Wanting to leave my perfect husband

[Nixiha]

Am I a complete monster?

I (31) have been with husband (32) for 12 years and we have been married for 7 years.
We have two great kids aged 4 and 1 and we also have two dogs, one we've raised from a puppy and one that we rescued.

My husband is such an amazing person, he's a fantastic husband who fully supports me, he absolutely adores me, wants to have sex all the time, is a great dad, tells me me loves me every day, tells me that I'm beautiful, makes me laugh and works so hard to support our family.

My heart wants to leave though. It's been clear to me for years that I love him dearly, but as a friend. I knew this when I married him. I felt nauseous the night before, a knot in my stomach and clammy hands on the day and I could barely look him in the eye during the ceremony because he was looking at me with such love and devotion in his eyes. I squashed all of this away because we work so effortlessly together as a team, I knew he'd be a wonderful father, I loved his family and he's still my best friend and I never want to hurt him.

Now married for 7 years with our great kids, life should be a dream but my heart is slowly breaking into pieces. It's dawning on me that no matter how blissfully happy he seems with me, I've sucked the soul out of my husband over the years. The young man I met had big passions, he loved rock climbing, hill walking, abseiling, skiing, kayaking, playing rugby and loads more. He would walk into a pub and immediately befriend every stranger, he was so sociable and friendly.
These days he does nothing. He gave up everything one by one and now he has no passions or hobbies or friends that he sees often. He works in forestry which he loves, but it's such a physical job he is so tired at the weekends he probably wouldn't have the energy to go climbing now. I'm so worried that he's become a shadow of himself by being with me.

In the meantime, I've recently started developing feelings for someone else and the guilt has hit me hard. I can't sleep, I'm binge eating even though food is making me nauseous and I'm crying constantly. The flip my heart does when I see the other guy is how I should have felt on my wedding day. I have never flirted and would never do anything to betray my husband but it's getting to the point where imagining the other man with someone else is devastating to me, but imagining my husband with someone else doesn't make me sad. I just want to see him get the love and happiness that he deserves.

I'm so scared, my head is screaming at me not to hurt him and not to rip our family apart, financially ruining myself in doing so but my heart and conscience are pulling me towards it.

What is wrong with me? Why do I have the most loving and devoted husband in the world yet want to leave him?

Yes it is 100%.
The only smidge of sympathy i have is that op was 19 when she met her DH and i wonder if she's thinking she missed out on dating etc... but its madness.

You must be mad to think of leaving him. All because you fancy some other bloke.

If you knew when you married him that you didn't love him but that you "knew he'd be a wonderful father, I loved his family and he's still my best friend and I never want to hurt him." Then you made your choice. "Setting him free" won't make him happy, it will simply blow his world apart, and those of your children too.

All the changes you refer to are really just what happens when married life with children and a full on physical job takes hold. All normal. Nothing to do with you.

I'm afraid I think you just need to suck this up and try and make the best if it. If you decide to leave you need to acknowledge that this will only be for your benefit, not his, no matter how you try to dress it up and justify it.

That's a lot of words for wanting to shag another man.

You need to leave, because it sounds like you're likely to have an affair if you don't, and that would be terrible.

Good effort at trying to appear heroic that you're doing it partly for your poor beleaguered husband. 😂

You don't have to have an affair just because your knickers get wet when you look at a man.

The OP does not have romantic feelings for her DH and knew this on her wedding day! The poor bloke is essentially married to her under false pretences, unless he knew then how she felt which I doubt.

I feel like I’m in a parallel universe reading some of these responses. Hypothetically, would you want your son to stay with his wife who didn’t love him and who fancied other men? Surely we should aspire to reciprocity! How sad.

As I started reading your post I thought to myself “I bet she’s met someone else”, and boom, I was right!

no advice from me! Just heartbroken for your husband who sounds like a dream.

To me it would be insanity to leave a cosy family set up with a lovely man, just because I’m not blown away with lust constantly.

When I married my husband I chose security and a steady environment for myself and our future children, as I knew my husband would be calm, kind and completely reliable as a father. It’s not the most exciting relationship I have ever had, but it is peaceful and loving in all the ways I personally value most.

That’s obviously not for everyone and you’re entitled to do what’s right for you. But I would be very wary of your feelings being influenced because your head has been turned.

If there weren't kids involved, my view would be different. You really do need to try to rescue this, OP.

Think of your life going forward, potentially not seeing your DCs every weekend all the upset to your children and families lives? It’s absolutely worth it if you are desperately unhappy or living with someone who is an arsehole but sounds to me like you’ve got into a rut, little children are draining, life can become boring and mundane but you really really need to decide if you genuinely don’t love your DH anymore or whether you’ve had your head turned and are imagining some exciting new life in the future which wouldn’t necessarily be how you imagine with 2 little children in the mix. Easy for people to say leave but do you really want to blow up your entire life and lose a great husband for what exactly?

Counselling won't make you love him. It doesn't sound as though there are issues to work through.

You can't help how you feel. I don't think this is a case of OP's 'head being turned' (hate that trashy phrase), I think it's more that developing feelings for someone is shining a light on what lacking in her relationship with her husband.

Of course I would not want my child to be with a person who didn't actually love them. However, instead of the waffle, I think the OP should just admit she has found a man who seems more exciting. The problem with exciting men is that, too often, they are also unstable. They don't make good husbands.

If you do this, you'll regret it.

You currently fancy someone else, a bit of side, and now you're contemplating destroying your marriage, your home, breaking your husband's and children's hearts.

The way you put it, you wore this one out, now you're thinking of a replacement?

Start rebuilding this. Get interested in each other, do things together, make an effort to get interests going again.

Having kids will tire anyone out and change priorities for a while, but it seems a lack of bothering has been at the heart of this.

You've met someone else.
You need to tell your husband and make some decisions about the future.

Knew there would be someone else... and boom, there was.

OP, it sounds like you're re-writing history to justify being interested in/pursuing another man because your marriage lacks 'excitement'. Basically you are following the Script.

Check yourself. Get some counselling. Couples counselling. And start doing things with your husband to instil some life in your marriage rather than looking outside of it. Don't disrupt your children's lives and stability for a bit of excitement that won't last.

This.

BTW the grass seems always greener on the other side only in theory ....

He sounds great! Feel free to DM me if and when you leave him. I could do with a decent man in my life. I’m being flippant.

Go, be happy, live the life you want. Divorce and co parenting is hard, being in the wrong relationship is hard. Everyone deserves to be happy, he does and so do you. Good luck.

Very well said

You are not a nice person and now you have created a family who’s life’s are going to be influenced by your horrible actions

So I guess most of what you have said is crap isn't it? Apart from the bit about having met someone else. Stop rewriting history. Own that you are a bit pathetic and hoping to cheat. Then decide if it is worth it for all of you.

Setting him free" won't make him happy, it will simply blow his world apart, and those of your children too.

Well said.

Would leaving your family to live with someone you barely know in real life really make you happy? Seeing your children once a week, if that? Not being a presence in their everyday life?

Counselling is key here, for you first, and then the two of you.

I think there's a lot in this.

OP, things change as time passes, especially with kids, and at 1 and 4 you really are in the trenches at the moment. I'm not saying you must stay, or you're wrong to be unhappy, or that you're a terrible person, but I do struggle to see what's so very wrong here. You liked him when he was active, but he was active when you married and you were unhappy then too?

Counselling is a good idea. What does this other man offer that your husband doesn't... what does he represent? If you did leave and find another relationship, what would you be looking for and how realistic is that?