Is this a red flag?

[Justme930]

I have noticed some concerning behaviour around my partner of 2 years and I just want some outsiders opinions on this.

He can be very argumentative. If we ever talk about a serious topic, or something he disagrees with, he will suddenly blow up and start arguing with me and turns nasty, leaving me baffled and confused as to how things have gone 0-100.

After these arguments he will blow all his money on gambling and hurt himself, break his phone, smash his things and then he tells me about it in the morning and it almost feels like he is intending to make me feel guilty.

It happened again last night, we had had a lovely meal and some drinks, the evening was great. I paid for the meal and drinks and he was going to transfer me when we got home.

Once we had returned home, we were discussing an event while we were out where a large group of men made me feel uncomfortable as I left the loo. This turned into a discussion about being a woman in this day and age, which somehow led to him getting angry at me for ‘just repeating the same thing’ and ‘he doesn’t know what else to say to me’. He ended up storming off upstairs saying he was leaving.

He didn’t go to work this morning, so I felt bad that he had rang in sick due to our argument. I bought him breakfast to try and diffuse the situation, to which he tells me he’s snapped the sim card in his phone so I can’t contact him anymore, he’s blew all the money in his bank account so he can’t transfer me for the meal and drinks and also that he stuck the SIM card pin into his skull because of our argument.

Im just in shock. This has happened lots of times before, last time he snapped my old iPhone that I’d lent him in half.

What do I do? I feel like this could progress but I also don’t know if he would do something like that.

Im anxious to confront him because he will turn it around into another argument and the process will repeat itself again.

🚩🚩🚩

You’re worth so much more than this, OP, even though your belief in your own value has been eroded. You can start to build up your self worth by telling this person to leave.

You don’t have to wait for any arrangements on his part. You don’t owe him anything. He clearly has many issues to sort out, and is using you as part of his avoidance. He won’t change unless he decides to, but you can change your situation.

I’ve not read all posts, so apologies for any repetition, but threats of suicide if someone leaves fall squarely under manipulation. A genuinely suicidal person generally behaves differently. Fwiw I had a partner who said he’d chuck himself under a bus if I left. I left. Twenty five years later, he’s alive and kicking the last I heard.

Wishing you strength and clarity.

So he can go to his mums - so definitely liaise with women’s aid and police on how to make this potentially volatile man leave your home and then go no contact.

You can do this OP. Tell him to stay at his mums again and this time don’t agree to chat and take him back. Tell him this time is final

And please please take everyone’s advice and contact Women’s Aid for advice

It's not a brain tumour. How is this helpful given that the OP is in the situation where a man has "moved himself in" and proceeded to terrorise her in her own home and she's not felt able to do anything about it because she's experiencing abuse.

Brain tumour my arse, this is such abject nonsense and just sows another seed of doubt for OP and any other woman reading this who's in the same situation, that she can't kick him out because, brain tumour, must continue to investigate and unravel and plead.

No, it stops here, brain tumour or not, it's not your responsiblility to fix. Get help, and get him out. He is his own problem, not yours, and it's not your role to work out the cause of the behaviour, it's your job to say you don't want to live with it any longer and do something about it, that is all.

Pretty sure you must know the answer to this. He is unhinged and uses you to indulge in some pretty nasty behaviour whilst feeling entitled to do so because 'it's your fault'. You need to leave this guy asap and then get to therapy to explore what it is that has lead you to be with a man like this.

You poor thing, this must have been an incredibly lonely time. It's terrible bad luck that this parasite came into your life but you can eject him. His way of thinking is totally warped so you'll never understand him because he's not normal. Won't it be a relief to not have to dance to his tune?

It's really common for women leaving abusive relationships to have some false starts. You know from the last time that he can suck you back in so you need to block his number. If he contacts you another way consider changing your own. I would stay with a friend the first few days and definitely keep your phone in another room so it's harder to give in. Tell your neighbours that if they see him at your place they should call the police.

I promise you you will get through this, it's hard but you are tougher than you know. You can do hard things. There is a bright future ahead, you have to have faith that you can get there. I would urge you to get therapy with someone who can really boost your self-esteem.

How old is he?

what he is doing is a classic abuser tactic called DARVO

https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/explaining-darvo-deny-attack-reverse-victim-amp-offender

it’s not your fault. It’s him. And he won’t change. His behaviour will escalate. Please read this book.
https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Speak to women’s aid about how to end your relationship safely. Please do not tell him you are ending the relationship as this is the most dangerous time for a woman. I would urge you to wait until you know he will be out for a while, to go to work or something and have a locksmith booked. Have your locks changed.

Call the local police and tell them you are ending your abusive relationship and you would like them to tag your address as you believe your ex partner might turn up and be a danger to you. This means that if he does, they will attend as a priority.

When he is out and the locks have been changed, text him telling him the relationship is over because he is abusive and you want nothing more to do with him, do not contact you. Tell him you will send his belongings to, (family/friends house).

He will prob call or text you. Ignore it. Block him on all social media. Keep your door locked. If he comes to the house do not answer the door. Call the police.

Once you have had his belongings removed from your home, block him on all social media, email and phone. Go no contact. If he threatens you in any way, call the police. If he threatens suicide, call the police, (this is a common coercive control tactic and it’s highly unlikely he will actually harm himself). Pass the duty of care to the police who will do a welfare check on him.

I would also advise you to do the freedom programme, (in person if possible but online is also fine). And think about having some counselling to understand how you go about setting and maintaining healthy boundaries and why you haven’t been able to do this for yourself. You might want to read, “Be More Assertive” by Suzi Hayward and have a look at this short, basic workbook on assertiveness.

https://emmaashford.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/Learning-to-be-assertive-workbook.pdf

You haven’t done anything to deserve this. It’s not your fault. You are not responsible for his behaviour or his choices. He is financially and emotionally abusive. He uses threats of self harm to control you. He acts out violently by breaking things, etc and this will escalate to violence against you. This won’t get better. This is domestic abuse and it always escalates. You cannot change him. He will not change himself. Even if he apologises and promises to change, he won’t. As soon as you go back, within a short time the behaviour will escalate again. These men tend to follow patterns of abuse and every time you go back or forgive them for their abusive behaviour, whether through hope of better or fear, it gives them the message that you will accept that behaviour and they can push you even further.

It’s great that it’s your home because if he just moved in and isn’t on any lease or mortgage agreement, then he has zero legal right to be there. Do not worry about him. He’s a grown man and he was able to look after himself before you met and will be able to do so again now. He is not your responsibility. It’s not you who put him in the position he’s about to be in, it’s his behaviour that’s caused all of this. All of it.

You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. You deserve to live free from violence and abuse. You deserve to have peace in your life. I hope this is helpful and that you can find the courage to end this relationship before you become another statistic.

OP you know that his behaviour is unacceptable, dangerous and manipulative. Of course you know which is why you've tried so many times to end it. You need to sort this out once and for all.

Tell him to leave and if he refuses, you can call the police to have him removed. Then NO contact - no calls, texts or meeting up to 'talk about things'

Get support from your friends and family - tell people what has been going on. Change your locks and get a ring doorbell so you can see if he comes to your house. If you're at all worried about your safety, speak to the police and get advice from Women's Aid.

I know it's hard but you will be so glad you've done it. Take care of yourself 💐

Leave the bastard. Leave the bastard. Leave the bastard.

He is abusing you.

He sounds a lot like my horrible, abusive ex. Identical in fact. His initials aren’t DW, are they and he’s aged 53?

KICK. HIM. OUT. TODAY.

He won't change. Evict him and block him on everything.

He doesn't just have a red flag, he has a whole fucking banner of red flags.

He will hurt you next.

GET.HIM.OUT!

Okay, the first thing you have to do is get it straight in your own head that he will not change. You have to believe it.

No matter what he says or promises, he will NOT change.

When you kick him out, have a few stock phrases and just repeat them over and over like a broken record, no matter what he says:

"It is over. I won't change my mind."

If he blames you for his actions, have this stock phrase:

"I am not responsible for your actions. You are."

This is ALL you have to say. No more. Repeat it for every single thing he says.

Do NOT get sucked into a conversation with him. Do not try to defend yourself (verbally). You do NOT need to defend yourself no matter what he says.

If he threatens self-harm, call the police for him.

Then NEVER speak to him again. Don't get sucked into a discussion for closure or whatever reason ANYTIME in the future.

I promise you, he will not change. But you have to be strong now and get your own head straight.

Good luck!

It’s really shocking and absurd to me that you even need to ask!

Literally about to comment the exact same as this!

Please leave this abusive man. Once you see the light & the fog lifts you'll wonder how you put up with it for so long.

Seek out Women's Aid in your area for support too & stay strong. Leaving & the immediate aftermath is the hardest (and most dangerous time) so have a plan in place & don't get sucked into his manipulative tactics threatening self-harm etc. Stay safe & strong in your decision.

This all sounds very familiar and it ended in physical abuse. It won't get better, no matter what you do. Your only option is to leave.

She's being manipulated!

I have three words to say to you which sum it all up in a nutshell:

Kick him out.

You are not responsible for his attitude, his rages, his mental health, gambling or suicide threats, or anything else. That's all down to him. He's blaming you for everything and the suicide threats are blackmail, plain and simple. He is an abusive bastard, and if he refuses to leave of his own accord, then call the police and tell them he is threatening you in your own home.

This is more than a red flag this is a whole army of them. Get out or get him out now!

You need help to get him out, he's trained you to put him first and you need someone who won't allow him to sway you. Please end it Op, get a friend, family, the police, anyone who'll make him go, then block him everywhere. Get a ring doorbell and change the locks so he can't get back in. If you don't speak to him he can't change your mind so you need to block every avenue to you

Ah, so in the past he has gone back to his mother's home. Good.

He has somewhere else he can live, so you are not kicking him out onto the streets and making him homeless. You will be sending him back to Mum, who will no doubt be overjoyed at the prospect, but that is not your concern.

Please do what everybody on the thread is telling you to do, and give him his marching orders. If you would feel safer if someone else was at home with you when you tell him, then contact a friend, family member or neighbour and ask for their help. Anybody really, and ideally someone large and formidable.

OP, your life is at risk. This man is very dangerous. There is a high risk that he will escalate from smashing phones etc to beating you up, or worse.

He needs treatment for his mental illness, but that is not your responsibility. And nothing you could do would be likely to help him or ease the situation.

As PP have said, you need to get him out. Ring Women's Aid for advice, and find out if the police will help. But get him out. And don't let anything he does persuade you to let him come back.

Yes - he is all red-flag!

Most important of all:
You are not a support-human put on earth to ensure that he does not get angry, break things, or overspend.

He has choices (to engage with help - to address his gambling - to smash things he needs).

You have choices (to be happy - to have opinions without fear- not to pay for someone else unless you wish to).

You are living with an abuser and need help to get free of this. Engage with that help and keep seeing him as the man he is not the man he says he is/will be.

This is worrying. He seems unable to process certain emotions brought up by your conversations in a healthy way.

He needs professional support for the anger, self-harming and whatever is underlying them. However, we all know how that suggestion would be received!!

The problem is not just that this may escalate into physical abuse towards you, but there’s no space for you to have your own outbursts because he will always make them about him. You are also adults in an adult relationship who need to have serious conversations and be able to disagree respectfully. He can’t do this. Effectively he’s silencing you.