DH picking fights everytime I have evening plans

[Howtonamechange]

Came back yesterday evening at almost 11 from a friend's house.
I don't go out much, maybe once every 2 months or so or if there is an event or something.

However I feel it is becoming a pattern that every time I'm invited he will pick a fight either before I leave or after I come back.

He denies it's a pattern. Thinks I shouldnt be out late and will inevitably pick a fight when I come home.
He's now saying I'm "not allowed out in the evenings any more" which of course has ticked me off even more because I feel he can't or shouldn't dictate what I can or can't do.
He's saying he doesn't want anything to happen to me which is just frankly bizarre.

To me it feels controlling and just annoying and disrespectful.
I don't know if he feels he can't cope with the kids (8/6) for a few hours but he has had them on his own for whole weekends while I'm at work.

To add I have never had any problems with him going out or obstructed him going out with friends although he rarely does.

It makes no sense to me and whenever I try to bring it up it inevitably turns into a fight. What should I do?

To add, I'm not about to leave him so no ltb posts please. He's otherwise a good husband with the kids and contributes to the housework.

Loads of people who's husbands are out at work until 7 every night, then at the gym until 9 every week plus work all weekend tell their husbands that they don't want them to go out.
Why should it be different just because it's a wife who's going out?

Honestly I'd be pissed off if my OH was out every night, worked all weekend and then went out with their mates rather than spending time with the family.

No I'm not

work till 7 is quite standard. I get home about then.
the op goes to the gym one night per week. Why is your example every night? Of course most men and women would both be really unhappy with a partner who went to the gym every night, but that’s not what’s happening here.
the op doesn’t say she works every weekend, but that he has looked after the kids while she has worked weekends. That phrasing doesn’t suggest every weekend to me.
she goes out once every couple of months. Let’s say she amps it up to going out once w every single month, what a party animal. You really think that’s unreasonable?

Bloody hell OP and @RoseInBloome7 ! I go out every Monday and Tuesday nights (HIIT class and choir) and some Wednesdays too. My DH is out every Wed and every other Mon to play footie. He plays football every Sat afternoon. We both also go out to pubs/cinema /theatre/restaurants etc etc together or separately & occasionally both go away for weekends (separately) too. Both your DH's behaviour is VERY controlling! I don't care how much housework they do etc I wouldn't be putting up with that I'm afraid 🤷‍♀️

OP you said you would update but havent yet? What happened with the chat? I hope you're ok!

He barely goes out tbh. He occasionally plays squash with a mate on the weekend if we haven't got any plans.

It sounds like so many men, they don’t bother to maintain or cultivate their own friendships , interests and hobbies. And then they feel insecure about their partners having a social life beyond them. This is why single men are often more lonelier than single women.

My partner doesn’t have a lot of friends tbf but he is never annoyed if I go out with mine, he likes to do his own thing and is happy pottering around trying new recipes or visiting his siblings. I could never be with a guy who “forbid” me to go out - as if 😂 you need to put your foot down now before things escalate.

He is trying to make your world smaller because he can’t or won’t expand his.

Hello, hello, yes I've had a long drawn out chat.

I know it's not what alot of people want to hear but I'm hoping we can move forward from this.

I've made it clear that he is not responsible for my decisions or "safety" and I'm a big girl and can make appropriate judgements.

I will be looking closely to see what the future will bring but I've made it clear that I won't be tolerating this sort of nonsense.

Thank you to everyone who commented to help me get some clarity and work everything out.

I acknowledge that I do unfortunately work long hours - hopefully just temporary - and I do the occasional weekend as well and it can mean a big chunk of the childcare falls to him in the mornings and evenings before I get back which can be stressful but that being said does not excuse his behaviour towards me and what he said.

You've made your decision OP and that's perfectly fine but please continue to monitor the situation and look after yourself. This is a form of abuse and these things can often escalate into more. As long as you've made it absolutely clear that this wont be tolerated, and that your social life will not be taking a hit. He needs to accept that. Just because you work long hours that doesnt mean you dont get a social life and should be sat at home the rest of the time. Id give him this one chance to acknowledge what iv said and make a change, and if he ever even tried something like this again it would be over. Please be prepared for this to not end well, start to plan for your own future now so that you can leave the same day if it comes down to that!

Ask him what problem he has with your friends? Why should you not socialise with friends?

"I know it's not what a lot of people want to hear but I'm hoping we can move forward from this."

This is a "he" problem. Not a "we" problem. Abuse is also not a relationship issue, its about power and control.

I would also be prepared for him to further ramp up the power and control over you again in time. Sadly I think you will not be able to move forward from this mainly because he does not want to. He has not accepted any responsibility for his actions has he?.

He likely thinks that whilst you are out with your female friends you will either talk disparagingly of him or he thinks you're going to get hit on by other men. He really does want to keep you in a cage of his own paranoid making. This is his issue to resolve.

Red flags galore.

I know you said you're not going to leave.

But please. Quietly observe the other games he plays, cos once you start looking you'll probably find there's more.

The most important thing now is your eyes are open to the fact that he is controlling and that absolutely is abusive.

By all means try and move forward but if he chooses to continue to behave like that, at least you know you are being abused and hopefully can think about what sort of life and future you want to have.

Men like this are awful to grow old with as they get more and more controlling and are not happy until your life is as small as theirs.

They are desperately insecure.
So unattractive in a man.
Ick🤢🤮

Call him out for this Taliban like behaviour.