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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He has disappeared again

88 replies

Daisydaisydaisy1 · 15/11/2024 13:05

I have been with this guy a year. Well, he has disappeared again.
First time, he accidentally called me his ex wife’s name and disappeared for 2 days because he thought I’d be angry. Even though I tried to talk about it. The 2nd time, he changed plans so I did something else, yes I was annoyed but did not react, just went elsewhere for the day. He disappeared for 5 days. Came back very apologetic and telling me he finds it hard to communicate. Then 3rd time, it was a week and I have absolutely no idea what I had done this time. He apologised and said it would never happen again. We had a talk on communication and he said he wouldn’t disappear. Following this, I did feel a bit anxious about saying anything in regards to how I felt. He does change plans a lot, he spends like there is no tomorrow and sometimes says things and doesn’t follow through. However, we get on and have a laugh. He can be really helpful and tells me how much he wants a future. The 4th time was a month ago. We went to a party and as we were leaving a friend of his (female) approached me laughing saying he had ‘tongued’ her. I was a little embarrassed and uncomfortable. I said to him what did you do. He said he had licked her face. I told him I understand he felt it was a bit of fun but it’s uncomfortable for me. He stormed off. I went home alone. The following day, he apologised and said it was for fun. I told him again, I understand but it was a little embarrassing in front of everyone her telling me that. He told me I had issues! Anyway, he said this wouldn’t happen again and his communication is getting better as it was only 24 hours! On Wednesday he messaged me at work to say he was going to the pub at 2. We had planned to eat together. I came home from a busy shift and waited for him to get home before cooking as he said he wouldn’t be late. 7pm he came home drunk. He was chatty and we started cooking. When the food was done I sliced into my chicken breast and said I was popping it back in the air fryer for 5. He told me it was cooked, I said you know how fussy I am with meat. I sat eating the rest on my plate waiting for the chicken. He finished his. I said how nice it was. He ignored me. He then said I’m going to my mums. I asked what had happened. He ignored me. I asked again. He walked out. The following day he turned up as I was getting ready for work. I was angry not upset this time. He went to cuddle me and I told him no and to leave as I’m getting ready for work. He walked out. Messaged me later to ask me to put his belongings outside for him to collect. He has collected them today. Not heard nothing.
I’m messaging here because I just need someone to talk to.

OP posts:
tediber · 15/11/2024 16:46

Good riddance! Do not contact him again!!!

FrancisQuoynt · 15/11/2024 16:49

Is this the guy who had a phone with messages from debt collectors appearing on it? If so good riddance, you are never getting anywhere with this one.

GingerIsBest · 15/11/2024 17:00

Don't worry, he'll be back. YOu're being trained very nicely. MOre and more you won't eve challenge him, or do anything he doesn't like. It won't help of course, because basically you'll never be able to do and be everything he wants.

15 years ago I suspect SIL could have written this exact post. Sadly, if she did, she didn't take the advice on board. His manipuatlve, controlling behaviour just continued to escalate, whiel he simultaneously abdicted all responsibility for himself, their finances, their children etc. He has destroyed her mental health, her financial stability and, I suspect, any chance his children have of growing up to be emotionally mature and stable people.

suburberphobe · 15/11/2024 17:05

he had licked her face.

Sounds like a dog.

tuvamoodyson · 15/11/2024 17:18
Mood Dancing GIF by pammypocket

I’m doing this on your behalf…

Strawberrydrill · 15/11/2024 17:20

Codlingmoths · 15/11/2024 13:10

You sound well rid. He wasn’t getting any better was he???

This. What a total nightmare. Cut this one loose and firm up your boundaries.

Plastictrees · 15/11/2024 17:30

OP this man is pathetically emotionally immature. He is trying to control you by flouncing off and expecting you to beg for him back. Raise the bar and your self esteem, you deserve more.

ChaToilLeam · 15/11/2024 17:33

He is a twat. You‘re well rid of him! Block him and don’t ever let him crawl back.

AlertCat · 15/11/2024 17:40

He does sound like a knob. Let him go, he’s really no loss to you and you’ll be more peaceful without him, no eggshells under your feet.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 15/11/2024 17:43

He's an arsehole. You are well rid.

frozendaisy · 15/11/2024 17:52

Great he's gone

Have a drink OP and we can toast your peaceful life going forwards.

Daisydaisydaisy1 · 15/11/2024 18:37

Thankyou everyone. He collected his stuff.

I know it’s for the best. I don’t know why I feel hurt because I know you are all right!

OP posts:
itsmylife7 · 15/11/2024 18:38

come on OP are you really that desperate for a man you'll put up with that treatment?

If so.... you need to get some self respect.

YesIReallyDidOK · 15/11/2024 18:52

Being able to move on from a man like this before he's got his feet under the table is actually a huge achievement, so well done! You'll feel better sooner than you think, just don't let him manipulate you into getting back in touch.

TipsyJoker · 15/11/2024 18:52

Daisydaisydaisy1 · 15/11/2024 18:37

Thankyou everyone. He collected his stuff.

I know it’s for the best. I don’t know why I feel hurt because I know you are all right!

Because you’re codependent. You need to work on your self esteem. Have a little look at this workbook. Print it off or just write in a notebook.

https://emmaashford.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/Learning-to-be-assertive-workbook.pdf

Have a read of this book

https://archive.org/details/TheSixPillarsOfSelfEsteem_201811/mode/1up

And this book too

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Stay single whilst you do some work on yourself so that you don’t end up with another muppet like this one. Expect better. Have higher standards. Don’t let someone treat you like sh*t and accept it. You deserve to be treated with love, respect and consideration by someone who values you and sees your worth. This guy is a scumbag who won’t change.

https://emmaashford.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/Learning-to-be-assertive-workbook.pdf

DeepRoseFish · 15/11/2024 18:57

He’s manipulating you into never being angry or upset with him so he can do what he likes and not have to suffer any consequences of his actions.

Please get rid and never look back.

Sassybooklover · 15/11/2024 19:15

How old is this man?! It sounds like you are dating an erratic teenager! Quite honestly he sounds hard work and exhausting. I can't see it getting any better. I'd end this relationship and find someone who is an adult, and not a man-child.

Opentooffers · 15/11/2024 19:37

You sound a bit vulnerable as you seem to have believed everything he says.A lot of it probably BS. I'd guess he creates issues on purpose so that he can go off and do whatever, maybe with other women, in-between. Giving someone a 'tonguing' isn't usually how he described it. Have you not heard the expression?
Very disrespectful, especially when you were at the party with him, so it begs the question, just what he gets up to once he's manufactured a reason to be away?
He's not one to be trusted, do not have him back again, even if he begs. Keep having g him back and he will just keep doing it. Might be a good idea to get sti tested.

A1m52 · 15/11/2024 19:54

I haven't read the replies. I have been in a relationship in the last 4 years with a man who could not communicate over anything without sulking. Going off stroppy or silent treatments. He was an arsehole to me in a variety of situations.

We got together in the August 2020 and autumn was soon here. Dark nights etc. I had around 8 pairs of jeggings in blues, blacks etc. I had a variety of jumpers and t shirts. In the middle of winter he commented I always wore the same stuff and asked if I ever wear shorts etc. I was hurt and tried to seek reassurance that I was not a frump. He threw me out his house and made me go home and wouldn't speak to Me.

Thr same thing happened when I asked why he was so wound up over his brothers ex who was messaging him on my first night sleeping over. They'd been flirting. He was trying to dodge her abit. I got thrown out and screamed at for having a face on me.

I asked him if he was truly committed to me as he wouldn't put our relationship on Facebook. He said I was insecure and jealous.

I asked him about phone behaviour when it was evident he was flirting/talking to other women including his ex. I was thrown out!

I never ever raged at him or shouted. I asked normal questions. It's abusive. It's immature and pathetic!

Your boyfriend has serious issues. Over chicken? His exs name!! It sounds to me like he runs away and comes back hoping you'll be so glad he's back you won't force him to discuss the issue that was there in the first place. He's training you to behave and shut up or you'll piss him off and he will go.

It's fucking cruel to leave your partner distressed or worried for hours or days. Absolutely shit and abusive.

This won't change. Don't waste another 3 years like I did.

BCBird · 15/11/2024 19:57

Now your worth.

permanently · 15/11/2024 20:00

Dear Lord, what a knob jockey. Ain't nobody got time for that! You are well rid.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 15/11/2024 20:05

and you allow this behaviour.

I would have dealt with him by the 2nd time, never mind a 4th etc. time.

There really are other men out there, find one.

EuclidianGeometryFan · 15/11/2024 20:06

Daisydaisydaisy1 · 15/11/2024 18:37

Thankyou everyone. He collected his stuff.

I know it’s for the best. I don’t know why I feel hurt because I know you are all right!

Of course you feel hurt.
The relationship is over - it is only natural to feel hurt.
So feel it. Have a good cry. Watch a weepy movie and cry your eyes out.

Then pick yourself up tomorrow morning and never, never, NEVER let him back into your life.

Justnippinginthegaragelove · 15/11/2024 20:15

He sounds more immature and stroppy than my 3 year old!
As a PP said, I'd be cracking open the champagne to celebrate tonight

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