DH picking fights everytime I have evening plans

[Howtonamechange]

Came back yesterday evening at almost 11 from a friend's house.
I don't go out much, maybe once every 2 months or so or if there is an event or something.

However I feel it is becoming a pattern that every time I'm invited he will pick a fight either before I leave or after I come back.

He denies it's a pattern. Thinks I shouldnt be out late and will inevitably pick a fight when I come home.
He's now saying I'm "not allowed out in the evenings any more" which of course has ticked me off even more because I feel he can't or shouldn't dictate what I can or can't do.
He's saying he doesn't want anything to happen to me which is just frankly bizarre.

To me it feels controlling and just annoying and disrespectful.
I don't know if he feels he can't cope with the kids (8/6) for a few hours but he has had them on his own for whole weekends while I'm at work.

To add I have never had any problems with him going out or obstructed him going out with friends although he rarely does.

It makes no sense to me and whenever I try to bring it up it inevitably turns into a fight. What should I do?

To add, I'm not about to leave him so no ltb posts please. He's otherwise a good husband with the kids and contributes to the housework.

What does he think is going to happen to you, and does it seem plausible to you that he actually has anxiety about this or is it just a poor excuse?

This.

It's incredibly controlling behaviour, heading towards abusive.

Stop him in his tracks or this will descend into worse and worse behaviour.

Gives me the shivers just reading him saying "you're not allowed". FUCK THAT.

That's what I'd do too! lol 😜

My ex DP (didn’t live together) was like this. If I mentioned an upcoming night out with the girls he would interrogate me about it, like he was trying to catch me in a lie on the detail.

In the run up to said night out he’d make snide comments like ‘I wish I had as much money as you’ ‘I wish I had as much time to go out as you’ ‘I wish I had on tap childcare’ (we both have kids but none together - thankfully!).

On the actual night out he’d text constantly and get mad if I didn’t reply quickly enough because he was ‘just worried about my safety.’

After the night out he’d goad me about being ‘hungover’, ‘bet you were hammered’, ‘you said you’d be home at X o’clock but I saw you’d checked WhatsApp at X o’clock’. I was a nervous wreck towards the end of the relationship and dreaded being invited on nights out (which were a rare treat anyway!)

Coercive control can creep in slowly, OP.

He’s firmly in the bin now 😅

This

Coercive control. You're in an abusive relationship. Get rid

That made me LOL. 😂

Yuck. I'd tell him - one more time he comes out with shite like that, and we are done.
The thing is, this ugliness is dead certain to resurface again because there is never any reasoning with it. The one time warning is still worth it though - it only serves to highlight how pathological and strong the need to control is - it will always take over, no matter the consequences.

This… I have been married 35 yrs and in our first year of marriage when I told my husband I was going out with girlfriends he replied. “Why would you want to go out ? Aren’t I enough?” To which I replied “No, sorry you’re not and it’s unhealthy not to have your own friends”.
He is a workaholic and doesn’t prioritise friendships but is an amazing father and husband in all other ways so I was never going to leave over this.
At times I did feel a little guilty about going out but realised I only have one life and his choices aren’t more important than mine.
As he is a reasonable person he has adjusted his expectations and now I do what I like including going overseas for months at a time on my own to visit my DD and DGC.
Good luck with navigating the way forward OP.

I’d just absolutely ignore the ridiculous prohibitions on you going out. If he pipes up again, you can laugh and say something along lines of, “oh, I didn’t think you were serious! That kind of control turns me off completely and I’d never accept it”. Short, firm and factual.

No point beating around the bush and wasting years on a Luddite. The fact he can’t see his behaviour is abnormal in 2024 does not bode well. No self reflection.

Initially I thought he sounded co trolling but after your update about always being the one who gets home later, I’m wondering if he’s just had enough of doing all the after school bits with the kids.

There are women on here who will begrudge their DP a leisurely shit. This may be the reverse.

Seems he's only a good husband when you're doing what you're told.

even your explanations sound like you accept his behaviour to a degree

Explain to him that you love him and want to stay together but this is totally unacceptable and the only thing you can think of to help with it apart from leaving is to go out every single week until you feel like he’s adjusted. Then do that. One evening every single week. Maybe after your sport might be the easiest.

You've had very good practical advice on what to say to a controlling partner.

Is it because putting the kids to bed is too much hassle for him?

This is horrible.

Remember when before you were married you could go anywhere you liked when you liked?

This is how it should be.

Your h needs to piss off.

Slightly concerned we've had no update after the talk. Could you let us know you're ok @Howtonamechange?

I'm OK. I was never in any danger. Sorry I'm still digesting our talk.

I'll post an update later. Im not 100% sure where we stand just yet. I'm seeing my mum today and I want to talk things through with her.

Thank you to everyone who posted and commented. I've read every response and thought about it.

I never go out at night as I'm a miserable git who can't be arsed. I'd be out every night of the week if my DH told me I wasn't allowed to go out. Even if that just meant sitting in my car in a layby, scrolling through Mumsnet.

You don't want to leave - that's ok, but I would definitely suggest reading up about controlling behaviour, emotional/verbal abuse and coercive control. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Pat (Evans?) or Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That are useful books to read.

Are there still emotional abuse support threads on here? I found that thread very helpful just to compare experiences and see I wasn't alone.

Glad you're ok Howto. Sending hugs and digest away

That would be my red line. What’s yours, OP?

I wouldn't entertain an argument about it. I'd just tell him he is out of order, he knows he is out of order and that he should shut the fuck up.