I’m a 34-year-old man and I’ve never had a girlfriend

[Neima41]

Hi I started a new thread but I was worried I might have made a mistake so I’m writing it again. my apologies. My name is Neima and I’m a 34-year-old man and I’m new to Mumsnet. So I’ve never had a girlfriend, I’ve never dated, I’ve never had sex. I kissed a girl when I was younger. Girls have always found me attractive, I’ve always been told I have nice eyes and I’ve been told nice things about my appearance. I’m 6 foot tall, I have black hair and I’m really well-spoken. A female classmate at school and a female schoolfriend asked me out. Even a gay man was attracted to me earlier this year. I can be quiet and am kind of awkward and shy. I have a haircut every 3 or 4 weeks and I get my beard done and I try to dress well.

I am socialising more, I’ve been to a Meetup thing recently and I’m going to another on Saturday. I recently had dinner with the man who lives in the flat above the flat I used to live in. I see a group of people on Wednesdays and sometimes on Sundays as well, but they’re not friends. I’m in contact with a few people on Facebook and one person on LinkedIn. I also met someone who told me about a service at a church next to Hammersmith broadway and I’m not religious in the slightest but I went along to meet new people, I’ve been a few times.

I still feel lonely. I’ve got other problems, also I’ve cried a thousand times over the past three months. I’ve lost weight due to the stress.

I really love children, and I’m meeting someone who is helping me find a job. I’d like to work in a primary school. I’d like to teach art, because I studied art at college and I enjoyed drawing when I was younger.

Any advice would be appreciated :)

The thing is you have to focus on the things you can “fix” for now.

Unless you have a time machine there is no way to change the fact that you haven’t had sex yet, and you can’t change your personality (nor should you want to), but you CAN change what you bring to the table, a job, and having a job will also allow you to work on social skills, speaking with new people etc. At a very basic level being employed will help you with dating because as a woman, if I was single again now, a man could be amazing, kind, handsome, supposedly the full package, but if he was unemployed I wouldn’t go on a date with him.

Women have always been attracted to me. Even this year a few people (one of them a man) have either shown an interest in me or behaved as if they were interested, and I’ve been told nice things about my appearance, but the problem is I spent a good ten years of my life on my own. I’m socialising a lot more now

So ask people out, go on dates and see what happens. What other solution do you want us to give you? You can sit around obsessing about this for another 30 years, or you can do something about it. Those are your options.

I understand and yes I will do that 🙂There was just one more thing I wanted to ask if possible

I know it’s a strange question but I’m only asking because someone recently said something to me about the Internet

Every person who asks a question on Mumsnet and all the people who respond, are they ordinary members of the public? For example, one man on Mumsnet started a discussion about the fact that he’s 31 and has never dated

It’s not clear what you’re asking — what do you mean ‘ordinary members of the public’? Who else would they be?

I was talking to someone recently and I told them that I’ve been told by people on Mumsnet that I may be autistic, and they basically told me that you can never be sure who you’re talking to on the Internet, the person who told me this is much older than me and from a different culture so maybe that’s why they said that

Well, of course. I mean, I wouldn’t assume that someone who claimed to be a beautiful young woman in love with you and needing only £5k for a plane ticket to arrive and pledge her eternal devotion was legit, or accept legal or medical advice. Your friend was just saying that a random in the internet isn’t the person to go to for a diagnosis of neurodivergence. See your GP.

Hi

I’m the one who started this discussion, and I was wondering if someone could explain something please because there’s something that’s really bothering me.

The same thing happened to me twice recently, once at a party and once at a Meetup event. I was talking to a girl, and in both cases she tapped me on the arm once when we were talking. I know that doesn’t mean anything. But in the end she said she was going to talk to someone else, and she walked away. Is that a sign that she didn’t want to talk to me anymore?

If she walked away from you then it’s a pretty sure sign that the chat was over yes

I did actually ask the girl I met at the Meetup event whether I had said something to upset her, and she said no she just wanted to talk to her friends. I guess she didn’t want to say why she really walked away

How can I NOT be an AFC when I’m a 34 year old man who hasn’t done it? Only men like Andrew Tate are successful with girls in 2024

Can I ask what you mean by you don’t know if I’m real?

Are there really certain things a man has to say and do, or can he just ask questions, be confident, make her laugh?

Hello @Neima41

I'm sorry you lost your mum. You must have been so close.

I mean to help here. The two biggest reasons most women wouldn't date you seriously are -
you live with a parent but not as their carer
you have no job or previous career you're taking a break from

Together these things imply "failure to launch" and that you'd be wanting a mother figure rather than an equal partner.

This isn't about your lack of skills with women, not knowing how to date or meet people. It's about how most women in their mid 30s won't get beyond a couple of dates with you anyway because you haven't got yourself together, you're not on an individual path to anywhere that they can walk alongside you on. You probably have so much to offer a partner but need to focus on you first.

Sort out the job and the living circumstances first. Otherwise you won't get far enough into a relationship for a woman to even find out that you've never had sex. Never had a job and never lived independently are two massive turnoffs, and things you can do something about.

@@Neima41 seriously?? You are very deluded if you think women are attracted to Andrew Tate!!!

I will do that of course, but are you saying that a woman would be turned off by the fact that I’ve never had sex? Some would be, I know that. I’ve read comments on Mumsnet where people said something like their brother-in law dated for the first time aged 35 and now his girlfriend is pregnant with their first child

I am saying that most women would be so turned off by you never having had a job, and never having lived independently, that they'll not go far enough down a relationship journey with you to even discover that you've never had sex. Quite a few women will also be turned off by you never having had sex. A lot more would be turned off by you referencing the total arsehole misogynist and trafficker of women Andrew Tate.

What have you been doing for the last 15 years OP? I'm baffled, you talk about things that happened at school (as if it was just the other day) and things that happened in the last year but there seems to be 15 years missing from your life. Have you just been sat on your parents sofa doing nothing all that time? That really isn't going to be attractive to women.

You need to sort your own life out before you start worrying about involving other people in your life. You are definitely not in the right place for a relationship. You need to be independent, living in your own place and with a job. You need to be concentrating on yourself right now.

The fact that you haven't had sex before is the least of your worries IMO. No one wants to be in a relationship with an over grown child.

The job thing might take a while and I am focused on that, but I don’t understand why it’s not considered ok for a man of a certain age to have never had sex, but it’s ok for a woman. I’ve read a story on Mumsnet about a man who lived at home until 35 and he now has a child.