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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He has disappeared again

88 replies

Daisydaisydaisy1 · 15/11/2024 13:05

I have been with this guy a year. Well, he has disappeared again.
First time, he accidentally called me his ex wife’s name and disappeared for 2 days because he thought I’d be angry. Even though I tried to talk about it. The 2nd time, he changed plans so I did something else, yes I was annoyed but did not react, just went elsewhere for the day. He disappeared for 5 days. Came back very apologetic and telling me he finds it hard to communicate. Then 3rd time, it was a week and I have absolutely no idea what I had done this time. He apologised and said it would never happen again. We had a talk on communication and he said he wouldn’t disappear. Following this, I did feel a bit anxious about saying anything in regards to how I felt. He does change plans a lot, he spends like there is no tomorrow and sometimes says things and doesn’t follow through. However, we get on and have a laugh. He can be really helpful and tells me how much he wants a future. The 4th time was a month ago. We went to a party and as we were leaving a friend of his (female) approached me laughing saying he had ‘tongued’ her. I was a little embarrassed and uncomfortable. I said to him what did you do. He said he had licked her face. I told him I understand he felt it was a bit of fun but it’s uncomfortable for me. He stormed off. I went home alone. The following day, he apologised and said it was for fun. I told him again, I understand but it was a little embarrassing in front of everyone her telling me that. He told me I had issues! Anyway, he said this wouldn’t happen again and his communication is getting better as it was only 24 hours! On Wednesday he messaged me at work to say he was going to the pub at 2. We had planned to eat together. I came home from a busy shift and waited for him to get home before cooking as he said he wouldn’t be late. 7pm he came home drunk. He was chatty and we started cooking. When the food was done I sliced into my chicken breast and said I was popping it back in the air fryer for 5. He told me it was cooked, I said you know how fussy I am with meat. I sat eating the rest on my plate waiting for the chicken. He finished his. I said how nice it was. He ignored me. He then said I’m going to my mums. I asked what had happened. He ignored me. I asked again. He walked out. The following day he turned up as I was getting ready for work. I was angry not upset this time. He went to cuddle me and I told him no and to leave as I’m getting ready for work. He walked out. Messaged me later to ask me to put his belongings outside for him to collect. He has collected them today. Not heard nothing.
I’m messaging here because I just need someone to talk to.

OP posts:
GiraffeTree · 15/11/2024 14:20

This would be a deal breaker for me. I can't stand a man who sulks.

LAMPS1 · 15/11/2024 14:20

That’s wonderful, OP, that he’s gone of his own accord with no drama. Just perfect.

Now you have a lovely chance at something much better. Do yourself a favour and make sure you take that chance. Let him go. More fool you if you don’t.

thatsawhopperthatlemon · 15/11/2024 14:22

He is 'punishing' you every time you do or say anything he doesn't like, or whenever you pull him up on shitty behaviour. The idea is that he trains you into being totally compliant and allowing him to do whatever he likes.

Stuff that for a game of soldiers. He is manipulative and about as flaky as it is possible to get, so if I were you, I'd just let him stay disappeared this time.

OchAyeTheN00 · 15/11/2024 14:22

thank goodness he’s gone with no fuss.

What an attention seeking man child. Well rid.

NZDreaming · 15/11/2024 14:23

@Daisydaisydaisy1 be grateful the rubbish took itself out. You do not need this unreliable, inconsiderate, drug taking, heavy drinking, debt riddled, socially inept, embarrassing, childish waste of space taking up any more of your life. Be done with him for good, he’s not going to change and you should want better for yourself. Relationships shouldn’t be this hard, especially this early on.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 15/11/2024 14:26

Good lord, he's ghastly isn't he?

Trickedbyadoughnut · 15/11/2024 14:26

I'd bloody well crack open the champagne to celebrate that the manipulative abusive drug-abusing shit has broken it off so you don't have to.

As someone said upthread, he's training you to never object to anything he does or disagree with him or call him out on his shitty behaviour.

I think it would be good to think about why you put up with any of this crap so that you don't carry it forward into other relationships.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 15/11/2024 14:27

I’m glad he has ended it because someone needed to.

you should have dumped him WAY back…

Then 3rd time, it was a week and I have absolutely no idea what I had done this time. He apologised and said it would never happen again….. The 4th time was a month ago.

I mean honestly reread this. Reread it properly.
he’s training you to take whatever shit he decides to dish up. Who wants that?
DO NOT take him back under any circumstances

YesIReallyDidOK · 15/11/2024 14:28

Let me guess, his ex wife is 'crazy'?

thatsawhopperthatlemon · 15/11/2024 14:29

Of all the good points you might have on your list when looking for a nice partner, he ticks none of them.

So he's got the hump and buggered off. Good.

You can now take the red flags down and hang up some celebratory bunting instead.

thatsawhopperthatlemon · 15/11/2024 14:30

YesIReallyDidOK · 15/11/2024 14:28

Let me guess, his ex wife is 'crazy'?

Being married to him would be enough to send anyone round the twist.

Ellie56 · 15/11/2024 14:32

You've done well getting rid of the village idiot.

Time to move on and find a grown up to spend time with.

Wonderi · 15/11/2024 14:33

Raise your bar OP.

You get treated like this because you allow it.
You’re literally choosing it.

There’s not much anyone can say.
Until you start having some respect for yourself, then no one is going to have respect for you either.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/11/2024 14:34

Motnight · 15/11/2024 13:10

He's trying to train you to never disagree with him and never question what he does.

THIS. Exactly what I was going to say.

Seriously, training you like a dog.

krustykittens · 15/11/2024 14:37

He's a manipulative, abusive head wrecker, OP, there are NO upsides to a man like this. Breath a sigh of relief that he has gone of his own accord and consign him to history. You can now find a grown up to have a relationship with.

Paganpentacle · 15/11/2024 14:41

Sounds like a total arse wipe.
Be glad he's taken himself out- saved you the bother.

momtoboys · 15/11/2024 14:44

How many times does this man child have to treat you appallingly before you smarten up?

MitochondriaUnited · 15/11/2024 14:46

Honestly, he gosted you for a week, sometimes more and you still took him back? WHY??

Youre happy with the crumbs he is throwing your way. Why? You’re worth so much more than this.
(and no saying he has plan for the future for you together isn’t enough)

Please tell me you’ve changed the locks in your house, and blocked his number/SM

NiftyKoala · 15/11/2024 14:53

Motnight · 15/11/2024 13:10

He's trying to train you to never disagree with him and never question what he does.

This. Cut him off and go on with your life. This is who he is and he will not change.

SalsaLights · 15/11/2024 15:05

Bloody hell I felt pissed off with him before I'd got halfway through your OP!

He sounds incredibly immature and manipulative. You're well rid. People like this have a nasty habit of reappearing to try and reel you back in. My fiver is on him surfacing in a day or two, so I would block him now.

wellIguessitwouldberice · 15/11/2024 15:13

I’m sorry that this has happened to you. It’s upsetting and confusing and you deserve better. At best he’s immature and at worst manipulative. Probably both. Either way, you can’t change him no matter what you do. Save yourself a lot of future pain and mourn the break up now. Better be sad now than deal with a load more sh*t and still have to break up with him down the line.

TillyKister · 15/11/2024 15:24

All this to'ing and fro'ing is ridiculous.
He's obviously testing you to see how much of this bizarre behaviour you'll tolerate.
I'd call it a day this time if I were you. It's going nowhere.

mathanxiety · 15/11/2024 15:46

The key parts of your OP are
You began to second guess whether you should bring up issues, and
He talks about the future.

He's a future faker who is playing the field and testing how much he can get away with and make you just grin and bear it.

You are well rid.

Do not get back in touch with this clown no matter how sad you feel and no matter how desperate for you he may tell you he is.

Block him, and resist any temptation you may feel to try to save him (he may claim he's suicidal/ sleeping on park benches/ self harming, whatever) or save the relationship (because you believe the future faking).

Waterboatlass · 15/11/2024 16:01

I didn't read the whole chicken bit but you've given him a few chances now for the doing something wrong then disappearing until it's no longer an issue thing to be a one off. It isn't. It's his regular behaviour. Doesn't matter why. I couldn't be arsed with it.

1987qwerty · 15/11/2024 16:32

You need to look in the mirror and give your head a good wobble. You can't seriously be wondring what to do.