Is this a red flag?

[Justme930]

I have noticed some concerning behaviour around my partner of 2 years and I just want some outsiders opinions on this.

He can be very argumentative. If we ever talk about a serious topic, or something he disagrees with, he will suddenly blow up and start arguing with me and turns nasty, leaving me baffled and confused as to how things have gone 0-100.

After these arguments he will blow all his money on gambling and hurt himself, break his phone, smash his things and then he tells me about it in the morning and it almost feels like he is intending to make me feel guilty.

It happened again last night, we had had a lovely meal and some drinks, the evening was great. I paid for the meal and drinks and he was going to transfer me when we got home.

Once we had returned home, we were discussing an event while we were out where a large group of men made me feel uncomfortable as I left the loo. This turned into a discussion about being a woman in this day and age, which somehow led to him getting angry at me for ‘just repeating the same thing’ and ‘he doesn’t know what else to say to me’. He ended up storming off upstairs saying he was leaving.

He didn’t go to work this morning, so I felt bad that he had rang in sick due to our argument. I bought him breakfast to try and diffuse the situation, to which he tells me he’s snapped the sim card in his phone so I can’t contact him anymore, he’s blew all the money in his bank account so he can’t transfer me for the meal and drinks and also that he stuck the SIM card pin into his skull because of our argument.

Im just in shock. This has happened lots of times before, last time he snapped my old iPhone that I’d lent him in half.

What do I do? I feel like this could progress but I also don’t know if he would do something like that.

Im anxious to confront him because he will turn it around into another argument and the process will repeat itself again.

Of course it’s a red flag. In fact it’s a whole parade of giant red flags with ‘I’m an abusive cunt’ in great big red letters plastered all over them.

Please say you don’t live together. You need to get away from this vile controlling abuser before it’s not objects he’s smashing up - it’ll be your face next.

It’s worrying you say he’s done this many times before and yet you’ve let it go. Please don’t let it go again.

It won't be long before the next thing he smashes is you. He sounds dangerous.
It also sounds like he's using you financially. Did he engineer the argument so he could have an excuse for not paying you?
I think you should leave him before this gets worse ( and it is already bad.)

So you're not allowed to disagree with him or he has a massive tantrum. Frankly, there's something wrong with a grown man who behaves like this Op. I'd get out before it gets worse

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Enormous red flags.

I'd end this relationship immediately.

Classic case of "look what you made me do". It's not you, it's him. You need to leave. This will not get better.

He clearly has major issues. It’s not your responsibility to try to fix him or change him. Be safe.

Umm...just end it now.

He sounds unhinged.

It concerns me that you even need to ask this.

Please leave this man OP. He is not a nice person.

We do live together, he pretty much moved himself in to my house and we have frequent arguments as he won’t contribute towards the food so I have to pay for it all, and again if I bring this up it turns into me apparently ‘starting arguments’ with him.

I feel almost trapped, I have tried to end things before and it has turned into threats of suicide and he always seems to manage to worm back.

Get the police to get him out

Threats of suicide when he thinks he’s losing control is straight out of the abusers textbook.

You’re not trapped, it’s your home. Tell him he needs to leave. Contact Women's Aid for advice.

Hes an abusive cocklodger. Surely deep down you know that. The fact you’re even questioning if it’s a red flag shows how much he’s worn you down.

I am aghast that you need to ask! Of course it’s a massive great red flag. This guy has serious issues, why on earth are you still with him?!?

This is horrific op. Sometimes the changes in behaviour are so incremental that you are almost conditioned to accept them. There is absolutely no coming back from this. Addiction, self harm, blame... these are all massive red flags. But regardless, why should you put up with this shit?

You need to do this safety. This is a man whose potential for violence should not be underestimated. Do you have somewhere you can stay where you will feel safe?

Jesus wept - give yourself an early Christmas present and dump this awful excuse for a human being. His living situation isn't your problem neither is his mental health.

Not surprised he invited himself to move in Op, he's another manchild who thinks he can live off you. Your house so he leaves, ignore the emotional blackmail/suicide threats, he won't do it, he just doesn't want to have to pay his own way. If he won't leave then call the police

I think I know deep down that this isn’t okay but I’m struggling as it often feels like it’s my fault, or that if I didn’t have such strong opinions on things this wouldn’t happen.

Pretty much every time he does something bad or that is hurtful it becomes my fault for starting an argument, or that I’m always having a go at him when I’m not perfect either.

I think I’m starting to see it how it really is but my perception has been so warped over the past few years. The times in between the bad can be good so I sometimes feel like it can’t be that bad. These incidents have happened maybe 10 times or so in two years. I also know exactly how it goes when I do try to leave and I worry I’m not strong enough to stick to my guns.

You know the answer to this OP.

Starting today, you need to tell him to leave. He is a dangerous and aggressive man. He may well threaten to kill himself or whatnot, but its not your problem. Begin the process today and call for backup from a male friend or Police to help remove him from your property.

He's not gambling because of arguments, he's causing arguments because of his gambling addiction. He probably had already gambled his money away before you went on the meal. Which is why you paid for it, and the drinks, otherwise he could of paid at the time.
He hasn't snapped the sim so you can't contact him, he's angry at himself for online gambling and did it to stop himself having access.
He'd rather blame you outwardly than himself because he is ashamed and hiding that it's all his fault. Meantime he is using you. You need to get him out, and if you need police to do that, so be it. What he does then is on him.

This is good advice
and it might safer to quit dating until you have some boundaries in place

Yep. Get him out. If he threatens suicide then tell him to ring Samaritans as you’re not able to help. His choices, his actions. None of this is ever, was ever, and ever will be your fault. No matter what he ends up doing.

YES!!! Get the hell away from this man ASAP.

And then get some therapy to look at why you even needed to ask this question.

Have you any friends/family who could be there when you next tell him to leave? If he threatens suicide ring the police immediately. Don’t stand for what he throws at you. This guy knows exactly how to play you. You pay all the rent and food, take him out for a meal, he kicks off, ruins the evening and YOU take HIM breakfast in bed!! This man uses and abuses you. You absolutely need rid of him and deserve better. He’s a really nasty piece of work.

Please read - Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft. Please, OP. And contact Women’s aid. You are being abused.

Please end the relationship OP! You can't carry on living like that. He is being totally unhinged. Red flags all over the place.