will feed through to her and your sadness will affect her.He is an adult with a health issue but he needs to sort himself out and you cannot be expected to take on his issues when he is so unreasonable.Even 3 months apart could give you and him such clarity.

Also, ime, I would say that if you stay you are likely to stop loving him in the end, because I don't believe love can endure abuse. You will probably end up hating him, and your relationship will deteriorate further. Leaving will be more likely to preserve the affection you still have for him which will make it easier for dd

Untrap him. Leave him. Then he can stop complaining about how your forgetting the take the pill has ruined his life.

Think of your daughter. You're a mother now. She comes first. She needs you not to expose her to abuse.

He has been nice to me tonight (of course he has...). Perhaps some of what i said yesterday went in. It's the first time he has pulled back for months so although part of me is sceptical, part of me is encouraged.

He asked me why I didn't come to bed last night and i said i just didn't want to be there.

Splishsplosh - you are right and in a way that is what i am most afraid of.

It's a mess. I'm still clinging to shreds of hope though. I can't help myself.

Isnt is amazing how weak we women are, and naive and how we let "love" cloud our judgement so.

How many of the great women on this site would have had good childhood memories if only their mothers had the strenght to leave abusive men? It is so sad.

I am not surprised he is a little nicer now. He is probably worried you will leave. He cant risk that, so he is changing ever so slightly. Manipulative, that is what it is called in the universe of the self centred abusive male.

It is actually the first time I have read a thread and been convinced in my heart that leaving is the only good thing to do.

A shame you want to continue to be a doormat to a man who cant be helped by anybody else than himself and the realization you are actually gone.

I don't want to be a doormat. I actually feel sick about the way things have become, and angry with him -and with myself for pasting over it for so long in the hope it would just 'get better'.

I'm trying to tackle it head on -in my own way- by talking first.

I am not a weak or stupid person. My self respect has definitely been dented by this and i think it has actually made me feel very depressed, but i feel i have turned a corner in my head which must be a good start.

I will not be moaning about this in six months time because if things do not change then i will end our relationship. i don't want to do this immediately as he has only just admitted the full extent of his problems and has only just started to address them.

Am i wrong in thinking i should at least give him the chance to try and sort things out before just walking away?

I think the thing is that if you left now, you might be able to salvage a relationship later if he does sort himself out.

The risk if you stay is that he won't change, and think of the damage that can be done in that time.

The problem with addicts seems to be their manipulative behaviour. To feed addiction, and keep it secret, they have to lie and deceive - I guess it's all about their survival, to twist things round, to blame you for everything, instead of taking responsibility.

As someone said, he's being nicer now he feels his security is being threatened, but that does sound like typical abusive behaviour. If they were horrible all the time, you'd go. But by being nice in between, it keeps you hooked in, and gives you hope.

I haven't got a crystal ball, perhaps he's the man in a million who can change while things stay the same around him, but it's not likely. Change will be hard, and if you stick around, he has hope that he doesn't really have to change.

If you do decide to stay, and it sounds like you've made that choice, then decide on some boundaries on what you will / will not accept, and make this clear to him, and maybe have a shorter timescale in mind.

EG, you'll go in a month if he doesn't attend all his counselling sessions / speaks abusively to you etc etc. And stick by it.

I really feel for you x

Thank you - that post is going 'in'.

I can see the logic of a shock, and that leaving him would perhaps give him that at least, but it's really not my style...i'm a talker and a tryer i suppose, and until i have reached the absolute end of my tether (and believe me i am very close) i don't want to just walk out. if i did so, it would be a 'strategy' of sorts as i don't genuinely want to leave the relationship yet.

i don't want to use dd as leverage either. he is having trouble relating to her as he is so 'switched off' inside. ironically, when is with her his fear of failing as a father is almost palpable. it is this that is perpetuating his drug use i think. i am not convinced that the solution to this is just to go.

I have no doubt that he will attend all of these sessions - apparently they are available to me also so perhaps i should go along. not how i would normally deal with a problem but, then again, this isn't a 'normal' problem.

You should go. Maybe then you will see how unbalanced your relationship really is. I remember the counsellor saying to me 'so really your a mother of seven children, including him, not six'. I think you should go. It cannot possibly hurt, unless you don't want to hear what they have to say, which is always a scary thought.

And, by thinking you don't need to go to the counsellor too, you are basically saying that you don't see yourself as part of the problem. Unkind as it may sound, I can promise you that you are. If you want this relationship to work - you must change too. You MUST or it will linger horribly, perhaps for several more years, and then it WILL die. Trust all of us who have been there before you and know this of a certainty.

Please please go to counselling too. It's very important. If you want to help him, you will do this.

Oh, holy moly, I think I misread your post Deepest apologies, but please go too. It really will help.