DH picking fights everytime I have evening plans

[Howtonamechange]

Came back yesterday evening at almost 11 from a friend's house.
I don't go out much, maybe once every 2 months or so or if there is an event or something.

However I feel it is becoming a pattern that every time I'm invited he will pick a fight either before I leave or after I come back.

He denies it's a pattern. Thinks I shouldnt be out late and will inevitably pick a fight when I come home.
He's now saying I'm "not allowed out in the evenings any more" which of course has ticked me off even more because I feel he can't or shouldn't dictate what I can or can't do.
He's saying he doesn't want anything to happen to me which is just frankly bizarre.

To me it feels controlling and just annoying and disrespectful.
I don't know if he feels he can't cope with the kids (8/6) for a few hours but he has had them on his own for whole weekends while I'm at work.

To add I have never had any problems with him going out or obstructed him going out with friends although he rarely does.

It makes no sense to me and whenever I try to bring it up it inevitably turns into a fight. What should I do?

To add, I'm not about to leave him so no ltb posts please. He's otherwise a good husband with the kids and contributes to the housework.

Controlling behaviour, who made him the boss??
I would have a very serious chat with him explaining that he must not try to limit your social life with his pathetic behaviour, if it isn’t received well I would seriously reconsider your options.

I had a boyfriend once who was a bit like this. It became apparent he was jealous because he didn't really have many friends or a social life. So he would make up reasons to be annoyed at me seeing my friends and having fun.

So that's my first thought as he's fine with you going to kickboxing but not seeing your friends, he's made up that he's worried something will happen to you, and he barely goes out or hangs out with friends

Mine started like this.

Then I wasn't allowed out during the day. Then I wasn't allowed to have friends, neighbours, or even my mum over.

He ended up hiding my keys every day before he went to work and locking me in.

Leave now. It won't get better.

I recall well a conversation between my mum and dad when I was young:

Mum: I'm going out with my work mates on Friday night after work
Dad: I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that
Mum: I think you've misunderstood darling, I'm not asking you, I'm telling you

Behave as you wish to be treated OP. You cannot change his behaviour, only your reaction to it

Take it seriously OP because it is both controlling and abusive and if you were to follow his demand it would in fact be coercive control.

Controlling where you can go.
That is a CRIME now.

Take it very seriously.
Have you a daughter?
Would you want her future partner telling her where she can and cannot go?

Would you want your son to abuse his partner by doing this?
Committing a crime.

Read up on Coercive control.

This is serious stuff.
Take it seriously.

And the row before and after is also abusive.
It is done to ruin your evening and make it too much hassle to go out.

He is abusive and controlling and you need to wake up to the fact he is NOT a good man.

Poor children in the midst of this.

Well done on having the talk OP. I hope you're ok and you're safe

My husband is always like this

Absolutely this. The fact you are even having an argument about it is very telling. Whether you tolerate a man like this is up to you. But don’t be ignorant. It will get worse.

Fuck that bullshit, you, re an adult, you can go out when you want. I'd go out more tbh.

And you accept it?

I wish you well.with your chat. So do not let him gaslight, or project anything on to you. There's a fair chance that he will start to come across as a victim, or blame you.

It started like this with my ex husband. After a while, I was only allowed to meet friends he approved of, and he texted constantly when I was out.

By the end, I couldn't even go to the supermarket on my own without him constantly calling me.

Took me 23 years to recognise it and another 2 years to get out.

Do not let him make you think that you are at fault here!

Hope you're ok now 💐

I hope you don't put up with it.

Well it is very controlling. You say no ltb etc but you will find over time that you avoid making plans because you know that he will make it unpleasant. Frankly he isn't a good husband if he thinks it is OK to be like this. My partner was like this. Over time his behaviour caused more resentment and chipped away at the good parts of our relationship.

Maybe you could try having date nights and prioritising him when you are home so he doesn't feel sidelined. Don't let him stop you going out.

He's now saying I'm "not allowed out in the evenings any more"

I hope you told him to fuck off to that.

My exdh would do this. Very subtle at first, but after a while he'd alienated me from my friends and most of my family, I never saw any of my friends, he'd track my mileage on the car to make sure I'd only been to work and back, I'd be accused of having an affair if I happened to mention any men I worked with. He ended up being emotionally, financially and sexually abusive. It all started with him making my life so difficult when I was going out, by causing arguments. Don't be me op and end up with 10 years of abuse.

Jesus! Me and my husband will happily travel to pick the other up if we are out at night and have done multiple times over the last 20+ years. I've done travel to pick him up an hour each way for works Christmas nights and would happily do it again.
I've driven his friend home via detour and would happily do it again too.

My DH encourages me to go out, I'm a bit of a homebody.

I would not tolerate that shit.

If you're definitely staying with him then it is all the more important that when he says things like "You're not allowed out in the evening anymore" you immediately say "That is ridiculous and of course I will go out when I please" and mean it.

Is this for real? Pander to abuse?

OP said she didn't want LTB suggestions so I'll just support some of the advice given already.

This is never ok and in every scenario I'd choose to be alone and challenge this behaviour than with someone who saw me as their possession.

Someone who told me I was not allowed out anymore, and picked fights before and after I tried to... would not be having a date night or be prioritised by me.

The OP said she went out once every couple of months, yet this man feels sidelined? Joke.

Not allowed out? Wtf?
Are you 14 and he's your dad??
It feels controlling because it is. Tell him you couldn't give two fucks what he thinks he can tell you what to do, he can't and he can fuck off.
Sick of hearing about these entitled little pricks who actually think they can tell women what to do, who the fuck do they think they are?

Who let this one out of the 1950's? 🙄

Yep, time for a bit of exposure therapy for him I think!