Wanting to leave my perfect husband

[Nixiha]

Am I a complete monster?

I (31) have been with husband (32) for 12 years and we have been married for 7 years.
We have two great kids aged 4 and 1 and we also have two dogs, one we've raised from a puppy and one that we rescued.

My husband is such an amazing person, he's a fantastic husband who fully supports me, he absolutely adores me, wants to have sex all the time, is a great dad, tells me me loves me every day, tells me that I'm beautiful, makes me laugh and works so hard to support our family.

My heart wants to leave though. It's been clear to me for years that I love him dearly, but as a friend. I knew this when I married him. I felt nauseous the night before, a knot in my stomach and clammy hands on the day and I could barely look him in the eye during the ceremony because he was looking at me with such love and devotion in his eyes. I squashed all of this away because we work so effortlessly together as a team, I knew he'd be a wonderful father, I loved his family and he's still my best friend and I never want to hurt him.

Now married for 7 years with our great kids, life should be a dream but my heart is slowly breaking into pieces. It's dawning on me that no matter how blissfully happy he seems with me, I've sucked the soul out of my husband over the years. The young man I met had big passions, he loved rock climbing, hill walking, abseiling, skiing, kayaking, playing rugby and loads more. He would walk into a pub and immediately befriend every stranger, he was so sociable and friendly.
These days he does nothing. He gave up everything one by one and now he has no passions or hobbies or friends that he sees often. He works in forestry which he loves, but it's such a physical job he is so tired at the weekends he probably wouldn't have the energy to go climbing now. I'm so worried that he's become a shadow of himself by being with me.

In the meantime, I've recently started developing feelings for someone else and the guilt has hit me hard. I can't sleep, I'm binge eating even though food is making me nauseous and I'm crying constantly. The flip my heart does when I see the other guy is how I should have felt on my wedding day. I have never flirted and would never do anything to betray my husband but it's getting to the point where imagining the other man with someone else is devastating to me, but imagining my husband with someone else doesn't make me sad. I just want to see him get the love and happiness that he deserves.

I'm so scared, my head is screaming at me not to hurt him and not to rip our family apart, financially ruining myself in doing so but my heart and conscience are pulling me towards it.

What is wrong with me? Why do I have the most loving and devoted husband in the world yet want to leave him?

Let him go, whilst you may break his heart he will then be free to meet someone whom he deserves.

So basically you have met someone else and all the rest is you trying to justify leaving your husband.

You will probably regret leaving your lovely husband and ripping your family apart. Kids will have step mum, shared xmas etc etc. Stick it out, we all get our heads turned every now and then. Your kids are tiny and it's natural to feel a bit like that. Read Kris Jenner's Autobiography. She left a lovely man for the tennis coach and regretted it for the rest of her life. She told him when he was dying of cancer.

Please consider trying to work this out with your husband.
Some of us would give anything to have a man like the husband you describe . The grass may not be greener with this other man. You may regret this so much in the longer run and if your husband moves on it will be too late to go back. I speak from experience.

This is the female Script. Your head has been turned and you are rewriting history to fit a fantasy because someone else has caught your eye.

I really think you'd regret it OP. After a few years with this other person or someone else who gives you butterflies, it will feel very similar to your current relationship, only he might not be such a great guy,

This was my reaction also

I don't get why you are calling yourself a monster,you are definitely not yes you have feelings for someone else but you have not acted on them out of respect for your husband,and saying you just want him to be happy and loved.clearly you still care about him very much just not in love with him.

I'm unsure relationship counselling would help.it seems you have been feeling like this for some time.maybe you need to honest with him and set him free,or maybe all these feelings you have with this other person is all the things you want from your husband.it must be very difficult,but wanting the best for him doesn't make you a monster it makes you a kind compassionate person.good luck in whatever you decide and wish you both a happy future

Go no contact with your crush and reevaluate your marriage in a few years when you’re out of the trenches of child rearing. That way your decision won’t be clouded by lust. Take some time for you and nurture what you once loved - hobbies, passions etc. These ages are so relentless and I feel for you both

That said I have kids your kids ages and I’d never leave for a crush. My eldest would be devastated and heartbroken. If your husband was an idiot I’d tell you to run but he’s not. Your family come before your crush. And you made a promise.

Speaking from experience my mum did this to my dad. It could’ve been her writing this actually. My dad who was absolutely devastated and tried everything to keep her then had a massive mental breakdown it was awful. Our beautiful family home was sold and my dad almost lost his business. thankfully he went on to find happiness with my amazing step mum and had a new family but my mum ended up on her own and penniless, and lived her last years absolutely miserably. she finally told me on her deathbed it was the biggest regret of her life and she realised eventually how much she loved him but by the time she realised it was too late.
I hope you can get some counselling (for you and/or both of you) and work this out. We all get in a rut sometimes but maybe try to make some hobbies with your husband together if you think that’s an issue? It sounds like he’s devoted his life to you and his young children so you can’t exactly criticise him for that especially when the children are so young. Sounds like he’s an amazing person so why would you want to destroy everyone’s life so you can go off with another man which may or may not work out. The grass usually is not greener on the other side of the fence…

It depends if you never ever ever felt feelings of love and or lust for your dh. Asin with both kids with all sex with every moment you shared together. As others have said you’ve had your head turned, this could be something or it could be the monotony of life or hormones or even a mental breakdown!!! You need to be sure as you’re tearing down a lot. Saying that if you honestly don’t think you love him then it’s not fair on anyone including yourself

Can I ask how you are going to conduct a new relationship with a one year old?

Does the new man have any children? Have you thought about how it is all going to work eg you leave/husband leaves? Where does the person who leaves live? Who has the children when? Childcare/school run etc? Holidays? When do new partners meet the dc? Finances/child maintenance? Can you afford the mortgage on your own and stay in the house? It’s a minefield tbh.

@Nixiha There seems to be a lack of maturity here on your side. There's a lot to be said for a person who loves you, and most people are never truly loved (just read the "relationships" page on mumsnet for evidence of that).

Wanting to throw away a perfectly stable and functional family life because the schoolgirl in you doesn't want to settle just seems silly to me.

And yet if this was the other way round, no one would be saying that it was a symptom of a problematic marriage if he started down the tracks towards an affair. Everyone, be they male or female says the same old shit, 'i never loved you' or 'i haven't loved you for years'. They focus on every minor imperfection to justify what they are planning.

You can call it inferring, odds are that posters are correct, it happens so often.

Why not ? She orchestrated it. She has a husband and a young family and still allowed herself to develop feelings for someone else. She’s re-evaluating her feelings for her DH because of that, not because she’s suddenly fallen out of love with him, or never had romantic feeling for him in the past. Her head has been turned by someone else.

you just took a man whom you did not want , why???? and now want to destroy everything for a bit of sexual infatuation. It will be on your conscience to behave like usually the men here do, leave their old wives and go with someone for more sex

Agree with absolutely everyone else. Do not break up your marriage, it's not fair on your kids to walk away from a good thing just because you want to fuck someone else.

Go and get some counselling. Don't do anything rash

I don't get why you are calling yourself a monster,you are definitely not

OP has called herself a monster because she feels guilty, so she's described herself with a word she knows everyone will consider over-the-top - which means people will say, "Oh, of course you're not a monster" and she'll feel a bit better about herself. It's a classic guilt-reduction tactic.

OP, do you really want your kids and get a stepmother and step-siblings? There's a very good chance they will if you leave - it's unlikely your husband would stay single forever. Have you read the threads on the step-parenting board?

Also, I don't really understand your posts about how you've made him unhappy? Unless you're treating him badly, why are you claiming that you're the reason he's less sociable and adventurous? Isn't it likelier to be the result of ageing and becoming a dad? You say his forestry job is tiring him out, and then in the very next sentence you say you're the one who's turned him into a shadow of himself. That makes absolutely no sense - he'll still need a job if you leave him!

Everything you've said here is just an attempt to make yourself feel better. Like loads of people, you're getting bored of your marriage and are longing to feel the rush of falling in love again. There's every chance that the discomfort you felt on your wedding day was just the usual nerves and fear of commitment that people get. There's every chance that you noticed what a great father he'd be, and are now telling yourself that's the only reason you're marrying him. In other words, you're rewriting history to justify cheating.

It's up to you, but I certainly wouldn't put my children through a divorce, and through the stress of potentially becoming part of two different step-families, when your husband sounds like such a nice man. There's no guarantee this other man is even particularly pleasant.

The problem is that OP is recalling her past feelings refracted through the lens of her current crush. It is hard for us to know how to assess them. PP rightly point out that when men leave their wives for the OW, ‘I was never in love with you’ seems to be the standard line even if decades of behaviour has suggested otherwise.

Why should a woman be different?

In a few cases the line is surely true, but more often I suspect it is not.

He's the same age as me and sounds great, I'll have him!

people chose the genital call over the friendship, morals, trust, team work - this world is gone mad

Sorry, but what you have done is no different to a gay man tricking a woman into a lavender marriage.

You never loved him as you should have and you never made that clear, but married the poor man anyway.

also all these sports he loved, that makes a very sexy guy. She might be mad or likes short, bald or skinny, not muscles nothing guys

It is inferring. OP states that she knew she didn’t love her now DH on her wedding day. This can happen - many, many people settle for a multitude of reasons. It wouldn’t justify an affair, IMO nothing could. But the OP hasn’t had an affair.

It’s not a problematic marriage. The fact OP has seemingly never been in love with him is the problem. Attraction to another person is a red herring here. Sometimes one persons heart just isn’t in it, and that’s not always an excuse or re-writing history, it’s the truth. It’s just more palatable for the injured party to believe that their ex partner is re writing history because it can be too painful to accept that they were never in love with them.