Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He has disappeared again

88 replies

Daisydaisydaisy1 · 15/11/2024 13:05

I have been with this guy a year. Well, he has disappeared again.
First time, he accidentally called me his ex wife’s name and disappeared for 2 days because he thought I’d be angry. Even though I tried to talk about it. The 2nd time, he changed plans so I did something else, yes I was annoyed but did not react, just went elsewhere for the day. He disappeared for 5 days. Came back very apologetic and telling me he finds it hard to communicate. Then 3rd time, it was a week and I have absolutely no idea what I had done this time. He apologised and said it would never happen again. We had a talk on communication and he said he wouldn’t disappear. Following this, I did feel a bit anxious about saying anything in regards to how I felt. He does change plans a lot, he spends like there is no tomorrow and sometimes says things and doesn’t follow through. However, we get on and have a laugh. He can be really helpful and tells me how much he wants a future. The 4th time was a month ago. We went to a party and as we were leaving a friend of his (female) approached me laughing saying he had ‘tongued’ her. I was a little embarrassed and uncomfortable. I said to him what did you do. He said he had licked her face. I told him I understand he felt it was a bit of fun but it’s uncomfortable for me. He stormed off. I went home alone. The following day, he apologised and said it was for fun. I told him again, I understand but it was a little embarrassing in front of everyone her telling me that. He told me I had issues! Anyway, he said this wouldn’t happen again and his communication is getting better as it was only 24 hours! On Wednesday he messaged me at work to say he was going to the pub at 2. We had planned to eat together. I came home from a busy shift and waited for him to get home before cooking as he said he wouldn’t be late. 7pm he came home drunk. He was chatty and we started cooking. When the food was done I sliced into my chicken breast and said I was popping it back in the air fryer for 5. He told me it was cooked, I said you know how fussy I am with meat. I sat eating the rest on my plate waiting for the chicken. He finished his. I said how nice it was. He ignored me. He then said I’m going to my mums. I asked what had happened. He ignored me. I asked again. He walked out. The following day he turned up as I was getting ready for work. I was angry not upset this time. He went to cuddle me and I told him no and to leave as I’m getting ready for work. He walked out. Messaged me later to ask me to put his belongings outside for him to collect. He has collected them today. Not heard nothing.
I’m messaging here because I just need someone to talk to.

OP posts:
RunnerDown · 15/11/2024 20:20

You feel hurt because presumably you cared about him and thought you had a future together . But this temporary heartbreak will spare you from a lifetime of unhappiness. If you stay he will break you . Please don’t let him do that .

Hopelesscase32 · 15/11/2024 21:10

What happened to your self respect?

Daisydaisydaisy1 · 16/11/2024 06:12

Thankyou everyone! Thankyou Tipsy for your recommendations!
His mum messaged me because he’s changed his Facebook to single. I told her what happened. She said it’s the alcohol and he was happy with me. I said all I have done is react to his poor behaviour (that reaction being, not accepting an apology the next morning).
I have no excuse why I put up with this. I knew deep down but he was overly keen in between. I knew I was feeling unsettled for a reason. He would do something thoughtful or helpful, for example, clean my car, buy my girls treats, take my rubbish out, occasionally cook, show a lot of affection, bring me wine. I have never had this. I have struggled on my own for a long time. Once he said (I ran out of coffee so he went out of his way on the way to work to drop it to me), remember all the good things for when I fuck up. He’d say it in a way that he would fuck up by accident. Saying he isn’t perfect!
I always remained calm, tried to communicate. To the point, you’re right, I’d be quiet because I didn’t want him to strop. Up until Thursday morning I was angry but again remained calm and told him no when he went to hug me and apologise. I told him to leave. He is angry with my response to his behaviour!
Yes, I posted here before about him and the phone. I appreciate this forum. Someone asked why I post and don’t take advice. I can assure you, this forum helped me so much. I did take everything on board. This has helped me too. Thankyou everyone!

OP posts:
Zonder · 16/11/2024 06:33

He didn't want to have to consistently behave kindly towards you and tried to persuade you to take the crumbs he threw you. You can do so much better. Set your standards higher now. Think about how you would feel if your girls were in a relationship like that.

BleepingBleepy · 16/11/2024 06:43

His mum messaged me because he’s changed his Facebook to single. I told her what happened. She said it’s the alcohol and he was happy with me. I said all I have done is react to his poor behaviour

Doesn't surprise me at all that his mum is messaging you! He sounds utterly immature and I bet she thought she'd be able to hand responsibility for him over to you.
It's normal for you to feel a bit hurt and down now. Just remember you've done the right thing in getting rid. He was not going to change, and you won't feel like this for long - unlike if you get back with him and his stupid behaviour will continue. Stay strong for if he comes crawling back.

TipsyJoker · 16/11/2024 08:06

His mum messaged me because he’s changed his Facebook to single. I told her what happened. She said it’s the alcohol and he was happy with me. I said all I have done is react to his poor behaviour

His mum is a flying monkey who has called you up to turn it round to being your fault for not tolerating his bad behaviour. As pp said, she just wants you to take responsibility for him so she doesn’t have to do it and so he will move out of her house and into yours. Block her. Block him too. On your phone, social media and email. If he comes to your house don’t answer the door and call the cops to have him removed. That will hopefully make it clear to him that it’s over and to stay away from you. That might seem harsh but you will have to take a hard line with this guy because he believes that he will be able to turn up with a bottle of wine or presents for your children and he’ll be back in again. Do not allow this. Don’t accept any gifts. If he sends you something, send it back to his mums. You have to cut him off completely so he can’t hoover you back in. Every time he hoovers you back in, his behaviour will then escalate. I think this guy is an emotional abuser and over time he will gaslight you, have you questioning your own reality, walking on eggshells so you don’t do or say something that sets him off and it will destroy your self esteem. It’s already had a massive affect on you. The things you’ve described in between his bad episodes is called love bombing and it’s what abusive men do to hoover their victims back in. And that’s what you are here. A victim of an emotionally abusive man. Stay out. Stay safe. Move on to better things. Do a little bit of work on building your own self esteem before dating again. You might want to do the freedom programme too. It will help you spot red flags in the future.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

happinessischocolate · 16/11/2024 14:46

From your update hopefully it's now over for good, if he tries to come back just remember, this man left and went to his mums because you wanted to cook a piece of chicken a little bit longer before you ate it.

You're well rid.

I'm similar to you single mum on her own for years, I've had a couple of relationships with men who initially seem lovely and will do small and thoughtful things and try and take care of me abit and it's lovely but then you find the red flags and by god they're RED and all the nice thoughtful things are not worth the mental mind games these guys want to play.

thatsawhopperthatlemon · 16/11/2024 23:20

His mum is a flying monkey

Maybe not, she could have been thinking she had finally been able to wash her hands of him, and now here he is back home again like a bad smell. She's probably desperate to get rid of him, and contacting the OP was a last resort.

TipsyJoker · 17/11/2024 00:23

thatsawhopperthatlemon · 16/11/2024 23:20

His mum is a flying monkey

Maybe not, she could have been thinking she had finally been able to wash her hands of him, and now here he is back home again like a bad smell. She's probably desperate to get rid of him, and contacting the OP was a last resort.

Did you even read what I posted?

“she just wants you to take responsibility for him so she doesn’t have to do it and so he will move out of her house and into yours”

thatsawhopperthatlemon · 17/11/2024 10:50

TipsyJoker · 17/11/2024 00:23

Did you even read what I posted?

“she just wants you to take responsibility for him so she doesn’t have to do it and so he will move out of her house and into yours”

Yes, I did read what you posted.

I was just pondering the use of the term 'flying monkey' though, as that would usually describe when a person is deliberately using their friends and relatives as a tool to manipulate someone else. Perhaps in this case the mother has not been used by her son to get at the OP, but that she did it of her own accord because she wants him out and was hoping the OP would take him back.

TipsyJoker · 17/11/2024 17:09

thatsawhopperthatlemon · 17/11/2024 10:50

Yes, I did read what you posted.

I was just pondering the use of the term 'flying monkey' though, as that would usually describe when a person is deliberately using their friends and relatives as a tool to manipulate someone else. Perhaps in this case the mother has not been used by her son to get at the OP, but that she did it of her own accord because she wants him out and was hoping the OP would take him back.

Let’s not get bogged down in semantics and terminology. We can both agree that the mother is going to be loyal to her son and more inclined to support him over the OP. Especially as it benefits her to get her son out of the house. Yes?

Daschund · 17/11/2024 17:18

A year and you describe him at one point coming 'home?' Please tell me you didn't move this prick into your home with DC there? I wouldn't even have introduced them at that stage.
You need to seriously work on your boundaries, especially when DC are involved. I'm astounded.

Pumpkinpie1 · 17/11/2024 18:34

Raise your standards in men OP .

New posts on this thread. Refresh page