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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

my dp has told me he hates me for getting pregnant and having our dd

250 replies

veryunhappychappy · 27/04/2008 20:58

I am devastated.

Everything is crumbling around me and I do not know what to do. dd is 5 months old today and since she was 4 weeks old he has been viciously nasty to me, very critical, scathing comments every time i speak/ do anything. he is unwelcoming to my friends and family and pretty controlling at times. i feel totally paralysed by him and it's at the point where i do nothing but try and stay out of his way when he is at home.

i found out about a month ago he has a codeine addiction, on top of a problem with cannabis -which i knew about, but have always been supportive of his efforts to stop, and have always remained hopeful that he would. all my hope is going. not just for that but for absolutely everything. he spends hundreds of ££'s a month on his addictions (this has become very obvious since i went on maternity leave and am unable to plug financial gaps).

i feel i am treading a very fine line at the moment and am not sure if all this is making me depressed.

i am so sad for dd. she is a lovely, bright baby and he is so detached from everything that he shows very little interest in her - not because he isn't interested, but because he is absolutely full of self loathing and anger.

He has stopped eating and has lost lots of weight. he won't eat anything i make because my food is 'shite'. he had developed control issues to the point of neurosis which means he wants to do everything himself, meaning he spends even less time with dd. at a rough estimate i would say he takes sole responsibility of her for less than 30 mins each day.

He ignored my 30th birthday in favour of buying and smoking cannabis -and completely ignored valentines day too. since then i have not kept quiet to keep the peace but have been responding to his criticisms and actually wrote him a long letter outlining my fears (that his behaving this way is making me depressed and is putting everything at serious risk). He broke down and confessed to the codeine addiction and is now getting drug counselling.

i don't want to sound like a complete wet rag, but he is not a wicked person. i know this behaviour stems from him being deeply unhappy and confused about his parents messy separation when he was a child (he has a deep mistrust of women and i have put myself right in his firing line for becoming a 'mother' i think). i am finding it harder and harder to see him. i miss him so much. it is like he is just slipping away right in front of my eyes and there is nothing i can do. he won't let me help.

Today he told me he hates me for getting pregnant and trapping him. i have devastated his life by doing it. dd was not planned and he says he has no trust for me as a result. He is lived that we didn't discuss an abortion (at the time I said it was something i could not do).

Please help, I do not know what to do.

Sorry, long. (am a namechanger btw)

OP posts:
Original poster
veryunhappychappy · 27/04/2008 22:06

raven, yes, i have kept quiet about his decline for months and realise that has only been helping him continue to get into a mess. i said that to him in my letter.

i think the way i see it is that if I were to get into such a state, i wouldn't want him to leave me like that.

I love him dearly and it is so hard to watch him struggling like this.

i know what you are all saying is right, and it's nothing i haven't been over myself time and time again. i just don't want to leave.

i suggested he stayed with his folks for a while but he said no.

OP posts:
Original poster
veryunhappychappy · 27/04/2008 22:07

raven, yes, i have kept quiet about his decline for months and realise that has only been helping him continue to get into a mess. i said that to him in my letter.

i think the way i see it is that if I were to get into such a state, i wouldn't want him to leave me like that.

I love him dearly and it is so hard to watch him struggling like this.

i know what you are all saying is right, and it's nothing i haven't been over myself time and time again. i just don't want to leave.

i suggested he stayed with his folks for a while but he said no.

OP posts:
snowleopard · 27/04/2008 22:08

I'm sorry, but the person you miss is the person he was able to be when he was using you to meet the deep psychological needs he has. The real him is someone with very serious problems who simply cannot cope with the transition to being a parent. This was always going to show up at some point - and the fact that he was/is drugg-addicted was a pointer to that too. Who is the real him? Someone who can't cope without props - drugs and a mother-figure. He gets them, he's charming. They're taken away, and he becomes the desperate, pathetic child that he is inside. I'm not blaming him - he's in a terrible state and it's very sad. But please don't think that the person he was when you first met him is "the real him".

lilyloo · 27/04/2008 22:09

What if leaving would help him though ?
No one on the outside of this situation would tell you to stay i am sure, dd is the most important thing in all of this surely ?
You don't have to stop loving him or wanting the 'him' you love to return you just need to stop it imapacting on dd which it will !

WinkyWinkola · 27/04/2008 22:09

You'll go down with him.

You may love him but you can't possibly love your current life with him. Surely you want things to be better for you all?

Staying with him means he can do what he wants. He's already saying massively cruel things to you. He obviously thinks it's ok to do that. Do you?

Protect yourself. You can't help him.

Original poster
veryunhappychappy · 27/04/2008 22:11

No I don't want any of that for dd. I think that's why this is all coming to a head.

OP posts:
slim22 · 27/04/2008 22:11

Honey, get yourself and your daughter some help NOW.

YOU need to toughen up and stop putting up with this. Can't you see his going to turn you into him?

Can't you see you might end up resenting your daughter down the line and be one of those old bats always moaning about how she took care of everyone and how ungrateful everyone is?
Bitter and angry? Is that what you both want for DD?

Janos · 27/04/2008 22:13

I speak also as someone who has been there.

Abusive men are great at turning on the charm...how do you think they get into and maintain relationships.

You aren't his mummy, he's a grown man and a father. By all means stay and make excuses for him.

Colditz is absolutely right. Right now, you putting his needs above yours and your daughters. Your ultimate responsiblity is to her.

Original poster
veryunhappychappy · 27/04/2008 22:13

I want to help him so much.

OP posts:
lilyloo · 27/04/2008 22:15

veryunhappy you need to get some help for you !
You are not leting him down by leaving , you are stopping this cycle of hate he has got into before it turns from you to dd.

shabster · 27/04/2008 22:15

Believe me when I say - if you stay you will look back over a completley wasted life. I have put up with this and worse for the last 30 years. Now I look in the mirror and the girl who used to stand there with dreams and hope has turned into a middle aged woman with no dreams and no hopes.

I thought I could save him. Dont get me wrong, our situation is better than it has ever been. We watch Jeremy Kyle and he tuts and comments about how a man could hit his wife and I sit there thinking 'but you did.'
It is only a better situation because I have let him win....in everything...

Nobody can tell you what to do, but one thing I know for certain an emotionally damaged person is very difficult to live with, to help or to have a loving relationship with.

snowleopard · 27/04/2008 22:15

I'll say it again. You can help him - but only by leaving. By being someone who says "this behaviour is unacceptable, and while you behave like this, you cannot have access to me or DD because it is damaging us."

He could see her, but with supervision (ideally not just you, but his family too - eg if he's staying with them) and the second anything abusive comes out of his mouth, you take her and leave, with a calm explanation.

You can be kind and supportive to him, if you want to - on the phone, and once you have taken care of your and DD's needs. The second he abuses you, you say "That is not an acceptable way to treat me and I am putting the phone down now."

And so on and so on. That is how you help him. the rest is a job for a professional.

Original poster
veryunhappychappy · 27/04/2008 22:16

they are both important to me -they are important to each other also. i can't let dd suffer because of this and he knows that too.

i just want everything to get better. i know that might mean separating. i feel like i am just failing at everything.

OP posts:
lilyloo · 27/04/2008 22:17

shabster
Veryunhappy you can 'help' him by leaving !

splishsplosh · 27/04/2008 22:18

For people to change in situations like this, they usually need to reach their own personal rock bottom, which gives them the incentive to change.

I've experienced much of what you have, and I know how hard it is to face what you need to do. The loving side keeps you hooked in, the memory of what life could be is also very powerful,, and I'm sure he can be very loving towards you.

But I doubt if anything will change if you stay. He's got his childhood issues as well as an addiction to deal with, that's going to be tough, and take some time, meanwhile you and your dd will suffer.

Please put you and dd first

slim22 · 27/04/2008 22:19

You stay, you both go down the spiral with him.

Enroll your in law's help. It's their responsibility. Yours is your daughter at the moment.

Janos · 27/04/2008 22:19

Sorry if that sounds harsh. I expect you are conditioned to put him first (that's not your fault) and that's what makes the thought of leaving so hard.

You really must look after yourself and your DD.

You haven't mentioned what sort of support network you have, if any. Do you have family and friends about?

lilyloo · 27/04/2008 22:19

You hven't failed ! You hev recognised youneed some help to help dp. You know this isn't healthy for you or dd, none of this is your fault.

snowleopard · 27/04/2008 22:19

DD will not suffer if he has controlled access where he can play with her and be nice to her, and knows that if he puts a foot wrong, you leave. He'll probably have more quality time with her than he does now.

She will suffer if she grows up in a situation like this and you continue to enable it.

WinkyWinkola · 27/04/2008 22:19

You are certainly not failing.

You are there for your daughter. You are trying to be there for your DP.

The only thing you might be failing at is being there for you. Unless you are supported, loved and cherished, you might not be there for any of them.

Your daughter needs you. You need to be in a positive environment or at least one that doesn't involve abuse.

Original poster
veryunhappychappy · 27/04/2008 22:21

funnily enough, when we talked today, he accused me of being controlling. i just can't work out what's going on in his head. it's all messed up.

OP posts:
edam · 27/04/2008 22:22

Oh sweetie, I am so very sorry this is happening. You are not to blame here - don't start thinking you have failed. You are in an appalling situation because you fell in love with someone who, it turns out way down the line, has some very serious problems. You need to get out of the situation - for dd, for you and also for him - probably his best chance of sorting himself out is for you to get out so he doesn't have you as a convenient crutch to use, to blame for all his problems, to throw all his shit at.

Have a look at Colditz's link to Women's Aid - domestic abuse is not just about hitting (although there's a strong possibility a man who has multiple addictions and is very hostile will end up doing just that if you hang around). They are non-judgemental and can give you a listening ear, support and help with practical and emotional stuff.

slim22 · 27/04/2008 22:22

you are not cutting him out. They can still see each other. But you can not and will not live this life.
His daughter needs him clean and sober, then you'll be ready to help him through underlying issues (which will have to be addressed in rehab counselling anyway).

You can love and support someone in many ways.
At the moment sorry to say you are just the enabler.

snowleopard · 27/04/2008 22:22

It's not a failure. You didn't even intend to become pregnant by your DP. Now that's happened, the only "failure" would be to put him before your baby. In no way is it your fault that he's ended up in this state.

Janos · 27/04/2008 22:24

No you aren't failing at all. It's pretty obvious that you are trying to do your best and that you care very much about your DP.

But I repeat..you must remove yourself and your daughter from this situation because it is so unhealthy. You absolutely can't help this man. He needs professional help.

Admitting that is not a failure on your part.