my dp has told me he hates me for getting pregnant and having our dd

[veryunhappychappy]

I am devastated.

Everything is crumbling around me and I do not know what to do. dd is 5 months old today and since she was 4 weeks old he has been viciously nasty to me, very critical, scathing comments every time i speak/ do anything. he is unwelcoming to my friends and family and pretty controlling at times. i feel totally paralysed by him and it's at the point where i do nothing but try and stay out of his way when he is at home.

i found out about a month ago he has a codeine addiction, on top of a problem with cannabis -which i knew about, but have always been supportive of his efforts to stop, and have always remained hopeful that he would. all my hope is going. not just for that but for absolutely everything. he spends hundreds of ££'s a month on his addictions (this has become very obvious since i went on maternity leave and am unable to plug financial gaps).

i feel i am treading a very fine line at the moment and am not sure if all this is making me depressed.

i am so sad for dd. she is a lovely, bright baby and he is so detached from everything that he shows very little interest in her - not because he isn't interested, but because he is absolutely full of self loathing and anger.

He has stopped eating and has lost lots of weight. he won't eat anything i make because my food is 'shite'. he had developed control issues to the point of neurosis which means he wants to do everything himself, meaning he spends even less time with dd. at a rough estimate i would say he takes sole responsibility of her for less than 30 mins each day.

He ignored my 30th birthday in favour of buying and smoking cannabis -and completely ignored valentines day too. since then i have not kept quiet to keep the peace but have been responding to his criticisms and actually wrote him a long letter outlining my fears (that his behaving this way is making me depressed and is putting everything at serious risk). He broke down and confessed to the codeine addiction and is now getting drug counselling.

i don't want to sound like a complete wet rag, but he is not a wicked person. i know this behaviour stems from him being deeply unhappy and confused about his parents messy separation when he was a child (he has a deep mistrust of women and i have put myself right in his firing line for becoming a 'mother' i think). i am finding it harder and harder to see him. i miss him so much. it is like he is just slipping away right in front of my eyes and there is nothing i can do. he won't let me help.

Today he told me he hates me for getting pregnant and trapping him. i have devastated his life by doing it. dd was not planned and he says he has no trust for me as a result. He is lived that we didn't discuss an abortion (at the time I said it was something i could not do).

Please help, I do not know what to do.

Sorry, long. (am a namechanger btw)

I think it might be a good idea to CAT the guy who has personal experience of this situation on this thread tbh.

Lots of people have given their views and personal experiences of living with various levels of abuse and you have had a lot of advice, but almost 200 posts are not supportive of your decision and you surely cannot be getting support any longer from this thread (other than the male poster)

I doubt you're going to do anything other than justify your decision to strangers on this thread.

That's my own personal take on it & I won't post anymore. Good luck.

Many people here (OP included) seem to think that because DP is nice to DD (except when he's out of it and 'detached') he is not abusing or damaging her. Abuse is not only physical or sexual. It can be emotional abuse, which can include witnessing DV, witnessing shouting arguments, hearing and seeing emotional abuse of a parent, being exposed to age-inappropriate experiences, being made to feel worthless, inferior or unwanted. DD is at risk of that NOW. The first two years of a child's life shape how they relate and attach to others in the future, and damage can be done then that is never undone.
Just because he's not hitting DD or interfering with her doesn't mean he's not damaging her.

Sorry to be so harsh.

I give up.

I'm speaking from experience as well and fwiw I think Newnametopost is minismising the impact of emotional abuse.

My ex behaved like this and blamed it on the fact I'd 'taken away his choices' when actually he had agreed to sleep with me knowing full well we might conceive - it was only after we did, that he changed his tack, and launched into a campaign of 'angry wankerism' which was both traumatic and abusive for all concerned (except I suppose himself).
My elder son witnessed this. I got out after 8 months, when I was 3 months pregnant.

It was my only option. He pleaded, blamed the anger on his own father, on his son fgs (much older, from a previous rel) and on my 'taking his choices away' by not wanting an abortion.

I didn't give him the chance to fuck around with me and my son any more because he had no real evidence that he had changed. I was already scarred by his abuse. My child was as well.

So don't give me that about 'he is being an angry wanker but nobody is being harmed'.

Ask my child who has nightmares about the things that happened, the atmosphere when this man was around us. he never hit me but he might as well have done.

Sorry, that is not directed at you, VUC. I can't stand to see emotional abuse exonerated by (ex)perpetrators.

Hi VUC, I would like to offer you my support as I too have come through the other side. I really would like to discuss it with you including answering some of the questions you have, but I don't feel comfortable discussing details on here for fear of being flamed. I am sure those who do have actual experience remember being told by loved-ones to 'get-out' but ultimately it is your decision. You are not stupid etc for staying and i think i understand why you felt the need to start this thread. I think you wanted that shoulder that mner's so often provide, but i don't really think you need to be judged right now. of course emotional abuse is just as bad as other forms, but you said dd is 5 months (?) so taking a couple of weeks or a month to make life-changing decisions is not unreasonable. I'm sure that as her mother you would immediately remove her from any situation where she may be at risk. Talk to Frank are great supporters in these situations and will openly answer any questions you have regarding your dh's use of any substance (e.g. how long it takes for the drug to leave your body/whether his dependency on cannabis addiction is a physical or emotional) but equally i am happy to answer these questions for you, outside of mn. take care vuc x

Fllight ... nowhere did I seek to exonerate VUC's partner. I said he has to face up to his anger and deal with it - and without that nothing will change. And I owned up fully to my own atrocious behaviour. How that counts as exonerating I have no idea. All I wanted to say was that it might be alright (equally, it might not), when everyone was saying it can never be alright. You must surely accept that everyone's experience is different - you don't seem to be open to the possibility that VUC's experience might be different to yours and therefore she might want different things and see a different way to achieve them. If her partner doesn't change, then, yes, she should think hard about getting out. But for goodness sake, give them a chance to sort things out and be a family together, instead of demanding that the child grow up without its father.

newnametopost I don't think anyone is "demanding the child grow up without her father". Separating doesn't mean losing contact. I speak as someone with extensive personal exprience.

VUC of course you need to time to make a decision. And of course you are not weak or pathetic or any of those things. People are reacting strongly to this kind situation because they have been there and know how bad it can get and often concern comes out as exasperation...its hard to show howy ou feel on a talkboard.

Good luck to you and your DD, whatever you decide. I'm sure you will put her first.

'What I wanted was some acknowledgement that regardless of the fact that a) I had behaved unspeakably and b) I was destroying our marriage, it wasn't entirely my doing - that if you take someone's choices away, then they will react badly.'

Sorry if I came across as very angry myself there, Newname - I am, and it is about my own past situation. But this quote from you above does seem to be suggesting that it's Ok to be angry, difficult and surly if your 'choices are taken away from you' despite the fact that in your instance, you had chosen to let her conceive. This doesn't make sense to me. You could have resisted TTC if it had meant that much to you, or taken steps, well I won't go on but you can see what I am saying. How did she take away your choices exactly? Amnd I realise this is not the place to discuss your relationship, it's just why I reacted like I did to your post.

'Her partner is not harming her or their child. He's being an angry wanker, but no one is in danger.'

Again, how is emotional abuse and blatant anger not harmful?

I am sorry VUC, I am happy to leave it at that for the sake of a peaceful thread as I can see my own take on this kind of circumstance is not helpful to you right now. I just hate to see these kind of statements.
Sorry I will step away and while I will be back to read any counter argument from Newname, I wish to remain respectful of your decisions, so if I disagree again I will keep quiet.

One last quote, before I shut up:

'since she was 4 weeks old he has been viciously nasty to me, very critical, scathing comments every time i speak/ do anything. he is unwelcoming to my friends and family and pretty controlling at times. i feel totally paralysed by him and it's at the point where i do nothing but try and stay out of his way when he is at home.'

This isn't harmless. It's so not harmless.

I'm so sorry VUC. Really will quit now.

I couldn't see this without posting.

When I met my ds's dad he was 20. He cried to me about his childhood often. He was, and still is extremely fucked up because of it. His stepfather beat him, his mother hated him and his most vivid memory was of sitting on the wall outside his house waiting for a real father who never turned up.

I put up with all his mental abuse (and believe me, the man was cruel) because I felt sorry for him and believed that as soon as he knew he'd finally found someone who loved him, he would be ok.

I made him leave when ds was 18 months old and no-one has lived with me since. 9 years later I have one very fucked up child at the moment, who has only ever known a father who couldn't be arsed..a father who should have known better than to leave his son waiting on the wall. A father who has done exactly the same to the next child he had too.

My dd's dad used to sit and cry to me about the stillborn son he had with his ex. Then when I was 3 months pregnant he upped and left and had a baby with someone else. He has never even met our daughter.

Sympathy never got me anywhere as you see. I do not accept someone's rubbish past as an excuse to ruin another child's future. I myself had an awful childhood for reasons I wont go into, and maybe it has shaped the person I am in a less than positive way, but im damn sure i'll never do the same to my kids and there's the difference. I have never used my past as an excuse to treat people badly and I dont expect others to.

Whatever you decide please just think about that.

Thank you again everybody for your posts.

This situation is far from one-dimensional. So it's a shame that any other point of view other than 'get rid of him, he will never change, you can't love your dd enough, don't have the guts to leave' etc etc is being jumped on so quickly. I find the statement accusing me of conducting a 'social experiment' on my DD absolutely offensive to be frank.

That aside, I really appreciate everyones advice and am listening to all of it - with full awareness of the situation in reality. It's good to get other people's points of view and it is clear that some of the things i've posted about are close to some of you who have replied.

Some people are equipped to deal with anger and frustration in more positive ways than others. My DP has dealt with his in one of the worst ways - a way which has resulted in him behaving like someone he is not.

I'm finding it extraordinarily difficult to cope with -on Sunday when I wrote my first post we had a very bad day. Not shouting and bawling at one another - talking and crying. A lot of the things he said hurt me deeply but he was being honest about how he feels, and so was I.

LoopyLouLisa I would appreciate that - I don't have CAT though so not sure how. I feel sad that you can't post openly for fear of being jumped on and I'm hoping this thread doesn't go down that route. I can't be the only person trying to keep things together through trying times and not just walking out.

He knows he has a big problem and wants help to fix it. He is not a monster and I am not cowering in a corner - I am just finding it all very difficult to deal with, as anyone would. I don't think it's indefensible to want to try and save our family. I am not asking for approval from anybody but for advice - this is also a good place for me to get it all 'out'.

Newname, thank you, your posts are helping a lot as it sounds like you have been in a very similar position to my DP. I actually think he has become very depressed through all of this and that he is only beginning to understand what it has been doing to us. He is not able to take or leave a smoke - he needs it every day. He is addicted to it and has been for a long time. I used to think it was just habitual but it isn't.

VuC, I am sorry to have been perhaps pretty unhelpful and I appreciate you wanting to try and save the relationships/family in question. Also that you know the set up better than any of us here.
II am not suggesting you 'get out' at this point, though - just that perhaps the best chance of you all being happy in the long term, might be (and I could be wrong) giving him and you a temporary break from each other while he sorts out the problems you say he is aware of and wants to control.

Your being in the same place while this is being attempted might be counterproductive.

I hope that makes sense.
Hope you can find a way to the end result you want, he is lucky to have such a kind partner.

vuc (((hugs)))
I completely understand your trying to keep your family together and i think you have made the point that leaving isn't an option for you at the moment.
I fear that most people won't agree with your decision but that is your choice.
You now need to think how you can improve things for you and dd whilst dp is in this cycle of behaviour.
Have you spoken to him since Sunday ? Is he speaking to you ?
Maybe you need to think of a list of things that you want him to try and stick to. Maybe a date you will give him until to change.
I also think attending counselling with him may help you begin to understand his beahviour.
I cannot say i think you are doing the right thing but your love for him and dd is evident in your posts and from that you need to find a way forward for all of you.

Flight I really appreciate your posts - I like your posts generally in fact. You haven't been unhelpful -it's the directives which i'm finding pretty unconstructive.

I can take on board the fact that it might be best for us to be apart while this is sorted out because it is doing a lot of damage to our relationship - in fact on Sunday I did ask him to leave. I've been going away a couple of nights each week for the last few weeks and that is keeping me pretty lucid and helping me not to just 'sink'.

I have read and re-read everything i have written and can understand a lot of the posters -in fact i would probably feel the same way as a lot of you.

Do believe me that if we cannot sort this out things will have to change, but first we need to try and fix things for all of our sakes. I am thinking about all of us.

Lily, he made a big effort to chat to me and cuddle me last night -we need to have more serious talks and it will be hard but at least we have made a start.

vuc i hope he can change for yours and dd's sake he certainly doesn't deserve either of you at the moment. I hope in time he realises how lucky he has been to have a second chance !

is there a volunteer who has CAT and would mind passing my email address onto VUC? ta x

Thanks for your equanimity, I did allow my personal stuff to get me worked up, should have better boundaries
Good luck pet x

I thought I would come back to this thread and just give an update on the situation and how things have progressed. I truly appreciate the advice and straight talking earlier in the year and it actually helped me build some strength when I was dangerously close to having none.

Things were pretty terrible for about six weeks after I last posted, and then all of a sudden the smoking completely stopped which is fantastic. He hasn't even been tempted to start up again which is great. DP is on a codeine reduction scheme administered by a great gp at the local surgery and is still attending weekly drug counselling sessions. He did manage to cut his intake to 50%, but then had a bad accident and they increased the dose which means he's been set back a few steps.

Things are still hard in some ways -I feel so angry and let down by him, it is going to take an awful long time for me to build trust in him again. As far as I am concerned I am now fairly pragmatic about leaving unless he can beat this addiction. He is so much calmer than he was when I started this thread -he was almost unrecognisable at that point.

DD is doing really well, she is 10 months and is a very bright, confident perky girl.

So.....I will continue to update this now and again -it has been good to read through it this morning, reminds me we have come a long way and are going in the right direction

Have just read this thread, it is nice to see you sounding so positive compared to your OP.
I am glad that your DP is improving. I hope that life continues to get better.

thank you -there's a way to go, but things are so much better than they were. the main worry for me now is that i appear to have coped by just switching my feelings off, and am pretty mistrustful (comes with the territory of having been so badly let down i think..)-looking forward to being able to relax properly again.

quick bump for the evening crowd, in case any previous posters are online .

Not been on mumsnet long, just read your thread, i went through similar things 3 years ago my partner had a cocaine addiction, i left him and could take no more, i am now living with a wonderful man and have 1 year old twins, i really do hope things work out for you, but sometimes you have to say enough is enough for your own sanity and in the end your daughters, looking back now it is hard to believe, what i have with my new partner, glad i took the step, because i know it really is a hard step to take. I had been with partner for 13 years, and met at 18, by the time i was 29 we were both completely different people, dont try and save him, if that the path he has chosen.

Thanks kristawin, yes-i'm philosophical about this now. There's such a long way to go still, but I think we are getting there slowly. The hard part will be getting back something that resembles what we did have once. I am glad we are sticking at it for the time being, for DD's sake at least.

Haven't read all of the thread.

Your partner is a deeply damaged individual.

You love him and want to help and support him - understandable - but your DD is innocent in all of this and you both risk damaging her by subjecting her to all of this. Do you want to continue the cycle and let her grow up into someone with all the issues he has.

Harsh maybe, but you HAVE to put her first. You are the only safe thing she has, he has his family and professional help.

Counselling is not a cure all, it often gets worse before it gets better and he will continue using you as an emotional punch bag.

Leave, go to your family, he can still see his DD and bond with her.

Your leaving will probably do more good than staying as he will have to face up to what he has done to you. Otherwise he will think his behaviour is okay because you put up with it.

Please be strong and look at your daughter, are you seriously saying you will sacrifice her happiness for your partner. She doesn't deserve that and neither do you.

Thanks for your post Dragon -we actually did leave..only for a week, about three months ago. It did force a change in that he basically went cold turkey with the codeine. I don't want him to do that-it's medically very risky and needs to be properly managed, which is what he's doing now.

DD is doing great. I won't wait for any damage to show, and understand she is the one most at risk if he doesn't solve his problems.

She is my priority here, if we didn't have her I would probably have thrown the towel in long ago.