Is this a red flag?

[Justme930]

I have noticed some concerning behaviour around my partner of 2 years and I just want some outsiders opinions on this.

He can be very argumentative. If we ever talk about a serious topic, or something he disagrees with, he will suddenly blow up and start arguing with me and turns nasty, leaving me baffled and confused as to how things have gone 0-100.

After these arguments he will blow all his money on gambling and hurt himself, break his phone, smash his things and then he tells me about it in the morning and it almost feels like he is intending to make me feel guilty.

It happened again last night, we had had a lovely meal and some drinks, the evening was great. I paid for the meal and drinks and he was going to transfer me when we got home.

Once we had returned home, we were discussing an event while we were out where a large group of men made me feel uncomfortable as I left the loo. This turned into a discussion about being a woman in this day and age, which somehow led to him getting angry at me for ‘just repeating the same thing’ and ‘he doesn’t know what else to say to me’. He ended up storming off upstairs saying he was leaving.

He didn’t go to work this morning, so I felt bad that he had rang in sick due to our argument. I bought him breakfast to try and diffuse the situation, to which he tells me he’s snapped the sim card in his phone so I can’t contact him anymore, he’s blew all the money in his bank account so he can’t transfer me for the meal and drinks and also that he stuck the SIM card pin into his skull because of our argument.

Im just in shock. This has happened lots of times before, last time he snapped my old iPhone that I’d lent him in half.

What do I do? I feel like this could progress but I also don’t know if he would do something like that.

Im anxious to confront him because he will turn it around into another argument and the process will repeat itself again.

Thank you for your words of support. I’m looking at speaking to some people from the links shared today and hopefully start the process but I’m so anxious about it all.

I have avoided him all day, he has sulked upstairs but I work from home so I can’t really leave the house to get away. It’s all just such a mess and I can’t believe I’m in this situation.

I am also utterly shocked to hear so many people telling me this is abuse. I know it sounds stupid but it had never entered my mind that it was as serious as that, I almost can’t allow myself to believe it and I’m worried about wasting anyone’s time. He has never hit me but he has often talked about his anger and how he gets enraged and thinks about hurting people who annoy him at work, or just over really minor problems. He always says he would never hurt a female, but when incidents like last night happen he does scare me. If I ever tell him it scares me he responds telling me ‘if you really think I’d ever hit you then I’ll just walk out and leave you now, do you think I want to be like this’ and I obviously in the past have just forgave it.

I feel like I have been so naive.

🫡🤝 exactly this ! Spot on

How would you know it was abuse if you've never experienced anything like this before OP? It's not your fault and you're not naive, you've just been lucky enough not to have encountered this kind of behaviour before, that's all. It's what you do now you do know that matters, don't waste time or energy berating yourself, you need all your focus and strength to get yourself out of the situation you find yourself in. Please tread carefully and definitely get some support before you take any sort of action

In the UK you can’t just ask for someone to be locked up. Don’t do this OP, standing in front of a violent/abusive man and asking someone on the phone to section him isn’t safe and it won’t happen. If he is violent against you or won’t leave voluntarily then do call the police, but don’t mention sectioning or involuntary psych holds

Do you really need to ask?
He sound absolutely unhinged

You need to leave him, now!

He's living in the OP's home, so he is the one who needs to leave.

OP - just because he hasn’t hurt you physically doesn’t mean it’s any less abusive. He is financially and emotionally controlling and manipulating you and that’s classic abuse. His threats to harm himself is also a textbook abusers tactic to keep you under control.

Look up DARVO - that’s exactly what this nasty fucker is doing.

Hes a common or garden abusive cunt - now your eyes are open to what he is you won’t ever be able to unsee the truth.

I felt exactly the same as you - when I first spoke to someone at Women's Aid I started the conversation by saying "I don't want to waste your time.." and by the end of the conversation realised I was in a coercive controlling abusive relationship.

You've had 2 years of being gaslit & manipulated, word-salad every time you try to have a conversation (I used to feel like I'd lost the ability to get my point across) then it's no wonder you feel this way.

Just because he hasn't hit you does not mean it is not abuse. I hope you get all the validation you need after speaking to Women's Aid & can put a plan in place to get him out of your life safely 👏

You are NOT wasting anyone's time. If you still doubt us then please contact Women's Aid, they will chat to you and help clear your mind so you can see what is happening to you. Remember they have heard everything before and nothing will surprise them (unfortunately). If they don't think it's bad (they will) they will still offer you emotional support during this process.

I didn't think mine was bad until I contacted them. They opened my eyes and I'm now absolutely horrified at how I was treated during my marriage. Since then I've opened up to my GP and other health professionals. They all say the same thing - it wasn't my fault he was a nasty abusive man.

Sounds like my relationship with my unmedicated adhd boyfriend of 2 years. I've split wirh him and he is residing at my mums as he has no where to go. Adhd rage. Get rid. Mine smashed my car up inside so now I have no car til it's fixed. It's a 13k car I'm devastated

Why is YOUR mum sheltering him? He should just go. .. Fuck around, find out.

This is shocking. He's a very dangerous man and you must get advice from a qualified professional, please call women's aid from a friend's phone or a burner asap. Make sure he can't see this thread.

I don't want him homeless. Apparently he's shown remorse and I'm seeing him in a bit anyways I'm leaving this thread

RUN. While you still can. There are huge red flags. He is selfish, addicted to gambling, cavalier with your money, dishonest, has rages then turns on you and takes it out on you.

Narcissistic psychopathology springs to mind. Please get out while you can. Make careful preparations to leave, tell trusted people what you plan and exit. You need to potentially tell these same things to someone if you have nit already done so. This guy only loves himself and the reflection of himself in your eyes.

Are there any children caught up in this?

Funnily enough I have ADHD myself and I am almost certain he does too (although he is not diagnosed).

But it’s not an excuse, I would never do the things he does and has done to me previously.

Im so sorry you went through that, I hope he is going to pay to get your car fixed

Yes he is. Men are different to women. Mine was the very naughty boy in school had meds and not to bad chaotic home life. At 18 when things went wrong and he was made homeless he came of concerta and ended up in prison. It's taken nearly 2 years with psych UK to try and get them back. Meds review next month to go back on them. He took one of mine recently and was a different man. Get 80mg of propanolol from gp for him and get a referral to adhd under right to chose. Mine does this through anxiety I've realised this. Propanolol 80mg in the morning helps. On the day he smashed car up it was because I didn't feel the emotional warmth anymore and wanted to split and obvs he got anxious upset then angry. No excuse but do get him to the GP for propanolol see if it helps and get that referral.

It's not a woman's job to take care of a man.

It’s a whole carnival of red flags!! Run away 🏃‍♂️

It's not your responsibility to take him to the GP, it's his. It doesn't sound as though he even wants to change. Call women's aid, get him out.

ADHD is not a reason for people being abusive and by linking the two, you are absolving the abuser of taking responsibility for their behaviour. This is also a massive disservice to people with ADHD. Mental health issues or additional support needs do not equate to being abusive. That’s not to say that someone with adhd can’t also be abusive because they can, but having adhd is not the cause of abusive behaviour. Abusive behaviour is a CHOICE, adhd is NOT. Your partner may have adhd but that’s not why he’s abusive. He’s abusive because he chooses to be abusive. And just because meds might make him calmer, that doesn’t mean he won’t still be abusive. His abuse will likely remain whether he receives treatment for adhd or not. And before you ask what I know about adhd and abuse, quite a lot. I have an adhd child and I have supported hundreds over women experiencing domestic abuse for a number of years. Please do not conflate adhd with abusive behaviour and use it to excuse said behaviour.

@Treeinthesky

On the day he smashed car up it was because I didn't feel the emotional warmth anymore and wanted to split and obvs he got anxious upset then angry.

You said you wanted to end the relationship, he smashed up your car as a response. That is not reasonable, in any language, or for any reason.

If you want to spend your life making excuses for someone's behaviour, that's entirely your perogative, if that's how you feel your life is best spent. But I don't feel it is reasonable to suggest that OP must go to the GP and get him a prescription, this isn't how it works. Adults need to take responsibility for their own behaviour, whether they are men or women, and a response to the OP's position is not to keep marching a very naughty boy to the doctors because he can't handle himself.

He is a psycho.

You need to throw him out and change the locks. Tell the police when you have done this and take a break from dating and men for a while. Don't let him worm his way back in or manipulate.

You have done well to come here to MN for advice and support to see his behaviour for what it is.

Good luck with the next steps of getting him gone. You are not, as someone upthread posted, his support human.

lundybancroft.com/books/

www.womensaid.org.uk/

Any thread of suicide, phone 999.

You have got this.