I’m a 34-year-old man and I’ve never had a girlfriend

[Neima41]

Hi I started a new thread but I was worried I might have made a mistake so I’m writing it again. my apologies. My name is Neima and I’m a 34-year-old man and I’m new to Mumsnet. So I’ve never had a girlfriend, I’ve never dated, I’ve never had sex. I kissed a girl when I was younger. Girls have always found me attractive, I’ve always been told I have nice eyes and I’ve been told nice things about my appearance. I’m 6 foot tall, I have black hair and I’m really well-spoken. A female classmate at school and a female schoolfriend asked me out. Even a gay man was attracted to me earlier this year. I can be quiet and am kind of awkward and shy. I have a haircut every 3 or 4 weeks and I get my beard done and I try to dress well.

I am socialising more, I’ve been to a Meetup thing recently and I’m going to another on Saturday. I recently had dinner with the man who lives in the flat above the flat I used to live in. I see a group of people on Wednesdays and sometimes on Sundays as well, but they’re not friends. I’m in contact with a few people on Facebook and one person on LinkedIn. I also met someone who told me about a service at a church next to Hammersmith broadway and I’m not religious in the slightest but I went along to meet new people, I’ve been a few times.

I still feel lonely. I’ve got other problems, also I’ve cried a thousand times over the past three months. I’ve lost weight due to the stress.

I really love children, and I’m meeting someone who is helping me find a job. I’d like to work in a primary school. I’d like to teach art, because I studied art at college and I enjoyed drawing when I was younger.

Any advice would be appreciated :)

No I’ve never asked anyone on a date, and I’m actually really annoyed with myself

OK, well it sounds like you're at least bisexual and possibly gay. Is this a worry for you? If you don't have much in the way of sexual thoughts about women, but do about men (or the man that you met), most people would say it's best to go with what nature has destined.

Some would have a real problem accepting this about themselves, though.

I am a married man in my 40s. I had a very slow start to dating back in my 20s too. I found it hard to figure out how it was all supposed to work, and to push myself to try to get dates. Do you know any friends who could advise you on dating? I could try to offer advice, but it might be more effective from someone who knows you well.

I was confused about my sexuality when I was younger. I was basically having sexual thoughts about girls and boys for perhaps a couple of years, but then came to the conclusion that I was straight. I have been having sexual thoughts about the man I mentioned above, but I don’t see myself as bisexual.

if you have sexual thoughts about a man, then you probably are gay or bi. It would be very unusual for a straight man to do that, even in a drought! If he assumed you’d be up for gay sex in a park then maybe your grooming has gone beyond neat and tidy and into “no straight man would be that well groomed” territory?!

So if you are not not working now, have you ever worked? If not, why not?
We learn a lot about interacting with people and building connections in the work place.
Did you not make friends or have a girl/boy friend at art college?
If you don’t work, how can you afford to support yourself? Do you claim benefits?
Normally, if you want to teach, you will need a teaching degree or degree in art then a PGSE

I am attracted to women, sexually and emotionally, always have been. I could only ever date a woman.
Out of curiosity, what makes you think I’m bisexual? Surely there are people who are heterosexual but have sexual thoughts about a member of the same sex?

Without feeling the need to rush, next time you meet someone you like talking with (and I agree that asking questions (and responding to the answers) is a good starting point) maybe invite them for a coffee in a few days time? Something that’s low-pressure, can be quick if it turns out to be a scary experience or that you don’t have as much to talk about as you thought- or could be extended into a walk or a visit to a museum or exhibition or something if the two of you click.

Good luck! Just be yourself, and be interested in the person you’re with, and you’re unlikely to have a bad time.

Not really, no. I find many women 'attractive' but the thought of actually having sex with them does nothing for me! I've even tried it for real, and it didn't feel sexy to me. I've obviously never lived in a man's body but I gather they're much the same if they're heterosexual. I know they spend a phenomenal amount of time thinking about sex with women, and gay men the same about sex with men.

Why should he be asking? It's not socially acceptable for men to express a romantic or sexual interest in women. If women are interested, they should be asking him.

Don't be absurd. Are you one of those blokes who can't tell the difference between sexual harassment and appropriate interest? Something tells me OP has no difficulty at all with that.

@Garlicpest Don't be absurd. Are you one of those blokes who can't tell the difference between sexual harassment and appropriate interest? Something tells me OP has no difficulty at all with that.

Well expressing an interest can be workplace sexual harassment, hence why the workplace should never be a place to look for relationships.

I wasn't talking about sexual harassment in the workplace though. When I said it isn't socially acceptable, I was thinking about social settings in general. I think women have been very vocal over the past few years that they don't like men trying to make a move on them. In most cases, expressing an interest will ruin a friendship.

Thanks for the advice everyone, apart from the one idiot above

Well, that's absolute bullshit.

I'd go to Thailand and get a bit of experience....will take the edge off the nerves. Or Amsterdam.

@Neima41 have you ever been assessed for autism? I ask because i’m autistic myself and the way you communicate in your posts makes me suspect you might be one of us 🙂it might be worth looking into that - there are some tests you can do online to see if you fit any of the criteria. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being autistic, of course, but it can be helpful to have an understanding of how your brain works and how it differs from the ‘usual’ ways people operate (i say ‘usual’ rather than ‘normal’ because there’s no such thing as normal!)

As an autistic person, I find that hobby groups are great as you have something to talk ABOUT with people. You say you like music - do you enjoy any other activities like board games, climbing, learning languages, etc?

I agree with other posters that it’s best to focus on growing your social circle first before moving on to dating. Firstly, this will help improve your confidence and social skills. Secondly, having a group of friends (especially female friends) gives you something called ‘social proof’ - it will make women you’re interested in think ‘he’s a guy who gets on with women and respects them as friends, so he’s probably a decent person’

Good luck!

No I’ve never been assessed for autism. I know a small amount of Farsi and can speak basic Polish as I’m half Iranian half Polish. I don’t have many other interests so I need to do something about that.

Can autistic men date and have relationships and girlfriends? I just feel like I need to find someone NOW, otherwise it’ll be too late

Thanks for the advice 🙂

You sound very naive. And almost like you're trying to sound appealing to women in your post. Why did you say how often you have a haircut?
Why on earth would anyone care?
If people want to date you why don't you go along and see how it goes.
I'm not sure if this is the right place for you to be honest. But I wish you the best.

Sounds like he lives in London, so no need to drive.

Yes autistic people can have relationships.
Some of us even get married and have families.
You do sound like one of us. I would look at getting an assessment and maybe join some groups for adults with autism in your area, if you are diagnosed with autism.

I would ignore the advice about "going to Thailand or amsterdam to get experience". That is referring to seeing sex workers and most women would not want to date you if you have done that.

Yes I was friends with the people in my class at art college, I had a really great time there, met some nice people. I did a BTEC course and an Access course. I’m still in contact with one of those people now. I actually really miss those days.
I am on universal credit, but have been contacted by a few people who must have seen my CV. In two of those cases, when they found out I have no experience working with children, that was pretty much the end of the phone call. I was literally contacted by someone today and I’ve just sent him two scans of the teaching and learning certificate I have.

Have you ever asked someone out? If not , try it next time you’re attracted to someone who is single and seems to like you

If I’m being totally honest I would say it’s the fact you don’t work. If I was single that would be enough to put me off, especially if unemployed for a long time.

There’s so much going here it’s hard to know where to start. I’m not sure if you want suggestions on how to meet women, or if you could be gay, how to find a job or if you’re religious or not.

I had a male primary school teacher for one year and liked him, but this is primary, year 5 to be exact. There isn’t a lot of men working in primary and hardly any working in early years, go figure. You’d be better off looking at secondary, and perhaps starting by looking at TA jobs. This could be a good way of introducing you to working with young people. PGCE’s for teaching art are thin on the ground for obvious reasons, so I think you’d struggle to end up being an art teacher. It’s core subjects that will be available and funded.

I don’t think you’re going to be able to focus on the rest until you get a job, and your self-esteem and confidence increases.

I was my husband's first girlfiend. He's autistic and I met him at a dance class when he was in his early 30s.