Is this a red flag?

[Justme930]

I have noticed some concerning behaviour around my partner of 2 years and I just want some outsiders opinions on this.

He can be very argumentative. If we ever talk about a serious topic, or something he disagrees with, he will suddenly blow up and start arguing with me and turns nasty, leaving me baffled and confused as to how things have gone 0-100.

After these arguments he will blow all his money on gambling and hurt himself, break his phone, smash his things and then he tells me about it in the morning and it almost feels like he is intending to make me feel guilty.

It happened again last night, we had had a lovely meal and some drinks, the evening was great. I paid for the meal and drinks and he was going to transfer me when we got home.

Once we had returned home, we were discussing an event while we were out where a large group of men made me feel uncomfortable as I left the loo. This turned into a discussion about being a woman in this day and age, which somehow led to him getting angry at me for ‘just repeating the same thing’ and ‘he doesn’t know what else to say to me’. He ended up storming off upstairs saying he was leaving.

He didn’t go to work this morning, so I felt bad that he had rang in sick due to our argument. I bought him breakfast to try and diffuse the situation, to which he tells me he’s snapped the sim card in his phone so I can’t contact him anymore, he’s blew all the money in his bank account so he can’t transfer me for the meal and drinks and also that he stuck the SIM card pin into his skull because of our argument.

Im just in shock. This has happened lots of times before, last time he snapped my old iPhone that I’d lent him in half.

What do I do? I feel like this could progress but I also don’t know if he would do something like that.

Im anxious to confront him because he will turn it around into another argument and the process will repeat itself again.

He's an absolute twazzock.

Bless you! This sounds so surreal.
It's not only a red flag but a call out for help.
Please get him some health as his mental health is not sound.

"Stuck the sim card into his skull?"
Did he go to hospital after this?
Please get him some help as soon as

He hasn't been to hospital no, it was the pin that you use to put into the hole to remove the SIM card. I honestly haven’t even seen a mark so it may be small or maybe he didn’t actually do it but I don’t want to accuse him of lying as that will obviously not go down well either.

I didn’t see anything that happened as after he stormed off upstairs I was upset and went to sleep on the sofa. He didn’t mention anything until this morning when I took him his breakfast.

By the third paragraph I had read enough.
Huge 🚩 🚩🚩

Leave, carefully.
Do not look back.
Take everything you will ever need when you are going.

edited: just seen he has moved into your house.
get urgent advice from Women’s Aid or similar as to how to get him out and keep yourself safe. You are in a domestic violence relationship and need help asap.

It's MORE THAN A RED FLAG!!

You are already in a domestic violence situation.
You are already being abused, coerced and controlled.

You must call the police and have him removed from your property.

Then you must find some therapy to try and unpick how you got here.

Wait till he leaves the house, get the locks changed, and log the situation with 101 because he sounds like he could turn nasty.

I will add I’ve tried so many times to get him help. He will attend therapy for a week and then never goes back, he refuses to get help for the gambling and I know now that he won’t ever stop. He’s on the sick from work almost all of the time and tells them he’s depressed but then tells me he just can’t be bothered.

I’ve literally tried everything and he won’t do any of it. He was offered a chance to do in patient rehab fully funded which is apparently a rare offer and he refused

Oh come on, you don't need outsiders pov . It's very obvious.

This is terrible advice. It is NOT on OP to get this man help. Particularly as he is using these threats of harm and self sabotage to manipulate OP.

OP, you say I think I know deep down that this isn’t okay but I’m struggling as it often feels like it’s my fault, or that if I didn’t have such strong opinions on things this wouldn’t happen. Both DH and I have very strong opinions on a few things. Do you know what happens when we argue about these things? We try to get the other one to see our side. The other person listens. Sometimes it gets heated. Sometimes we even agree that this is not a converation we should continue as neither of us are goign to budge. And then, wait for it, neither of us harms ourselves, threatens the other one, or does anything to cause pain to each other or ourselves. Similarly, neither of us has to miss work because of an argument.

Strong opinions is not the issue.

Oh, and the moving in by stealth is another classic tactic.

I'd also say it's not that surprising that this is a huge blow up because you are talking about how women are treated - lots of men like this are deeply misogynist and he doesn't want to hear about anything that suggests men's behaviour is a problem.

As he's moved in with you, you need to get him out. My advice is to simply not let him back in ever again and tell him the relationship is over. Pack up his stuff and leave it outside for him to collect.

Get this man out of your life, and do it now. He is no good, he won't get better (probably will get worse) and it is NOT your fault, nor your responsibility to fix him or keep him stable or anything like that.

If you're worried about getting him out safely, do you have any brothers or male cousins? Tell them what you've told us and ask them for their help removing him from your home. They will understand and they will want to help you.

Good luck!

Please contact Woman's Aid for advice on protecting your self. This will only escalate.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

@Justme930 so he’s controlling and abusive. Just because he doesn’t hit you doesn’t mean this isn’t abuse.

his behaviour screams tip toe around my emotions or moods or I will kick off.

contact women’s aid about how to handle ending this as safely as possible.

Contact the police for a Clare’s law request and explain you are looking at ending the relationship but fear for your safety.

it is not your responsibility to get him help or make him better. He will not take responsibility as he doesn’t need to as he has you where he wants you - providing a house and food and everything he wants. Why would he want to change?

You stop trying to get him help, stop trying to work out why and stop making him breakfast.

Contact Womens' Aid as soon as it's safe to, and make a plan to get him out of the house, you will need help to do this safely.

This has gone so far beyond is this a red flag stage, he's wrapped his enormous red flag around you and rolled you up in it and is booting you round the floor.

Get help, get him out, do the work you need to do to make sure someone like this doesn't sneak below your defences again in future.

You need to leave. Asap. Start planning it now and time it so that you can do it safely. He sounds extremely volatile and potentially dangerous. The good times will become less and less. Don't stick around to see your life deteriorate any further.

Pathetic wanker. You are not responsible for him. Change your locks.

He's abusing you.

Is this a red flag?
Um....
No - it's a million red flags all sewn together.

To start with, personally at least, any man who belittles my experiences using a toilet (in whatever way) and at me being annoyed at other men - is definitely "dump on the pavement" material!

It’s her home. He needs to leave. That’s why most are suggesting she talks to women’s aid and the police.

Do you seriously have to ASK whether this is a red flag?

You must, surely, be fully aware that this behaviour is abusive, manipulative and unstable. Of course it's a red flag. It's a million red flags.

He is abusing you. His mental health or suicidal tendencies are not your responsibility (highly doubt he has them, they are just a control tactic). Neither is his living arrangements. I'm not even convinced he's spending all his money on gambling either unless you can see his bank statements. The only responsibility you have is to yourself.

Contact the police and ask for their advice on how you can safely remove a violent man from your home.

Then contact Women's Aid.

Just the word ‘nasty’ 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

This is abuse. It is more than a gambling problem. It may be more than mental health problem. It might be something like a brain tumour, that would explain the worsening of his behaviour.
The common factor is that you must disconnect from this man, it is the only way to ensure that YOU OP stay safe.

please tell him to move out and get the police involved if he wont go. this man will harm you eventually and nope, its not your job to fix him or get him help

Christ. What a freak.

You really want to stay involved with him?

He a total weirdo.

Are you serious??? She’s being financially and emotionally abused and controlled and he’s using every trick on the book to gaslight and manipulate her and you think she needs to help him?

She’s not a rehabilitation centre for a damaged man. She has to be her own priority not worry about getting help for her abuser