Is this a red flag?

[Justme930]

I have noticed some concerning behaviour around my partner of 2 years and I just want some outsiders opinions on this.

He can be very argumentative. If we ever talk about a serious topic, or something he disagrees with, he will suddenly blow up and start arguing with me and turns nasty, leaving me baffled and confused as to how things have gone 0-100.

After these arguments he will blow all his money on gambling and hurt himself, break his phone, smash his things and then he tells me about it in the morning and it almost feels like he is intending to make me feel guilty.

It happened again last night, we had had a lovely meal and some drinks, the evening was great. I paid for the meal and drinks and he was going to transfer me when we got home.

Once we had returned home, we were discussing an event while we were out where a large group of men made me feel uncomfortable as I left the loo. This turned into a discussion about being a woman in this day and age, which somehow led to him getting angry at me for ‘just repeating the same thing’ and ‘he doesn’t know what else to say to me’. He ended up storming off upstairs saying he was leaving.

He didn’t go to work this morning, so I felt bad that he had rang in sick due to our argument. I bought him breakfast to try and diffuse the situation, to which he tells me he’s snapped the sim card in his phone so I can’t contact him anymore, he’s blew all the money in his bank account so he can’t transfer me for the meal and drinks and also that he stuck the SIM card pin into his skull because of our argument.

Im just in shock. This has happened lots of times before, last time he snapped my old iPhone that I’d lent him in half.

What do I do? I feel like this could progress but I also don’t know if he would do something like that.

Im anxious to confront him because he will turn it around into another argument and the process will repeat itself again.

Exactly, either this or he causes arguments to justify a reason to gamble to himself.

He is abusing you OP.
I felt so sad reading this, that this is your life.
Contact Women’s Aid you need some proper support.
Do you have a good support network?
This situation will just deteriorate until there is nothing left of you.
You need to get free of this man he is ruining your life.

OP women are not rehabilitation centres for abusive men.

You tried and he didn’t want the help so you have to concentrate on YOU.

Please contact woman’s aid they will be able to advise you more than random internet strangers but please take notice that the responses are unanimous that he needs to go

Oh OP you're in deep shit here, please don't try to sort this on your own, you need outside help, either from a DV service like Women's Aid or, at the very least, a posse of friends/family preferably including a couple of burly men.

Firstly you're going to have to face up to the reality of what's happening here, he is horribly abusive, probably dangerous and you have been completely manipulated into staying in this relationship and sharing your living space with this man. Once you've properly taken that on board and accepted the fact that you don't love him (who could/would love someone who behaves the way he does?!!) and he certainly doesn't love you then you can throw off all that guilt and obligation he has piled on you to keep you passive while he abuses you and get him the hell out of your home and life.

At that point you will need the help I mentioned to remove his belongings and access to your property and kick him out on his arse. Please make a start on moving through those stages today, getting away from this man can't happen soon enough but you need to be safe and determined or it won't work. Don't let him know what you're doing either, you need to be at the final stage before he knows a thing about it. If he's capable of hurting himself then he's capable of hurting you, your safety has to come before everything else.

Please get him some help?

NO. She's tried, and it's way past that point. OP needs to help herself, and that means getting him out of the house and kept far away from her. He is his own repsonsibility and what OP doesn't need at this point is to be told that helping him is hers.

Men do not get to move in with women and then behave however they like, while the women work out ways to help them. Fuck that.

In that case you have done absolutely everything you can and you now need to start looking after and protecting yourself first.

Do you have a good friend or family member that you can call on to be with you? I would be changing the locks next time he goes out, seeing as it's your house. Package up all his belongings ready for him, but do not let him in. Call the police and tell them in advance that this is what you're doing and say you're concerned that he will kick off. They can then put a marker on your address and telephone number. Call 999 if/when he kicks off.

You need to get away from this man and you can't be responsible for his own decisions. He's threatened suicide as a way to control you, but if he does manage to go ahead and do it, that's not on you. It's on him.

Yes a massive red flag. He sounds like a disaster

He sounds totally deranged. Why on earth don't you just kick him out. Say your sick of his frankly manic outbursts, his pathetic overreactions and nobody deserves a partner who acts that way.
Then show him the door. At best he's severely mentally ill, at worst he's fucking evil.
You will not regret for one moment removing this idiot from your life. Do it today. And don't ever look back.

Please get help to make this man leave. He will make threats to harm himself THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT OR RESPONSIBILITY TO RESOLVE.

Your safety and welfare is as important as his is. You are allowed to prioritise it over his because you have no duty to resolve what sounds like some deeply engrained problems he has.

Do it now. Don’t wait as you will be in an even worse situation.

This is not love. It’s abuse.

Also ignore @Lollyp2

That is shite advise.

Stop trying to fix him and his unacceptable behavior. You are not responsible for the choices and decisions other adults make. He's abusive and manipulative and he's using threats of suicide to control you. Get away from him for your own sanity. You owe him nothing.

Huge red flags. You’ve been over generous with your money and time. I would leave.

Perhaps it’s worthwhile getting back to basics so as to have some objective standard of behaviour which YOU will recognise as being essential in any successful relationship . When you have put up with rotten behaviour for a couple of years, assessing situations objectively can be difficult. All relationships involve compromise the secret is to engage in a healthy purposeful compromise. So let’s start with some basic and obvious terms and conditions:

1. You play by the same rules ….when you/he are being unreasonable and have caused harm, you/he take responsibility and apologise and resolve to avoid repeating the same patterns. Saying ‘you started it’ is not taking responsibility for what has happened.
2. You listen to one another with interest and courtesy. Ranting and raving or being deliberately contrary is not listening, it is an attempt to shut down the other person.
3. Neither of you sulks problems away and blags days off work due to being ‘upset’, it is attention seeking and very manipulative.
4. You don’t engage in activities which lead to arguments and bad moods eg gambling, excessive drinking etc etc
5. You treat one another as you would wish to be treated.
6. When serious disagreements are occurring every 2/3 months (10 times in 2years) you recognise that for whatever reason, you are not compatible.
7. Nothing posted by numerous other people on Mumsnet suggests that you are living with someone who acts and thinks like an adult committed to his partner’s long term welfare.
8. Life is very short and when you still have lots of options available to you, don’t settle for the wrong person, if you do, you will resent them and regret your indecisiveness. You can leave this relationship and start to lead a fulfilling life free from his behavioural issues. Good luck xxx

You have ‘literally tried everything’ but none of it is yours to try! HE can change this, you cannot change him. What you can do is change your response-and that’s what every single person on this thread wants you to do. What’s stopping you? How would anything be worse without him?

Sounds like he has borderline PD. There's no fixing this. I think this is very much not the relationship you would have chosen when you met him. I bet you've lied to a lot of people about how bad it is. Was he very charismatic and love bombing at the start?

Do you have friends you trust who can support you? You need to present him moving out as a fait accompli so when he has left the house get people round (maybe even the police), pack up all his things and change the locks. Then when he returns just hand him his stuff and tell him never to contact you again. It's not a negotiation - it's over. It'll be hard and you will miss him but when you're feeling lonely put your phone in another room. Best of luck!

JFC, even without the aggression the tantrums are enough to get rid. And you don't need to get him help, he's a grown man who is responsible for sorting his own shit out. Get him out of your house by the safest means available then change the locks, block his number and move on.

An ex once threatened suicide after realising it was over. He was told to find someone who cares. It's just another trick to manipulate, don't fall for it.

Some stories don't have a good ending and he sounds as if he's making the relationship into an arena where he acts out, causing damage rather than seeking repair. Please don't go further towards whatever end his story will take.

Please do contact police and Women's Aid. He's not your responsibility to rescue, however lovable he may be in between times.

Yes it’s not at all what i expected at the start. Looking back he probably did ‘love bomb’ me, he told me he loved me within a few weeks which took me off guard and he moved himself in within a few months. He would always tells me how well he was going to treat me.

I haven’t told anyone in my life about what it’s really like, other than one close friend. She knows and has been telling me to leave, and I have tried so many times. But I always end up being manipulated back somehow. A few months ago was a ‘final straw’ and I was so close - he left and went back to his mums, he asked if we could chat about things after a week and I gave in to his empty promises again and now I’m back here again today.

I’m honestly so worn down by it all.

Thank you everyone who has commented also with advice and kind words, I really do appreciate it. I know it may seem obvious to others that this behaviour is a red flag but being in the midst of it all it’s sometimes hard to see things for how they really are.

Get out now. My partner had what some would describe as red flag anger behaviours but was able to be introspective and has had some therapy and is now a completely different person. I would suggest that this is very rare though and one thing he did not ever do was blame me for any of them. I did spend time living on egg shells and I would not have done it long term. This is abusive behaviour and if he can't recognise it and be willing to take the steps to change (which isn't just saying they'll change but getting the help and support needed to change) you need to get out.

It's not your job to get this man help. He's an adult. He is using these tantrums to manipulate you into doing what he wants. Threats of suicide when you talk about ending the relationship, "hurting himself" to win arguments but never hurting himself enough to need medical help, living in your home without contributing, financially or otherwise. Starting arguments to avoid paying you what he owes you. Huge red flags. He's a whole set of bunting. The only person's mental wellbeing you are responsible for is your own. Get this man out of your house and out of your life. If you have brothers, cousins, male friends, who might be able to help get him out, do that. If not, and you feel like you need them, ring the police. This man is abusive, manipulative and sounds like he could become dangerous if he doesn't get his own way.

This is your home and you deserve to feel safe and respected in it.

It might be something like a brain tumour, that would explain the worsening of his behaviour.

It's NOT a fucking brain tumour! Why say that when you must know she is already without boundaries and may well jump on this to enable herself to excuse him as a victim?

Please look up coercive control. It's a form of domestic violence and feelings trapped or you're walking on eggshells is absolutely classic. As is feeling afraid to broach conversations, feeling like only their opinions count, control over money and making you feel guilty about seeing friends and family.

You've got yourself a deranged cocklodger. Take advice as to how to get him to leave - men like him can be dangerous when you stand up to them, don't hesitate to involve the police if necessary.
Don't take any notice of suicide threats, men like that rarely if ever follow through on those threats. If he does threaten it, ask the police for a welfare check.
You'll probably be surprised by how quickly he finds another woman to leach off, those types always do.

Sometimes they're the only signs before severe harm. Please get out.

The only person who can help him is a mental health professional.

If he threatens suicide, phone 999 immediately and ask for a welfare check. Ask them to do an involuntary psych hold (they do this in the US not sure about the UK) and use the few days he is away to change the locks if you own the property or move out if you are renting. Let his mother, father, siblings, and close friends know that he is obsessed with you and threatening suicide and the best thing you can do is leave his life cutting all contact to avoid him coming to harm.

If he is serious about the threats he needs professional help, therapy and possibly medication. If he is just manipulating you, being locked up for 72 hours in a psych ward will stop that from happening again.