I’m a 34-year-old man and I’ve never had a girlfriend

[Neima41]

Hi I started a new thread but I was worried I might have made a mistake so I’m writing it again. my apologies. My name is Neima and I’m a 34-year-old man and I’m new to Mumsnet. So I’ve never had a girlfriend, I’ve never dated, I’ve never had sex. I kissed a girl when I was younger. Girls have always found me attractive, I’ve always been told I have nice eyes and I’ve been told nice things about my appearance. I’m 6 foot tall, I have black hair and I’m really well-spoken. A female classmate at school and a female schoolfriend asked me out. Even a gay man was attracted to me earlier this year. I can be quiet and am kind of awkward and shy. I have a haircut every 3 or 4 weeks and I get my beard done and I try to dress well.

I am socialising more, I’ve been to a Meetup thing recently and I’m going to another on Saturday. I recently had dinner with the man who lives in the flat above the flat I used to live in. I see a group of people on Wednesdays and sometimes on Sundays as well, but they’re not friends. I’m in contact with a few people on Facebook and one person on LinkedIn. I also met someone who told me about a service at a church next to Hammersmith broadway and I’m not religious in the slightest but I went along to meet new people, I’ve been a few times.

I still feel lonely. I’ve got other problems, also I’ve cried a thousand times over the past three months. I’ve lost weight due to the stress.

I really love children, and I’m meeting someone who is helping me find a job. I’d like to work in a primary school. I’d like to teach art, because I studied art at college and I enjoyed drawing when I was younger.

Any advice would be appreciated :)

Try dating apps.

Also if you have any interests, join clubs and groups relating to those interests to hopefully make friends.

Don't get confused between the two and try to use the hobby groups as dating groups.

See about volunteering in schools or playgroups but be aware that as a man there will, sadly, be people who will feel suspicious of your motivations.

Finally, see your GP as you sound like you may be depressed.

Hi, I just wanted to ask, what is a ‘thread?’ I should know really. Because I started this discussion above, so is thread another word for discussion?

Go to the church regularly, it will help you practice your social skills and you will slowly develop a community. Say the odd prayer!
It’s actually great that you are taking the initiative and doing things to improve your situation. Many people don’t get to that stage so you’re on the right track.

Yes. This is a thread.
You started a new thread aka discussion.

Sounds like you're lonely because you haven't got deep and meaningful connections if I've understood your post.

You say you have other problems? Are you seeking help for them? Maybe a therapist?

You need to get out there and practice. Do you work?

I'd search groups in your area for either interests you have or specifically for people new to the area/lack of socialising or similar so you can ease in and not want to run away.

I'd also go on dates - use an app and just go for drinks. Get used to speaking and socialising with intent and go from there. It's tough when you're out of school as we don't mix the same was as an adult but it will happen if you keep at it.

Are there any volunteering opportunities locally, maybe via your church, youth organisation or similar? That might be a really nice active way to get more involved in the community and meet people.

But what are you working at now? If you don't have any friends, and you're trying to get started in a completely new field, I'd focus on that before even contemplating dating.

Do you work? Have hobbies? Drive? Probably get shot down for this, but you need to have something that attracts people to you.
Personally I wouldn't be attracted to someone who didn't work, drive, have any hobbies or anything else about them.
Personality and looks are important, but ambition, drive, coming on adventures with me are much more important.

Very few people are going to want to date someone in their 30s who doesn't have a job. I'd focus on achieving your other goals, like getting a job, and then go from there.Perhas set yourself 6 months to achieve your other life goals and re-evaluate in the spring.

You say 2 girls and a man have asked you out - did you go out for dates with them? Or decline? (Because you also say you’ve never dated)
Sonetimes we can set our expectations too high, and sometimes romance can spark from friendships or people you aren’t attracted to in the beginning.
What are you looking for in a potential partner?
I agree with others at your age you need a job in order to attract somebody. You need to build some stability and security for yourself. You never know you might meet the right person in the workplace with similar interests to you.

I don't think that's in the least controversial. I don't care about how many haircuts someone has or whether people have told them they're nice-looking, but at the moment the OP is describing someone unemployed, friendless, with a lot of problems that make him cry and lose weight, and who sounds as if he's starting out in life, like a much younger person than someone in their mid-30s. Yet he appears to see never having had a girlfriend as the issue, not so much the other things.

OP, respectfully, sort out the rest of your life first before starting dating. You need to have your life more sorted out in order for someone to contemplate a relationship with you.

I think once you have a job, everything else will fall into place. When you are working and earning money, your self esteem will rise, and you will meet new people organically through work. There's nothing wrong with being 34 and never having had a relationship, just don't make it your entire personality. Be interested in other people, whatever their age, regardless of whether they are men or women, learn to be a good listener and start to enjoy life by doing things you love.

What happened when those girls asked you out. Were you too shy to accept, or just didn't fancy them or what? And how about the man, how do you know he was attracted to you? You mention girlfriends, and it might be wrong of me to ask, but are you secure with your sexuality, or are you maybe feeling some turmoil there?

I think realistically you need to get the various parts of your own life moving forward a bit, work etc, and the rest is more likely to fall into place.

Are you neurodiverse or anything?

Do you have family around?

I think work on building friendships in general so you have people you have things in common with to spend time with, and you'll probably meet more people through those friendships.

While dating can lead to meeting someone to share your life with, it takes time to meet the right person and it's better to feel like that person is the icing on the cake, rather than your rescue from loneliness, and perhaps ending up with the wrong person out of desperation.

I’m meeting an employment advisor once a week who is helping me get a job. My hobbies are film and music. I’m really passionate about music to be honest. With music, I can escape and forget about everything. I recently went to the Prince Charles cinema to see a film, but it wasn’t a genre of film I’m into at all.

Consider joining a choir if you like music. You don't have to be an amazing singer and they are usually full of women.

So the first girl asked me out in Year 7 or 8 I think, and I said no. My female friend asked me out when we were in Year 10, but again I said no. The man was into me in a big way, but I have no intention of sleeping with a man in real life. To be perfectly honest, I don’t like the fact that I have no experience when it comes to sex and dating, and I know that I will be told that some women won’t care about a thing like that.
I would like to meet someone who is serious about being in a relationship.

The good news is that there’s no rush for you. As women we have to be aware of our declining fertility but you have all the time in the world to find someone special so relax.

One thing I will say is that you go into a lot of unnecessary detail in your posts - eg who you meet up with and where you go to the cinema etc.

Maybe when you’re talking to potential friends be aware of waffling as it might be that you come across a bit oblivious to other people in conversations.

Do you ask questions and genuinely listen to the answers to better understand someone?

It sounds like you’re physically attractive so your shyness and awkwardness is probably why you’re not connecting with anyone special. There will be lots of people out there who would be perfect for you, it’s just a matter of you finding out more about them and vice Versa so you need to be having meaningful conversations.

My DP has a habit of going into great detail about music, films etc (I suspect, and he agrees, that he’s probably autistic) and sometimes he stops and apologises for going on a bit! I like that he’s so passionate about things but I know that wouldn’t be for everyone. The right people will enjoy your passions and want to engage with you about them.

How do you support yourself, if you apparently have never worked? What have you been doing with your time up until now? You sound like someone who is just starting out in the world, but that can’t be the case. I am a little confused about what your life has looked like for its first 34 years - or at least the 16 years you’ve been an adult.

So when the first girl asked me out, we were sat in class and she turned round and said ‘Neima, do you want to go out with me?’ And I went ‘No’ and she turned back round. My female friend wrote ‘I fancy you’ on a bit of paper and told me not to read it until she had gone. She called me later that evening and asked me out, and I said no.

As for the man, he asked me if I wanted to go the park for 20 minutes. And he said ‘you look nice to me’. I must have asked him later through text why he fancied me, and he said liked my eyes, my Iranian blood and my height.

I was confused about my sexuality when I was younger. I was basically having sexual thoughts about girls and boys for perhaps a couple of years, but then came to the conclusion that I was straight. I have been having sexual thoughts about the man I mentioned above, but I don’t see myself as bisexual.

I went to a house party last Sunday, I went with someone who goes to the church that I’ve been to a few times, and I found it easy to chat to people, I was making people laugh. I was speaking to someone, and he said ‘you ask good questions’. But the whole thing of, when you meet someone you ask them questions.. it’s not something I was fantastic at when I was younger.

Actually I’m not sure if I made people laugh haha

So have you ever asked someone on a date? If you did, what happened next? If you've never asked anyone, that's probably the problem.

Sorry I wanted to correct what I wrote, I meant to write he said HE liked my eyes, my Iranian blood and my height