I’m a 34-year-old man and I’ve never had a girlfriend

[Neima41]

Hi I started a new thread but I was worried I might have made a mistake so I’m writing it again. my apologies. My name is Neima and I’m a 34-year-old man and I’m new to Mumsnet. So I’ve never had a girlfriend, I’ve never dated, I’ve never had sex. I kissed a girl when I was younger. Girls have always found me attractive, I’ve always been told I have nice eyes and I’ve been told nice things about my appearance. I’m 6 foot tall, I have black hair and I’m really well-spoken. A female classmate at school and a female schoolfriend asked me out. Even a gay man was attracted to me earlier this year. I can be quiet and am kind of awkward and shy. I have a haircut every 3 or 4 weeks and I get my beard done and I try to dress well.

I am socialising more, I’ve been to a Meetup thing recently and I’m going to another on Saturday. I recently had dinner with the man who lives in the flat above the flat I used to live in. I see a group of people on Wednesdays and sometimes on Sundays as well, but they’re not friends. I’m in contact with a few people on Facebook and one person on LinkedIn. I also met someone who told me about a service at a church next to Hammersmith broadway and I’m not religious in the slightest but I went along to meet new people, I’ve been a few times.

I still feel lonely. I’ve got other problems, also I’ve cried a thousand times over the past three months. I’ve lost weight due to the stress.

I really love children, and I’m meeting someone who is helping me find a job. I’d like to work in a primary school. I’d like to teach art, because I studied art at college and I enjoyed drawing when I was younger.

Any advice would be appreciated :)

Can posters give this man a break about his sexuality. He's allowed to have thoughts about men and not want to sleep with them, good grief.
He may be bisexual or he may not, it doesn't matter to anyone but him.

He's made it clear repeatedly he wants to date a woman and only sleep with women and that is his choice. Back off everyone!

You sound lovely, I do agree that it would be worth getting an assessment for Autism based on the detail of your posts. This isn't a bad thing but if you are diagnosed Autistic it will help you understand you and also for others to understand you too. It will also help employers understand you and support you in work.

It sounds like you are making a big effort to socialise and that's great. Getting a job would be great for meeting people too, would it be worth looking for alternative jobs? Perhaps not working with children but something else that would help you gain experience and get something on your CV? Possibly work experience somewhere? Volunteering? Lots of people will start out in a different jobs and look to progress to something else.

Depending on your diagnosis a job may never be on the cards for you and that's okay. There will be others out there in the same boat. I haven't googled but I've no doubt there are specialist agencies in London who help in finding love and relationships for ND people. Perhaps that's the route you can look at much later down the line if you are diagnosed Autistic. Obviously this doesn't apply if in fact you are not Autistic but just like everyone else who's replied I have a feeling you may well be.

Good luck!

I agree @flyinghen no need to try and pigeon hole him. I think we can be too dogmatic about sexuality- you think this/ have had thoughts about that therefore you are this. It’s not that rigid.

Whilst having a job is generally just important, the WFH culture means that people are more lonely than ever before and people no longer meet people naturally at work.

Hi
My employment advisor told me to think about getting a job in an art shop, selling materials, but I received an email from someone recently about teachers and teaching assistants and she told me to contact her. I recently applied for a job at an art school, but it took me too long to record the video, there were also problems with sending the video and by then it was too late. I recently was talking to someone I socialise with and he told me the same thing you have, the job I get will lead to something else.
The thing about me being autistic (if I am) is it has stopped me from doing certain things (dating). If it wasn’t for the awkwardness and quietness I would have had several girlfriends by now. I know that for a fact. So I’m annoyed.
Thanks so much for the advice 🙂

Can I ask what WFH stands for?

@Neima41 Working From Home

Thanks, I do feel that social media and other things have made people more isolated. My only worry is that even when I do meet more new people, whether it be through work or something else, my lack of experience is going to haunt me. There are certain things that most people my age have done that I’ve never done. It would be ok if I was 22 for example, but I’m a 34 year old man.

what have you been doing for the last 10 years, why do you think you haven't had a job?

To be honest, before, I was comfortable not doing anything, I’m not proud of admitting that. I’m meeting an employment advisor regularly and I’ve received calls from people, I’m looking for jobs. I emailed an art school yesterday and received an email telling me that I should look on Indeed, which I am on.

Also, I think that me having OCD would impact me at work, as well as me possibly having autism

Another one who thinks you could possibly be autistic.
I am autistic and held down a marriage for 19 years so absolutely it can happen to some autistics.

You have narrowed down your job search too much.
You are much more likely to find "a job" than a position in an art school with zero experience. Any job will be beneficial to your future.

There are a plenty of multi-lingual people with degrees working in retail.

Like me - I have a degree, I am a successful painter and have illustrated covers for best-selling books. I have also worked evenings in retail and pubs, sometimes just to get out of the house, as my line of work can be very isolating, what with painting in soltitude for weeks on end.

Make a change. Good luck.

Quiet does not mean autistic!
I’m married to a quiet man. He listens! And then considers carefully what to say, so it is almost always a well considered response and worth listening to. When people tell him he should talk more it’s incredibly frustrating for him. He’s also not on social media other than LinkedIn.
Have a read of the book
“Quiet- The Power of Introverts in a World That Won’t Stop Talking” by Susan Cain

This poster is giving sound advice, OP.

Good luck

Were you living with parents? Are you still living with them?

I’ve got someone in the family who sounds similar to you, they just don’t seem to have started their life and spend all day in their bedroom at home at their parents, they’ve never had a job, or a girlfriend, and have never had the push they need to get out into the world, they are extremely socially anxious but they don’t seem particularly unhappy, definitely not happy though either, just existing really, they are late twenties now and I think the later they leave it, the harder it is to get out there, seeing it from the outside it seems quite a sad situation but the only person who can do anything about it is themselves.

personally, I’d just get a job, doing anything, it may be hard at first, but will build up your confidence interacting with people, and understanding what is required of being an employee (listening to authority and following instructions, always being on time, working as part of a team). I doubt you will walk into a job teaching children with absolutely zero work experience of any kind, you need to find your feet in that regard before chasing your dream job.

just get to doing something before another 5 years have passed and you are still no further along, volunteering is always a good option as a pre-curser to working and will give you some of the experience you need.

once you build up some confidence you may find you will naturally meet someone, but you need to think about what you can offer a partner, I don’t mean that to sound harsh, but if you aren’t prepared to put yourself out there, or even attempt to support yourself, you’re going to find it hard to meet someone in your age range.

Thanks 🙂

But what did you live on? Are you living with your parents?

Yes I lived with my mum until she passed away in 2021. I have a flat of my own but I’m currently staying with my dad. The thought of living on my own scares me, probably because I’m not as independent as I should be.

And I am on the website Meetup, and I’ve been to two, and have met new people, I was messaging one of them recently. There’s also a church I go to regularly, I’m not religious in the slightest but I basically met someone who’s maybe my age who told me about a service there, again I’ve met new people, I even went to a house party with one of them.

Then, with respect, @Neima41 -- I think you should be concentrating on finding work and working up to living independently. Put those things in place before you start dating.

Hi I wanted to ask, under every comment on Mumsnet, there is an option called ‘Thanks’. Some people have clicked ‘thanks’ under some comments that I have left. When I clicked on it, it says ‘users who gave thanks’. What does it mean?

It means those users have read your post and appreciate what you’ve said.

What if I will struggle to date and have relationships due to my personality, even after I’ve got a job and become independent? A video on YouTube said that if you are a man who’s never had sex, women will be put off, although a friend of mine says that’s not the case

A job will help you gain the soft skills of friendships, socialising etc the precursor to dating

You will have to just learn and adapt on the fly to each situation/date etc
Women will only be put off if you make a huge deal out of it all the time or are incredibly anxious about it, in my view anyway

Get a job. That will help.

If you have never had a girlfriend there is something about the way you are presenting yourself that is putting women off. Find someone to help you identify what that is and fix it ( there used to a programme on the tv that did this). Its probably fairly easy to fix but you have to know what it is first.