I’m a 34-year-old man and I’ve never had a girlfriend

[Neima41]

Hi I started a new thread but I was worried I might have made a mistake so I’m writing it again. my apologies. My name is Neima and I’m a 34-year-old man and I’m new to Mumsnet. So I’ve never had a girlfriend, I’ve never dated, I’ve never had sex. I kissed a girl when I was younger. Girls have always found me attractive, I’ve always been told I have nice eyes and I’ve been told nice things about my appearance. I’m 6 foot tall, I have black hair and I’m really well-spoken. A female classmate at school and a female schoolfriend asked me out. Even a gay man was attracted to me earlier this year. I can be quiet and am kind of awkward and shy. I have a haircut every 3 or 4 weeks and I get my beard done and I try to dress well.

I am socialising more, I’ve been to a Meetup thing recently and I’m going to another on Saturday. I recently had dinner with the man who lives in the flat above the flat I used to live in. I see a group of people on Wednesdays and sometimes on Sundays as well, but they’re not friends. I’m in contact with a few people on Facebook and one person on LinkedIn. I also met someone who told me about a service at a church next to Hammersmith broadway and I’m not religious in the slightest but I went along to meet new people, I’ve been a few times.

I still feel lonely. I’ve got other problems, also I’ve cried a thousand times over the past three months. I’ve lost weight due to the stress.

I really love children, and I’m meeting someone who is helping me find a job. I’d like to work in a primary school. I’d like to teach art, because I studied art at college and I enjoyed drawing when I was younger.

Any advice would be appreciated :)

I asked a friend for advice some time ago, because there was a girl who worked at a pub I go to once a week (I meet with people there). I liked her and spoke to her a couple of times but was very nervous around her. Just so you know, I haven’t seen this friend in person for years, but we keep in contact via Facebook.

Even though I’m socialising more, I still spend a lot of time by myself. It’ll probably take me a few years to get to where loads of other men are. But I know that even if I was to enter into a relationship with someone, it wouldn’t last.

Only if they're bisexual.

Why would I want to date someone like that? Surely my first time should be with someone I care about?

Why wouldn't it last?

Definitely not. I deliberately lost my virginity with someone who (I thought, and was right about) knew what he was doing, and whom I was never going to see again. I didn't want to have sex for the first time in the context of a relationship. I was only 18, but I was right about what was going to work for me.

The way you write, it's so like my autistic friend. If you hadn't said that you were Iranian and living in London, I'd have thought it was him!

I’m better at socialising now than when I was 24, put it that way, but I am still awkward and a bit quiet. You see people chatting away in the streets, but I would sometimes struggle to do that. It would depend on what we were talking about. I think earlier in the discussion someone told me I may be autistic, so could be that

You do sound possibly autistic to me imo
Not a bad thing. Just from someone with a lot of personal and professional xp with ND folks.
I'd say join some social groups in your area on Facebook.
I would look for work at charities, volunteering at arts groups, community centre art classes
Or voluntary work in a cafe or library etc to keep your social skills going and remain employable. Works a great place to socialise, sometimes.

UC do skills boot camps and what not have you looked?
Could you go uni? I've seen some cool mental health arts therapy degrees that looks nice.

You mention you're mixed race - are your family pressuring you at all? Is there any religious component there? Just as I'm mixed and my family has actually had great experience with modern matchmakers. Sounds crazy but some are really chill now. But that's just a personal anecdote

Are you on the apps? A well written profile on a site rather than tinder etc could be great. And I don't know that I'd mention or make a big deal out of not having a date etc as it could put some women off. Everyone is awkward sometimes so any miscommunication can be played off and you'd be learning as you go.

That is a vile comment.

Do you still live at home OP?
If so it’s a good time to move out and gain some independence.

I went to uni for a year, but didn’t enjoy it. I met a few nice people, but they were people I either met once and never saw again or people I didn’t actually socialise with.

I don’t have a great relationship with my dad, we get on better now but he can be quite nasty and spiteful, and I know that if I had brought a girl home when younger he wouldn’t have liked it. My dad’s Iranian, by the way. Some of my relatives know what he can be like, they’ve spoken about it, he’s said/done things to them as well.

You mention religion, it’s interesting because I met a girl ten years ago (while I was at uni) and she told me on Facebook months later that she ‘acted around her family’. She also wrote ‘I’m not really Muslim’, so I think her family were probably a bit strict.

It’s funny, the members of my family who are/were the nicest are the ones who passed away or who I’ve met only once or twice.

I was very close to my mum, she was the best friend I’ve ever had.

I’m not on the apps, I might give them a go in the future. I’ve heard there an app that’s for people who are just looking for friendship, do you know what it’s called?

Bumble BFF is for friends, as is Meetup which you are already using.

Yoy sound like you are taking good steps to progress generally in your life, so well done for that. It might take time but getting a job and building your social circle will have a positive impact on how you feel.

You talk about having sexual thoughts about men/ a specific man. It is generally understood that if you have sexual attractions to both men and women you are bisexual. It can be hard for some people to process that though. Our upbringing, cultural or religious backgrounds can play a big role in how we see ourselves, do you rhino that is playing a role for you with regards to your sexuality?

With regards to seeking a relationship, I'd make that a goal for after finding work and building a social circle.

I’m only asking this because it’s been suggested on here that I may have autism, but I was wondering how many women would be okay with dating a man who has autism? I think I watched a video on YouTube and more than one comment said that most women would be put off

It’s such an individual condition that it’s hard to generalise. My friend (and I) are pretty sure her DH has autism and she’s been with him since the year dot. I think my DH may be autistic and I am truly happy with him. So I don’t think it’s a dealbreaker at all- you just have to find someone who fits with you. (I know- “just” like it’s easy 🙄)

I also think you may be autistic. You have shown a tendency to take things very literally and earnestly. My brother has just been diagnosed at age 55 ( and doesn’t engage with the diagnosis). Don’t be like him. My advice is go to your GP and seek an assessment. A diagnosis can help you understand yourself better, help others understand you, it can unlock support towards employment and support once you are in employment. The workplace is a lot more accepting of neurodivergence now. Go for it.

One person with autism is just that.
It's a very wide spectrum.
I'm autistic and so are three of my children.
It shouldn't put anyone off another person.

I know that several people on here have told me to focus on getting a job and THEN concentrate on dating, and I’m absolutely going to do that, but my worry is that even when I do meet more new people and date, the fact that I spent so many years on my own is going to haunt me. Secondary school and college were great for me because I was socialising most of the time. It’s the fact that I’m a 34-year-old man who doesn’t have as much experience as other people.

I don’t think it is playing a role no, I have no intention of sleeping with men or this one man (if I was still in contact with him). I’m perfectly happy to sleep with women only

Despite having sexual fantasies about men?

The man I met this year is the only man I’ve thought about recently. When I’m in the street or watching TV for example and see a man who’s good-looking, I’ll think he’s good-looking, but that’s all it is. It’s not sexual or emotional for me. Many people think about doing things that they would never do in real life. There are straight men who don’t date or have never dated. It’s personal preference I guess.

Seconding what other people said about your sounding autistic (I am as well). To be fair, it's not very nice hearing comments about how you not working would put people off (something like 80% of autistic people are unemployed and it's not because we don't want to work...). Equally, if you are a judgmental neurotypical person then that may well be the case. You need to find someone who likes you for you and who doesn't judge you by societal standards of success (which are a load of bs anyway). Your situation is very common for autistic men and women so I wouldn't fret too much. I think you're moving in the right directions. Sometimes our awkwardness will put neurotypical people off, but that is less likely to happen if you are socialising with other ND people, so I advise finding places where you might meet fellow ND people and going from there.

I am also autistic and I agree that you sound like someone who would score highly on the AQ50, and receive a diagnosis of autism.

Link to online AQ50 test:

https://psychology-tools.com/test/autism-spectrum-quotient