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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He has disappeared again

88 replies

Daisydaisydaisy1 · 15/11/2024 13:05

I have been with this guy a year. Well, he has disappeared again.
First time, he accidentally called me his ex wife’s name and disappeared for 2 days because he thought I’d be angry. Even though I tried to talk about it. The 2nd time, he changed plans so I did something else, yes I was annoyed but did not react, just went elsewhere for the day. He disappeared for 5 days. Came back very apologetic and telling me he finds it hard to communicate. Then 3rd time, it was a week and I have absolutely no idea what I had done this time. He apologised and said it would never happen again. We had a talk on communication and he said he wouldn’t disappear. Following this, I did feel a bit anxious about saying anything in regards to how I felt. He does change plans a lot, he spends like there is no tomorrow and sometimes says things and doesn’t follow through. However, we get on and have a laugh. He can be really helpful and tells me how much he wants a future. The 4th time was a month ago. We went to a party and as we were leaving a friend of his (female) approached me laughing saying he had ‘tongued’ her. I was a little embarrassed and uncomfortable. I said to him what did you do. He said he had licked her face. I told him I understand he felt it was a bit of fun but it’s uncomfortable for me. He stormed off. I went home alone. The following day, he apologised and said it was for fun. I told him again, I understand but it was a little embarrassing in front of everyone her telling me that. He told me I had issues! Anyway, he said this wouldn’t happen again and his communication is getting better as it was only 24 hours! On Wednesday he messaged me at work to say he was going to the pub at 2. We had planned to eat together. I came home from a busy shift and waited for him to get home before cooking as he said he wouldn’t be late. 7pm he came home drunk. He was chatty and we started cooking. When the food was done I sliced into my chicken breast and said I was popping it back in the air fryer for 5. He told me it was cooked, I said you know how fussy I am with meat. I sat eating the rest on my plate waiting for the chicken. He finished his. I said how nice it was. He ignored me. He then said I’m going to my mums. I asked what had happened. He ignored me. I asked again. He walked out. The following day he turned up as I was getting ready for work. I was angry not upset this time. He went to cuddle me and I told him no and to leave as I’m getting ready for work. He walked out. Messaged me later to ask me to put his belongings outside for him to collect. He has collected them today. Not heard nothing.
I’m messaging here because I just need someone to talk to.

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 15/11/2024 13:10

You sound well rid. He wasn’t getting any better was he???

windyweather66 · 15/11/2024 13:10

Sorry, but he has shown you who he is over and over and over again; that is an immature idiot, who can't/won't be challenged without storming out.

Please, please find your anger and self respect and have nothing more to do with him. He won't change.

Motnight · 15/11/2024 13:10

He's trying to train you to never disagree with him and never question what he does.

GreyCarpet · 15/11/2024 13:15

Is there any reason why you didn't find this utterly tedious and end it yourself?

Yes, he's a complete idiot but you chose to deal with his idiocy for far too long!

TwistedWonder · 15/11/2024 13:16

Is this the same guy you posted about a few months ago?

Why didn’t you follow through with dumping his pathetic arse then?

Zonder · 15/11/2024 13:18

He has done you a favour because I think it would have taken you a long time to call it a day. Please don't let him back in if he comes grovelling again.

RedHelenB · 15/11/2024 13:19

windyweather66 · 15/11/2024 13:10

Sorry, but he has shown you who he is over and over and over again; that is an immature idiot, who can't/won't be challenged without storming out.

Please, please find your anger and self respect and have nothing more to do with him. He won't change.

This. Why on earth did you waste your time on him?

DemonicCaveMaggot · 15/11/2024 13:20

If you don't mind this behaviour continue dating him. If you don't like it then break up with him.

It's honestly that simple.

Dillydollydingdong · 15/11/2024 13:20

What a turnip. Could you honestly put up with this behaviour for the rest of your life!? You're well rid. Maybe he was trying to drive you away and when you didn't take the hint, he went anyway.

rainbowstardrops · 15/11/2024 13:21

Well if he's like this during one year of being together, can you imagine what it would be like in ten years?!
Ditch him and move on. Let him sulk somewhere else.

healthybychristmas · 15/11/2024 13:22

How can you put up with this? He would drive me demented.

But thought of a future with him makes me shudder.

Doggymummar · 15/11/2024 13:23

What a twat, you will have a fabulous weekend without him.

9ToGoal · 15/11/2024 13:25

Make sure you don't let him back this time. You should have dumped him months ago.

SunshineSky81 · 15/11/2024 13:30

Well his training of you is going well. You are now expecting him to treat you like shit and disappear to the point where you are scared to voice a valid opinion or stand up for yourself.

He comes back, makes a half arsed apology, rinse and repeat until you learn to stop being willful, be mute unless asked and compliant.

Seriously, him walking out is the best thing that could happen to you. You need to spend time working out why you were happy to put up with this

Userengage · 15/11/2024 13:31

Well, have you out his stuff out yet? I do hope so.

edited to say I see you have, That’s great because he had you well trained. You’ll be happier without him.

unsync · 15/11/2024 13:35

Sounds like he's done you a favour. Do not give him another chance, he's an utter fuckwit who lacks an emotional intelligence. Learn how to form boundaries and raise your standards

TwistedWonder · 15/11/2024 13:38

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5137329-i-looked-at-the-phone?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

OP - there’s nothing different anyone can say that wasn’t already told to you in this thread so unless you’re going to take it onboard and act accordingly there’s no point in coming on here asking for advice and ignoring it.

I looked at the phone | Mumsnet

Been seeing a guy since last November. I knew of him as we live in the same town. He was married 20 years and has teen age boys. When I met him he tol...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5137329-i-looked-at-the-phone

Kiitos · 15/11/2024 13:38

DemonicCaveMaggot · 15/11/2024 13:20

If you don't mind this behaviour continue dating him. If you don't like it then break up with him.

It's honestly that simple.

I love this. Perfect response and relevant to so many posts on here.

SatansBobbleheadedDashboardOrnament · 15/11/2024 13:48

Who the fuck sulks about a chicken breast!? What a weirdo.

You're well rid. I hope you chucked all of his stuff outside and it's all gone.

Tina159 · 15/11/2024 13:53

He sounds incredibly hard work. Honestly relationships shouldn't be this hard.

Wishimaywishimight · 15/11/2024 14:02

Why on earth do you keep putting up with this? All you are doing is telling him he can treat you like dirt and you will happily come back for more.

Pour yourself a nice glass of wine / cup of coffee / whatever you fancy and congratulate yourself on getting rid of the rubbish and please don't allow anyone to treat you like this in future.

Dotty87 · 15/11/2024 14:06

If you're willing to put up with someone behaving this way, it's probably best to take some time away from dating and work on your self esteem and boundaries. Seriously.

He has done you a favour, do not let him come back.

category12 · 15/11/2024 14:12

When someone is a dick to you, stop giving so many chances for them to do it again. Otherwise they just escalate.

Get yourself some boundaries.

If someone ghosts you like that, maybe give them a second chance, but don't give them multiple chances.

Who is going to value you, if you don't?

MorrisZapp · 15/11/2024 14:16

I remember that party girl. You should have dumped him then.

Over40Overdating · 15/11/2024 14:18

He’s taken the trash out himself as you were never going to. Be relieved! Be grateful! He’s a middle aged man who lives with his mum because he’s in debt and still taking drugs and thinking he’s a party boy.

All that sulking and storming off - I imagine his marriage ended for the same reasons. At least you didn't waste 20 years on him!

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