DH picking fights everytime I have evening plans

[Howtonamechange]

Came back yesterday evening at almost 11 from a friend's house.
I don't go out much, maybe once every 2 months or so or if there is an event or something.

However I feel it is becoming a pattern that every time I'm invited he will pick a fight either before I leave or after I come back.

He denies it's a pattern. Thinks I shouldnt be out late and will inevitably pick a fight when I come home.
He's now saying I'm "not allowed out in the evenings any more" which of course has ticked me off even more because I feel he can't or shouldn't dictate what I can or can't do.
He's saying he doesn't want anything to happen to me which is just frankly bizarre.

To me it feels controlling and just annoying and disrespectful.
I don't know if he feels he can't cope with the kids (8/6) for a few hours but he has had them on his own for whole weekends while I'm at work.

To add I have never had any problems with him going out or obstructed him going out with friends although he rarely does.

It makes no sense to me and whenever I try to bring it up it inevitably turns into a fight. What should I do?

To add, I'm not about to leave him so no ltb posts please. He's otherwise a good husband with the kids and contributes to the housework.

This!!! Although it probably won’t stop him for long because abusive men do not change on a permanent basis and in fact they often get worse.

When he can produce a legal document of ownership he can decide whether you can go out!
Where do people get the idea they 'own' their partner/spouse?
I had one very similar @Howtonamechange.
The thing that finally made him fuck off was telling him I didn't need him.
If I'd have known that sooner it would have saved my mental health, my physical health and credit score.

This.
Although I don't go out at nights by choice and neither does my husband.

This.

HOW are women still with men like this in 2024?

It's not a case of 'it pisses me off when he's like that' or 'I feel it's unfair' -

IT IS LITERALLY ILLEGAL.

I would go out every night for a week - build his tolerance up - big baby

This is abuse.

LTB. Life is too short for this.

Then why put up with it?

He tried to control you with his moods/starting fights and because that hasn't worked he's moved onto actually banning you from going out?!

That's appalling behaviour and I think if you want to continue this marriage then you need to nip this in the bud.

I'd tell him in no uncertain terms that his behaviour isn't acceptable and I'd even consider seeking some marriage counselling so that someone else can make clear to him how unacceptable and controlling his behaviour is.

@Howtonamechange so he wont be going out at all then either!! cheeky controlling shit!

What? Really?

I would sit him down and say to him... if you try that sort of thing one more time, you and I have to have a serious talk about our future. And just for your info, I am going out next Wednesday and I won't be back at 11pm because I am staying overnight at my girlfriend's. If you dare to give me the silent treatment, you may as well pack your bags and get out.

My ex used to be like this. Once every few months I used to go out without him. The week leading up to me going out was Hell and the week after. I stopped going because it wasn't worth the stress of living in that environment,

He's my ex husband for this reason, I left him in 2016

Recently married. The different between my new DH and ex regarding this is night and day, he will tell me "enjoy yourself if you need picking up give me a call" etc!

He is controlling you, you're an adult, you decide if you go out or not

allowed
Are you 6?

To me it feels controlling and just annoying and disrespectful.

that is because it is controlling, annoying and disrespectful.

Wow. How manipulative can you get?! He sounds nasty.

I'm rather concerned you think he is a good husband. On this alone he really isn't. This is deeply disturbing and highly controlling behaviour and it will only get worse. When you say he is good, is this because you work hard to make sure he gets his own way in everything? Are either of your DC daughters? Will they be allowed out when older?

Sorry OP. He isn't a good man.

If you don't want to leave him then look him in the eye and ask who the fuck he thinks he is telling you you're 'not allowed'? He's your husband, not your jailor. If he ever utters those words again then there's going to be issues in your marriage. Don't put up with that shit. I'd be going out more often me

"Good husbands" don't abuse their wives. This is abuse, make no bones about it. He doesn't want you to have friends, so he's trying to isolate you.

Contributes to housework and good with the kids, and otherwise a good husband...

That's like saying he's healthy apart from the brain tumour and the rumbling appendix.

He has a core idea deep down that your relationship isn't equal, that he has the authority to allow or forbid the activities of another grown adult, that he gets to dictate to you where you spend your time. This arises from male entitlement and a deeply embedded sense of superiority.

The guff about safety is a smoke screen. That is not a concern of his.

Sit him down and ask him what equality in your marriage means to him. Tell him you had been under the impression that this was something he valued, and ask him to clarify what he believes equality means.

His answer should include the phrases 'mutual respect', 'mutual trust', and the sentence 'I recognise the fact that you are equal to me in every way and you are fully entitled to leisure time just as I am, and have the absolute right to go out in the evening'. Also 'I do not have the right to allow, let, or forbid you from using your leisure time as you see fit, because we are equal in our marriage.'

Avoid using the term fairness. That doesn't address the central issue here, which is his belief that he has the right to allow or forbid your outings.

Would you drink a cup of tea with just 5% urine in it? That's what is happening by staying with a controlling man

This is one of the stages of control OP. Mine did that. Progressed to following me. Throwing his dinner at the wall when I was invited to a 20 year school Reunion. Raped me when I got back from that event as a demonstration of his 'ownership' of me.

Please leave.

This.

I will do this tonight.

Thank you for your practical advice

I worked for a DA service and the reason why perps do this is control. He keeps starting arguments because ultimately at some point most victims will think 'it's just going to start an argument if I go out or make plans, so I'll just not go out ' .

You change your behaviour and he reduces your social world and will erode any support you have. You'll be isolated and his behaviour will further escalate like it already has done.

I appreciate you say he's a good dad, but all the blokes on programme would say they were good dads, but fail to recognise (initially) that what they were doing to the mother affected the children. Your children know what is going on, don't be fooled.

Who made him the boss of you? Tell him to act like a fully functioning adult and actually parent the DC when you have an occasional night out.

Good luck with your discussion tonight, Op.